Wwyd? In laws and my name

[Crazyrunninglady]

Been with dh 14 years, married for 7.

When we married I didn't change my name, I kept my own. I have my reasons but really it's irrelevant. I knew some people would presume I'd change my name, so I told dh to mention to his parents that I'd kept my name, just so that there was no confusion. I go by Ms Crazyrunninglady, that's my legal name.

Over the years in laws have repeatedly called me Mrs dhinitial Dhsurname.

I asked dh to politely correct them, then for a time they started double barrelling my name. Which is also totally incorrect. Now they've gone back to Mrs Dhsurname.

Dh says they're confused. They're not elderly, they don't generally get confused.

Would you, a) ignore b) ask dh to tell them c) tell them yourself

My main problem with c) is that I suspect they already know and are doing it deliberately. I know they'd be dismissive of my reasons. Fil would pull a face, stick his opinion in and this would cause friction.

Tell them if they can't get it right dh has agreed to change his name to yours so there's no confusion.
I bet they get it right then.

I've had this all my married life. All relations, including my own father and sisters call me by my DH surname in correspondence even though they all know I didn't change my name. I find it really rude but think it's an Irish culture thing, they just can't accept a woman doesn't change her name. What I find more annoying is DH's close friends here in England do it too, even though they have been repeatedly told DHsurname is not my name. They seem to think I'm trying to be superior to them because they all changed names. I did it for career reasons and even though no longer working, I keep my own name. It's just easier and DH doesn't mind and it would be weird to change it now after almost 20 years marriage. I just find it rude and disrespectful.

In the words of Elsa, let it go. For what ever reason, they are obviously disappointed that you haven’t taken their family name. Don’t get worked up about it, it’s not worth it.

Happymum n the words of Elsa, let it go. For what ever reason, they are obviously disappointed that you haven’t taken their family name. Don’t get worked up about it, it’s not worth it.

Reminds me of that recent Eurovision entry more than anything:

"They call me nothing. My name is nothing. Come find me. Please find me".

If people can't respect you enough to get your name right, then you surely begin to lose your identity. Things don't get more fundamental in terms of respect for another human being in calling you by your own chosen name!

The argument for let it go....let go of the idea that you have to have a good relationship with people who don’t respect you.

I kept my own name. Mil isn't happy about it. For the first couple of years she sent birthday cards etc addressed to Mrs DH's name. DH asked her to stop, but she still can't bring herself to use my surname, so she did weird stuff like addressing my cards to "The Birthday Girl". It drives me mad, as it feels like she is denying my existence as a person in my own right, but it's not quite as bad as her making up a whole different nickname for DD, addressing her cards in that name and getting other family members to do the same.

Hi OP, I feel this is really disrespectful of your PILs. A person’s name is their identity.

I would say ‘Hi PILs, the policy is in the wrong name so it wouldn’t be valid if used. And I’m really concerned as don’t want to waste your money on an invalid policy.
My name is Ms Name.
REALLY simple, its the same name I’ve had for the fourteen years you’ve known me.’

And repeat. ‘Really simple. Same name as the last 14 years.’

Killing them with kindness is often the way to go.

If they ask why (although after 7 years I don’t see why they should), just say I have my reasons and just keep repeating the above sentence.

My ILs are the same, if the post anything to me they just put my first name, or if it’s to is both they just put both our first names. They know my name they just can’t bear it even though one of their daughters is unmarried in a long term relationship and they have no issues with her name. I like to book tables for meals in my name sometimes so they have to use it!! It used to annoy me, it does still but I wouldn’t bother correcting them or getting DH to do so it’s them that looks silly really. Having kids in their teens who have been through school I have got used to being called Mrs DHsurname as the primary school could not seem to cope with remembering two names either !

My in-laws very kindly booked and paid for a family holiday. They booked my ticket as Mrs Dhsurname and were quite put out when I wouldn’t get my passport changed to match. At the same time they booked their newly married dd’s ticket in her maiden name and were even more put out to discover she had changed it.

Personally I’m fine with being known as Mrs DHsurname, when I’m dealing with schools and hospitals. It’s convenient. But legally and financially I am who I am. I have academic publications in my name. It would feel quite weird to me to call myself something else. And dh certainly isn’t willing to change his, so why should I?

“I was a single parent when I met now dh, my lovely son has my surname. I wasn't going to change my name to be different from my son when id given him my name.
I like my name, it suits me and it also reflects my heritage.”

Ah, I suspect this is at the heart of your ILs obdurateness. I bet they have small minded conservative ishoos with their son ‘taking on’ step children, and also culture.

I would ask them directly why they call you by a name that is not your own. Not in a nasty way, just ask them to explain themselves factually. Then tell them that you would like them to use your name please.

My ILs think it’s a bit of an affectation that I didn’t change my name. I think they both secretly suspect that in practice ‘the state’ and officialdom use Mrs HisName.

I just ignore.

The bit about you not wanting to say something incase your FIL said something sexist or derogatory - well that would be a win because then you could see a lot less of them.

