AIBU to be furious DH is paying for wedding?

[4dogs]

I had another thread on here about DSD’s wedding plans. She got engaged 3 yrs ago and booked quite a fancy wedding. With 6 weeks to go it transpired she still has £3,200 left to pay (original bill was £4,200). We gave them £1k earlier this year (which was my money not DH’s). DSD and fiancee have child. DSD works a few part time cleaning jobs, fiancee does not work, he did have a job but stopped turning up for reasons unknown.

DH and I agreed not to pay as we don’t really have the money but now it transpires he is taking a loan and paying.

In the meantime fiancee puts posts on FB about don’t let a job wear you out, it’s not worth it and DSD posts pictures of them out for a pub meal.

I honestly think my brain is going to explode. DH just says his daughter was sobbing over not being able to pay and I would do the same for mine (I bloody wouldn’t).

I am on the verge of kicking him out over this. Do I just need to calm down and get over it?

[Sparklfairy]

The deal breaker here for me is the fact it’s all so superficial.

He’s spending money he doesn’t have, on a daughter he doesn’t really see, marrying a man he doesn’t like, despite the fact you’ve agreed not to.

This with bells on

[romeoonthebalcony]

I'll repeat what I said on the other thread. Your DH sounds like a selfish enabler. He's doing this to feel good about himself and has not got the guts to help his DD out of an abusive relationship by being disliked for a while. It sounds like they'll be crying to Daddy for money for years to come and if you don't want to live with that, then you will have to sadly move on.

[4dogs]

hadthesnip2, I would not object to helping his children out with things they need, but this is essentially an expensive party that DSD wants. She has known for ages she can’t afford it. She must have known when she booked it.

Passthecherrycoke all they’d lose would be the £1k that’s been paid.

I have been carrying us financially while he builds a business up, that’s one thing, but him then getting into debt over this is quite another. So as others have said it feels like I will be funding this wedding because loan repayments mean less household income. I don’t even know if he can get a loan but if he comes to me for the money at the last minute because he can’t my answer is going to be no.

I would not do this for my children because I’d be horrified, disappointed and angry that they had deliberately put themselves in such an unrealistic position!

[WhenPushComesToShove]

Have you actually made it clear to DH that in appeasing feckless DSD he is forever changing your relationship together and not for the better. This impacts your future too and marrieds make these choices together. He is between a rock and a hard place and has chosen DSD's wedding happiness over your future financial security together. I'd be very pissed off in your situation. Great news re eyes though.

[burnoutbabe]

strange hotel that will let you book a £4000 wedding and let you cancel with a month to go and only forfeit £1000? By that stage you are normally very locked into making final payments.

[BlueSkiesLies]

Get your grand back.
Kick him out.

Life father like daughter!

[Playmytune]

Raging, he doesn’t deserve you op! You’re doing without, to pay most of the bills, so he can plough money back into his new business. This was to help towards a better future for you both!! However he has decided to put himself into debt to bail out these two wastrels.

First, as pps said, get him to add the £1000 you gave them on to the loan he is taking out.
Second, state you will only pay half of the bills. If he can afford to give all this money to his daughter, he can afford to pay his fair share!

Also, you say you will have to be fair to his other dd and give them the same amount? What about your ds, who had a wedding he could afford, he only got £1000, Surely he deserves another £3200 as well.

[Alsohuman]

Surely the hotel will want all the money at this late stage? I can’t see them writing off everything but they deposit.

[bobsyourauntie]

The fact that is he is bailing her out is the very reason why she has done this! She needs to be taught a sharp lesson which is you can only have what you can afford in life and if you want money to buy stuff you need to get off your arse and work for it.....

Your DH is a fool, she won't love him any more, she will just expect more and more.

[AmIRightOrAMeringue]

YANBU to be furious.

Firstly because it's just stupid to pay for this - it's not something she needs, its something she wants, and had no intention of paying for herself. And she doesnt even want it that much or her fiance would have not voluntarily given up work (which I think is what you said on your last thread)

But mainly because you had agreed. He has gone against what you jointly agreed, and taken a major financial decision behind your back, which may have long term consequences for both of you. Whatever the rights and wrongs of the wedding, it's not acceptable to do this in a partnership.

