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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be furious DH is paying for wedding?

416 replies

4dogs · 04/08/2019 17:21

I had another thread on here about DSD’s wedding plans. She got engaged 3 yrs ago and booked quite a fancy wedding. With 6 weeks to go it transpired she still has £3,200 left to pay (original bill was £4,200). We gave them £1k earlier this year (which was my money not DH’s). DSD and fiancee have child. DSD works a few part time cleaning jobs, fiancee does not work, he did have a job but stopped turning up for reasons unknown.

DH and I agreed not to pay as we don’t really have the money but now it transpires he is taking a loan and paying.

In the meantime fiancee puts posts on FB about don’t let a job wear you out, it’s not worth it and DSD posts pictures of them out for a pub meal.

I honestly think my brain is going to explode. DH just says his daughter was sobbing over not being able to pay and I would do the same for mine (I bloody wouldn’t).

I am on the verge of kicking him out over this. Do I just need to calm down and get over it?

OP posts:
Puzzledandpissedoff · 06/08/2019 22:24

they all seemed quite ‘normal’ when we got married. About a month later the dramas started

It really was a very quick turnaround, wasn't it? A cynic might even think they were trying to do nothing to rock the boat before their new funding source was firmly in place Hmm

SunniDay · 07/08/2019 09:31

Hi OP,
I have been following your story and reading back over the last few pages. What is most striking to me:

Bride and groom - no money can't/ won't pay for their wedding.

Brides mum: says she will pay towards 1k/half loan etc but in reality has no money and very little income is making the cake she said she would buy etc. Not a chance

Brides mum's husband: got money but more sense. Not even allowed to mention it to him as he thinks they are a pair of wasters. Not a chance

Your husband. Has good intentions but no money. Will try to get a loan/allow you to pay his living costs to help or take your money to do it.

You. Would probably leave your husband to it if he had the financial means to pay his way and bale out his daughter but as you already support his lifestyle (and have already coughed up a grand) are finding it very hard to swallow.

I'm sorry if I am just stating the obvious with the above but I thought it might help to take a step back and look at the big picture. I feel a little for the bride as from your description I think she works hard but is fighting a losing battle.

Groom to be: isn't wringing his hands and finding a job

Brides mum: isn't wringing her hands and going full time

Brides mum's husband: thinks they can all f. off

None of these people are changing their position or pulling out all the stops to sort it out. You and your husband are being put under pressure because you have shown a chink in your armour that you might come good. The possibility is that you might crack and so the screws are being turned. For everyone else involved (including the groom) the wedding would be cancelled before they will change.

SunniDay · 07/08/2019 09:34
  • correction to my post not "pair of wasters" as I think you said the bride works three job? Just the groom a waster
maddy68 · 07/08/2019 10:26

I think also it's traditional for the bride's father to pay so he also has that guilt too

OhLookHeKickedTheBall · 07/08/2019 13:24

Oh dear. I suspected this may happen. And was probably always what the SD wanted all along. Make sure you check you credit report to make sure he hasn't used your name on any loan. Protect yourself. thejudge has it spot on, he has watched you struggle health wise and scrimp and save to get an operation whilst contributing as little as possible to the household but as soon as his dd recklessly plans and fails to pay for a wedding, he's happy to get a loan. You deserve better than him. Glad you're getting sorted vi nhs though

AppleDump · 08/08/2019 08:45

What a gang of arses. When is the wedding?

Original poster
4dogs · 08/08/2019 09:28

Wedding is end of this month. DH came home with another bottle of booze last night, that’s 3 bottles in less than a week. I can’t do this anymore.

OP posts:
Weezol · 08/08/2019 09:54

It's time for him to leave. He's taking the piss, spending money on alcohol and letting you shoulder the living costs for him.

You're in the fortunate position of the property being in your name, so pack him a bag, send him to his DD and change the locks.

I did exactly that with XH some years ago and have never regretted it.

OhLookHeKickedTheBall · 08/08/2019 10:00

He's never going to be able to pay back the loan if he's too sozzled to work is he? Then who will it fall back on? You need to get him out to protect yourself

greenwaterbottle · 08/08/2019 10:05

Tbh he can't afford the booze.
Is he trying to guilt trip you?

greenwaterbottle · 08/08/2019 10:07

What about asking him to leave until after the wedding. Say the stress and his behaviour is upsetting you. You need a fresh start after the wedding.
And hopefully you'll see the light whilst he's gone, either you'll miss him and want him back, or it'll all feel better knowing you only sort your own cock ups out.

QuickThinkOfAName · 08/08/2019 10:17

So sorry op Thanks

Is there anyone in real life giving you support?

