AIBU to be furious DH is paying for wedding?

[4dogs]

I had another thread on here about DSD’s wedding plans. She got engaged 3 yrs ago and booked quite a fancy wedding. With 6 weeks to go it transpired she still has £3,200 left to pay (original bill was £4,200). We gave them £1k earlier this year (which was my money not DH’s). DSD and fiancee have child. DSD works a few part time cleaning jobs, fiancee does not work, he did have a job but stopped turning up for reasons unknown.

DH and I agreed not to pay as we don’t really have the money but now it transpires he is taking a loan and paying.

In the meantime fiancee puts posts on FB about don’t let a job wear you out, it’s not worth it and DSD posts pictures of them out for a pub meal.

I honestly think my brain is going to explode. DH just says his daughter was sobbing over not being able to pay and I would do the same for mine (I bloody wouldn’t).

I am on the verge of kicking him out over this. Do I just need to calm down and get over it?

Thanks everyone, your advice and support means a lot. DH was quite good to me and my DD last year when I was very ill and hospitalised, so my sons think he is brilliant. He hasn’t been so great with the aftermath tho. I have changed. I’ve gone from being bubbly and sexy and fun to being depressed, badly dressed and utterly disinterested in sex. I acknowledge I’m not the same person and apologise for it but don’t really know what to do other than plod on through and hope things change. I’m also 2 years into the menopause, dunno if that’s killed my libido. But if I say I’m not happy about anything he always brings up about when I was ill, it feels like he has a lot of resentment towards me about it. It was a horrific time for everyone, basically I went manic and got sectioned. And have been in a depression since about last May. I’m better than I was, couldn’t even leave the house to walk the dogs at one point, but I’m not the person I used to be.

Just wanted to add a quick supportive post op - I remember your other thread. I’ve read the beginning and end of this one, but not RTFT yet.

Sending you and empathy

I've become ill and depressed. And our lives have changed, tiny things are better but most are staggeringly different.
But my husband is with me.
Ask for a separation so you can get your head round it.

Then it's even more imperative that you get away from him, he's detrimental to your mental health.

You really need to speak to your sons. Don't let them carry on under the misapprehension that he's great. And I bet when you tell them of the money situation, they'll fight your corner. They'll hate the thought that he's freeloading off you, and trying to get your savings, that were for your op.

Honestly, you'd be better off on your own. How can you expect to heal your mind completely when you're living with someone who emotionally manipulates you?

You say you have no friends. Why is that do you think? Has he isolated you away from them? Have you isolated yourself because you don't want them to know how unhappy you are? If either of those is true, please call one of them and reestablish contact. If they're true friends, they're waiting for your call.

And realize that many manipulative people treat their victims very well when those victims are ill. It builds up the manipulator's ego and also creates in the victim a sense of being 'beholden' to them.

Your sons are adults and deserve to know the truth about him as he is now. Just be honest with them. Let them compare the 'then' him to the 'now' him and decide for themselves. But I know very well how I'd feel about someone who felt their child's wedding was more important than their spouse's eyesight!!!

Ex told DH that her fiancee mustn’t know because he’d be cross.
Much like you then.

Is it worth getting it all out in the open and stopping the secrecy? If you are leaving him anyway? Not in a nasty way but in a, all this secrecy is madness, way?
Don't know whether that would make it better or worse.

And yes is your depression linked to your relationship in any way? Think about it.

katewhinesalot it is tempting to tell ex’s fiancee but if I’m honest I would be doing it out of bitchiness so best not to I think. If I’m not going to be linked to this family anymore I’d rather stay right out of it all. I don’t know about depression/relationship link. It is quite normal to have deep depression after mania or so the shrink tells me. But the way our relationship has been definitely hasn’t helped.

Why haven’t I got any friends? I don’t think I’m a very nice person! I used to have two good friends but they have kept their distance since I was in hospital. To be fair I was very weird and a pita before and after sectioning, was still pretty manic when they let me out but as I was no longer judged a risk they couldn’t keep me in against my wishes.

AcrossthePond55 I’d forgotten about the manipulator as star carer scenario.

64sNewName thank you!

At the moment I mostly feel sad and scared of the future. I think it probably is for the best to end it. But I miss the man I married. I miss being happy and feeling like part of a team and having shared hopes and goals for the future.

I reckon backing away before the shit hits the fan is a plan. The sibling will imo find out about the cash and all hell will break loose.

Your sons may well be aware of problems but have so far kept quiet out of respect for you and your marriage.
Your mental health will improve with H not in your life (been there done that).

Also if you lay it out for your family that you're not happy for the following reasons xyz. You're really grateful for his help during your illness but now things have changed so you're taking some time apart to see if it makes you both happier.

Op if you’ve decided to divorce him then please get your ducks in a row and hide your money or spend it on something for you so that it doesn’t become an asset of the marriage that he gets half of. Even if you have to carry on saying that you’re saving it for your eye operation in the interim - don’t mention that you might be getting help sooner (thank goodness!) until you absolutely have to - you’ve worked hard to save while he has frittered money so no way should he be able to get his hands on it.