In my case FIL was very old fashioned but scrupulously polite - and always got my name right. (And only whinged about me not changing it to SIL).
SIL - I blame for the incorrect name at the Weddings of her 3 daughters, she also never remembered that I drank my tea exactly the same way she did.
School - once got my name wrong (the only time ever for all my children) and it was on a cheque - they had to re-issue it.

As they have taken something out for you in the wrong name- then they have to be spoken to and rectify it.

“ Pettiness is like sarcasm; for those who are too lazy to create solutions and instead hurt feelings.”

Is it just me or is this sentence a meaningless load of old bollocks?

OP, I think it’s only fair you do the full Gilead and go by “Offred” or “Ofwarren” etc in future.

Surely the policy needs your correct name on it for it to be valid? Change it and explain this to them in words of one syllable.

If I mention it and fil says something rude, sexist and obnoxious it will be worse.

Your DH should stand up for you if/when this happens – well, he should stand up for you all the time, not just say they're 'confused'. Ask him why he doesn't and make clear that you're pissed off about it.

And you are free to respond to your FIL if he DOES get rude and sexist.

@Katzia my Gaeltacht west of Ireland relations considered it an English tradition. In my grandfather’s time a married woman would still have used her own name, and added “wife of x” to the end of it. eg
“Máire Páid, Bean Uí Thomais”. Obviously that’s a mouthful and rarely used, except to distinguish from another Máire Páid married to someone else. You didn’t lose your name, you just gained another bit.

Although in this example Máire’s surname is her father’s first name. His surname was his father’s first name. So still patriarchal.

For official documentation like birth certs, the clan name was used. Or to distinguish Máire Páid, Uí Thomais of the O’Malleys from the Murphys. But it was for the convenience of the English authorities that it would have been collapsed into Máire O’Malley. Knowing who is related to whom is definitely an essential Irish social skill and cutting a branch of your family out of your name was seen as a weird foreign thing.

Even among my Dublin relations, it’s the norm at funerals to introduce or be introduced by your network of relations going back three generations My side of the family would introduce me as dh surname but it’s about clarifying family connections. They wouldn’t take issue with my name choices at all. Similarly my brother changed his first name as an adult and he’d be introduced as “This is Pat, you know Mary’s grandson, little Paddy.” and once it’s established where he sits on the family tree everyone will happily call him Pat.

I find dh’s family a little insular. They have form for cutting off contact with branches of the family and possibly find it inconvenient that I haven’t abandoned my family yet. Changing names would be the least of it

PamelaTodd @Katzia my Gaeltacht west of Ireland relations considered it an English tradition.

Even in England though, it wasn't historically always the case that a woman marrying into another family would abandon her own surname and adopt that of the family. Particularly when the families were of equal wealth, the surnames would of course be barrelled together. Hence why we have surnames like "Anstruther Calthorpe Gough". My husband has two surnames and one has been passed down since the mid 1800s and is the surname of a particularly wealthy woman from a landed family who married into that family. They did have another similar surname pegged onto it in previous generations but reverted to this one after a family scandal.

All of the children in my family are named with two family surnames as middle names. So my father for instance has his grandmother's surname as his middle name. My mother has her grandmother's surname as her middle name.

When DH's family tried to inflict their surname on me, I resisted it because it would have been admitting that they were wealthier or more important than my family, and they are certainly not. I didn't fancy a double barrelled name as I personally find them a little pretentious. DH doesn't use his but its there on all official documentation.

I gave all my children my surname as an extra middle name - and then got into family history to discover this was very common in my (common) family. At least one has considered dropping their fathers surname and just using mine.
I didn't really consider double barrelling as my name is quite long and their father's quite short, and I know it took me forever to learn to spell my own surname (I couldn't see the point of repeated letters).

It's kind of like rejecting them as it's their name isn't it? You don't think it's their business but choosing not to use their name or their son's name is, to them, perhaps a wall or rejection that they don't understand.

Of course it's not a rejection of them. A woman's entitlement to her own personal preference of identity is about as fundamental as entitlement gets. It therefore requires no explanation, much less argument or justification.

Committing to a partner for life is a solemn and serious undertaking. Nowhere in law does this involve the relinquishing of one's whole identity into the bargain, or falling into the expectation that a woman's identity is of lesser worth than a man's so she should be happy to give it up without question. And it certainly doesn't necessitate anyone deciding that they don't approve of said woman's personal choices, or taking the liberty of 'reChristening' her with an identity that was never hers in the first place. So rude.

It's the most basic of common courtesies to address others by their preferred form of address. It is not okay to make up names you consider more appropriate. I wouldn't dream of addressing someone as 'Matt' when they signed all correspondence and headed their social media accounts with the name 'Matthew', for example. It's a question of simple good manners.

This is surely not too much to ask.

My Nan sends us cards addressed to mr & mrs oh first initial and surname....we not even married

Been together 8 years have a toddler but only just got engaged...she’s done it ever since we bought a house together. Doesn’t bother me as happens twice a year. Easter and Christmas
Maybe a generation thing 🤷🏻‍♀️

It's not okay for them to deliberately get your name wrong because they disagree with it. They obviously know what your actual name is. Grow a pair and ask them why they are incapable of understanding.