AIBU to be furious DH is paying for wedding?

[4dogs]

I had another thread on here about DSD’s wedding plans. She got engaged 3 yrs ago and booked quite a fancy wedding. With 6 weeks to go it transpired she still has £3,200 left to pay (original bill was £4,200). We gave them £1k earlier this year (which was my money not DH’s). DSD and fiancee have child. DSD works a few part time cleaning jobs, fiancee does not work, he did have a job but stopped turning up for reasons unknown.

DH and I agreed not to pay as we don’t really have the money but now it transpires he is taking a loan and paying.

In the meantime fiancee puts posts on FB about don’t let a job wear you out, it’s not worth it and DSD posts pictures of them out for a pub meal.

I honestly think my brain is going to explode. DH just says his daughter was sobbing over not being able to pay and I would do the same for mine (I bloody wouldn’t).

I am on the verge of kicking him out over this. Do I just need to calm down and get over it?

[Banjodancer]

That's not what a "fancy" wedding costs, that's quite moderate. And it's pretty normal for a father to pay for a daughter's wedding, if he can afford it.
But there is obviously an enormous back story here!

[Sorryisntgoodenough]

I read your other thread. Can not believe he is putting himself in debt for her to have a wedding!

[justthecat]

I read your last post, can’t believe he’s being stupid enough to pay for it

[EileenAlanna]

Tell him he'll need to add another £1k to that loan to pay you back & kick him out.

[OnlyFoolsnMothers]

The fact he raised such a scrounger Of a child is a red flag for me.
I’d be super pissed off

[SandyY2K]

I think you were the poster who saved money for an eye operation? I didn't agree that you should use your money.

As long as he pays the loan back using his own money, I'd let him get on with it.

I wouldn't be impressed with his DD though.

If him paying the loan impacts on me, then I would let him suffer the financial consequences I.e. no coming on holiday and expecting me to pay. I'll go with a friend or on my own.

[TuffersTickler]

@4dogs - you definitely need to say that to your 'D'H. If you can't say it face-to-face, write it down.

What happens when your feckless 'D'SD and family need more money, what will happen the next time and the time after that? Your DH can't keep taking out loans to fund their irresponsible behaviour.

[luckygreeneyes]

Amazing news re the op! Delighted for you.

[TitianaTitsling]

Do you rent/own house? Could you use the money saved for op to get new accomodation?

[InTheHeatofLisbon]

And it's pretty normal for a father to pay for a daughter's wedding, if he can afford it.

Taking out a loan indicates he can't.

Taking out a loan in order to appease a spoiled daughter who is prepared for her father to go into debt to give her her day is awful.

Doing so without even consulting your own wife is unforgivable.

OP I too remember your other thread, YANBU at all.

[Inertia]

Make sure that you and your property are not linked to the loan he's taken out. He's a fool.

[Alsohuman]

Unfortunately, I can imagine a lot of fathers doing exactly the same thing. Unless you want to kick your marriage into touch, all you can do is impress on him that you won’t pay a penny towards paying off the loan.

Congratulations on the cataract front, by the way, it’s life changing.

[4dogs]

Ozziewozzie, DSD’s fiancee can work, he just doesn’t. They are on benefits but I dunno how, he is not ill or actively looking for work so not sure how they qualify to claim.

When we got together and discussed things that mattered to us not getting into debt, treating all our children equally and being honest were key qualities for both of us. Or so I thought.

Our finances are separate, I have some savings, he doesn’t.

I have spent most of my adult life single and it never bothered me but I feel old and defeated and quite scared of being on my own. Pathetic of me I know.

[TuffersTickler]

Please sit down with your H and plan out how the money will impact him and your family. What are the interest payments? When will it be paid off?

Sometimes seeing these figures in black and white can bring the reality home.

[ThatCurlyGirl]

DH just says his daughter was sobbing over not being able to pay

I sobbed about the fact I would never bang Nick Carter when I was an immature kid with no sense of the real world. You don't always get what you want.

(Though obviously Nick if you're reading this #BSB4EVA)

I'm so angry on your behalf that he's let her manipulate him into a situation where he's enabling her to have what she wants with no effort on her part but more importantly, no awareness or care on her part when it comes to the ramifications for other people.

I remember reading about the operation you need and I really hope you get all that sorted. You sound lovely OP. She sounds like a bullying brat and he sounds like a coward. You're better off out of it all - time to move on!

[QuickThinkOfAName]

Oh op

I am so pleased to hear about your eyes though. That's brilliant news.

How did you find out about the loan? Did he tell you?

There are so many things wrong here. But yes I'd lose respect for him at this point. So sorry

[Dillydallyingthrough]

OP I read your last thread, so your DP that you made a joint decision with not contribute any further has gone behind your back and decided to take out a loan when he is not in a great financial position?

I would end it, he's making it clear that your opinion doesn't matter. Good luck, I'm sure you will better off without them! Really pleased to hear about the news on your surgery

[Ellmau]

Oh no! So sorry for you.

[ladyratterley]

4dogs, I remember your last thread. That’s brilliant news about your cataract operation!
I would be absolutely fuming with your DH if I was in your position.
Your DSD is essentially being rewarded for making extravagant plans was never going to be able to afford.
My parents are amazing and are giving us money towards our upcoming wedding, which we’re very grateful for. However, I know they can afford to. And they know we had budgeted for the wedding & could actually afford it, so them paying for part of it is a bonus and just takes the pressure off a bit financially.
I would never expect them to help us out if I’d made a financial commitment to something I blatantly couldn’t afford in the first place!

[IWentAwayIStayedAway]

Ah jeez. Remember your previous thread. Gut feeling is that this is a deal breaker

[IwantedtobeEmmaPeel]

I read your other thread and I'm with you on this Op. I know you would not have done the same for your DC because I remember you saying your DC made sure they had weddings they could afford and that you gave your DSD the same amount of money you had given your DC.

I am not sure I could get over this and as it seems your DH always gives in to her blackmail - will he always put her over you? Why the fuck should you fund two workshy, irresponsible adults - they must be laughing into their pub meals and rubbing their greedy little trotters over the mugs who fund their lifestyle.

As you say you are not sure if you are unhappy or depressed, would it be possible for your DH to move out for a while to give you some time on your own so you can try to work out what is making you unhappy? You can tell him you need a trial separation because you feel so betrayed by his actions. I am so sorry you are feeling so unhappy and going through this.

[4dogs]

Banjodancer I know it’s cheap compared with some weddings but it is at a flash hotel with about 50 guests. In 3 years of engagement they have bought some clothes for the wedding and paid £1k of the balance (and ‘we’ gave them £1k). 6 weeks before the event and her mother is calling DH in a panic to say he must pay as DSD is desperate and stressed etc. Ultimate irony is both parents detest fiancee as he is a lazy feckless idiot with 2 drink driving convictions!

[june2007]

It's his daughter an he is willing to pay for her wedding. Pluss you say your finances are separate. I don't see an issue with that.

[smartiecake]

Just make sure he includes enough in the loan to pay you back

[cottonwoolsnowmen]

That's great about the op. Twitter can be brilliant sometimes.

Some (or all) of the defeat you're feeling probably comes from shock and disappointment at him letting you down like this. It will ease up in time.