AIBU to be furious DH is paying for wedding?

[4dogs]

I had another thread on here about DSD’s wedding plans. She got engaged 3 yrs ago and booked quite a fancy wedding. With 6 weeks to go it transpired she still has £3,200 left to pay (original bill was £4,200). We gave them £1k earlier this year (which was my money not DH’s). DSD and fiancee have child. DSD works a few part time cleaning jobs, fiancee does not work, he did have a job but stopped turning up for reasons unknown.

DH and I agreed not to pay as we don’t really have the money but now it transpires he is taking a loan and paying.

In the meantime fiancee puts posts on FB about don’t let a job wear you out, it’s not worth it and DSD posts pictures of them out for a pub meal.

I honestly think my brain is going to explode. DH just says his daughter was sobbing over not being able to pay and I would do the same for mine (I bloody wouldn’t).

I am on the verge of kicking him out over this. Do I just need to calm down and get over it?

[strawberry2017]

How are things OP? X

[OkayGo]

Hope you’re ok op

[EL8888]

I remember your last thread. I would be raging if l was you, l completely see your perspective. Can't they pay for their own wedding. That's what I did 🙄. Good news about the opticians

[IAmTheMumWhoKnocks]

You're doing great OP. Hope you are feeling better and things are ok

[JingsMahBucket]

Oh dear, the wedding would be right about now @4dogs ? I hope you’re okay and out of this situation.

[PonderingPanda]

@4dogs - how are things?

[Nearlyshitmypantsthere]

Hi 4dogs 🙋‍♀️ , how have you been? Hope you're well . A bookkeeping course is a great idea 👌 It'll also keep your mind busy and give you a focus. Take care x

[Jux]

Thinking of you, 4dogs. I lurked on your old thread, and have just come across this one. You have come a looooong way!

I suspect your ex has been emotionally abusing you for a long time, and so wouldn't be too quick to take the whole responsibility for your isolation on yourself. I mean, it's possible that your two friends faded away because of your ex, as much as your MH.

The bookkeeping course sounds like a great idea. I love the way you describe it, the logic and neatness. I totally agree!

[Ohmygoodnessreally]

Hope you’re ok op x

[EileenAlanna]

It is fun OP. Got into it purely by accident, was walking past the building where they hold the sessions one day when they were outside on an occasional recruitment drive. I didn't get many at first but I live within walking distance (live-in church caretaker in the city centre) & can do just about any day & time they need so I became one of their favourite testers lol. I did one last Christmas over a 3 day period, about 20 -30 mins each day & got £60. That's way more than I normally have to live on for a week.
You get to know the other testers on a nodding & exchanging a few pleasant words basis so it's a bit of interaction, which suits me. I'm pretty much a loner & like it that way tbh.

[finished31]

Hope your ok op

[4dogs]

EileenAlanna that sounds like fun, I will look into it.

Feeling a bit flat the past few days but that’s ok, it will pass.

[EileenAlanna]

Are there any market research places near you? I started doing this a few years ago & it's been a life saver for me financially. I'm looking at dog biscuits next week for £15 (it'll probably take all of 20 minutes to complete the session) gave my "expert" opinion on delicious iced caramel coffee last week for £10 & have helped decide the fate of Thornton's/Cadbury's etc chocolates, sausages, perfumes & a host of other things from between £10 - £20 a time.
It's not regular money but I get the call often enough for it to make all the difference to me financially.

[TurtleCavalryIsSeriousShit]

The laughing face is to show you 'he is not angry anymore'. Now he will start being nice and try to reel you back in.

I'm late to this but I've followed from the beginning.

Like a pp said, you are a lot stronger than you realise. Honestly, don't let him reel you back in please? You are doing so well.

[Foslady]

So he has a go at you about things you said when in a manic phase and was sectioned.
You remind him you were in a manic phase, sectioned and not even classed as legally responsible as you were ill at the time and his response is 😂?
Wow - didn’t think he could get any lower! And if he came back what on earth other than maintaining your car could he bring positive to the relationship???!!!

[Motoko]

Gah, *uneXpected. Blooming typos!

[Motoko]

Regarding car issues, and other unespected things like your washing machine dying, try to put some money aside each month, so you have a bit of a safety net. Have 2 pots, one for car maintenance, one for household. Even if you can only manage £10 a month each, it will help. Another way to save that builds up quite quickly, but you won't really miss, is saving any £2 coins you get.

