AIBU to be furious DH is paying for wedding?

[4dogs]

I had another thread on here about DSD’s wedding plans. She got engaged 3 yrs ago and booked quite a fancy wedding. With 6 weeks to go it transpired she still has £3,200 left to pay (original bill was £4,200). We gave them £1k earlier this year (which was my money not DH’s). DSD and fiancee have child. DSD works a few part time cleaning jobs, fiancee does not work, he did have a job but stopped turning up for reasons unknown.

DH and I agreed not to pay as we don’t really have the money but now it transpires he is taking a loan and paying.

In the meantime fiancee puts posts on FB about don’t let a job wear you out, it’s not worth it and DSD posts pictures of them out for a pub meal.

I honestly think my brain is going to explode. DH just says his daughter was sobbing over not being able to pay and I would do the same for mine (I bloody wouldn’t).

I am on the verge of kicking him out over this. Do I just need to calm down and get over it?

[QueenDaisy]

I don’t believe he’ll start divorce proceedings, I think he sent that text in the hope you’d change your mind, when you didn’t he brought up your mental health problems, not very nice of him. Financially, he’ll be worse off without you & he knows it, kicking him out & sticking to your guns shows him that you know you’ll be better off without him. Good luck with your book keeping course, I hope it all works out for you

[HeyMonkey]

I think he's calling your bluff with the divorce message. He's had a tantrum and is waiting for you to beg him to come back.

[ISayWhatNow]

I agree Monkey

[AcrossthePond55]

For someone to throw in another person's face what they said or did during a MH crisis is simply the lowest of the low. It's ugly and it's cruel.

What Eileen says is true. At this point you cannot trust any of them so you're best off blocking them. As far as him, you'd be better off telling him that any further communication is to be in writing. Either text or email. Firstly because you want a paper trail, but more importantly because you'll be able to think through his possible meaning in what he writes, and then compose a response that is without emotion. Respond to nothing of a personal or emotional nature. Deal only with the practicalities.

And please, do see a solicitor. It may be to your advantage to be the one who files for divorce. At the very least (and I'm repeating myself, I know) you will learn what to expect.

You also may want to consider putting bolts on the inside of the doors. I'm not saying he's a 'danger', but you also don't want him just walking in the door to collect his belongings. There are legalities around actually changing locks, that's another thing to ask the solicitor about. At this point, you deserve privacy and security.

The bookkeeping course sounds brilliant. My mum was a bookkeeper and although she was primarily a SAHM, she never had trouble picking up the odd job here and there for extra money. When we were finally all in school she went to work as the bookkeeper for our church.

[Tonnerre]

Then he started on about how unpleasant I was the night I was sectioned

I'd be tempted to reply "But nowhere near as unpleasant as you've been over the last few weeks, and the difference is that you are being unpleasant deliberately."

[CloudPop]

A book keeping course is an excellent idea. Onwards and upwards !

[Wonkybanana]

OP you have a good idea of what you want to do next, and you've shown, by saving up the £2,500 pounds, that when you want something you're determined to get it. You have nothing to fear for the future, you'll be fine, even if it feels very wobbly just now.

You haven't responded the way he expected you to to his threat of divorce. Any day now he's going to realise that he's giving up his cash cow (no offense ) and he's on his own. I wouldn't be at all surprised if his next move is to try to come crawling back with apologies and promises that he'll be different. Please don't fall for it. He's made his choice, and it's his daughter not you. When her marriage falls apart, as it inevitably will do and sooner rather than later, I hope he and his DD are very happy together. Because that will be the only choice for both of them.

[caballerino]

That's a great idea about the book keeping course, and the idea to help with PTA for experience. The fact it's something you have a genuine interest in will help power you too (rather than opening a course brochure and picking something random).

[Hidingtonothing]

I'm new to your thread and have just read the whole thing. I think you'd be surprised at my perception of you from your posts, you're a million times stronger than you realise and worth so much more than the life this man was offering you. And the fact that you're already thinking about how to make a better life for yourself is pretty bloody amazing all things considered. I know you won't be feeling it right now but it's as clear as day to me (and I doubt I'm alone) that you're going to be fine, better than fine in fact.

The prospect of being alone is scary but I've got a feeling the reality won't be for you. I actually think you need to be alone just now, it means every ounce of your energy can be spent on yourself, on building yourself back up and finding your happiness again. I really believe you will too

[Hidingtonothing]

Oh and I'm West Mids if that's any closer for a friendly cuppa

[Summerunderway]

North East here!!

[AutumnCrow]

I think you have an underlying strength like pp said ^^ that I admire, OP.

[LadyMcLokington]

Hi OP, I’m really glad you messaged on here, and I’m thankful for all the amazing people who have replied with support. Please don’t ever feel alone, there are an army of people here who have your back! You have been through so much, and the person you should be able to rely on has kicked you in the teeth; it’s not right, it’s not fair, but sadly it happened. Onwards and upwards. You got this 💖

[Throckmorton]

Big hugs OP - you've been through absolute hell and you're coping amazingly with it all! One step at a time and be kind to yourself. Also, you sound like a nice person to me!

