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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be furious DH is paying for wedding?

416 replies

4dogs · 04/08/2019 17:21

I had another thread on here about DSD’s wedding plans. She got engaged 3 yrs ago and booked quite a fancy wedding. With 6 weeks to go it transpired she still has £3,200 left to pay (original bill was £4,200). We gave them £1k earlier this year (which was my money not DH’s). DSD and fiancee have child. DSD works a few part time cleaning jobs, fiancee does not work, he did have a job but stopped turning up for reasons unknown.

DH and I agreed not to pay as we don’t really have the money but now it transpires he is taking a loan and paying.

In the meantime fiancee puts posts on FB about don’t let a job wear you out, it’s not worth it and DSD posts pictures of them out for a pub meal.

I honestly think my brain is going to explode. DH just says his daughter was sobbing over not being able to pay and I would do the same for mine (I bloody wouldn’t).

I am on the verge of kicking him out over this. Do I just need to calm down and get over it?

OP posts:
TroysMammy · 05/08/2019 22:37

dexterslockedintheshedagain I'm quite aware it's his problem just something else to throw into the mix.

Chocolatedaim · 05/08/2019 22:48

Oh 4dogs sorry to hear this.
With any luck your DH isn’t accepted for a loan and you and him can have a serious conversation about finances and how you are feeling.
I didn’t think your DH would contemplate doing this for his Dd. They all sounds as foolish as each other.

Original poster
4dogs · 06/08/2019 05:50

Oh bloody hell, just typed out a longish post replying to everyone and then it refreshed and lost the bloody thing.

Forgot to mention earlier it also came out that DH has given his other dd about £1k over the past year in dribs and drabs. No wonder he’s never got any money. She is on benefits with a young child so I know things are tough but it’s her choice, she could work pt (family members would look after child) but she doesn’t.

DH was quite cheerful when he got home
tonight so maybe he has secured a loan. I’m going to try and get my head straight and get ready to kick him out.

As someone else said when he says I don’t love him yes I think he’s projecting. I have not been myself in the past year due to ill health and my lack of sex drive has been a recurring annoyance for him and comes up every few months as ‘proof’ I don’t love him.

Just sick of it all really.

OP posts:
Original poster
4dogs · 06/08/2019 06:03

Allli Ex told DH that her fiancee mustn’t know because he’d be cross. She also said she’d got stuff for the wedding that amounts to £1k, turns out she’s paying for photographer and making the cake. Her fiancee doesn’t like DSD’s fiancee apparently. No one does except DSD! Other daughter will kick off because she will want same amount of money or will say it’s not fair. Which it isn’t but knowing her she’d say she’s never getting married and wants the money now. Out of all of them she is by far the most manipulative and has form
for telling big big lies. I’d love to share a saga or two from recent history about her but it could be outing so I won’t.
I had no idea they were all so dysfunctional when I married DH. It all started coming to light about 6 months later. I originally thought it was odd they were nothing like DH but have reassessed that recently and realise there are more similarities than I’d thought. He won’t challenge them
on their behaviour, they only call him when they want something, he tries to buy their love.

OP posts:
Whatisinaname1 · 06/08/2019 06:59

I hope you kicked him out OP. Lovely how he's happy to spend your money on his business but not sort out his own.

Saddler · 06/08/2019 07:10

Get rid of him, he sounds like a sap and his daughter and fiancé are parasites

Saddler · 06/08/2019 07:10

Get rid of him, he sounds like a sap and his daughter and fiancé are parasites

thejudgesaidhewasatitandIagree · 06/08/2019 07:50

You know what really stands out to me in all this. You were told by your doctor/nhs that your op wasn't going to be covered so you've been saving yourself, obviously for a while. An op from the sounds of it you desperately need. And your 'dh' has sat there, being self employed, taking a 'low wage' and allowing you to pay for everything KNOWING it was at a detriment to your health. But when dd cries he runs out to get a loan to fix it!
If my dh needed such an important surgery I'd be doing everything in my power to make that happen quickly.

Ellie56 · 06/08/2019 08:37

Sounds as though you will be well shot of the whole family OP. Who knows maybe your health will improve dramatically if you are no longer having to deal with the shitshow on an ongoing basis.

YouJustDoYou · 06/08/2019 08:40

They all sound awful.

JingsMahBucket · 06/08/2019 10:24

@thejudgesaidhewasatitandIagree goodness, you’re right. That’s what had been subconsciously bugging me about this. He’s putting everyone else ahead of his wife including her eyesight for crying out loud!

