Wwyd? In laws and my name

[Crazyrunninglady]

Been with dh 14 years, married for 7.

When we married I didn't change my name, I kept my own. I have my reasons but really it's irrelevant. I knew some people would presume I'd change my name, so I told dh to mention to his parents that I'd kept my name, just so that there was no confusion. I go by Ms Crazyrunninglady, that's my legal name.

Over the years in laws have repeatedly called me Mrs dhinitial Dhsurname.

I asked dh to politely correct them, then for a time they started double barrelling my name. Which is also totally incorrect. Now they've gone back to Mrs Dhsurname.

Dh says they're confused. They're not elderly, they don't generally get confused.

Would you, a) ignore b) ask dh to tell them c) tell them yourself

My main problem with c) is that I suspect they already know and are doing it deliberately. I know they'd be dismissive of my reasons. Fil would pull a face, stick his opinion in and this would cause friction.

It's often a bit difficult, especially when form filling. I was in the same position as your in laws when my daughter remarried and didn't change her name. If I wrote to both of them it was Mr and Mrs Son-in-Law, but if it was just to her, It would be to Mrs Maiden Name. I think she understood, and didn't mind. After all, she WAS Mrs Son-in-Law, since she had married him!

What's difficult about getting someone's name right? Please enlighten me as to which part you struggle with?

And no, she WASN'T Mrs Son-in-law, that wasn't her name. Why is that so difficult to grasp?

I've had the same name since my parents registered my birth. It's never changed.

Some women choose to change their name when they get married, that is their choice. I made the choice to lead my name as it is/was. It couldn't be simpler really could it?

As it's on a policy, this gives you the perfect chance to address it - go with that this is a waste of money for them as the information that gave is incorrect, the policy is invalid and wont pay out as Mrs DHname doesn't legally exist.

I'd put it on strong they should check the whole thing isnt invalid by listed a person who doesn't legally exist. Go with that line.

If it helps, I have spoken to many people in my parents generation who do seem to think that your name does just legally change on marriage, and while some woman chose to use their old name for every day, legally their name is their DHs surname. I had to explain to a group of baby boomer woman who did not you could just keep your old name without doing something legally. It could be your PIL think they put the legally correct name on the official doc.

I recently told MIL that if keeping her own name was good enough for the Queen in 1947, it's good enough for me now.

Gin what washer response?

Although thinking about it, I think (and I'm happy to be corrected) that as soon as you are married, you are entitled to be known as Mrs Hisname, so using the "the policy isn't valid as that's not my name" argument might not work - it was something tht surprised me, I didn't have to do anything to change my name on marriage, it just changed by being married and I just had to tell people.

So your PIL might not go with the policy being invalid, as they probably know it's not as you legally are both Ms Yourname and Mrs Hisname.

Perhaps stress they check the policy won't be invalidated as you don't have any id in that name...

(I think that's what previous poster meant about her DIL being Mrs Hisname, I think techincally she is Mrs Hisname as she's married, even if she never uses the name, rather like Meghan Markle is also Princess Henry of Wales, even though she never uses that and is Meghan, DofS or Meghan Markle)

I spent an embarrassing and upsetting half hour in the back of a police car on a main road after being flashed over...
My car showed as non insured.
One letter error in my surname.
Sort it op.

@OrdinarySnowflake that just isn't true. If you do nothing following your marriage, your name will remain the same. Legally and otherwise.

OP i have the same issue. It gets very boring. The only person I let get away with it these days is my husband's grandmother, who is in her 90s.

I favour the direct, but polite approach.

"Hi MIL, thanks SO much for the lovely card. Did you realise you'd put it in husband's name? Whoops! As you know, I'm x. Thanks again, see you Friday "

Repeat every time

C
C
C

Tell them. Clearly and confidently. This is my name, please use it.

Drylce - but you don't need to do anything to change your name in England either, just having a marriage certificate is enough to be known as Mrs Hisname if you want to be, it's automatic in England to be Mrs Hisname, if you want it to be. You can also use Ms Hername, but you don't actively need to do anything else to be Mrs Hisname.

Therefore I think (and it's worth checking with someone who knows about that policy), that the insurance policy would be equally valid with Mrs Hisname because legaly the OP is entitled to use either name.

I took my husbands name i wasnt going ro but I did cos i didnt want my child having a different name to me my own parents thought i was totaly bonkers to even consdering not to take it a d i think would call me it nowm its a generational thing for sure i wouldnt get a annoied wait till our kids do stuff we dont agree with. Just say i totaly get u wanted your son and his wife to have the same name but its not something i wanted to do i had a flatmare who is still the only person allowedto shorten my name so maybe let them vall u it? Like a fun nickname u have told them ur not using rhat name but u indugle them u are the bigger person alround?

