AIBU to be furious DH is paying for wedding?

[4dogs]

I had another thread on here about DSD’s wedding plans. She got engaged 3 yrs ago and booked quite a fancy wedding. With 6 weeks to go it transpired she still has £3,200 left to pay (original bill was £4,200). We gave them £1k earlier this year (which was my money not DH’s). DSD and fiancee have child. DSD works a few part time cleaning jobs, fiancee does not work, he did have a job but stopped turning up for reasons unknown.

DH and I agreed not to pay as we don’t really have the money but now it transpires he is taking a loan and paying.

In the meantime fiancee puts posts on FB about don’t let a job wear you out, it’s not worth it and DSD posts pictures of them out for a pub meal.

I honestly think my brain is going to explode. DH just says his daughter was sobbing over not being able to pay and I would do the same for mine (I bloody wouldn’t).

I am on the verge of kicking him out over this. Do I just need to calm down and get over it?

[hadthesnip2]

I haven't read your previous thread about this so I apologise if I'm not up to speed with all the nuances of this situation.

Going against the grain here but in your dh's shoes I think I'd be doing the same..... it telling them that it was a one off (as you hope the wedding would be) & I wouldnt be bailing them out ever again. Tbf its not a great deal of money (and I dont mean to be facetious) - you hear of weddings costing 10's of thousands so its not as though your dh is bailing them out with your life savings. (Appreciate you have health issues that you want to pay for).

Remember....when you took on your dh you took on his kids too......that means financing them when he feels the need to.

[4dogs]

CherryPavlova I hear what you’re saying. Maybe my feelings on the subject are a reflection of my feelings about our marriage. He rarely sees DSD, I think he is hoping to buy her love.

[Shahlalala]

I’m so glad to hear about your eye operation!

But livid for you about the wedding.... I’m disappointed in your DH and I don’t even know him! I would agree with those saying you should have your 1K back, if he can get 3k for them then he can at least pay you back.

I would seriously be considering leaving. By the time all three of his are married that’s over 12K of debt.

If you want to stick it out I would make a repayment plan and make it very clear to the DSD and her partner. Maybe even have a contract drawn up if you can do that?

Absolutely disgusted with the behaviour of DSD and her partner. The lack of work ethic is awful.

[Whosorrynow]

the wedding is just the start of it, the wedding is a vehicle via which she establishes her entitlement to a lifestyle which is beyond her means, this opens a permanent pipeline through which money flows from your husband to her

[slipperywhensparticus]

I cried chelsea won 5-0 daddy didn't fix it for me

[Passthecherrycoke]

I didn’t read all of your other thread but I think you need to separate how unhappy you are in your relationship from the wedding thing tbh. I’m not in the slightest bit surprised he’s bailed them out of their poor financial planning- a lot (most?) parents would do this, let’s face it. Its easy to be full of outrage at the thought of such poor planning on a website but the reality of this happening in your life is that cancelling a wedding is one of the more humiliating things that can happen to you, both to the couple and their family. And at this stage they would’ve lost so much it probably made as much financial sense to carry on. It’s also very cheap for a nice hotel wedding for 50, not that that’s really relevant.

[Passthecherrycoke]

Oh and no reason to think this means support for life. He’s clearly not been doing this sort of thing in the past has he?

[Skittlenommer]

Nobody should get married unless they can afford it themselves. I think the days of sponging off the bride’s parents are long gone. Pay for you own damn wedding!

[Bearbehind]

The deal breaker here for me is the fact it’s all so superficial.

He’s spending money he doesn’t have, on a daughter he doesn’t really see, marrying a man he doesn’t like, despite the fact you’ve agreed not to.

[diddl]

"Do I just need to calm down and get over it?"

Nope!

Make sure that you won't be liable for any of his debt & get rid!

[Feelingwalkedover]

I think you will be stronger without them dragging you down.
So two more loans when the next kids get married
He will be paying of over ten grand of loan on 3 weddings
You will be supporting him .as he will be pleading poverty
Nah get rid op ASAP.

[DowntonCrabby]

Oh no 4dogs, I knew this would be you posting just from the title.

[Jokie]

@4dogs: I remember your other thread. What has he said to your response of: wtf are you doing taking out a loan?

[JingsMahBucket]

@4dogs I was on your last thread as well and had a sinking feeling back then that your husband would do this.

Even though he may not mean to be, he’s entirely mooching off you in regards to housing, finances, etc. He’s so caught up in this cycle of dysfunction with his family that he can’t get out of his own way and find happiness with you. I’d say it’s time to show him the door and return to your much nicer and quieter life alone. You still have your two lovely sons you raised who are doing well and not mooching off you.

Things will never get better with your husband’s family and it’s better to literally cut your losses now. Definitely ask him to repay you the £1000 but like his own daughter who’s crap with money, don’t expect him to repay it. Kick him out and move on. Try to do the Freedom Programme as well and seek counseling about self-esteem issues.