And like you say what's it going to mean for the other children and step children?

No advice other to say most people would be furious

[PeoniesarePink]

Oh OP I read your other thread and thought he'd agreed to let her deal with it.

She knew all along that he'd do this........... and he's fool enough to.

But you don't have to live with it - he's making life decisions that will affect you with no apparent concern for your feelings.

[Zucker]

This was always going to happen if you're being truthful with yourself. I'd go so far as to say the dsd always had this in mind so there was no reason for her or the useless article she's marrying to seriously think about the money side she of things.

Think about what it is you really want OP. Do you have any respect left for him?

[misskatamari]

I'm so sorry OP. I read your last thread and really hoped your dh had seen sense. Especially as you kindly offered to actually help them fund a smaller registry office ceremony. Your dh is being very foolish and I would be livid. Yes your finances are separate but that means nothing when you're going to end up paying more for day to day living costs (which you're already doing!), while he repays the loan.

I'm afraid I would be rethinking the relationship if he chooses to go ahead with this. I'm so sorry

[TaliZorahVasNormandy]

OP get it sorted now, otherwise you are gonna be support a leach of a husband because keeps bailing out his leach of a daughter.

I'm sure many people would love a big fancy wedding, but they dont have one because they cant afford it.

Your DSD needs to enter the real world.

[Villageidiots]

OP my DH has just had a cataract op on the NHS and it was v straightforward, v quick revovery time so hopefully you won't be worrying about that as well.

[Bookworm4]

Maybe his DD should be sobbing to her waster of a partner to get a bloody job instead of scrounging off her dad!

[Yappy12]

Call me old fashioned, 59 year-old man, but isn't it long-standing tradition for bride's parents to pay for English weddings with the couple helping out a bit such as bride may pay for her own dress, groom for cars etc? Our only child, daughter 22, tragically died suddenly last year so we won't have any such decision to make sadly.

[SummerInTheVillage]

He has no respect or love for you.

Get rid of him.

[Yappy12]

Another thing. What's he doing drinking and driving? She shouldn't be marrying him unless he stops that. Hope she and the boy aren't in the car whilst he was doing it. How can he afford to drink so much if he's not working.

[CupoTeap]

Op I knew this would e you when I saw the thread.

Great news about your op.

Is the ex still going to be contributing?

[Bookworm4]

@Yappy12
The previous post revealed the DSD and fiancé don’t work and booked the wedding and only now are asking for ££ because they haven’t bothered getting a job to pay for it.
I’m very sorry about your daughter

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726]

Protect your own finances OP, your husband is weak-willed and would rely on you to prop up his daughter by dint of him being your husband. Your health comes first.

If you're not going to leave him then just make it clear that he's on his own with this one and that your money is off limits.

You might feel old and worn out but you'll feel so much better when you have your operation. Great news about the opticians, I really hope you get your surgery soon.

[SandyY2K]

It sounds like he's leaching off you as it is and is something of a liability.

I'm suprised he secured a loan without regular employment and a little wage tbh.

[Bluntness100]

Op, on these threads, you always get the punitive fuck them over crowd coming out. Do some searches, you will see them there, the usual suspects wanting people to Fuck their kids over, good and properly.

The bottom line is it's very difficult when it's your child. And when it's your child's wedding. And when your child is desperate. To not help them. To say fuck uou, I told you so. Swivel kiddo.

Most decent parents will step up, even though they don't want to. Or they disagree, because it's their child, and it's their child's wedding.

So I suspect yiu are with a good man. And would prefer to be with him, that the posters on here who would tell their own child to go fuck themselves,

I'd think about that for awhile.

[AutumnCrow]

Oh OP, this is very rubbish for you.

The whole loan arrangement and hotel booking sounds quite dodgy confusing, too. Is there actually any paperwork?

Good news about your proposed surgery