Wwyd? In laws and my name

[Crazyrunninglady]

Been with dh 14 years, married for 7.

When we married I didn't change my name, I kept my own. I have my reasons but really it's irrelevant. I knew some people would presume I'd change my name, so I told dh to mention to his parents that I'd kept my name, just so that there was no confusion. I go by Ms Crazyrunninglady, that's my legal name.

Over the years in laws have repeatedly called me Mrs dhinitial Dhsurname.

I asked dh to politely correct them, then for a time they started double barrelling my name. Which is also totally incorrect. Now they've gone back to Mrs Dhsurname.

Dh says they're confused. They're not elderly, they don't generally get confused.

Would you, a) ignore b) ask dh to tell them c) tell them yourself

My main problem with c) is that I suspect they already know and are doing it deliberately. I know they'd be dismissive of my reasons. Fil would pull a face, stick his opinion in and this would cause friction.

You're right, I'm just a wimp who hates rocking the boat. Like dh I suppose.

I don't want to upset them, but they clearly don't care if they upset me.

Multicoloured - so I'm confused, what do you have to do for your married name to be legally your name?

As you don't need to fill out any declaration that you will be using this new name, or state at the marriage ceremony anything about the name, and you also don't legally have to have a passport or driving licence or even a bank account if you don't want to, what other than the marriage certificate would be needed for an insurance company to believe the OP was Mrs Hisname for a payout?

What makes it a legal name or not?

OP - You do need to tell them, they have put it on a legal doc, which is much bigger deal than a christmas card or birthday card.

It's ok to stay factual, not emotional - it needs to be changed to match the name you have on all your ID. Can you do it yourself and then inform them you have fixed their mistake, or do they need to do it?

@Crazyrunninglady try not to beat yourself up too much but still be determined. This is your name, your identity. Why should some other person who doesn’t even respect you get to decide what your identity is?

In laws do this. My SIL is a Dr and that's not acknowledged. We all ignore it. They only do it to get a rise out of us. It annoys them more that we ignore.

We also all spell the requested Grandparent names wrongly, "oh did we, hard to keep up", when confronted.

MIL refuses to write my maiden name. She can barely bring herself to say my first name. This is why we barely see them

No advice to add, just sympathy! My DM does this too! Also, DH sometimes gets called Mr Crafty in hotels and the like...when he’s given them his name. That or we get confused looks when giving both names.

"Yeah I know, but as it stands it's a bit of an unsaid thing. If I mention it and fil says something rude, sexist and obnoxious it will be worse.

Dh has messaged them and politely mentioned it, but has been ignored.!

It doesn't have to be a confrontation. If your FIL responds in a childish and petulant way, that is on him. You haven't "caused" it to happen.

I'm curious why they are using your surname. I literally can't think of a single time when my in-laws would have to use mine.

This is the type of thing that wouldn't bother me unless I thought they were doing it on purpose. They possibly haven't given it any thought though.

My sil sent me “gift” while she was quite rude to me during that week.. with my DH surname as my surname on the envelope. It wasn’t to both of us, was just to me.

I didn’t thank her. I put the gift away and didn’t use it.

To me it was definitely a dig. She had been rude to me few days before and few days after. So the wrong surname was definitely on purpose. It was the first time she does it.

Didn’t mention the gift and didn’t thank her for it. And never used it.

If it was to both me and DH and she wrote Mr and Mrs, I would’ve put it down to laziness. But I’m pretty sure that gift was meant to be to get a one up on me. As she had displayed with all her behaviour surrounding the event.

It’s possible that your in laws are just burning lazy. And it’s possible they’re being careless on purpose. Or that they’re having a one up. But u would need to examine the context before you can be certain which one it is.

If it’s out of character then I’d say it’s just being lazy and I would mention it to them politely. If it was part of their passive aggressive nature, then feel free to assert your boundaries as you wish.

i appreciate your name is important to you, but honestly, i'm not sure i could muster up the energy to be bothered about shit like this.

if they're saying it deliberately to your face, then absolutely call them out on it.

but if it's 2 or 3 cards per year, with the wrong name on the envelope, but the right name inside the card, is it really worth causing drama about?

normally people get worked up about things like this when there are a long list of other bugbears that have worn tolerance thin. is this the case here?

