Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

horrible arguement last night -i am right to be angy ?

188 replies

Bravenewworld1 · 06/08/2019 21:20

last night me and DH had an argument . we were all sitting at the dinner table- me , dh and our 2 children aged 12 and 10. I had made a meal, he had gone out got a bottle of wine - not something we usually do- the wine I mean so I was really looking forward to it.
it all started really well. anyway we were talking about a film we had both seen and explaining what it was about to our daughter. I looked over and he gave me a disgusted look. I asked him if he was ok and he said ' you deliberately interrupted me like I'm invisible you always do this you are horrible and rude'. I was shocked I really didn't think that happened at all .. I thought he had stopped speaking but he must have just paused and I said something during the pause. so yes I may have inadvertently interrupted him but in no way did I deliberately do this. he has said it with real venom and I was really upset. we hadn't even started drinking so I cant blame it on that. I just starting crying . I couldn't eat I was too upset. dh got up and went upstairs. then I got really angry- I felt that the way he spoke to me was really out of order. anyway I did something bad. I followed him upstairs . he had gone into the bathroom to have a shower. now I know this is wrong of me as I wasn't respecting his privacy or right to be alone but I burst into the bathroom and started shouting that I did nothing deliberately and that he was out of order . anyway he shouted go away and pushed me out of the bathroom with such force that I fell to the floor. we have not spoken since.

OP posts:
Yabbers · 06/08/2019 23:08

I just stayed quiet I am very careful not to talk over people

Perhaps you aren’t as good at this as you think. Some people take longer to form and verbalise a thought than others. If you are very careful about it, why wasn’t your reaction to apologise and ask him to finish? That’s what most people who are very careful not to do something would do. Bursting in to tears and rushing in screaming at him seems very OTT.

Smilebehappy123 · 06/08/2019 23:14

Joxer that’s the point neither one of us are worthy of challenging the other for interrupting

Karwomannghia · 06/08/2019 23:15

When as far as you can tell you’re all having a nice conversation and someone blasts you out of the blue giving you nasty looks and calling you names it’s a horrible, unexpected and very upsetting feeling. And then when you questioned his behaviour you get pushed over. I’d be upset too.

NoWayDidISayThat · 06/08/2019 23:16

You and your husband should either separate or get help. You are both being awful parents to your children. It's really selfish and unfair or you and your husband to expose them to this sort of thing. You have to make sure they arent witness to it again.

JoxerGoesToStuttgart · 06/08/2019 23:18

that’s the point neither one of us are worthy of challenging the other for interrupting

Or maybe just respect the person who is speaking so no-one needs to be challenged for interrupting.

AutumnCrow · 06/08/2019 23:21

I'm sure the children are NOT fine.

Original poster
Bravenewworld1 · 06/08/2019 23:26

yabbers- if anyone told me I had interrupted I would have apologised . no one is perfect and even if I didn't think I did I would still apologise . however he was absolutely horrible. I didn't he have a change to say sorry he told me how horrible I am . I wasn't going to interrupt and when he finished telling me how awful I was I was too upset to respond.

OP posts:
steff13 · 06/08/2019 23:28

I don't think either of you are really in the right here. Have read your previous threads, I think in those situations you are both in the wrong as well. I don't understand why this relationship has continued. It must be exhausting and horrible to live like that. I can't imagine what it's like for your children.

Alb1 · 06/08/2019 23:32

He shouldn’t have snapped in front of the children, you shouldn’t have reacted so dramatically in front of the children (crying so much you couldn’t eat because your husband snapped) and you were obviously wrong storming after him. Teenagers would behave better over dinner. So how are your children? I hope you’ve both atleast spoken to them
And reassured them this isn’t their fault.

Skittlenommer · 06/08/2019 23:45

You both need to sort yourselves out before your children end up needing life-long therapy! I speak from experience. Growing up in a household like that is toxic and damaging! Kids absorb everything, they’re like little sponges. If you think this isn’t having a negative impact on them then you’re deluded!

Schuyler · 06/08/2019 23:46

He started on you in front of the children and you continued. Is this something you want them growing up to see? Do you want them to think it’s normal?

