horrible arguement last night -i am right to be angy ?

[Bravenewworld1]

last night me and DH had an argument . we were all sitting at the dinner table- me , dh and our 2 children aged 12 and 10. I had made a meal, he had gone out got a bottle of wine - not something we usually do- the wine I mean so I was really looking forward to it.
it all started really well. anyway we were talking about a film we had both seen and explaining what it was about to our daughter. I looked over and he gave me a disgusted look. I asked him if he was ok and he said ' you deliberately interrupted me like I'm invisible you always do this you are horrible and rude'. I was shocked I really didn't think that happened at all .. I thought he had stopped speaking but he must have just paused and I said something during the pause. so yes I may have inadvertently interrupted him but in no way did I deliberately do this. he has said it with real venom and I was really upset. we hadn't even started drinking so I cant blame it on that. I just starting crying . I couldn't eat I was too upset. dh got up and went upstairs. then I got really angry- I felt that the way he spoke to me was really out of order. anyway I did something bad. I followed him upstairs . he had gone into the bathroom to have a shower. now I know this is wrong of me as I wasn't respecting his privacy or right to be alone but I burst into the bathroom and started shouting that I did nothing deliberately and that he was out of order . anyway he shouted go away and pushed me out of the bathroom with such force that I fell to the floor. we have not spoken since.

What did your children do while all this was going on ???

I started reading your post thinking that for him to be so angry it must be something you do quite often without realising, so I can understand his frustration. There’s better ways to deal with this than yelling in front of your kids though, that’s just a simple conversation.

But then I read the last bit. Yes you may have been unreasonable to burst in and yell at you, but pushing you to the floor is awful and something I’d really worry about. Did he not ask if you were ok? Show any signs of remorse? Did your kids see or hear this??

I would be furious if my DH pushed me so hard I fell over. YANBU.

Your behaviour wasn't great (the following him and shouting) but that does not in any way excuse his violent reaction.

Where were your DC while all this was happening?

Does he do this often?

Christ how old are you!

What a mess and how horrible for your children to see or hear their parents going at each other

You shouldn’t have followed him, you absolutely shouldn’t have gone in shouting, he definitely shouldn’t have pushed you! You were both in the wrong and I doubt this is the first time a disagreement has escalated like this. Learn to argue quietly at night when the kids are in bed!

What an absolute over reaction by you. My husband interrupts like this and it drives me mad. You should have just apologised carried on with the meal without the dramatics.

Does he have many outbursts? Or was this a totally random one-off?

The first part is tricky. Do you think maybe you do this a lot without realising? Maybe it became too much and he snapped? Has he ever mentioned this before?

If hes never said this before then I think he could have just mentioned it to you afterwards or said in a calm way youd interrupted him - calling you horrible and rude is an over reaction to a one off behaviour or behaviour you didn't know was an issue until then and attacking you in front of the children was uncalled for.

Pushing you is never ever on no matter how angry he is.

You need to have a chat and ask him to tell you calmly next time hes annoyed with you. And you need an apology for the pushing. But you also need to consider if you do talk over him

You definitely overreacted until the pushing bit.

Where were the kids during this time?

A simple " oh sorry I thought you had finished, please carry on what you were saying" would have have solved this surely?

What a mess! The first bit sounds like something that’s been festering for a while. So I think you need to talk about that.

In fairness to your husband if my husband burst in on me while I was in the bathroom, I would push him to the ground / get him out in no uncertain terms. I’d think it was such a violation so I don’t blame him really. I’m sorry though cos I don’t think you meant it the way it would feel.

Fucking hell. You have serious problems for that tiny argument to lead to what it did, on both your parts!

For starters it sounds like he has had enough of you being rude and talking over him. My father does that to my mother all the time. Every single meal at their home is ruined by it.

Secondly crying over him calling you out on it? That’s very manipulative. You were called in your rude behaviour, you apologise and let him continue with what he was saying. You don’t play the victim.

Thirdly, you massively escalated what should have been sorted very easily with an apology. Instead you exploded and burst in when he was having a shower to have a screaming row with him. That’s horrible. You are coming across as someone who cannot accept being told when they are wrong. Your reaction to it was appalling.

Lastly, he absolutely shouldn’t have pushed you.

