Wwyd? In laws and my name

[Crazyrunninglady]

Been with dh 14 years, married for 7.

When we married I didn't change my name, I kept my own. I have my reasons but really it's irrelevant. I knew some people would presume I'd change my name, so I told dh to mention to his parents that I'd kept my name, just so that there was no confusion. I go by Ms Crazyrunninglady, that's my legal name.

Over the years in laws have repeatedly called me Mrs dhinitial Dhsurname.

I asked dh to politely correct them, then for a time they started double barrelling my name. Which is also totally incorrect. Now they've gone back to Mrs Dhsurname.

Dh says they're confused. They're not elderly, they don't generally get confused.

Would you, a) ignore b) ask dh to tell them c) tell them yourself

My main problem with c) is that I suspect they already know and are doing it deliberately. I know they'd be dismissive of my reasons. Fil would pull a face, stick his opinion in and this would cause friction.

dolly my surname takes up the whole of an envelope.

OP I think what you are saying is, you don’t want to address this and confirm the reality that they are being arses. But they are.

If you can’t face an explanation, anything you can send to them, do it with the wrong names. E.g. if William and Mary Bucket, write to Marie and Wilhelm Fucket.

I had a similar problem but in reverse. My PIL wanted to be Mum & Dad and I was adamant that my own parents are Mum and Dad. DH must have wishy-washily mentioned it to them as cards started arriving from Mum & Dad '2'.

I wish MN had been around as I may have then have been impowered to have it out with them. Before the DC were born it was always cringingly awkward when the one I wanted to speak to didn't answer the phone. Now I just say, can I speak to Nanna/Grandad. In conversation, I refer to them as DHfirstname's parents. Can get a bit confusing when I'm talking to BIL/SIL as I always stumble and have to correct myself to your Mum/Dad. 🤣

What is the thing they've put the made name on? Is it something you actually want to use? Has anyone actually said, explicitly, that it's not valid because there's a non-existent person on it, which may well invalidate the whole thing - given how enthusiastic insurance companies can be these days for finding reasons not to pay out

They should think themselves lucky!

DD's teacher got married and her new DH changed his surname to hers (she told the class she wanted to keep hers because she had no brothers and didn't want her family name to disappear - it wasn't a rare name, so I think she just wanted to keep it because she "wanted to keep it", which is fair enough but maybe too complicated to explain to a class of 6 year olds.

Tell your DH to change his name to yours, Crazy, then you will both have the same name and they won't get confused any more.

"I don't want to upset them, but they clearly don't care if they upset me."
Hold on to that thought.

"The thing that annoyed me recently though was they set something up in our names. Imagine adding us to a breakdown cover policy. They put me as Mrs Dhsurname."
Hmm. So it's something to do with a business? I would consider contacting the business direct and informing them that they have your name wrong and it is in fact Ms Crazyrunninglady. Could they please correct it. It's possible they won't on your say so, but if they do imagine the fun when your PIL receive the updated documents.

OP if the policy they've put you on is a recent thing I would use this as a catalyst to talk to them about it. In a very matter of fact way I would probably say something like "I realise you don't like the fact I haven't changed my name but I haven't and if you actually want to include me on this document you should use my legal name, Crazyrunninglady." Given how bothered you seem to be by it, I would probably also add something about how rude their repeated use of an incorrect name on correspondence was.

I probably wouldn't have left it seven years to tell them though. I put almost all of DH and my relatives straight as soon as they made the assumption. (Though almost none did - at a family meal one of DH's aunts mentioned that none of the women in the family of my generation had taken their husband's surname. It was just a point of curiosity, though, maybe pride. She hadn't and neither had at least two other aunts of his).

Put it in writing and tell them that they are being childish and stupid.

Honestly, if it is on an insurance policy even if it is wrong i simply cannot imagine it being a problem. If the time coems you need to use it, you just submit your marriage certificate as well. It proves you are who you say you are.

I recently (through work) had a deceased estate where the pension was nominated to a sister. The name given on the pension policy was the sister's married name from two marriages ago. All we had to do was get a copy of the birth certiricate, the marriage certificate in the 'right name' the decree absolute and current docs which showed the current name being used. And that was for a significant payout. A bit of paperwork, that's it. Not a big deal. (Provided you keep the paperwork!!!!!) Companies see this sort of thing every single day.

My mum does this deliberately which annoys me greatly. DH and I now have a son whose name is first name mysurname-DHsurname which blows everyone’s (my parents and ILs) minds. I really can’t see why, it’s not complicated and hey, all of Spain manage it right?

Yes. It's your choice. However, you're part of a family. You chose to become part of the family.

Why not simply explain why you chose not to take the traditional route?

It's kind of like rejecting them as it's their name isn't it? You don't think it's their business but choosing not to use their name or their son's name is, to them, perhaps a wall or rejection that they don't understand.