Whosorrynow · 06/08/2019 10:52

He be alright if he was just a boyfriend but when you're married and you have a financial partnership with someone, well he needs to be a lot more fair and transparent doesn't he

Patchworksack · 06/08/2019 11:54

I read your other thread and I am so sorry your DH has gone back on his word. While you are married it is not purely his decision to take out a large loan for any purpose, if the repayments affect both your finances. It's not hard to see where his daughter gets her attitude from if he is happy to be reliant on you to prop up his fledgling business and also put you under more financial stress by taking out an unnecessary loan.
If he hasn't already borrowed the money I would be saying to do so would be a deal breaker for me. Really sorry you are in this situation.

Littlemissdaredevil · 06/08/2019 12:27

They all sound awful. I would save your money for a divorce!

MotherofTerriers · 06/08/2019 13:26

He has expected you to subsidise him while he doesn't contribute much to household costs so that he can build a business, when in reality he has been sending money to his daughter behind your back. Whilst watching you slowly save for an operation to save your eyesight.
How on earth can he justify that. What a horrible man.

Scorpiovenus · 06/08/2019 13:30

Yea get out, he is showing with age he is financially abusing you.

No way he took your rightful half of the decision away for his offspring. The old adage us partners after a split always come second so this is it in motion. Just get away from them all, Sponging gits.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 06/08/2019 13:36

I originally thought it was odd they were nothing like DH but have reassessed that recently and realise there are more similarities than I’d thought

Very wise of you, OP; it's not easy to reach such insight, but now that you have, hopefully you can make your own plans free of this bunch of losers

You might want to keep arrangements pretty close to your chest though ... somehow I can't see DH taking kindly to the disappearance of his cash machine

IwantedtobeEmmaPeel · 06/08/2019 14:24

I can't help thinking that you might start feeling less depressed once your DH is out of your home and you are mistress of your own fate and finances again. Now that you have made your decision, I really hope he goes quietly and doesn't kick up too much fuss. Good luck Op.

MrsMozartMkII · 06/08/2019 14:33

You're going to have a much better life lass, once this irriate and his barking mad lot are out if it.

TanMateix · 06/08/2019 17:07

I had not been around for a few days so missed your updates. What is that thing with so much secrecy? If they are hiding things from DM’s fiancé and sister, what are they hiding from you?

Rather than trying to divine what the hell they are up to, I would have a very frank conversation about how you feel about the secrecy and tell him you will not put up with that kind of behaviour.

Just make sure you start putting your ducks in a row, because once they are tidily in line you are in a position of power to negotiate what happens next, even if you decide to stay

OrangeJellySpread · 06/08/2019 17:26

Take his Bourbon bottle from.him and tell him he needs to.get used without his drink. If he is paying back his loan. Not you! And kick him out fgs. You are married to a Jeremy kyle material! You deserve better.

Original poster
4dogs · 06/08/2019 18:04

OrangeJellySpread, it is all a bit Jeremy Kyle! Especially if you knew all the other stuff the not getting married dd got up to! Like I said they all seemed quite ‘normal’ when we got married. About a month later the dramas started.

TanMateix that’s a good point and probably one of the reasons I have felt so unsettled. i can’t abide dishonesty esp in family dynamics. Does make me wonder if there’s stuff I don’t know about, there probably is.

thejudgesaidhewasatitandIagree I hadn’t thought of it like that. To be honest I wasn’t keen on spending that amount of money on myself so I wouldn’t spend someone else’s borrowed money. Just glad NHS are going to do it now.

OP posts:
JingsMahBucket · 06/08/2019 18:47

@4dogs it is completely okay to spend money on yourself! You deserve to have your full eyesight back!

MachineBee · 06/08/2019 19:21

What a crap situation OP. So many sensible observations from PPs above. Please start putting your needs first here. Your sight and health is not to be diminished and you ‘D’H needs to get a grip and step up, be a better parent and spouse. Sadly, I think this is unlikely and it would appear that his grasping DDs seem to only see you as a cash machine.

Do not allow this to continue. You need to be firm and strong and unfortunately I think this includes a big review of your marriage.

MyHeartIsInCornwall · 06/08/2019 20:35

I remember the other thread too. (Haven’t read all the replies to this thread). Clearly these people don’t take responsibility for themselves as they don’t need to. Why would they bother when they can sponge off of family members? No wonder you are at the end of your tether!

I absolutely would lay it on the line to your OH and let him know that he is now overstepping the boundaries and he is at risk of loosing you by trampling all over you to give his DD whatever she wants. It won’t stop at the wedding either, clearly. Be prepared for a lifetime of, ‘can we borrow X’. Without a way to repay you, unless they get permanent employment.

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