Wwyd? In laws and my name

[Crazyrunninglady]

Been with dh 14 years, married for 7.

When we married I didn't change my name, I kept my own. I have my reasons but really it's irrelevant. I knew some people would presume I'd change my name, so I told dh to mention to his parents that I'd kept my name, just so that there was no confusion. I go by Ms Crazyrunninglady, that's my legal name.

Over the years in laws have repeatedly called me Mrs dhinitial Dhsurname.

I asked dh to politely correct them, then for a time they started double barrelling my name. Which is also totally incorrect. Now they've gone back to Mrs Dhsurname.

Dh says they're confused. They're not elderly, they don't generally get confused.

Would you, a) ignore b) ask dh to tell them c) tell them yourself

My main problem with c) is that I suspect they already know and are doing it deliberately. I know they'd be dismissive of my reasons. Fil would pull a face, stick his opinion in and this would cause friction.

Send any post back to them with 'not known at this address' :-D

I didn't change my surname either - so many people put Ms on when I have chosen to stay as Miss - they do it as it suits them better!

Option E:

"MIL, What did tour dad do to you that you decided to give up his name? I'm proud of my family and what they did for me, but you obviously aren't. Would you like to unburden yourself and talk about it? It must have been so upsetting"

Then relax and watch her explode.

What did tour dad do to you that you decided to give up his name? I'm proud of my family and what they did for me, but you obviously aren't. Would you like to unburden yourself and talk about it? It must have been so upsetting

So, you think everyone who changes their name hates their father?

No, not at all. I'm saying she should say that to the PILs to embarrass them.

It's a stupid thing to say because that is exactly the implication and it's nasty.

The OP could try just talking to them herself given she doesn't appear to have done this in 7 years, just asked her DH to do it.

My in laws do the same thing at times. I often wonder whether it’s meant as a kind gesture (you are included in the family) or spiteful (you don’t get to decide).

I felt insulted because I generally think it’s insulting to expect a female to change her name for a man.

I didn’t say anything tho.

Just call them out and say “u called me mrs Dhsurname by mistake, don’t forget I didn’t decide to change.”

@AngelasAshes I am with your Mum I did change my name, but am now divorced. My profession can use the title Dr. though I prefer not too as my qualification is a medicine and surgery qualification and I see myself as a surgeon so like a human surgeon prefer not to use Dr. I have retained Mrs I do not like Ms for my own personal reasons. So my order of preference is Mrs, Dr then Ms last of all. Today I find myself booked onto a professional conference abroad including flights as Ms Lonecat this has given me the rage, but I have the costings of the flights it will cost more to change my name than the flight itself cost.
I will remarry in November and for a variety of reasons I may switch to Dr with newH name - mainly as it is a rather infamous combination and it will perplex people.

I’ve been married for 14 years, my in- laws know full well I haven’t changed my name and still send anniversary cards etc to Mr Mrs DH Surname. Pisses me off every time. My MIL once said she’d sent me a cheque in ‘my other name’ and I pointed out I only have one. Short of starting WW3 by sending it back saying not known at this address not much I can do.

I once returned a card to my MIL from them addressed to Mrs dhsurname with a "sorry, someone sent to our house but it must be for you" and a sweet smile.

They don't like confrontation so that stopped it.

They’re confused as to the ‘why’ you didn’t take their son’s name. Some people don’t like change.
Tell them, their breakdown policy is invalid because your name is incorrect.

They sounds like a couple of dickheads. Why are they so upset that you kept your surname? I would say something if I were you. They obviously know they can ignore your husband’s request without any repercussions so there’s no point him speaking to them again.

Also, why is your husband making excuses for them? They’re not confused. They’re extremely rude.

Send them a fridge magnet made up with your wedding photo on with your names on too.

I think the reason I haven't said anything is because I strongly suspect that they're doing it deliberately because they don't approve of my choice.

It's easier for me to get annoyed then pretend to myself that they've just forgotten.

