AIBU to be furious DH is paying for wedding?

[4dogs]

I had another thread on here about DSD’s wedding plans. She got engaged 3 yrs ago and booked quite a fancy wedding. With 6 weeks to go it transpired she still has £3,200 left to pay (original bill was £4,200). We gave them £1k earlier this year (which was my money not DH’s). DSD and fiancee have child. DSD works a few part time cleaning jobs, fiancee does not work, he did have a job but stopped turning up for reasons unknown.

DH and I agreed not to pay as we don’t really have the money but now it transpires he is taking a loan and paying.

In the meantime fiancee puts posts on FB about don’t let a job wear you out, it’s not worth it and DSD posts pictures of them out for a pub meal.

I honestly think my brain is going to explode. DH just says his daughter was sobbing over not being able to pay and I would do the same for mine (I bloody wouldn’t).

I am on the verge of kicking him out over this. Do I just need to calm down and get over it?

[NoSquirrels]

Oh, I'm sorry 4dogs. I was on your other thread.
Good news about your eye op, though.

As an immediate reaction, I think I'd ask him to please factor into the loan the £1,000 owed to you, so he should increase the loan to that amount and pay you back. Then I would tell him I was now splitting finances as this was not a joint financial decision and ensure he pays 50% of living costs - no joint accounts, no subbing him etc.

Then I would take a deep breath and see if I wanted to keep on in a relationship like this. His DC - especially his DD - will always have drama and probably financial bail-outs required.

[ThanosSavedMe]

I remember your other thread. I’m not surprised you’ve lost respect for him. Yes we all want to support our children and help them out but not when we can see that they’re not helping themselves. I wouldn’t blame you for walking away from the whole damn lot of them.

And good news about your operation. Good luck with it all

[Winderwoman]

Great news re the cataracts.
Very frustrating re the wedding, it’s so wrong that he bailing them out when they have made no effort to pay themselves.

[Thegracefuloctopus]

Oh op I'm sorry it turned out this way. I honestly wouldn't know what to do in this situation, but I would be fuming if dh took out a loan I didn't know about. Good news on the operation though!

[IwantedtobeEmmaPeel]

Oh, just saw your post about the cataract operation being approved. So glad for you Op, that is at least something positive to look forward to.

[TuffersTickler]

Agree with @NoSquirrels - if your H refuses to pay you back the amount owed to you (presumably your half of the £1000), that will be a big message loud and clear about how he values you.

[slipperywhensparticus]

Leave or if the house is yours kick him out

[AlexaAmbidextra]

It's his daughter an he is willing to pay for her wedding. Pluss you say your finances are separate. I don't see an issue with that.

He is having to get into debt to pay for the wedding of two wasters who refuse to support themselves. Debt which may well impact on OP. That’s the issue.

[AnchorDownDeepBreath]

He's going to be bailing them out forever. First with this loan, which they have no intention of repaying, and then for everything else that they feel entitled to in life, now that they know that Daddy will pay even if he can't afford it and they've done fuck all towards it themselves.

Have they asked him to fund the honeymoon yet?

I'd be furious. I can see why he wanted to help her, absolutely, but she did nothing for herself. That has to be the first bastion of helping someone - are they helping themselves? No.

This would severely impact on my respect for my husband if I was you. He is your partner, this should have been a decision together.

Can DH afford to pay the loan himself? Is he planning to do so?

[BBBear]

DH needs to pay back the 1k you have already given his daughter.

I can see why you’ve lost all respect for him - I think it would be a dealbreaker for me. What’s your housing situation?

[Howyiz]

As @smartiecake said. Tell him to take out a loan for the £4200 and he can repay you back your money. Since he can unilaterally decide he can afford a loan to pay for his dad's wedding there is no need for you to be out £1000.
Then tell him he needs to move out to give you some space.

[GoBackToPartyCity]

I bet you a tenner that there’ll be more sob stories before the big day and more bills that will need paying!

[Exhsuatedmuch]

For me trust is the most important thing. Being lied to or going against what has been agreed would be huge for me. Without trust what do you have really.
I remeber your last thread and hoped he wouldn't. I'm sorry he's made the wrong choice. No daughter has a right to expect daddy to pay due to some old fashioned custom and should have got off her arse and worked like I did for both my weddings. Her future husband sounds like a right pointless twat but that's her choice. When it effects you it's your choice.

Tell him he owes you a thousand and to tack it on his loan and then tell him it's the loan or you. X

[Weezol]

Excellent news on the op. It's worked out so well.

Tell him he'll need to add another £1k to that loan to pay you back & kick him out.

Yup. This would be a deal breaker for me. Otherwise your savings will disappear into his business, along with your self esteem and general wellbeing.

I suspect that once you are out of this relationship your mental health will improve rapidly.

