AIBU to be furious DH is paying for wedding?

[4dogs]

I had another thread on here about DSD’s wedding plans. She got engaged 3 yrs ago and booked quite a fancy wedding. With 6 weeks to go it transpired she still has £3,200 left to pay (original bill was £4,200). We gave them £1k earlier this year (which was my money not DH’s). DSD and fiancee have child. DSD works a few part time cleaning jobs, fiancee does not work, he did have a job but stopped turning up for reasons unknown.

DH and I agreed not to pay as we don’t really have the money but now it transpires he is taking a loan and paying.

In the meantime fiancee puts posts on FB about don’t let a job wear you out, it’s not worth it and DSD posts pictures of them out for a pub meal.

I honestly think my brain is going to explode. DH just says his daughter was sobbing over not being able to pay and I would do the same for mine (I bloody wouldn’t).

I am on the verge of kicking him out over this. Do I just need to calm down and get over it?

@4dogs, i'm so sorry you're in such a desolate place:(
is there anyone in RL you can talk to?

I'm sorry to hear this but I think he's shown you his true colours here.

I’ve followed both your threads, and while it must be very tough right now I think him leaving is for the best.

Please contact your sons this evening, tell them that you and DH have been having trouble for a while and he has moved out. You don’t need to go into all the details if you don’t want to, but you do need some real life support.

Sorry op.

Agree with pp. can you speak to your sons. Let them know what has happened. Get as much support as you can around you. We will always be here too.

Stay strong. You can do this.

What struck me was that he's distraught over the loss of his steadying influence and cash. Sorry

This is ridiculous! Even though it’s him who has take the loan out, you’ll end up subsidising the re payments, therefore subsidising the wedding. So yes, you’re paying for it too.

I’m angry on your behalf op.

I'm sorry, OP, but I think in the long run you will be so much happier and better off without the selfish arse.

I'm so sorry

I won't pretend to know how you feel, but you've talked a lot about fearing the future, so if you can try to box that off for now and just focus on doing what you need to do to take care of yourself right now. Just take it ten minutes at a time.

Have you managed to do anything kind for yourself today?

Morning @4dogs hope you’re doing okay ❤️

They sound like a shower of idiots - get rid quick. I’d be fuming if partner was taking out a loan for something when you had agreed not to.

I'm so sorry it's ended like this ;(

I’m sorry you are feeling so sad. It will get better though; the dramas with this family have not been helping you. You need a break. How is your daughter coping through all this? Can you go away on a little holiday?

The sadness will pass eventually, take one day at a time.

It sounds like you've had a lucky escape. Now make sure you tor everything down financially as things can get nasty.

I’m sorry to hear you’re suffering just now, the pain WILL pass.
I know you may not feel like it but sometimes when you are ready it does you good to get out and about. Remember the things you liked and do then, walk in the park, swimming, listening to music and dancing round the room - whatever makes you happy. Exercise like walking gets the blood flowing and is good for you. Sitting alone at home isn’t.
Your sons are adults, they will be fine. You have plenty of online friends on here, reach out when you need to talk. You will be ok.

Thanks everyone, the support on here really does help. I am meeting an old friend for lunch tomorrow. Haven’t spoken to my sons yet but will do soon. DD doesn’t know anything about what’s been going on or that he’s moved out, she’s used to him working away for a few days or longer, I will have to tell her at some point but can’t face it just now.
I’m trying to summon the energy to do some housework but I feel like I have lead for bones! Walked the dogs earlier which is always nice.

It'll come right with time lass. Just be kind to yourself.

Sending hugs OP, it sounds like you've really been through a lot. Mental health issues are not a choice, therefore nobody has the right to make you feel bad for having needed support, nor make it all about them. I hope you're ok, if you're anywhere near Cheshire you're welcome at my door for a brew xx

I'm so sorry he took such a cowardly way out instead of being an adult about it. But in the end I think he's saved you a future of heartache and financial worry.

I know it's going to be hard, but I think at this point you need to seek legal advice to see exactly where you stand financially wrt the house, assets, etc. It's always wise to know your legal position when a marriage breaks up. Painful, but wise.

Time to decide where you want to be this time next year, visualise and keep this end goal in mind, then plan backwards. For example, in a year's time different home and single?

Decide the goal, list the steps, sign up help in RL from family and friends.

Otherwise you doom yourself to more years of this crap!

Tinkerbell1980 that’s so kind it’s made me cry. Sadly I am nowhere near you.

DH has texted to say he will start divorce, I am fine with that, just want it over with. There are no assets, I have HA property. Then he started on about how unpleasant I was the night I was sectioned, I reminded him I was in the middle of a psychotic manic episode, legally insane and not capable of being responsible for my words at that time. God knows I’ve apologised a lot since then for what went on.

I have been thinking for a while about doing a book keeping course, can study online and be qualified in less than a year. There have been quite a few p/t jobs local to me recently that I could then apply for, not the best paid but not the worst either. Whether or not I’d ever get a job is a different matter tho, I’m old and haven’t worked for years, but it’s the only plan I’ve got for now.

That's the start of your goals...in a year's time be part way through a book keeping course.

If you need practical experience you can ask the local PTAs in schools if they need some support with the treasury role. I have seen three friends get work through doing the same thing. You can have a very different life!

Chocmallows that’s a good idea. I could be fully qualified this time next year, AAT qualification takes about 9 months according to their website. I was doing book keeping for DH business and it got me interested in learning how to do it properly, I like the logic and neatness of it if that makes sense.

He's being a complete dick. The whole point of sectioning, is because the person isn't in control of their actions, and they need to be kept safe, and get treatment. He can't blame you for that. You're well out of this marriage.

The book keeping course sounds really good. If you find it hard to get a job once qualified, you could start your own business offering the service. I'm sure there must be small businesses that only need someone to do their books once a year or something. (I admit, I know nothing about book keeping!)

Try not to go into any details if/when he texts again. He's probably looking for "evidence" he can use against you as grounds for divorce. You having a psychotic episode doesn't qualify when he continued in the marriage for a substantial period of time afterwards, i.e. he accepted it. At least I think that's still the case when trying to claim something is unreasonable behaviour.
Be prepared for him & the rest of his loser family verbally descending on you like a pack of Harpies. Ignore them, no matter how hurt you feel, you've nothing to justify to them so don't even try. They'll probably be united in turning on you for a while as the cause of all woes in their world but they've too many skeletons hidden in each of their own cupboards for that to work out well for them.
You're already looking to the future with some very positive goals which is major. Well done & best of luck