AIBU to be furious DH is paying for wedding?

[4dogs]

I had another thread on here about DSD’s wedding plans. She got engaged 3 yrs ago and booked quite a fancy wedding. With 6 weeks to go it transpired she still has £3,200 left to pay (original bill was £4,200). We gave them £1k earlier this year (which was my money not DH’s). DSD and fiancee have child. DSD works a few part time cleaning jobs, fiancee does not work, he did have a job but stopped turning up for reasons unknown.

DH and I agreed not to pay as we don’t really have the money but now it transpires he is taking a loan and paying.

In the meantime fiancee puts posts on FB about don’t let a job wear you out, it’s not worth it and DSD posts pictures of them out for a pub meal.

I honestly think my brain is going to explode. DH just says his daughter was sobbing over not being able to pay and I would do the same for mine (I bloody wouldn’t).

I am on the verge of kicking him out over this. Do I just need to calm down and get over it?

[Actionhasmagic]

I literally gasped when I read this!! You deserve better than this and it should be joint decision. You’ve already been generous

[Passthecherrycoke]

I totally agree with bluntness.

But I do disagree that “posters on here who would tell their own child to go fuck themselves”
I don’t believe even the posters on here would. It’s just very easy to suggest that other people do that to their children

[JingsMahBucket]

@Bluntness100 if you haven’t read the OP’s previous thread I suggest you do. I agree that a lot of posters are quick to pull up the drawbridge on their families but this was definitely a case of full blown dysfunction. There were no dissenters IIRC on her previous thread and it just kept getting worse.

[Passthecherrycoke]

I’ve read most of the previous post (it did get pretty long) and there is no doubt it’s not an ideal situation but that doesn’t mean you don’t help your children.

Honestly who would want to see them go through the humiliation of cancelling a wedding? Weddings are usually family events and the whole family wants it to be successful, not just the couple

[jayritchie]

How old is your husband? I'd be pretty concerned about anyone without savings borrowing money for a wedding unless they had a reasonable income - which it seems he doesn't.

What sort of business is he running? Is it likely to make money or is it more of a lifestyle choice?

[Celticrose]

From what you have written it seems very unlikely that he will get a loan based on his income. I would be worried that he would try to put your name on a loan to boost his chances. Normal financial institutions maybe out of bounds so that leaves the ones who will lend but at astronomical rates and then there are the loan sharks which hopefully he will stay clear of. I would check your credit rating OP to make sure nothing untoward appears.

[LittleOwl153]

Make sure all your ID paperwork is secure. You dont want to risk your 'd'h using you as security for this loan as it would appear unlikely he'll get anything by himself.

I'd actually go further and give him the ultimatum of to loan/wedding or you and your marriage. If he wont change track then get rid of him before he takes the loan. I'd be tempted to 'gift' your ds your cataract money to loom after (after all he is owed it to make things equal) otherwise a divorce court could leave you with the loan as you have the means to pay it and take at least half your savings to support the waste of space.

[HotChocWithCream]

I would have absolutely no problem what so ever in seeing my children endure the "humiliation" of cancelling a wedding.

If they are adult enough to organise a wedding then they are adult enough to properly save for one!

[Fluffycloudland77]

Someone beat me to suggesting she didn’t fall far from the tree.

I’d lose respect for him too.

[QuickThinkOfAName]

Bluntness you really need the read the previous thread.

The op has given dsd £1000 of her own money. They are six weeks away from the wedding and they haven't paid any of the rest of it. What were their plans? How were they going to get the money? Oh they didn't have one. They were going to ask the bank of mum and dad.

It's not about telling kids to fuck themselves. It's about teaching them to budget and live within their means. To do not so is an even greater disservice. This enables their behaviour meaning it will not be the last time they come to the op for a bail out.

Worst still is dh originally agreed not to bail them out but has gone behind her back. What about the other kids? They need to be fair to everyone and provide over £4K for each of them. They can't afford that!

He is currently being subsidised by op quite substantially and yet is taking out a loan therefore providing even less for the family.

But mostly it's the respect thing.

I hope he's prepared to pay you back your money op.

[Celticrose]

Also want to say that it is great news about your operation. I was going to comment on your last thread that you being refused your cataract operation was very suspect. My mum is due her 2nd one shortly after refusing to go through with it in March but that is a whole other story She was seen on 20th Oct 18 and offered op on 6 March 19

[ohtheholidays]

I can remember your other thread 4Dogs I'm sorry you've been messed about so much over your operation and by your husband but I'm really glad your operation sounds like it's now being sorted.

Please listen to someone who had a DH who was bloody useless when it came to money and sticking to what he promised and kick him out before he takes out the loan otherwise you could be left with the loan attached to your property,that's what I had happen and I was in a council property,I kicked him out after all of the loans and unpaid bills that I knew nothing about and I've had to pay £15,000 back that was nothing to do with me and I knew nothing about the money he'd taken out or racked up and I proved it but because we were married and I was still in the property and they couldn't get the money of him they came after me.

