Wwyd? In laws and my name

[Crazyrunninglady]

Been with dh 14 years, married for 7.

When we married I didn't change my name, I kept my own. I have my reasons but really it's irrelevant. I knew some people would presume I'd change my name, so I told dh to mention to his parents that I'd kept my name, just so that there was no confusion. I go by Ms Crazyrunninglady, that's my legal name.

Over the years in laws have repeatedly called me Mrs dhinitial Dhsurname.

I asked dh to politely correct them, then for a time they started double barrelling my name. Which is also totally incorrect. Now they've gone back to Mrs Dhsurname.

Dh says they're confused. They're not elderly, they don't generally get confused.

Would you, a) ignore b) ask dh to tell them c) tell them yourself

My main problem with c) is that I suspect they already know and are doing it deliberately. I know they'd be dismissive of my reasons. Fil would pull a face, stick his opinion in and this would cause friction.

I don't understand what's confusing about it. Presumably when they met you they knew your name. It's the same name.

How often do they even say your surname though, surely it mainly your first name they use? I would just keep correcting them everytime but at the end f the day it's their problem

I'd probably ignore it, to be honest, DH has told them once and you've pretty much confirmed that they're doing it on purpose.

Otherwise just don't respond to them if they use the wrong name? Or mention it to them but avoid discussing your reasons, just be frank that they are calling you the incorrect name and ask them to refrain.

My fiancé's parents don't use my surname much. Is this a frequent problem? If it's regular and annoying, you'll probably struggle to let it be.

Send them cards via postal service with their names wrong....
Think of weird variations of their surnames and use those.. Change regularly...

C. If they kick off that’s their problem. My MIL does this. If there wasn’t a language barrier I would tell her myself and correct her every time. Your DH saying they get confused sounds like something mine would say to avoid upsetting mama by throwing me under the bus.

Find out what your mil’s previous name was and start calling them both by that.

I'd ignore them. I had this too - except in my case it was my own parents who wouldn't accept I kept my name :) My in laws were fine with it (well who knows - maybe they didn't like it but they certainly didn't express that). In fairness to my parents they would be in their 90s now if alive so were from an older generation.

Presumably they only address you as that when sending cards and letters? We moved away and I just ignored the fact that all the letters mum and dad sent me were addressed to Mrs DH firstname DH surname - we used to laugh at it. Eventually they used to send me parcels at work and I explained to them no one knew me by my husband's name their so their parcels would get sent back.

there not their!

either C - 'Why do you call me Mrs Dhsurname when you know that is not and has never been my name. Are you confused?

Or @S1naidSucks suggestion!

Probably best to ignore it but I’d probably go with C. They’re being indignant.

I'm wondering where they are doing this. Is it addressing birthday cards type of thing. If so I think I might address theirs with whatever surname takes your fancy. MIL's original surname maybe or something daft that relates to their interests, Mrs B catlover, if they have cats.

I would do d) refer to MIL as Ms Herbirthname and PIL as Mr Herbirthname.

I can’t recall a single time my in laws have had to use my surname. Maybe on the Christmas card envelope? Are they writing to you a lot? I don’t understand how they are using it.

Same thing here; they know I haven't changed my name but still address things to my married name. I generally ignore.

It's a power thing. They are showing you that you are wrong and they are right. The inability to comprehend is to make you into the baddie if you question it.

It's things that come through the post.

The thing that annoyed me recently though was they set something up in our names. Imagine adding us to a breakdown cover policy. They put me as Mrs Dhsurname.

D - refer to both by wrong lastnames

It's disrespectful as there are plenty of cultures around the world where women do not change their lastname upon marriage and some of these women live in the UK.

If they have put you on a policy then I would use that as an excuse to force them to recognize it. Say it is invalid as it is. Stand there and watch them phone up and change it.

You're a grown woman, you don't need your husband to handle this. Tell your in-laws the name you expect to be referred to and make it clear you don't appreciate the "mix-up." As for your FIL, let him pull all the faces he wants. Who cares what he thinks? Leave him to his tantrum and don't engage in a debate about your name.

Mine didn't get it until I posted a letter from them containing an invitation back saying "No-one of this name is known at this address". Miraculously, they've managed to get it right ever since.

I also did the same to the firm of solicitors who prepared our wills and sent them out addressed to "Mr. and Mrs. DHfirstnameandsurname.

Point out that Mrs Dhsurname is in fact MIL and you wouldn’t want to steal her crown.

My mum calls me by my husband’s surname despite being married 20 years. Apparently it’s illegal to keep your maiden name when you’re married ! The annoying part is she sends me my birthday money by cheque to my husbands name. Fortunately we have a joint account and the bank have accept them so far.

I'd ignore it. The exception being this breakdown cover - obviously you need to correct them there because it actually matters what name they've put.

If they've done it on an official document are you sure they're doing it on purpose? Maybe they genuinely don't remember your last name? How often will they have heard it, or seen it written down?

It's not that frequent but if it's 2-3 times a year it's bloody irritating.

I had exactly the same problem except it's my own mother. She insists on doing it because "it's traditional" then 'forgets' when I remind her I'm still MsFidget. I made my point once when she sent a parcel addressed to my husband's name to my work place and I got my colleague to write "not known at this address" and send it back. She hasn't sent any parcels since so I'm looking forward to my birthday to see what she does.
Does your husband generally back you up against his parents? If it were me I'd say something to them and maybe start trolling them by sending them loads of letters, postcards, birthday presents, etc but constantly using their wrong name.