Wwyd? In laws and my name

[Crazyrunninglady]

Been with dh 14 years, married for 7.

When we married I didn't change my name, I kept my own. I have my reasons but really it's irrelevant. I knew some people would presume I'd change my name, so I told dh to mention to his parents that I'd kept my name, just so that there was no confusion. I go by Ms Crazyrunninglady, that's my legal name.

Over the years in laws have repeatedly called me Mrs dhinitial Dhsurname.

I asked dh to politely correct them, then for a time they started double barrelling my name. Which is also totally incorrect. Now they've gone back to Mrs Dhsurname.

Dh says they're confused. They're not elderly, they don't generally get confused.

Would you, a) ignore b) ask dh to tell them c) tell them yourself

My main problem with c) is that I suspect they already know and are doing it deliberately. I know they'd be dismissive of my reasons. Fil would pull a face, stick his opinion in and this would cause friction.

I would tell them yourself - just the once.

Say "Is there a reason that you keep calling me DHname? It isn't my name and it is quite inconvenient when you use it in official documents like on the policy, and means I might not be covered. Why do you not call me by my own name?"

They will act disingenuous and say that once you are married it is your name, and you can put them right.

You could say "if you are starting to have memory problems I could write it on a note n the fridge for you?" if you wanted to have a return passive aggressive dig?

I wouldn't let this go just because of the sheer deliberate pettiness of it.

Everytime they address you as Mrs DHsurname, they are thinking of getting one-up on you.

It would piss me off.

The thing that annoyed me recently though was they set something up in our names. Imagine adding us to a breakdown cover policy. They put me as Mrs Dhsurname.

If it went to you by post then contact them yourself and change it, then contact your MIl and tell her you contacted them and told them what your actual name was, she must have been confused

c) tell them yourself

I actually don't understand why, after 7 years, you haven't done this already.

They’re lying. No one would forget a surname like Crazyrunninglady.

C.

Do you have children? If so or planning them, what surname will they have?
I double barrelled my surname and DS is double barrelled too. Important that they know their own grandchild's name so time to get it right!

My PILs did this for years because they didn’t approve. As did my own aunt. It’s so annoying. You can ignore it or be an a-hole like me and send them mail with his surname and her maiden name. As is, Mr. Oldschool and Ms. Maidenname. It did the trick, but they always found other things about me to disapprove of, it was just a drop in the bucket . They were jerks.

My own relatives are just as bad as my in-laws for this. They actually make the effort to remember the name of a man they have met once or twice rather than use a name they've used my whole life.

I actually recieved a card just this morning from a couple whose wedding we attended a few months ago addressed to Mr and Mrs J Notmyname. They are only 30. I'm choosing to forgive them as they are his friends and maybe don't know my name. And because they are newlyweds and she is still in the phase where she loves not having her own identity and assumes every other married woman is the same?

I didn’t change my name when I got married either. Didn’t see why I should, it’s my name and I wanted to keep it. Older relatives STILL refer to me as Mrs DH’s Inital, DH Last Name! I don’t mind so much if it’s a Christmas card or something but anything important and I’d bring it up.

Write ‘not know at this address’ on the envelope and return to sender!

I had this in my first marriage, it was extremely annoying and although I corrected them repeatedly, they refused to change. It was quite a bone of contention between me and the MIL, but then there were many others...

I would not ignore it, why should people call you by a name that is not your name?

Depend how much it bothers you. I'd personally ignore it. I kept my name when I got married and no one we know ever refers to me as anything else. However, it wouldn't bother me if they did. The only exception to this would be if they were referring to me by the wrong name in a formal capacity but birthday cards, etc. wouldn't be an issue.

My MIL got us a personalised silver wedding certificate holder as a present - Mr & Mrs DHsurname. When DH told her I was keeping my own name, she glued pearls over the surname so it just says Mr & Mrs 😊 I'm lucky, she's a gem!

I did the same thing you did and constantly have to fight for the "Ms" with everyone. People don't deal well with it.

When someone call me "Mrs DHSurname" in a private setting because they do not know, I let them. If we get on well enough to connect on social media, they'll find out.