Like I said, you two need to take a long hard look at your relationship. Your interaction was massively out of proportion to what caused the problem.

In fairness to your husband if my husband burst in on me while I was in the bathroom, I would push him to the ground / get him out in no uncertain terms. I’d think it was such a violation so I don’t blame him really. I’m sorry though cos I don’t think you meant it the way it would feel.

Exactly! Also bursted in screaming. This basically cornered him in there. I would push too.

The parents' job is to keep things level for the children. He shouldn't have been sharp to you, and you shouldn't have cried.

However, you can't do much about what he does. You should have turned your attention away from him and focussed on the children- changed the subject. Never indulge your feelings at the expense of your children, and teach him not to as well.

you always do this you are horrible and rude

Had he not said this then it was fair for him to raise the issue.

Pushing you however is concerning as shows he lost control. Has anything like this happened before? Has there been changes in his work or in your lives? If he displayed contempt for you then it is a very strong sign of the relationship's health.

It is hard to know if the interrupting was something you do a lot. It may be inadvertent but does show a lack of respect for the other person.

Your DH then went away to cool off, calm down. Instead of leaving him to do this you worked yourself up and pursued him to prolong the argument.

In my home bursting into the bathroom would be incredibly invasive and threatening (we never share bathroom space) so if you are similar then I can see why your DH reacted.

So he was upset about something you do, and you turned it round so that he was wrong to be annoyed at you and got pretty aggressive about it.
Jeez, you better watch your marriage

I think you need to examine your behaviour. I would suggest that for your husband to be that angry about being interrupted, it likely is something you do often. It is my experience that serial interrupters are almost always oblivious to the fact that they do it.

Interrupting people is unbearably rude, and can make the person who is constantly interrupted feel invisible and disrespected.

I don't think your husband handled it well by snapping at you, but I expect he was upset.

The other big issue is you crying - he was the one who was hurt by your behaviour, and by crying you were centering your own feelings, and not allowing him to have his hurt addressed (because, even if just subconsciously, you wanted him to feel bad for upsetting you).

It was then really inappropriate for you to chase him into the shower and shout at him when he was trying to remove himself from the situation, but you obviously already know that.

I do not think it's at all acceptable that your husband pushed you, especially so hard that you fell - although I expect he felt cornered when he had tried to leave. But that isn't an excuse and he shouldn't have done it.

I think you need to have a conversation which starts with you taking responsibility for your behaviour and apologising to him. That should include an undertaking to change your behaviour re the interrupting, and an explanation of how you intend to stop it happening again.

You also need to apologise to your children if they witnessed this, and tell them it won't happen again.

Your husband ought to apologise to you too for what he did. But ultimately you created and then vastly escalated this situation, and the apology for that is where this should start.

But conversations take a natural course. It's not like school where you have to put your hand up and get permission to speak. It could be a 2, 3 or 4 way conversation and everyone just says what they want when they want within reason.

It sounds like your husband was a bit OTT and if it really is an ongoing issue this was not the time or place to have it out. The rest would not have happened without his outburst at the table.

He walked away, you followed. You burst in the bathroom shouting at him? I would feel that anyone bursting in while i was trying to shower was totally unreasonable and trying to make me feel very nervous, being naked and in show would be horrible

I don’t know about others but for me the shower is my sanctuary. It’s the one place I can go to be entirely guaranteed or peace and privacy. It’s where I go to destress after a tough day or a row with someone or to work out my thoughts about something. No-one comes in when anyone is in the bathroom in our house. It’s private. End of. For you to have done that to me would have broken a real boundary. It would have shown an immense disrespect.

Sorry, you did not behave well.

Sounds like you talk over him a lot, a very demeaning action.

Instead of apologising you turn on the waterworks - incredibly manipulative.

You then corner him in the bathroom yelling - that’s aggressive.

Maybe he shouldn’t have pushed you but you goaded him.

All you had to do was apologise, like an adult when he called you out in your initial rudeness.

And all in front of your kids, brilliant modelling.

You owe all of your family a massive apology and examine your behaviours.

She already admitted it was a mistake to follow him upstairs into the bathroom. But it's never right to push someone so hard they fall on the floor.

I’m assuming that he was pushing you because you were refusing to leave when he said “go away”. He had to have gotten out of the shower and come to you to push you out the door so all that time you could have left and didn’t.