That said, I’m extremely happy to hear about your possible NHS-funded cataracts operation! I’m so glad that’s turning around for you. (Don’t let his crap family try to weasel your £2500 savings from you either!)

[RebootYourEngine]

I hoped this wasn't you OP. Can not believe he is going ahead with this. When will it end. How much debt will be get himself into before he says enough is enough. This would be a deal breaker for me.

Excellent news on the operation though. Maybe use some of the money you had saved to treat yourself to a weekend away after you have recovered.

[SunniDay]

"I currently pay for more or less everything as DH has started a new business and only takes a small wage for now."

I think your husband needs to get a job - he can't afford to not be earning properly. You were already paying for almost everything and now he has taken a loan. How has he managed to get a loan under these self employed, low earning circumstances - is it very high interest?

As you have just mentioned he now has 8k plus to save if he wants to be fair to his other children and pay towards their weddings. He should also be pulling his weight with the bills otherwise it is actually you paying for the wedding as he should be paying his half of the bills! If working for himself me and he can't contribute to the household then it is a self indulgence that he can't afford.

[Timeandtune]

I had my cataracts done in my early 50s. It was a huge success both times and it was only in retrospect that I realised how my poor vision had adversely affected my confidence and my ability to socialise and travel independently.
I hope when you have your surgery you get a similar confidence boost.

[JingsMahBucket]

For all those weighing in and favouring the DH and his useless daughter, please read the back story: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3642900-AIBU-to-think-we-shouldn-t-bail-out-DSD-re-wedding

The OP owes none of them a single ounce of empathy. They wanted her to use her money earmarked for her cataract operation to pay for the step daughter’s wedding! The step daughter and her fiancé can’t even be bothered to work proper jobs to pay for their own event.

[RedCowboyBoots]

Oh, YANBU. I'm annoyed on your behalf. Taking out a loan is absolutely something that ought to be agreed upon jointly in a long term relationship.

I'd be rethinking things if I were you, OP.

[TuffersTickler]

Kick him out OP - let his precious DD look after him. You need to protect yourself.

This is not what a good/healthy relationship looks like.

Have your operation, and then get the wheels in motion for next steps.

[EileenAlanna]

I remember your previous thread too, OP & I'm totally gobsmacked at what he's done.
He's contributing about 10% above bggr all financially & zero in any other areas of your lives now. With a big loan to pay off how exactly does he expect to survive? Oh yeah, good old muggins - you can see where his D got her attitude from.
He can go move in with the "newly weds" until he's able to save up enough to rent somewhere himself.

[MotherofTerriers]

Him not pulling his weight with the bills at home so that he can build a business which will support both of you eventually is one thing - expecting you to subsidise him so that he can pay for a wedding or three is altogether different. To commit to this without your agreement is awful. I'd kick him out to be honest, you can't have any respect for him - or trust him

[Sugarformyhoney]

Jog him on, he has zero respect for you.

[NoSquirrels]

I currently pay for more or less everything as DH has started a new business and only takes a small wage for now. I don’t mind not having a lot (am used to it) especially if we are working towards a more prosperous future.

Stop doing that. Seriously.

He wants to make a decision to take out a loan that you disagree with, then he has to contribute 50-50 to living costs too.

Otherwise you are effectively paying for the loan itself. If he can afford these repayments ON TOP OF his share of the living costs then fair enough. But it doesn't sound that way.

He wants to make his own financial decisions, fine. Then he has to pay 50% of the cost of living and not rely on you to subsidise him.

He is treating you almost as badly as the mooching fiancee...

[WhereYouLeftIt]

Good to hear you will be having your cataract treated. You deserve some good to come your way.

"I have housing association property so my housing situation is secure. I currently pay for more or less everything as DH has started a new business and only takes a small wage for now. "
Might I just suggest here that the apple has not fallen far from the tree? Maybe his daughter learned to live off the efforts of others at daddy's knee. Also, how would he be able to repay the loan if he can't even pay his living costs? Who would lend to him, while we're on that? At what interest rate?

I noted these thoughts in your posts:
"I am on the verge of kicking him out over this."
"This is not who I thought he was."
"I really have lost respect for DH over this wedding fiasco."
In my opinion, once respect is lost, I don't think love can survive. I have to agree with what many have already posted here. He needs to repay the £1,000 to you, and yes, you need to ask him to leave. Sorry.

"He rarely sees DSD, I think he is hoping to buy her love."
Then he's a fool. Love cannot be bought. Indeed, since she is happy to manipulate him I feel she does not respect him wither. And I've already mentioned I believe respect is necessary for love. If anything, his paying will ensure she won't respect him and won't love him.

Protect yourself from this man. He truly is not who you thought he was.