horrible arguement last night -i am right to be angy ?

[Bravenewworld1]

last night me and DH had an argument . we were all sitting at the dinner table- me , dh and our 2 children aged 12 and 10. I had made a meal, he had gone out got a bottle of wine - not something we usually do- the wine I mean so I was really looking forward to it.
it all started really well. anyway we were talking about a film we had both seen and explaining what it was about to our daughter. I looked over and he gave me a disgusted look. I asked him if he was ok and he said ' you deliberately interrupted me like I'm invisible you always do this you are horrible and rude'. I was shocked I really didn't think that happened at all .. I thought he had stopped speaking but he must have just paused and I said something during the pause. so yes I may have inadvertently interrupted him but in no way did I deliberately do this. he has said it with real venom and I was really upset. we hadn't even started drinking so I cant blame it on that. I just starting crying . I couldn't eat I was too upset. dh got up and went upstairs. then I got really angry- I felt that the way he spoke to me was really out of order. anyway I did something bad. I followed him upstairs . he had gone into the bathroom to have a shower. now I know this is wrong of me as I wasn't respecting his privacy or right to be alone but I burst into the bathroom and started shouting that I did nothing deliberately and that he was out of order . anyway he shouted go away and pushed me out of the bathroom with such force that I fell to the floor. we have not spoken since.

you do realise don't you that if you are in, say, an office environment in a meeting and you accidentally talk over someone then they don't get to have a nasty strop and start ranting and raving?

1. he didn’t rant and rave from what I can tell. He told OP she always interrupts him and called her rude and horrible (unnecessary, in front of the DC I agree)

2. what does an office meeting have to do with a family dinner?

In answer to your question, you were both in the wrong, there was no right response from either of you so no you are not right to be angry but your dc are right to be upset

And despite the fact that you went to have a go at him, he assaulted you by pushing you over.

You're forgetting the pertinent point here, that he was pushing her out of the bathroom door.

It's not like he strolled out onto the landing and deliberately pushed her over...

Sounds like this has been festering for a while with your dh and maybe the wine has triggered it.
I very much doubt this has come out of the blue.

The subsequent actions sounds awful - what the fuck did the kids think??? Poor things.

Joxer- I would consider an office meeting to be a useful analogy.
Of course, in the privacy of your own home you can relax in a way you can’t at the office. But not so relaxed that it’s ok to humiliate your wife in front of the children.

I’ve told my husband he is rude for doing this and I have said this in front of my dad and my kids. He apologises and we move on. It is rude and it’s not wrong to say that.

Also, considering your histrionics, did he really push you with such force you fell or did you melodramatically “fling’ yourself to the floor?

Wow just wow. Words fail me.

Op, I believe you and I think you are getting a hard time here.

We have no idea if the op interrupts or not. Her dh may have just been spoiling for a fight for all we know

If you interrupt op, your dh should have brought this up at another time, not at the dinner table in front of the children, and certainly not with enough venom to cause you to cry. I can't believe people are criticising you for this! The content of what he said doesn't really matter, if you are spoken to in a horrible manner out of the blue, and criticised in front of your dc, it can be really upsetting. It's totally out of order.

No you shouldn't have followed him in to the shower but physical violence is never acceptable.

Not a useful analogy at all. Two entirely different environments with different expectations of etiquette.

But not so relaxed that it’s ok to humiliate your wife in front of the children.

Or talk over your partner as if they aren’t there, already speaking, in front of the children.

@JoxerGoesToStuttgart - you seem very keen to misunderstand but I'll give you the benefit:

Whether you are in an office or at a family dinner or up the Eifel tower, if someone interrupts by accident (or even by design) you don't get to throw a strop like that. He chose his behaviour, no one forced him to it.

Okay chaps .... turn it around and it is still crappy, unacceptable behaviour ....

There are sooooo many better ways for this to be handled but it wasn’t ...

Apologise for your bad actions and if this is repeat behaviour or feels like groundhog day get some help....

I would absolutely call someone out if they spoke over me in a meeting.

I’d expect them to apologise and we’d move on.

That’s perfectly acceptable.

What would be unacceptable is if they manipulatively burst into tears to deflect from their behaviour and garner sympathy.

Still think OP is very much over exaggerating the ‘pushing’ incident in order to gain traction in exactly the same way.

Which is despicable.