It's on an insurance policy. A legal document.

Meh. I’d ignore it. People behave towards me in much, much worse ways on an almost daily basis, so at most I’d raise an eyebrow.

My DH's family have always ignored the fact that I kept my surname after we got married a few years back.

They still use his surname when addressing cards to me.

It's annoying, and I've voiced it in a very diplomatic way, but it continues. I relate to you OP.

I kept my dead ex husband name, because after so many years, everything I own and everything I do is in that name. If someone calls me Mrs. DHsname, I just shrug. I can be Mrs DHsname socially, or not. I really don’t feel that much attachment to a name, either way and generally have bigger things to worry about

This seems so common that I can't help think there's a market for 'no name changed' cards like we have 'name changed' cards.

Until someone does this, I'd get some printed and send one to them every single time they get your name wrong. They may ignore it, but it will make you feel better! Vistaprint is pretty cheap, and Moo does some very natty cards too.

I never changed my name after marriage on any documents as I simply could not bothered. But I use both names fairly interchangably. i have a bank accounts in both names,.

Professionally I am married name in this career, and maiden name in previous career.

As a PP said- your legal name is the name on your birth certificate. It is a custom to change your name that society recognises, but technically, your birth name is and remains your name. You do not 'lose' your birth name just because you choose to go by your married name.

Alot of people- and some institutions - don't understand that. I was told a few years ago at the post office when trying to change money (using passport in maiden name and debit card in married name) that it was illegal to not change all your documents to your married name and that the post mistress would 'have to report' me to to the police. That was quite the interesting discussion I can tell you. I had my marriage certificate with me too at the time to prove i was the same person. Nup, illegal apparently and she would be reporting me that day and I would be required to explain myself to the police. I just laughed at her (she was so officious about it).

Loads of cultures do not have the women change their name on marriage. It is such a funny thing for some people to get het up about!

I do wonder if they think you are just being idiosyncratic, and that legally, when you marry your name changes.

So they think that legally your name is Mrs Their-sons-name, but personally you are going by Mrs your-actual-name. So that anything with a public or legal standing they feel they should use what they think is your "legal" name, whilst knowing you prefer your actual name for personal stuff.

I don't even know if that makes sense. It does in my head.

I think your DH needs to be stronger in telling them, no point ‘messaging’ them politely, he needs to be much more forceful. ‘Mum and Dad, please remember that Crazy has kept her own surname following our marriage. Please don’t address her as Mrs Wimp’. And he needs to tell them face to face.

But, apart from the legal doc, I’m like others and it really wouldn’t bother me, in fact if they are doing it to be obnoxious & want a reaction, even more reason to just ignore it.

Why don't you call THEM by different names?

When they query it, just politely inform them that you've been married to DH long enough for them to get your surname right, that you're aware DH has also had this convo with them and until they get your surname right you will be calling THEM by the alternative names.

I would call them Mr & Mrs Confused.com.

You could ignore them but you've tried that and it's clearly bothering you.

YANBU: they are being disrespectful and enough is enough.

Or, you could go for the mature option and just call them out on it: PIL, why DO you INSIST on calling me by the wrong surname? And when they give you a flimsy excuse: you DO realise how disrespectful it is don't you? How would you like it if I refer to you as Mr and Mrs Confused from now on?

My name is @Crazyrunninglady and I expect you to use it from now on: it's not negotiable.

If they STILL call you the wrong name, phase them out. He has to see his parents, you do not.

IT'S YOUR NAME. Don't put up with this any longer. They are insulting and offending you every time they do it. You are not insulting nor offending them.

If they refuse to acknowledge your actual, legal name then I would address anything to them as something mildly offensive and blatantly ridiculous e.g. Mr & Mrs FartyWarthog.

I’d ignore

Oh if you have young DC, teach them to call them the wrong names. If you do have DC, I hope they have your surname!