That being said, I'd call the "thing" you have been added to, explain the situation, and see if you can change it yourself.

As for your PIL, I don't think they'll change. You already know that this a DH problem, so I guess it is question of whether this is the hill you want to die on. My PIL tried to get me to take DH's name because "what name will your children have?!". We had previously made it VERY clear that we didn't want any so I proceeded to list the side effects of any form of contraception I have ever been on to reassure them that the current one works great and won't fail. They use my real last name now.
(They have form to try and dominate DH's life and being crass is often the only thing that works - I am very well-mannered with most people!)

Fun fact: Our registrar willfully forgot and sent the paperwork addressed to Mr & Mrs DHSurname - the certificate lists my correct, unchanged surname but even at the meeting prior to the ceremony she acted as if I was emasculating DH by not taking his name.

she is still in the phase where she loves not having her own identity

Yes, because your identity all hinges on one small part of your name. 🙄

Ask them if they are attending the local dementia memory clinic yet or if they need the details.

Put on your big girl pants and confront them OP. Especially in the case of an insurance policy. Using the wrong name invalidates the policy for you. Or maybe that was deliberate too. 🤷🏻‍♀️

What is it with the U.K. about this anyway? On another thread of a similar vein, just like week I think, several posters said they didn’t have issues in lots of other counties other than the U.K. What’s with the conservatism?

This is the reason that DP and I aren't married - I want to keep my (very unusual) surname, and he wants me to take his and drop mine. I would be fine to add his to mine, but he doesn't want that.

Ironically, I have pointed out to him that I would be Mrs HisFirstName HisSurname, and would not mind that - but he wants me to be just MyFirstName HisSurname.

For anything official, it needs to be changed or it will be invalid.

@IlonaRN why doesn’t he want to take your surname? Also, why does he think his misguided opinions about your name count for anything? 😂

This seems to be an in-law modus operandi. My MiL still does exactly the same, despite our having been married over a decade and despite having been persistently corrected by DH. There's nothing else to conclude but that she's being deliberately childish and spiteful, and to not give her the satisfaction she's after by way of a response.

Our DC doesn't receive the courtesy of an accurate name either: her form of address is DC, MiddleName, Hisname (she's stripped him of my portion of his name). I'm not only divested of my name but also demoted from my 'Dr' title, which amuses me because they've made it obvious they have chips on their shoulders about it. So I'm customarily addressed as 'one "Mrs HisName", a person whom as yet I knew not ...'

Hey, ho. If people decide to behave like childish arseholes rather than raising whatever the problem is directly and like mature adults, what is one to do? [nonchalant shrug].

I kept my name too
Intending on chucking any post straight back to sender if we get anything. Tell your inlaws, don't be scared of them!

Meh who cares? I married 25 yrs ago. Kept my name.
My own siblings call me Mrs DHsurname most recently two months ago booking a hotel for me in China.
The school calls me Mrs DHsurname. I tried correcting it but they started to call me “miss” and make me prove I was not my own kids stepmother or their fathers girlfriend. So I let it stay.
I got my credit reports...and sure enough it shows that I have several names including my first name + DH surname.

But that’s not all! For work functions, my DH is known as Mr mysurname. It’s on place cards at fancy dinners! He has been called Mr mysurname by doctors, by bankers calling about my investments.

We just find it hilarious. And go with the flow....

Life’s too short to get offended. My mum was always offended. She DID change her name to my dad’s surname but what offended her was the fact letters would be addressed to Dr & Mrs Fux. She was a Dr too! She often made angry calls telling them to address things to Dr & Dr Fux. She got worse after she was ordained. Letters had to be addressed to Dr & Reverend Dr Fux.
So, that’s why I have a more just laugh and move on mentality. Too much stress over a name.

I like strife, therefore as of right this second they become Mr & Mrs Crazyrunninglady until they learn to address you as you want to be addressed.

If they fail to learn then see how many junk mail companies you can encourage to address them by their new surname.

Mmmmmm strife.

I would address all letters and Xmas post to them as Mr and Mrs Her Initial Her Surname. Pretend you're all a part of some sort of inside joke.

Send any post back to them with 'not known at this address' :-D