I'd ask them why they cannot get the name right.

Then I'd ignore it.

If the reason doesn't reflect negatively on the nane or their son" I'd possibly tell them why. But your reasons are yoir own, and not up for debate.

My daughter kept her name when she married. She tried to collect something from the Post Office which had been addressed to Mrs SILname, but she had no identification in that name. She had to go back with her passport and marriage certificate before she could collect the parcel.

@OrdinarySnowflake no, if you want to change your name you absolutely do have to do something. It is true that all you will need is a marriage certificate, but you still have to use that certificate to officially change your name.

Unless you mean just being known as a name, where yes you can just be called your husbands name. But without formally changing it it is so more your legal name than me deciding people should call me Marybeth Jefferson (not my name)

Find out what your mil’s previous name was and start calling them both by that.

I'd do that and each time they deliberately got mine wrong I'd go one maternal generation further back. If they objected I'd give them a full on lecture about exactly and precisely why I find the whole premise of women as a property exchange so deeply offensive. And I'd ask MIL why she insists on addressing things to her and her son and ask if Freud had a point and she thinks she's married to her son. Fuck having a good relationship with people who come up with this sexist shit.

You do actively have to do something to be known as Mrs HisName in the UK - your marriage certificate is the proof you can use it, but you have to get the bank/driving licence/passport changed, tell your work you're using a new name etc. It doesn't happen automatically as implied!

I kept my surname, because it's better than DH's and I work in a smallish profession where I'm identifiable, so professionally I was always going to keep it. Cards either arrive addressed to "HisInitial His Surname & MyInitial My Surname" (and vice versa) or they arrive addressed to "FirstName & FirstName" for those who can't be bothered to write out our surnames. Much to my annoyance, my mum used to send Mr & Mrs HisSurname because it was "easier" - my surname is a whopping 7 letters long. She's stopped that now.

It is annoying though, as if you'll see the light and change your name if they just keep on using it! Or at least that's the impression I got when people did it to us.

Like a lot of things in life, depends if it's done with malice intent or not.

If yes, then tackle head on. If not, leave alone and ignore.

Drylce - what do you think you need to do to change your name after marriage in England?

You do need to provide proof you have changed your name to get new passport, driving licence etc, but your marriage certificate alone counts as the legal name change by itself - no other forms or legal declarations required.

You don't need to do anything other than get married to have the new name. You don't need to fill out additional forms to get the new name, you just are it straight away. But you are still entitled to use your old own name.

That doesn't mean it's any less rude for someone to not use the name you've told them you are using, but I was wrong to suggest the OP should say the policy wouldn't be valid as she wasnt Mrs Hisname, because legally she's both, so while it's worth checking, it's unlikely it being in Mr & Mrs Hisname would invalidate it. (It might just mean the OP would have to get out her marriage certificate to prove she was Mrs Hisname for a payout)

@OrdinarySnowflake The legal position in this country is that the default is the "do nothing" option.

This means that your legal name after marriage remains the same as it was before the marriage unless you make the effort to change it, such as changing your passport, etc.

If you want to change your name, you can, to anything you like. A married name is no more legal than any other if you don't take steps to change to using it.

Your marriage certificate isn't a change of name document in itself, it is just a piece of evidence to link you to the name you plan to use. In the same way that a deed poll is a piece of evidence for any name you may choose at other times.

I've changed my name for some things, not for others. I always checked when it came to insurance and official documents but they were never bothered which name I used, which I found strange.

@Crazyrunninglady

I know really what they think and that it's deliberate. Trouble is once it's confirmed it will lower my opinion of them and affect our relationship.

I don’t understand this. It’s already affecting your relationship! Just woman up and tell them directly! It’s been 7 bloody years.

@OrdinarySnowflake update your knowledge/ye olde myths. Getting married has never automatically changed anybody’s name.

but I was wrong to suggest the OP should say the policy wouldn't be valid as she wasnt Mrs Hisname, because legally she's both

No she is not legally both. She has never used the married name so it isn't a legal name.

If your DH doesn't like to rock the boat, has he actually told them or just says he has?

I don’t understand this. It’s already affecting your relationship! Just woman up and tell them directly! It’s been 7 bloody years.

Yeah I know, but as it stands it's a bit of an unsaid thing. If I mention it and fil says something rude, sexist and obnoxious it will be worse.

Dh has messaged them and politely mentioned it, but has been ignored.

@Crazyrunninglady no it is not an “unsaid thing”. They are actively saying it by putting the wrong name on cards, etc, and finally legal insurance contracts! Do you get what I mean? They are actively doing this to you and saying “This is who you are and should be.” This is not a passive endeavour at all. Get angry and be responsible for yourself.