Wwyd? In laws and my name

[Crazyrunninglady]

Been with dh 14 years, married for 7.

When we married I didn't change my name, I kept my own. I have my reasons but really it's irrelevant. I knew some people would presume I'd change my name, so I told dh to mention to his parents that I'd kept my name, just so that there was no confusion. I go by Ms Crazyrunninglady, that's my legal name.

Over the years in laws have repeatedly called me Mrs dhinitial Dhsurname.

I asked dh to politely correct them, then for a time they started double barrelling my name. Which is also totally incorrect. Now they've gone back to Mrs Dhsurname.

Dh says they're confused. They're not elderly, they don't generally get confused.

Would you, a) ignore b) ask dh to tell them c) tell them yourself

My main problem with c) is that I suspect they already know and are doing it deliberately. I know they'd be dismissive of my reasons. Fil would pull a face, stick his opinion in and this would cause friction.

If its stuff such as insurance then you are going to have to address it as the document you now have is invalid I would think...

Send them cards via postal service with their names wrong....

I would do this, see how they like it!

Surely when they set up the policy that was the time to clearly tell them it's incorrect and not valid as that is not your name. Cards I would send back as not known at this address if you want to be arsy. Anything more important, call them out on it.

If they have set something up maybe they don’t understand that you’re not legally Mrs dhsurname. That you must have your own name on any documents. Explain it’s a legal thing and maybe they’ll get it.

When we married 23 years ago I told DH I'd be keeping my name. He was ok about it. His name is probably the most common name in the UK, and mine is quite unusual.
Then I told the in-laws and they went a bit cat's-arse-faced about it but said nothing. However, cards etc now come addressed to His first name and My first name. They just refuse point blank to use my surname. An auntie sent a Christmas card addressed to Mr and Mrs His First Name His Surname. I was on the phone to thank her for it and said, oh by the way, that's not my name. So now it's only MIL who does the ignoring thing. I couldn't care less. My own name is on my passport, tax, payroll, bank, etc etc.

My mum went through this in the seventies. In the end she had to ring my granny and ask her to stop, as my dad's explanations fell on deaf ears.

To be fair, my granny was actually writing to my mum as Mrs David Smith which would make most women seethe with rage.

My mil hasn't got a clue, I don't know or care what she calls me. She thinks I'm weird, I think she's weird, but we're kind and friendly to each other in person.

So ultimately, I wouldn't bother correcting her but it may be a deal breaker for you.

I think the suggestion to use the legally binding error to correct this is a really good one.

I do think it's disrespectful to refer to someone by another name than their own. To do it once or twice, occasionally, by accident is not the same as systematically failing to grasp it. I would be annoyed too. Like you, I kept my own name and it fucks me off when people call me Mrs DHname, particularly as I worked really bloody hard to get a title.

Does your husband generally back you up against his parents? If it were me I'd say something to them and maybe start trolling them by sending them loads of letters, postcards, birthday presents, etc but constantly using their wrong name.

No he doesn't, he's terrified of upsetting them, although I don't know why they'd be upset by this.

I don't think they'd understand the irony if I sent them things in the wrong name.

Sounds like they would like to get a rise out of you. For that reason alone, I'd ignore them completely, rendering them and their opinions, meaningless.

My mil hasn't got a clue, I don't know or care what she calls me. She thinks I'm weird, I think she's weird, but we're kind and friendly to each other in person.

This is us, they think I'm weird, I think they're weird. We are nice and polite to each others faces.

My mother writes to me as Mrs dh initials but at least gets my surname correct. Pisses me off no end. Dh and I double barrelled. It took fil over 20 years to get our surname correct after marriage. So I have it on both sides. I feel your pain. 🤬

Yes they're doing it on purpose. It's a pretty easy thing to understand - their 'being confused' is utter tosh. I used to get mail sent to me from DH's side of the family addressed to 'Mrs DH initial DH surname' and I used to think it was for him. It's such an old fashioned way of doing things - and this is from people who aren't that old (60s).

I think you should tell them yourself, clearly & firmly and if FIL pulls a face & gives you his opinion about it, calmly say "nevertheless...." and repeat what you have already told them. It's really disrespectful of them not to go along with your wishes and their opinion of your preference is irrelevant

Surely when they set up the policy that was the time to clearly tell them it's incorrect and not valid as that is not your name. Cards I would send back as not known at this address if you want to be arsy. Anything more important, call them out on it.

I didn't know until something came through the post otherwise I'd have said. I didn't even know they were setting this thing up until they said to expect a letter. Then surprise surprise it was in the wrong name.

My own grandma does this. Sent me birthday money cheques in my married name that were then a pain to get cashed. She also doesn't get confused but seemed to willfully forget this despite me telling her several times my name hadn't changed.

It later transpired that she just didn't really approve of my decision not to change. She felt it was disrespectful to my husband.

Some people just feel overly strongly about these things.

Stop interacting with them. When they ask why, say there's no point because they don't know who you are.

Why is your DH terrified of upsetting them? What will happen if he does? He's not 6.

They are doing it quite deliberately. There is a long history of women not changing their names on marriage - it’s really not a new and unusual thing.

I’d tell them, and if they persist, return all mail to them and for official documents correct my name in writing with the relevant officialdom.

I’d also start referring to them by random incorrect names.

I'd love to go through with some of these suggestions such as not interacting, sending things to them in the wrong name, shame I'm not brave enough.

Find out what your mil’s previous name was and start calling them both by that. Yes @S1naidSucks!!

Definitely do above OP!

It's completely deliberate. They reckon that you don't know your place, and therefore it is their moral duty to keep putting you in it. With things like this policy, you need to inform the company that this is not your legal name and they need to change it - and write to PIL telling them that you have done so and that the policy would have been invalid as Mrs DH name is not and never has been a name you are legally known by.
(You might even be able to scare them by implying that their using the wrong name for you on legal documents could be considered fraud.)

I LOVE option D.

But I think the point of both C and D is that you need to address this with them.

They've had the nicey-nicey option of their son telling them. How did they respond? By inventing their own entirely made up answer that no one suggested (which is why D is so beautiful).

Now they get the awkwardness of YOU saying to them DIRECTLY that they are being obstinate and ignorant, and that if they continue, it will affect their relationship with you.

Someone on here made the excellent point that if it makes people feel bad to have something 'awkwardly' pointed out to them, that is ENTIRELY the appropriate thing for them to feel. It's only by pushing the bad feelings onto people like this, instead of their victims, that they learn to show some damn consideration.

The thing that annoyed me recently though was they set something up in our names. Imagine adding us to a breakdown cover policy. They put me as Mrs Dhsurname.

Tell them it needs to be changed or change it yourself

But OP, what do you mean you're not brave enough? They're not fire breathing dragons. What do you think will happen to you if you stand your ground? Seriously, what?