And use the time fruitfully to line everything else up too - there used to be some helpful articles and posts on mumsnet about what to do to help yourself with this - the more you can get lined up in advance the better. Even if it’s just copies of his bank account statements, pay slips and so on, getting them and putting them somewhere hidden/safe is a great start.

But you will be happy again.

I know it's hard to see at the moment lass, but your time will come again.

Yeah, I had an ex like this. Pulled it out the bag when I needed him. But then I had to pay for that. Funny because when I pulled it out the bag for him beforehand (and this lasted a looonng time) I didn't make him pay. I thought that is what partners did. Then came a situation where I wasn't there for him years later and he accused me of getting revenge. But it wasn't. I just wasn't interested.

Oh I'm so sorry op. Sounds like you've been through hell.

I don't know much about getting your ducks in a row. I hope there are other posters who can help more. Or maybe post in relationships for advice on that?

Sadly the idea of being there for you when ill but then you being forever in his debt sounds very familiar.

Hi OP,
I'm glad you are finding support posting here but please bear in mind that we really don't have the full picture - only what you have told us.

It is very hard for anyone reading to tell whether your husband is a manipulative sponger as some have accused him or a person who is working hard to set up their own business for a better future for you together (as you suggested at one point) who has his heart in the right place but yes is being too soft (spineless?) to tell his daughter he can't afford to bale her out. Only you know which is the truth. Or if you don't then people trying to support you over the internet certainly don't.

His behaviour this week sounds poor but he is under a lot of pressure. As are you. It is his daughters wedding that is putting him under this pressure. Do you think things would be ok otherwise? If you think things would be ok without the wedding then it might be worth fighting for your marriage (and by that I don't mean paying for the wedding or giving him your blessing to pay for it).

You have described the mental health crisis you have been through. You have suffered and are still recovering. This crisis has changed you. Your mental health crises will also have been very tough on your partner and may have changed him too. That is not to suggest that you should stay together - just to acknowledge that reality. You both need to heal and to decide whether you heal together or apart.

Could you try to reconnect with the people that used to be good friends? Perhaps by emailing or letter explaining that you were in a bad place but you are now recovering and miss their friendship and would love to reconnect. They may miss your friendship too. If it's a no you are no worse off than you are now.

(You are definitely not "not a nice person" you are suffering a lot of angst and were tempted to pay for a wedding that everyone else involved hasn't made the effort to pay for. You try to treat your children and step children kindly and fairly. That is a kind and caring person with a lot if love to give.)

SunniDay thanks for your post. I think my illness has changed both of us. I used to think DH was trying to build a future for us and was more than happy to support him doing that but doubts have crept in. I just don’t know what to think anymore. Neither of us are happy, he is mostly unhappy about lack of sex but I have less than zero sex drive these days, I think a combination of depression, medication and menopause has killed it off for the time being at least. The wedding situation has brought things to a head and highlighted financial concerns I have but things weren’t right before then. My biggest issue really is lack of communication. He tells me to talk to him if I’m feeling depressed etc rather than being silent about it but then gets upset and takes it personally, turns it into a conversation about do I want him to leave etc if I do talk about anything. So it’s easier to just shut up.

I tried to reconnect with friends last year, they say hello if we meet in passing but that’s all so I think it’s fruitless pursuing things there. I’ve never been great at making friends tbh even as a young child.

I miss the man I married and I expect DH misses the woman he married because I am a ghost of my former self. It’s very hard living with long term MH issues, I know it has had a big effect on him and I feel desperately guilty about it. If I could be my former self I would be but I feel like that person is dead.

I haven’t heard from him since yesterday. I just feel sad for both of us.

You know, people change. They change for a million different reasons. And sometimes those changes mean that relationships have to be re-evaluated in the light of those changes. What was 'right' for you yesterday may not be 'right' for you today. And you have the right to live your life, as you are now, as you see fit.

It may also be that he's always been this way and that who you were before was able to deal with and live with the negative aspects of his personality. If you simply can't do that anymore, that's fine too.

You do you. And you do what's right for you.

Your H is a selfish arse who happily allowed you to support him while scrimping and saving for a vital operation while he secretly handed over cash to others.

You could have had the operation ages ago and not have handed over your money already for the wedding.

He sat by while he let you do this.

How could you ever forgive him?

4dogs , I'm just sending you some love , hugs , n flowers ❤️🤗💐.I hope you're ok xx

I think you’re better off away from him

DH came and got his clothes and left. Has made no attempt to to talk to me about any of the issues I have tried to raise with him so I guess it’s over.
I feel sad, flat and empty.

I'm so so sorry to hear this @4dogs.

Don't know what to say to you ☹️ I think it shows you how he feels though if he made no attempt to work things out !! Be strong , you'll get through this. Big hugs ❤️ xx

hugs if you want them 🌺