[AnyOldPrion]

You say you were alone for much of your adult life. Have you been depressed before? Or might your depression be, at least in part, due to the fact that you are with someone who doesn’t really respect you?

You can manage alone. Is your current life with your husband so much better than your life before that you would want it, even though your husband is ignoring what’s important to you... so much so that he didn’t even discuss it?

[Boysnme]

OP I feel so sad for you reading your update on SDDs wedding. I hope your H knows what he is potentially throwing away with you. I’m not sure I could forgive that given he’s broken everything you agreed on.

Fantastic news about your Op though, just make sure you don’t give him the money you saved for it for the wedding.

[TuffersTickler]

Remember also that, by staying with your DH, you will be tied to these two wastrels for life (or your DSD at least). Could you cope with repeated demands for money from her, as you get older?

If not, run for the hills. When your DH asks why, explain calmly. The ball is in his caught when he sees how much is at stake.

[Mummyoflittledragon]

Unfortunately I think this was bound to happen. Your dh has brought up an irresponsible daughter. This isn’t going to be the last time, I’m sure. I was on your last thread, do they have children yet because you’re probably in for a bumpy ride once these arrive.

Good luck with the op. I hope you get a date soon.

[CherryPavlova]

Personally, I think some adult conversations should have taken place a good while back. Good news about the cataract surgery though.

It’s too late now but you should both have agreed what you could afford to pay and whether you wanted to. I’d have set an expectation of work and saving as a criteria for paying out.

Parents often want to help towards wedding costs - we are for our daughter- but it has to be at a level you can afford. You should have set a clear budget. Now it’s a bit late. Is it a marriage breaker? That has to be up to you,
I think I’d expect a child to be supported even if we didn’t really approve of the person they were marrying. It’s actually a very cheap wedding it that’s almost irrelevant - except you begrudge that money being spent. I wonder about relationships where there is talk of ‘my money’ and ‘his money’ as I think in marriage everything belongs to both of you and all children, including step children are part of the whole family not just ‘his’ or ‘my’ children.
I’d be upset about him not discussing a loan but then if it’s his money and your money, I’m not sure why you’d be bothered particularly about how he spends his.
I also think it’s a bit mean not going to the wedding because you don’t know anyone. If you’re too unwell, that’s different but I’d think a step parent would want to be there.

[4dogs]

I have housing association property so my housing situation is secure. I currently pay for more or less everything as DH has started a new business and only takes a small wage for now. I don’t mind not having a lot (am used to it) especially if we are working towards a more prosperous future. If they both worked but had a short fall helping them out would be different. DSD has said she’ll pay DH back but that will never happen and he knows it and has said as much. He has two other DDs, so now ‘we’ will have to cough up £4,200 for each of their weddings or it would be unfair. I can’t believe he’s been so spineless and is borrowing money to fund a big party for a pair of feckless idiots.

[Wonkybanana]

OP I'm glad your cataract operation is going to be paid for, but please don't then start to feel that maybe you should cough up the money you've saved to pay for the wedding. I remember your last thread very clearly, and when you started it you were asking whether you should hand the money over even though it was for something very serious. Keep it for yourself, you're going to need it.

Point out to your 'D'H that

• the £1,000 you (both) have given was actually your money
  
• the loan might be in his name, but repaying it will still affect you (which is why adding the £1k to the loan doesn't help you).
  
• he's gone behind your back to set up the loan. Some of us - and I suspect you - had a very strong feeling he'd get a loan anyway.
  

I don't think giving him an ultimatum - the money or you - because even if he chose you, he'd resent you. He's decided what he's going to do, disregarding you completely, so yes I think this is a deal breaker.

[Gingerkittykat]

I would push about her paying back the loan, and keep pushing every month, even asking her mother to help.

How much are the monthly repayments?

[Ellie56]

Great news about your operation OP. Not so good news about your stupid DH funding the wedding for the feckless daughter and waste of space fiance.

This will never end.I'd dump him.

[burnoutbabe]

see this is a tricky one.

If he does not loan them the money, for a wedding that is a month out, they will be sued for the money and made bankrupt?

If he gets the loan, the wedding goes ahead and he doesn't lose face in front of all the guests (who are his family too i assume) who would wonder why it was all cancelled when dad can afford the cost.

I'm not saying this is right but many parents would bail out their kids, to avoid them being sued/made bankrupt and also to avoid losing public face with relatives.

(I am assuming there is ZERO wiggle room to downgrade any part of the wedding and this money needed is 100% committed, else I'be asking at a minimum to downgrade stuff to the bare basics so it can go ahead and not be sued)

[wildcherries]

Tell him he'll need to add another £1k to that loan to pay you back & kick him out.

I agree with this. He clearly has no backbone. I read your last thread. I wouldn't be able to stay, as I'd have no respect for him. This will never end. They know he'll cave eventually, every time.