I know really what they think and that it's deliberate. Trouble is once it's confirmed it will lower my opinion of them and affect our relationship.

I really want to say c. And yes they are doing deliberately and that’s exactly why c!

But, I have the exact same problem and haven’t done it myself

I have probably had my SIL seething over the years as I was never sure what to put on the Christmas card envelope. She double barrelled her surname and DB kept his name, so I always put 'Mr & Mrs dB initial dB surname' because it would take up the whole width of the envelope to put Mr dB initial dB surname & Mrs SIL initial SIL surname-db surname (her surname is quite long before double barrelling). We rarely exchange cards these days so it's not really an issue any more, but I wonder what would have been the best thing to put.

Ask your mother in law if she’d like to be called Ms Hermaidenname. When she says no tell her “I feel the same way about you calling me Mrs Husbandsname”.

Because she’s a tedious gender traditionalist she will then say “but you’re really Mrs Husbands name” no which you repeat “no I’m not” and “if you keep calling me that I’m going to call you Ms Hermaidenname until you get the point”.

Oh pull the other one dollybird, this is so disingenuous.

You knew her chosen name yet you weren't sure what to put?

Her name surely? If it was really so long use the next line, or just use her first name.

You can't just change someone's name for them. Well you can, but don't be surprised if they think you're a rude sod.

because it would take up the whole width of the envelope

Oh nos! The whole width of the envelope! How horrendous. No one could possibly cope.

I have probably had my SIL seething over the years as I was never sure what to put on the Christmas card envelope. She double barrelled her surname and DB kept his name, so I always put 'Mr & Mrs dB initial dB surname' because it would take up the whole width of the envelope to put Mr dB initial dB surname & Mrs SIL initial SIL surname-db surname (her surname is quite long before double barrelling). We rarely exchange cards these days so it's not really an issue any more, but I wonder what would have been the best thing to put.

So you went with lazy over manners? Your SIL sounds like a very polite and tolerant person. As a hint, the best thing to use is a person’s name. Their name, not the one you think they have.

OP, in your situation I’d use the insurance thing as your way in next time you see them. Cheerful and breezy. ‘Oh MIL! I think you made a mistake on the name here, did you forget I’m X? Would hate to invalidate the policy. Do you want to change it or should I?’

And then repeat every single time. Relentlessly light and cheerful. ‘We got your card, how lovely! I think you got the name wrong though, did you forget that’s not my name?’

It will really throw them if you do it every time. They can’t complain if you raise it cheerfully and ‘assume’ they forget without being arseholes and there’s nowhere for them to go - if they point out you always respond the same way you’re able to respond ‘gosh, so you didn’t forget and used the wrong name intentionally? Goodness what a palaver. Why would you do that?’

I'd have put her name if I was just sending something to her, but we never exchanged individual cards. I totally hold my hands up to being in the wrong here, and if I had my time over, I'd have kept my maiden name. Older and a bit wider.

I mean 'sending something to just her'

It's often a bit difficult, especially when form filling. I was in the same position as your in laws when my daughter remarried and didn't change her name. If I wrote to both of them it was Mr and Mrs Son-in-Law, but if it was just to her, It would be to Mrs Maiden Name. I think she understood, and didn't mind. After all, she WAS Mrs Son-in-Law, since she had married him!

Choose random surname and prefix it with "Mother" for mil and "Father" for fil - ie "Mother Twatmuffin" and "Father Twatmuffin". Address them by these ridiculous monikers every time you talk to them. "Oh thank you Mother Twatmuffin, I'd love a brew," etc. Probably choose something similar to their name but not quite the same (Bronte instead of Brown, for example). Because if they want to give you a name you don't have, you can join in their hilarious game.

Bonus points for claiming that you thought it WAS their name or you FORGOT.

They’re definitely doing it intentionally. My paternal grandparents always deliberately spelled mysurname wrong (either adding an extra letter or taking one out or both) because I have my mums surname not my dads and they didn’t approve