[WinterSunglasses]

I agree that he was hoping to put the wind up you with his divorce message, and the comment about your mental health crisis also seems designed to get you apologising for being any trouble, and willing to take him back. He will get properly worried when he realises that you have worked out
it's more trouble and stress being with him than not being with him.
The book keeping idea sounds good, and likely to be something you can work at flexibly.

[Weezol]

Changing the locks isn't an issue - it's a rented property in OP's name only. She legally can (and probably should) change the locks.

[AutumnCrow]

Yes, I understood it's the OP's HA tenancy and she married the husband and he moved in?

[QuickThinkOfAName]

Oh op. I was thinking about you earlier but only just had a chance to check in.

Agree with everyone. Your dh is being an arse. I strongly suspect he thought he could frighten you with the divorce word. Hence his personal (and massively below the belt) attack on you when it didn't work.

That course sounds perfect.

I know this might sound a bit odd. And you probably don't feel it right now. But I can sense you've already changed from since you first started posting. Positive. Looking to the future. And taking things into your own hands. I totally agree with everyone who says you're stronger than you realise.

Wishing you all the best

[Aderyn19]

While he's gone, please change the locks and notify HA that he has moved out (if he was on any of the paperwork). You don't want him just waltzing back in when he realises you are serious and that he is much worse off without you. Thank goodness you kept finances separate. If there are any joint accounts, get him off them asap before he can run up any debts.
I'm sorry it turned out like this

[IchiNiSan]

Do you think that he's actually angry with his daughter, but taking it out on you? Not that his motivations matter, but he sounds really immature emotionally. I suspect that he's nice when things suit him, but under pressure he's more similar to the rest of his family. He looked after you and your daughter because he wanted to. Yes it would have been difficult at times, but he wasn't doing anything that unusual. Maybe this is just how he behaves when things aren't going his way.

As an aside I have a good friend who has bipolar episodes, and I've known people who have been held under section, and the idea that anyone would use this in arguments is horrific. You need to spend time with better people, their odd ideas and attitudes aren't what you need. Strangers in the street are probably nicer to you. If you don't feel like contacting people from your past then just having a break from this family, or having a few mantras like "in your opinion" to challenge the rubbish they say might be useful.

I'm sure that once you start talking to your sons and others, you'll feel better. Oh and the lack of sex? Don't blame yourself, it could be more about his lack of respect for you and your eyes opening about what that family are like.

[4dogs]

Wow what a lot of lovely messages, it truly means so much to me.

I saw my adult DS’s dad yesterday. We split up about 20 years’ ago and altho things were tense initially over time we have become good friends and he has been an excellent dad to the boys.

As soon as he saw me he said I looked better than I have for ages, and that was before I told him about the split. He said he never thought DH and I would last and that my eldest DS has always had reservations about him and felt he could become violent! Also that DH put a lot of pressure on my younger DS to come home and help when I was ill even tho he was in his final semester at uni!

Weirdly I just got a smiley face text from DH, a bit unnerving but I will just ignore it.

I do feel better even tho it’s only a week since he left. I have some optimism for the future but am scared of expensive things like car problems (DH is mechanic) and every time I think of him my stomach lurches with a combo of dread and guilt.

I did put DH on the tenancy when we married so will have to sort that out at some point. I don’t think he will cause me trouble but it remains to be seen. I did bolt the doors last night, I don’t usually bother locking them tbh.

[4dogs]

It’s a laughing face not a smiley one he texted. I’m trying to convince myself it’s not sinister. He might have meant it for someone else, or maybe he’s completed the online divorce application and is therefore happy.

[Wonkybanana]

It’s a laughing face not a smiley one he texted. I’m trying to convince myself it’s not sinister. He might have meant it for someone else, or maybe he’s completed the online divorce application and is therefore happy.

It doesn't matter what he means. Make the right decisions for you and let him get on with it. IF he turns nasty, then you'll be even more certain that you've done the right thing, and you'll still cope. You have support from your ex as a good friend, and from what you've said about his reservations he'd be more than happy to step in if needed.

As for the car breaking down - well, you'll have extra money now that you're not supporting your leech of a 'D'H.

I'm sorry if I sound like Pollyanna () but honestly, you'll be OK. So far, for every negative there's been a corresponding positive. Long may it continue.

[Hidingtonothing]

Those comments from your ex speak volumes OP, you sound like you're doing fine too. Of course there will be some fears and worries creeping in, change is always scary while it's happening but it's temporary. There will be a new 'normal' soon enough and things will stop feeling so alien and uncertain.

I have no idea what the smiley face text is about either but ignoring it is the right thing to do, he's looking for a response and it probably won't be the last time unfortunately

[Motoko]

Regarding car issues, and other unespected things like your washing machine dying, try to put some money aside each month, so you have a bit of a safety net. Have 2 pots, one for car maintenance, one for household. Even if you can only manage £10 a month each, it will help. Another way to save that builds up quite quickly, but you won't really miss, is saving any £2 coins you get.

You can also make some money, or vouchers, by doing surveys. MoneySavingExpert.com has info about the best survey sites to use. In fact, check the site out anyway, because there's so much on there to help you save money, and the forums are good if you need any advice.

Ignore any texts ex sends, as pps say, it's designed to get a response from you.

You'll be fine, and in time, better than fine. Just hang in there.