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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

horrible arguement last night -i am right to be angy ?

188 replies

Bravenewworld1 · 06/08/2019 21:20

last night me and DH had an argument . we were all sitting at the dinner table- me , dh and our 2 children aged 12 and 10. I had made a meal, he had gone out got a bottle of wine - not something we usually do- the wine I mean so I was really looking forward to it.
it all started really well. anyway we were talking about a film we had both seen and explaining what it was about to our daughter. I looked over and he gave me a disgusted look. I asked him if he was ok and he said ' you deliberately interrupted me like I'm invisible you always do this you are horrible and rude'. I was shocked I really didn't think that happened at all .. I thought he had stopped speaking but he must have just paused and I said something during the pause. so yes I may have inadvertently interrupted him but in no way did I deliberately do this. he has said it with real venom and I was really upset. we hadn't even started drinking so I cant blame it on that. I just starting crying . I couldn't eat I was too upset. dh got up and went upstairs. then I got really angry- I felt that the way he spoke to me was really out of order. anyway I did something bad. I followed him upstairs . he had gone into the bathroom to have a shower. now I know this is wrong of me as I wasn't respecting his privacy or right to be alone but I burst into the bathroom and started shouting that I did nothing deliberately and that he was out of order . anyway he shouted go away and pushed me out of the bathroom with such force that I fell to the floor. we have not spoken since.

OP posts:

TrendyNorthLondonTeen · 07/08/2019 01:31

What is it that you thought you were going to get out of this thread OP?

Homemadearmy · 07/08/2019 01:55

Your poor kids, it must have been absolutely awful for them. I just can't stop picturing sitting at the dinner table, while you are upstairs shouting.
Op I think you need to see a doctor, it's not normal to go from crying and being to upset to eat, to barging into a room and shouting moments later. It's a really extreme moodswing.

CrumpetyTea · 07/08/2019 02:50

My DP talks over me the whole time- it is totally disrespectful - I have called him out on it - he apologises but nothing changes- I have times when I would give him a look/comment like your DH did - and it would seem an overreaction if it was just looked at for that interruption but its not when you consider the build up.
You totally overreacted - he said something that might be construed a s nasty and you effectively chased after him shouting and crying. He shouldn't have pushed you.
How normal is this for you? how often do things escalate like this?

WishingILivedOnAnIsland · 07/08/2019 03:45

'Maybe he shouldn’t have pushed you but you goaded him.'

I can't believe I'm reading comments like this in 2019. Nothing excuses domestic violence. Nothing nothing nothing.

Making excuses 'we'll, look what you made him do' and all that bullshit is what allows men to feel entitled to physically assault women. Good for you for perpetuating violence against your own sex.

TeddybearBaby · 07/08/2019 04:01

@WishingILivedOnAnIsland if my husband burst in on me in the bathroom when I was naked and vulnerable and should feel totally safe screaming and shouting, I would 100% push him and get him out. And probably leave him actually. Don’t be sexist, if it was the other way round you’d be horrified.

TeddybearBaby · 07/08/2019 04:02

WishingILivedOnAnIsland · 07/08/2019 04:40

@TeddybearBaby No one should be pushing someone so hard they fall to the floor, regardless of gender.

They both behaved appallingly in the lead up to this. However - Only one of them committed an assault against their spouse.

If he is physically strong enough to push her over, then he is physically strong enough to move past her and remove himself from the bathroom. He had a lot of options that didn't involve perpetuating physical violence against his wife.

Mary1935 · 07/08/2019 05:54

Braveneworld - others has read your other threads. You appear to be an abusive relationship. He will pick a fight at the first chance if that’s the case. You can carry on posting for years and that’s fine, however what’s not fine is the impact this is having on your children.
You really really need to DO something to protect yourself and your kids.
It will escalate and the more you put up with the more he will abuse you.
Call women’s aid.

Soontobe60 · 07/08/2019 06:01

@Linseedlill
No you shouldn't have followed him in to the shower but physical violence is never acceptable.

I think this is the one instance when it is acceptable! If I were in my bathroom, naked in the shower, and my DH was shouting at me I too would push him out of the room. What the OP did here was completely unacceptable, invading his private space in a very threatening way. What if the roles were reversed and he had barged in on her whilst she was showering, shouting at her? What would you advocate then? Ask him politely? No, you'd say give him a bloody good shove out of the door.

However, neither party has covered themselves in glory and both should apologise to each other. The children must be bloody miserable living with you two!

Mslogic · 07/08/2019 06:05

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Teacher22 · 07/08/2019 06:13

I imagine the OP’s husband was shocked when she burst into the shower when he was vulnerable and naked and did not think how hard he was pushing. It sounds defensive rather than deliberate.

jackio2205 · 07/08/2019 06:16

Hun, there are a lot of negative comments on here, but give yourself a break and ignore. Yes the kids blah blah blah blah, lets have some perspective here, you had a little row, it happens, doesnt happen all the time, not knocking seven bells out of eachother, christ nobody is the Waltons family, they live in the real world, are going to see some rows and see real emotions, I'm sure theyve seen worse on tv and in school!
Yeah DH was a bit of a dick, yeah you shouldnt have intruded but he should apologise for pushing and flying off the handle. My first instint was underlying tensions/stress/issues, that blow up was out of proportion from how you've explained it.