I like the idea of him moving out for the wedding. To give you space. I think they might help give you some clarity. Also it sounds like you just need a break from it all. You sound exhausted Thanks

wildcherries · 08/08/2019 10:34

He's a complete pisstaker leaving you to deal with living costs while he buys several bottles of booze a week. Get him out. You don't have to do this anymore.

Original poster
4dogs · 08/08/2019 10:40

I don’t really have anyone in real life to talk to. I am pretty isolated to be honest and haven’t got any friends. Haven’t said anything to my adult sons, they think he is wonderful.
I texted him to say i feel like i’m running a crap free hotel for him and pointed out 3 x bottles of booze. Said I was too scared to actually try and talk to him. I’m not scared he’d hit me rather it will all get out of control emotionally. In the past if I have tried to talk about concerns he goes straight to ‘you don’t love me’ etc. I can’t be doing with it.
I am exhausted. I was woken up by loud drunk snoring at 2am and have been up ever since.
His response to my text was if i’m scared of him he won’t come home. I said ok.

OP posts:
chilling19 · 08/08/2019 10:51

Oh this is tough. Being in such an emotional vortex makes it hard to think clearly. Thinking of you.

Butterymuffin · 08/08/2019 11:35

I think that was the right reply OP, hard as it must have been. He can't keep doing these responses that are aimed at getting you to backtrack ('no, of course I love you, no of course you should come home') when he isn't acknowledging that you are a person too who needs support, loyalty and affection, just as his daughter does. It sounds very much that they resort to similar emotional tactics to guilt family members into supporting them.

I would consider talking to your sons. You're protecting their rosy view of him at the cost to yourself. Why do that when you need people supporting you? I bet they would want to be there for their mum in a time of trouble. Don't feel you have to carry it all yourself and keep it secret. As pp have said, that's not how the other people involved are seeing it.

Contraceptionismyfriend · 08/08/2019 11:45

What would happen if when he said 'you don't love me' you responded with no I don't

MrsMozartMkII · 08/08/2019 11:58

You need to exit, or have him exit. This is no way to be living your life.

GreenTulips · 08/08/2019 12:05

So OP. DH takes out a loan while you pay his living expenses. So you alone are paying for this wedding. A wedding where no one likes the groom or expects the wedding to last.
On top of paying out £5000, you aren’t going.

So you’ll sit at home while you pay for food and drinks for people you don’t know or don’t like to fill their bellies, for a marriage that won’t last.

Not a great option is it?

IwantedtobeEmmaPeel · 08/08/2019 12:27

Perhaps follow on with "and I think that should be permanent, I'm done. Please make other living arrangements and let me know when you want to collect your things".

QuickThinkOfAName · 08/08/2019 12:31

We're all here for you op. Please don't feel alone.

Would it help to talk to your sons? Are they aware enough to realise the strain you're under? Would they have your back?

I think you did the right thing calling his bluff on the emotional blackmail. It's the same as saying - don't you love me. Has he come back? Would he believe you if you told him not to come back?

Sorry I don't know what to suggest. I just think in the short term you need some space without stress.

It's very worrying you can't have a conversation with him about anything without him turning to don't you love me shit. No one can deal with that.

EileenAlanna · 08/08/2019 12:49

You're adult sons think he's wonderful because they have the same experience/view of him that you did before the money problems/his dis-functional family reared their ugly heads. Let them know what's been happening, don't sugar coat it, or ask them to read this thread if you can't find the words to start the conversation with them.
He's drinking heavily - did I see you mention earlier that it's brandy he's knocking back? Like his DD he wants a champagne lifestyle when all he's got is money for a shandy.
Tell him to leave now. Gather up anything that's his & leave it by the door, get your bank accounts secure & don't listen to any whining. If he's "depressed" there's a GP surgery he can go to, if he's "suicidal" give him the number for the Samaritans. It would all be just emotional blackmail, on a par with the you don't love me crap. You aren't responsible for him, time he took responsibility for his own life & problems.

OhLookHeKickedTheBall · 08/08/2019 12:58

Perhaps next time he pulls the you don't love me card you could say:
I do, but I don't have any respect for you anymore

Whosorrynow · 08/08/2019 13:02

If he says you don't love me then reply this conversation is not about the issue of whether or not I love you, or you could say if you loved me and you wouldn't behave like this towards me.
Or point out that accusing you of not loving him it's just his go to to technique to deflect you from things he doesn't want to talk about.

MulticolourMophead · 08/08/2019 13:03

I think you need to lay it out to your adult DCs. Then they'll be in the head space to give you useful help. If they are still thinking he's great, they might not back you as fully as they could.