I think your husband's behaviour at the table was terrible. It is annoying to have someone interrupt you but there was no need for him to call you horrible and rude at the table, and certainly not when the children were present. I would have been upset too. All he had to do was point out he hadn't finished talking, with you apologising. It sounds like, as you describe it, he may have been looking for a fight and you lost your temper.

You shouldn't have followed him, but you already know this. Does this kind of thing happen a lot? How is your husband with you usually? How were your children afterwards, have they witnessed this kind of thing before? Because they will remember this for a long time.

I agree this is better placed on the Relationships thread than AIBU.

two entirely different environments with different expectations of etiquette - not at all. If you can manage to control your temper in front of colleagues you can also control yourself in front of the children. Its called being an adult.

If you interrupt op, your dh should have brought this up at another time, not at the dinner table in front of the children

I disagree. They way he went about it was wrong but it was fine for the children to see that interrupting people is rude and they are allowed to call other on it when it happens to them.

How are the children since it happened? Did they stay at the table or witness you shouting at their dad and him pushing you?

OP. Don’t keep asking about individual scenarios on Mumsnet. This sounds like a very unhappy situation. Take some decisive action to improve your life and your childrens’ lives.

Were your children just left at the dinner table? You should have apologized for interrupting him and then excused yourself if you were about to cry. If he then left the kids at the table to go upstairs, then he certainly should n't have done that! I think that, rather than ignore each other you should do what you can to get over this. It might be useful for your kids to see/hear you both apologize/discuss the issue amicably. It would help reassure themwhilst also showing them that, yes people can fall out over silly things, but it can be resolved. Do it for the sake of the kids rather than for him.

The husband called her out very harshly for interrupting in a way that was bound to spoil the atmosphere of the meal for the family. So I feel he had little care for the dc and clearly he has never brought this up with OP before despite saying she often does it or she wouldn't have been so shocked.
So I think he was at fault there even if she did interrupt him.
Op was wrong to not try hard to stop crying and go back to tell the dc not to worry. That is what she should have been concerned with not make things worse by bursting into the bathroom shouting. As for him pushing her I agree maybe it's understandable to push her but unless it was a fairly gentle push that went wrong I would say that is unacceptable.
They both need to think of the dc and sort themselves out. Whether it's better to get some counselling and an anger management course or just split up depends on how they behave normally.

If you can manage to control your temper in front of colleagues you can also control yourself in front of the children

This is something OP and her husband both need to take on board from the sounds of things.

YA(Both)BVU. Your poor children, what did they think of this? The thing is -in my opinion- once physical violence is introduced into a relationship it will be normalised and escalate. It really doesn't sound great. Is it a usual occurrence? The whole nights events I mean.

I think there's something particularly horrible about being insulted in front of your children by your partner. It's belittling and humiliating in my opinion. It would be fine if he'd said, "you interrupted me. It's rude to do that" but he called YOU horrible (not just your behaviour). I'd have been upset to.

It's impossible to say who was being the most unreasonable without knowing history/personalities. If DH has a history of walking away from arguments (which can be done in a controlling way) then that changes things. If you have a history of crying when challenged then that changes things - if you see what I mean.

I would see bursting in on someone in the shower as equally aggressive a move to pushing someone out of a bathroom. It's all rubbish. I'd sit down calmly if possible, starting a conversation with an apology for my part in it and saying that we need to discuss what happened because that can't happen again in front of the children like that. I'd be really upset by what's happened but I don't think I'd be angry. Which part makes you the most angry about what happened?

Do you shout a lot OP?
Where were the children?
Is this a one off or a habit?

I get the impression this might turn into a drip-feed. I certainly don't think this is the whole story.

If this is typical of him - suddenly saying something vitriolic in front of the kids at a family meal with zero build-up - then he's a total wanker. But if this was 100% out of character then it sounds like there's definitely something else going on here. I also think bursting into tears in response to one snipey remark is a bit extreme.

It is never acceptable to push someone over in an argument. It is also never acceptable to burst in on someone who is in the bathroom to shout at them.

It's pretty shitty of both of you to have this whole drama play out while the kids were there.

Oh dear. Just seen OP's posting history, years of posts about her DH doing this sort of thing. OP needs to talk to someone in RL for support and advice. @Davespecifico is right - this is going nowhere, other than round in circles.

I’d say you’re both being unreasonable. He shouldn’t have pushed you but you should’ve apologised. How are the children in all this?