Think that people want "to carry on the family name." It's important to some.

Whatever your rights as a woman, you also have obligations as a family member, they are your dh's parents. Pettiness is like sarcasm; for those who are too lazy to create solutions and instead hurt feelings.

Think that people want "to carry on the family name." It's important to some.

I’m form a culture that doesn’t expect this but... excuse me to wonder... what about the parents of the girl.. don’t rhey wish to carry “family name” forward?

Also.. she isn’t a property of the family. It’s enough that she is giving birth to offsprings that will “carry their family name”. I do not understand this, it’s subtle slavery.

A man does NOT possess or adopt a woman after marriage. It’s not fair because the cultural expectation is only expecting this form women... it’s like saying their position in their birth families is less significant to her parents. That’s utterly sexist

It's kind of like rejecting them as it's their name isn't it? You don't think it's their business but choosing not to use their name or their son's name is, to them, perhaps a wall or rejection that they don't understand.

So should her parents be offended and weird because her DH has ‘rejected’ her name?

Think that people want "to carry on the family name." It's important to some.

Is it only important to parents of sons?

How often is this happening for you to be that fussed? I have images of you all sat round the dinner table and your MIL saying excuse me Mrs dhsurname can you pass the potatoes please?

Whatever your rights as a woman, you also have obligations as a family member, they are your dh's parents. Pettiness is like sarcasm; for those who are too lazy to create solutions and instead hurt feelings.

Sorry, double post, I’m intrigued by this. She has obligations to them - but don’t they also have obligations to OP as a family member? Why isn’t their pettiness over the use of her name worthy of condemnation? Why does she have to accommodate their petty rudeness and disrespect?

Interesting that OP has obligations as a family member but there don't seem to be any for the PILs. Despite the fact that they're really only being asked to show basic courtesy and not be dim enough to take out insurance policies in incorrect names. Which however you slice it is less of a big deal than being expected to explain your personal decisions. I wonder too, does DH have to explain to OPs parents why, despite having joined their family, he hasn't changed his name?

Catsinthecupboard I totally disagree with everything you've just said.

Fwiw, these are my reasons for keeping my name.

I was a single parent when I met now dh, my lovely son has my surname. I wasn't going to change my name to be different from my son when id given him my name.
I like my name, it suits me and it also reflects my heritage.
Societal pressure for women to change their names is a load of sexist claptrap and I refuse to partake in it.

It's a personal decision, I don't want to get into any political debates on here and especially not with my in laws, however if they asked me, I'd happily explain.

Really though my reasons are irrelevant, it's nothing to do with rejecting my in laws, if that was the case I'd be rejecting my own parents if I changed my name.

It doesn't really matter how often it happens, it's rude.

If 3 times a year your mil decided to call you Fred instead for your name, and address your card to Fred, you'd be thinking wtf.

When I started my new job one of the managers kept calling me Sarah when my name is Sophie, to be fair it was a genuine mistake, but should I just have accepted that too?

But because it's my surname and I'm married I'm expected to just accept it.

Send them all back “not at this address”

Cupboard has come out with a lot of shite there.

Re the Sophie example, it is exactly the same, I agree.

Could you make a point of playing the Tings Tings “that’s not my name” on repeat when they come round?

Seriously, I have friends who don’t mix with their in laws. Sometimes it’s better that way.

When it comes down to it, despite my opinions, keeping my name wasn't about making some political statement. I considered taking dhs name, but it just didn't feel right.

I could explain my reasons but the biggest reason is I just didn't want to.

OP you shouldn’t have to explain your reasons to anyone.

I've said this before on other threads but it's something that irritates the hell out of me.
If someone has told you the name they are known by, you use that name. It doesn't matter if you don't like the name, or don't "agree" with their decision. Doing anything other than addressing them by the name they have requested you to is rude.

As for the idea that this is a small thing and it should be just let go of - whilst I understand "don't sweat the small stuff" then it does beg the question of why you'd put up with something that is wrong just so you're not perceived as 'awkward' or 'rocking the boat'.

Stick to your guns.

Unless they are writing you a cheque or buying you a plane ticket I would ignore it. I hate being called Mrs instead of Ms, but I wouldn't make family conflict over it.

Tell them your husband has decided to take your name after all ! Mine do the same, it's very rude x

But if you already know they're doing it deliberately then surely you're in denial? You're trying to put off thinking less of them but they're not showing you much respect are they?

I had the opposite problem in that MIL didn't want me to change my name. It wasn't up for debate to my mind it was my decision and no one else's. I wanted to have the same name as our future children and double barrelling was just too much of a mouthful. She kept trying to make me justify my decision and in the end I just said decision was made wasn't looking for input and no need for her to worry as I wasn't taking her name I was taking FILs name. 🤣 Got cats bum mouth to that but it shut her up! (She'd changed her name but couldn't see the hypocrisy in telling me to keep mine)