Aridane · 06/08/2019 23:53

OP - sorry, but you sound awful - and that's from your own account

Schuyler · 06/08/2019 23:55

I’ve had a brief look at your posting history. This volatile relationship has been going on for a few years. This isn’t working for you, how can it be? Please take your children away from this situation. It’s not healthy or right for anyone.

Original poster
Bravenewworld1 · 06/08/2019 23:57

oh my god- when did I ever say this would not have a negative effect on the kids. of course I apologised to them . of course I spoke to them and apologised. of course I feel guilty . this all goes with out saying. im not asking your opinion of the effect this has on the children because there is no question of it being a truly awful traumatising thing. that's why I didn't say anything at the dinner table. I didn't burst into tears but sometimes tears running down your face is something that cant be helped. yes I was wrong to follow it on upstairs but its better than responding in front of the kids. and yes If I was stronger person I would have kept it all inside. as for not finishing my food I have a right to not eat if I loose my appetite because someone has been nasty to me.

OP posts:
slt2b · 06/08/2019 23:59

Reading this and your other threads, for the love of God just split up. Your poor kids know you are not happy, this is not a good example to them.

Original poster
Bravenewworld1 · 06/08/2019 23:59

thank you all the kinds words of support by the way . there have been some really supportive posts- obviously not from everyone but anyway

OP posts:
Wildorchidz · 07/08/2019 00:11

For all your sakes you and your husband need to go your separate ways.

tolerable · 07/08/2019 00:20

what??? youve missed 10-12yrs+9months interaction between you out i think.

Witchend · 07/08/2019 00:26

People who interrupt often don't realise they're doing it, nor do they realise how irritating it is. You can feel that all they're doing is waiting for a break so they can say their bit, without any listening to you.
One of my dd used to be dreadful about it. Conversations would go:
Other dc: What did you think about X?
Me: Oh I'm not sure
Dd: (very quickly) There's a new girl coming into our form tomorrow and.....

I went through a time of calling her out, not every time, but frequently because if you let her get to the end of her long speech, in her head that's what the conversation had been like. She hadn't listened to the first part, so as far as she was concerned it was unimportant.

At first she sulked, pretty much every time. I'd let the person finish what they were saying (within reason, if they started going round the houses then I'd bring it to a close). When I turned to her and asked her what she had been saying she'd always say "I've forgotten" or "It wasn't important."
But now she knows to wait. She does occasionally interrupt inappropriately, but when asked to wait, waits patiently, and may even join in with the conversation.

Nanna50 · 07/08/2019 00:32

Believe me your children could hear it and are affected, they are in the same house, upstairs, downstairs, garage or garden they still know.

CSIblonde · 07/08/2019 00:38

Is this a pattern? A minor irritation was voiced (all couples have things that get on each others nerves) , which then escalated & got out of hand. You could have apologised then talked it over with him later, alone, in a calm setting if you felt it was unjust. The crying & screaming were OTT & not an adult way to resolve things. He shouldn't have pushed you, but it does present as you actively goading & spoiling for a fight. You really need to change the dynamic of disagreements if this is how they usually go. It's all a bit hysterical & dramatic, over something fairly minor.

Schuyler · 07/08/2019 00:39

You think your children don’t notice when he refused to talk to you for over a week? You think your children don’t sense tension and unhappiness? You think they didn’t hear shouting? They’re not babies and this has been going on for a few years, so it’s not an isolated incident.

Why don’t you leave him and I’m sure you’d be happier, as would they? Don’t you deserve better than being treated like this?

ReanimatedSGB · 07/08/2019 00:41

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
Bravenewworld1 · 07/08/2019 01:09

wow - so I am a shocking whiner. you are obviously a charming and lovely person with plenty of sympathy for others .

OP posts:
Skittlenommer · 07/08/2019 01:27

of course I apologised to them . of course I spoke to them and apologised. of course I feel guilty This doesn’t negate the trauma!!

that's why I didn’t say anything at the dinner table.... I was wrong to follow it on upstairs but its better than responding in front of the kids Do you think they go deaf because you’re out of the room??? I’ve spent many a night with knots in my stomach listening to my parents shouting.

Considering the history you have a responsibility to your children to get out of this relationship... like yesterday!