Hope everything seems better this morning! X

Bluntness100 · 07/08/2019 06:23

you are obviously a charming and lovely person with plenty of sympathy for others

I know this wasn't aimed at me, but cmon, you can't write that about someone else, whilst telling everyone how you talk over your husband, burst into thr bathroom when he was showering, started screaming at him as your children listened, and are not giving him the silent treatment.

I mean cmon. Pot kettle black?

Shoxfordian · 07/08/2019 06:26

I haven't read all your other posts but if this is reflective of your relationship then you need to seriously consider if you should stay

Fuckface7 · 07/08/2019 06:46

From your posting history, you're in an abusive relationship. Please do all you can to get yourself and your kids out of this situation. It's very unhealthy for all concerned. Your DH is a controlling arse.

Howyiz · 07/08/2019 06:53

So you were all sat at the table.
Your DH made a negative comment.
You sat there and refused to eat your dinner and cried.
Your husband left the table and went upstairs to have a shower.
You followed him into the bathroom and started shouting at him.
He shoved you out of the bathroom and you fell.
Christ, even without knowing the back story I feel really bad for your kids. You, it would seem, are a complete drama lama who gets aggressive when people don't feed into your 'poor me' narrative and your husband needs to learn to control his temper.
Even the fact that you came down abs spoke to your children etc. Feels like you are just trying to garner sympathy from them rather than have any real concern over their well being.

ThatCurlyGirl · 07/08/2019 06:56

Years and years of this shit OP - I remember your previous posts - it's way past right and wrong.

It's obvious from this and other threads that you are incredibly unhappy together, you don't even like each other!

You're showing your kids that this is what a normal relationship is like and it really isn't.

You both need to step up and accept it's not a healthy relationship to be in. Why would you (and him) want to be with someone who doesn't like you?

ThatCurlyGirl · 07/08/2019 06:58

Also dramas like last night happen because there is simmering resentment and unresolved feelings on both sides.

Because you're close to tears and he's close to snapping so it doesn't take much to tip either of you over the edge into argument mode.

Please don't put your children through any more years of all this shit - I've been them in this situation and watching your parents actively dislike each other is fucking horrible.

flashdancer19 · 07/08/2019 07:06

My DH used to talk over me all the tine, one time he did it in front of my brother, who instantly said "wow, did you mean to do that". He was really embarrassed and stopped immediately, thank god!

Anyway, you're clearly not happy and trying to point score off each other. You need to separate for the sake of the children.

EarringsandLipstick · 07/08/2019 07:10

@ReanimatedSGB

The H is irritable and unsympathetic, but OP is a shocking whiner with a permanent victim complex

This is a horrible, horrible thing to write. You can give your opinion on what OP has posted, you can do so without being vicious, and you cannot possibly make a judgement like this on her, on the information presented here (even previous posts).

swingofthings · 07/08/2019 07:15

If he pushed you out it's because you were refusing to leave of your own accord. I can't believe that he got out, all wait, and just pushed you. He must have asked you to leave quite a few times, you again ignored him, and then when he had no other resort than to push you out, you make it you're the victim.

No one is perfect, we all have ways that upset other people, it's no big deal, but you need to reflect on your behaviour. Cutting people talking is incredibly upsetting, and if it is a habit you have, you need to work on trying to stop it.

Have a talk with your OH, apologise and tell him you'll work on stopping to interrupt people talking. Tell your kids that you had an argument, it happens, it's not nice, but sometimes it's the opportunity to let all the frustration out so you can focus on what has led to it and improve your behaviour and who you are as a person.

EarringsandLipstick · 07/08/2019 07:16

ThatCurlyGirl gives very sound advice OP.

I'm sorry you are in this situation. I don't think anyone can truly assess the state of your relationship on this one post, but PPs have mentioned other posts where you've spoken of your difficult relationship.

You need to address it. For you. For the kids.

For what it's worth, I don't think there's anything wrong with becoming upset & crying, having been spoken to like that.

Of course, barging into the bathroom wasn't a good course of action. Him pushing you is utterly unacceptable. Based on what you've said, I think relatively small incidents now escalate very very quickly and this is a very destructive situation for you all, especially your children.

You have got some awful responses here tho - I'm sorry.

AIBU or not, some posts have been vicious; just awful.

Fuckface7 · 07/08/2019 07:22

What @EarringsandLipstick said. For fuck's sake, describing someone who's been on the receiving end of her H's disgusting behaviour for this long as a "shocking whiner" is appalling even if you don't agree with the OP's own behaviour, which has never merited abuse.

rwalker · 07/08/2019 07:33

Sorry but you sound abusive . He left the situation and you went into the bathroom whilst he was showering to carry it on sound like you were goading him .
Whilst difficult because pushing was involved you can see why it escalated to this . There is a difference between being pushed because he wanted you to leave him alone and you wouldn't to someone just standing there and giving you a punch .

tigger001 · 07/08/2019 07:40

You were both wrong, but ultimately it's your children that should be angry at having to live in this environment if it's not a one off.
You both need to address your behaviour and apologise to your children, you should be ashamed of yourselves.

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