You can also make some money, or vouchers, by doing surveys. MoneySavingExpert.com has info about the best survey sites to use. In fact, check the site out anyway, because there's so much on there to help you save money, and the forums are good if you need any advice.

Ignore any texts ex sends, as pps say, it's designed to get a response from you.

You'll be fine, and in time, better than fine. Just hang in there.

[Hidingtonothing]

Those comments from your ex speak volumes OP, you sound like you're doing fine too. Of course there will be some fears and worries creeping in, change is always scary while it's happening but it's temporary. There will be a new 'normal' soon enough and things will stop feeling so alien and uncertain.

I have no idea what the smiley face text is about either but ignoring it is the right thing to do, he's looking for a response and it probably won't be the last time unfortunately

[Wonkybanana]

It’s a laughing face not a smiley one he texted. I’m trying to convince myself it’s not sinister. He might have meant it for someone else, or maybe he’s completed the online divorce application and is therefore happy.

It doesn't matter what he means. Make the right decisions for you and let him get on with it. IF he turns nasty, then you'll be even more certain that you've done the right thing, and you'll still cope. You have support from your ex as a good friend, and from what you've said about his reservations he'd be more than happy to step in if needed.

As for the car breaking down - well, you'll have extra money now that you're not supporting your leech of a 'D'H.

I'm sorry if I sound like Pollyanna () but honestly, you'll be OK. So far, for every negative there's been a corresponding positive. Long may it continue.

[4dogs]

It’s a laughing face not a smiley one he texted. I’m trying to convince myself it’s not sinister. He might have meant it for someone else, or maybe he’s completed the online divorce application and is therefore happy.

[4dogs]

Wow what a lot of lovely messages, it truly means so much to me.

I saw my adult DS’s dad yesterday. We split up about 20 years’ ago and altho things were tense initially over time we have become good friends and he has been an excellent dad to the boys.

As soon as he saw me he said I looked better than I have for ages, and that was before I told him about the split. He said he never thought DH and I would last and that my eldest DS has always had reservations about him and felt he could become violent! Also that DH put a lot of pressure on my younger DS to come home and help when I was ill even tho he was in his final semester at uni!

Weirdly I just got a smiley face text from DH, a bit unnerving but I will just ignore it.

I do feel better even tho it’s only a week since he left. I have some optimism for the future but am scared of expensive things like car problems (DH is mechanic) and every time I think of him my stomach lurches with a combo of dread and guilt.

I did put DH on the tenancy when we married so will have to sort that out at some point. I don’t think he will cause me trouble but it remains to be seen. I did bolt the doors last night, I don’t usually bother locking them tbh.

[IchiNiSan]

Do you think that he's actually angry with his daughter, but taking it out on you? Not that his motivations matter, but he sounds really immature emotionally. I suspect that he's nice when things suit him, but under pressure he's more similar to the rest of his family. He looked after you and your daughter because he wanted to. Yes it would have been difficult at times, but he wasn't doing anything that unusual. Maybe this is just how he behaves when things aren't going his way.

As an aside I have a good friend who has bipolar episodes, and I've known people who have been held under section, and the idea that anyone would use this in arguments is horrific. You need to spend time with better people, their odd ideas and attitudes aren't what you need. Strangers in the street are probably nicer to you. If you don't feel like contacting people from your past then just having a break from this family, or having a few mantras like "in your opinion" to challenge the rubbish they say might be useful.

I'm sure that once you start talking to your sons and others, you'll feel better. Oh and the lack of sex? Don't blame yourself, it could be more about his lack of respect for you and your eyes opening about what that family are like.

[Aderyn19]

While he's gone, please change the locks and notify HA that he has moved out (if he was on any of the paperwork). You don't want him just waltzing back in when he realises you are serious and that he is much worse off without you. Thank goodness you kept finances separate. If there are any joint accounts, get him off them asap before he can run up any debts.
I'm sorry it turned out like this

[QuickThinkOfAName]

Oh op. I was thinking about you earlier but only just had a chance to check in.

Agree with everyone. Your dh is being an arse. I strongly suspect he thought he could frighten you with the divorce word. Hence his personal (and massively below the belt) attack on you when it didn't work.

That course sounds perfect.

I know this might sound a bit odd. And you probably don't feel it right now. But I can sense you've already changed from since you first started posting. Positive. Looking to the future. And taking things into your own hands. I totally agree with everyone who says you're stronger than you realise.

Wishing you all the best

[AutumnCrow]

Yes, I understood it's the OP's HA tenancy and she married the husband and he moved in?