I was also diagnosed with depression and I was put onto medication and within a month of him going I was better,it may not be the same for you but it amazes me how many women I know that have had the same,got rid of the shit man and they're depression has lifted and some of them were in a really dark place before hand.

Good luck 4DogsI hope you start putting yourself first because it doesn't sound like your husband ever will!

[MooseBeTimeForSummer]

Is everything covered under that fee - cake, flowers etc? I’d put good money on other wedding essentials not having been paid for. Do they have their outfits, shoes etc. Is she getting hair, makeup, nails etc? Transport to venue?

[regmover]

I read your previous thread and he's so out of order that I think you're going into LTB territory. But you've kind of considered that already haven't you?
Anyone who would bail out "children" who just decided to over-spend and assume that others would pay the difference is an idiot.
Agree with all those saying be careful he doesn't try to put you on the loan. Make that clear to him now. Good luck...

[Cheeserton]

Absolutely unacceptable. YANBU at all. Either talk rapid sense into him or kick him out.

[voddiekeepsmesane]

And this is one of the major things that is wrong with the younger generation today ...because they are enabled with their entitlement. ARRRGGGGHHHHH Disney dads and guilt fuelled mums are doing the next generations no favours by allowing this behaviour. Whatever happened to consequences. As a stepmum to a 25 yo and a mum to a 15 yo I am determined not to allow them to be entitled twats. I would be asking DH to find somewhere else to stay for a while and working through (or not) this obvious breech of trust

[TanMateix]

I’m sorry OP that he finally fell for it. It is a stupid decision and you are very right to be angry especially if you have been sponsoring him on this new business venture that doesn’t allow him to contribute to the bills equally.

I would stop sponsoring him as well and insists he contributes to the house as much as you do. If he can get himself into debt to support idiotic pursuits, this is NOT going to be the last of them. As his DD, he has to grow up and be responsible with his money and you are very right not to want to be pulled into their mess.

It is great however to hear that your operation will go ahead and hopefully free of charge. But keep your money well separated from these irresponsible idiots.

[vintanner]

Tell him/them to cancel the expensive wedding and arrange something they can afford, THEY can afford, not you.

Spoilt brat and slob comes to mind.

[SandyY2K]

I do agree with Bluntness to an extent ... seeing your child, your own flesh and blood in dire straits isn't easy.

I don't fault him for wanting to help... it's just that he's pretty much financially dependent on you as it is...that would be a concern for me in your situation... regardless of the wedding.

You just won't feel the emotional pull, because it's not your child. You can say you'd still not help, but until you're in that situation you really don't know

Many many women say cheating is a dealbreaker, until he cheats...then it isn't...and they stay.

Truth is, until you're faced with a situation, you don't quite know for sure.

[timeisnotaline]

I think I agree kick him out before he takes the loan. He doesn’t contribute to the household or hardly, so the only way he can pay a loan back is by money that should contribute to your joint life and doesn’t, because he has you to do that. Bonus extras for adult children should not be a higher priority than basic contributions to your own life - you’ll be paying for this loan.

[SapatSea]

Bluntness The DSD got £1k from each of her parents, so 2k, she wasn't told to "go swivel" she should have used it for a wedding that cost that much and not booked a much more expensive one especially when her partner was out of work (and is an abusive tw*t) and their relationship is dodgy.

[strawberry2017]

I can't help but think the DSD marriage will end before he's even finished paying the loan back.
He's not doing her any favours helping her, she will know now she can get what she wants.
So happy about the eye surgery! I saw your previous post and I'm over the moon for you! Z

[Passthecherrycoke]

@vintanner

“Tell him/them to cancel the expensive wedding and arrange something they can afford, THEY can afford, not you.

Spoilt brat and slob comes to mind.”


Do you seriously think that’s realistic in any way? They aren’t going to cancel because OP wants them to. It’s really nothing to do with her

[coconutpie]

I remember your previous thread and I'm really glad to read your update about your eye issues and the NHS. I hope you can get the operation soon.

Now onto your DH ... so he contributes nothing to the household yet he's after taking a loan out to fund his DD's wedding when you both agreed you wouldn't be funding it? Well in that case he can contribute 50/50 to the household along with paying for his loan. Otherwise it is you that is paying for this loan. If he can afford to take out a loan now, then he should have been contributing to the household well before this. How come all of a sudden he has the money to make loan repayments?

[S1naidSucks]

DH has started a new business and only takes a small wage for now.

STOP, how has he managed to secure a loan under these circumstances, 4dogs. I would have assumed that his income was too erratic and uncertain for a loan company to risk him! Are you sure he hasn’t taken out a loan in both your names? Have you seen the paperwork?