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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I think my friend is deluded.

209 replies

T0getherindreams · 03/08/2019 10:50

Chatting to my (pretty much best) friend yesterday and she drops into conversation that her DH had received an email from his ex girlfriend.

For context, friend has been married to her DH for nearly 10 years. He was in a long term relationship with this ex for several years, I think they may even have owned a house together. But that relationship broke up about five years before my friend met her DH. So this ex girlfriend is from at least 15 years ago.

Anyway, there has been no contact between my friends DH and his ex in all that time. Save for this random email which was basically an introduction, a catch up about her life and attached were several photos of the ex girlfriends family (she's married with a child) her dog and even her back lawn.

The email was signed off with a phone number, and an invitation to meet up for a drink sometime and have a catch up. The ex apparently lives no far from my friend, same borough.

My friend didn't seem fazed and just basically mentioned it in passing as if her DH meeting his ex who he hasn't heard from in 15 years, was a perfectly normal thing to do Hmm

I pretty much told her to get a fucking grip, stop being so naieve and put a stop to this. Now.

Surely I'm not the only one who thinks this is madness. Nobody just sends a random email asking to meet their ex after 15 years. No unless they have something to gain. I said this ex sounds like shes having a mid life crisis and wants to recapture her youth. I'd be livid if some random ex started to try meeting up with my DH.

AIBU?

I left lunch feeling at a loss. Like I can see something really bad about to happen but cant stop it.

OP posts:
gobbynorthernbird · 03/08/2019 10:51

I don't think your friend is deluded. I think you are paranoid.

boredboredboredboredbored · 03/08/2019 10:52

Is he actually going to meet her?

crisscrosscranky · 03/08/2019 10:52

FWIW I think YANBU - I would feel uncomfortable too.

But this is MN so there will be loads of "cool wives" who say YABU and they can just be friends... yada yada yada.

Thehop · 03/08/2019 10:54

I think I’m somewhere between you and your friend.

InTheHeatofLisbon · 03/08/2019 10:54

I pretty much told her to get a fucking grip, stop being so naieve and put a stop to this. Now.

Bloody hell I'm blunt but this is just rude.

You don't mention her DHs response to the email? Was he planning on meeting the ex? He hasn't lied about the email so don't see why he'd lie about meeting her.

You were really nasty and rude to your friend. You owe her an apology.

guest2013 · 03/08/2019 10:54

I agree with pp. Your friend is obviously much more stable than you. You sound like you need to get a grip, not her.

Abraid2 · 03/08/2019 10:54

I think you are worrying about something that may never happen. He meets old ex and automatically has an affair with her?

1WayOrAnother · 03/08/2019 10:55

Calm down ffs. Its none of your business.

Picklypickles · 03/08/2019 10:55

Hmmm, yes the age old tactic of seducing the ex by sending them photos of your husband and kids! I think you may be the one who needs to get a grip, these people haven't seen each other in 15 years and have obviously well and truly moved on.

HeadsDownThumbsUpEveryone · 03/08/2019 10:56

Its very very weird surely there had been contact prior to this email did they recently bump into each other perhaps? As otherwise sending an email to someone you have not seen or spoken to in 15 years is bloody odd.

Original poster
T0getherindreams · 03/08/2019 10:57

gobby

Seriously?

To me it just feels wrong. I don't know if he is going to meet her, I'm guessing so as my friend didn't put up any resistance to the suggestion.

Sexist I know, but women just dont do this sort of thing. No unless there's something in it. Why the sudden need to contact an ex? Stinks of mid life crisis affair to me. Sorry.

I just can't get my head around it.

OP posts:
InTheHeatofLisbon · 03/08/2019 10:57

Also, putting a stop to a partner/spouse doing things is something that makes me uncomfortable. I'm not up for controlling my partner's life.

If he's a decent husband, he'll be honest with his wife (nothing up til now says he hasn't been so far) and they'll work out what's best between them.

The assertion that having a woman anywhere near your partner means you need to take some kind of action is odd. Surely he'd be capable of rebuffing any unwanted attention without someone pissing up his leg to mark their territory?

username678889 · 03/08/2019 10:57

I'm on the fence , no harm in catching up but yes I wouldn't be happy . It would be different if she had a partner and wanted to catch up in a group . I'd be suspicious of her motives .

Original poster
T0getherindreams · 03/08/2019 10:58

I wasn't rude to her, I didn't say it in the tone that's conveyed when you see words written down.

OP posts:
InTheHeatofLisbon · 03/08/2019 10:59

To me it just feels wrong. I don't know if he is going to meet her, I'm guessing so as my friend didn't put up any resistance to the suggestion.

Did she get the chance to finish her sentence before you launched into your astonishing attack on her and her DH?

Also, it's not about you.

Genuinely, and I say this as someone who appreciates straight talking, if a "friend" spoke to me the way you had, I'd have got up and walked out and wouldn't be having contact with them again.

You launched into all that without even hearing if he'd responded? Wow.

dudsville · 03/08/2019 10:59

But what would your friend do differently? Try to stop him? If he's going to cheat how would that be possible.

On the flip side, in favour of the "cool wives", on 3 occasions I've come home from different events to inform my partner, "apologies, I just accidentally went on a date". I don't read subtle social cues wellso I sometimes find myself having to extricate myself from an awkward misunderstanding. It's something we laugh aboutbecause he knows it wasn't intended, I tell him, and I don't repeat it. I now haven't been on one of these accidental dates in many years!

boosterrooster · 03/08/2019 11:01

Agree. Either a mid life crisis or she's unhappy in her current marriage/relationship and is thinking back on past love/relationships probably wondering if he's the one that got away etc. or some stupid shit like that.

I wouldn't be happy about him meeting her. I'd be happy about the fact that he let your friend know though, and that she got to see the email.

I'd be so curious as to what her motives are and would tag along for a laugh if it were my DH. If she's totally innocent and just wanting a friendly catch up then she wouldn't mind his wife of 10 years joining them?? Wink

StillCoughingandLaughing · 03/08/2019 11:01

I pretty much told her to get a fucking grip, stop being so naieve and put a stop to this. Now.

Christ, I’m glad you’re not my friend. Or my wife, come to that.

If this is the beginning of an affair, why is the husband telling her about the email?

TinyGhostWriter · 03/08/2019 11:02

I’d have no problem with this. Why would you be livid if you were in her shoes?

PooWillyBumBum · 03/08/2019 11:03

What? I met my ex from when I was a teenager in the pub a couple of months ago. First time in 10 years. We bumped into each other and later I messaged him on Facebook and asked if he fancied a drink. We had a great time, got completely pissed and laughed loads. I then went home to my husband and he to his DP of 8 years. I hope to do it again sometime. I don’t see what’s bizarre about it, we had a relationship because we got on well and was pleased to see that hadn’t changed and I hope to meet his partner soon!

My MIL’s best friend is one of FIL’s ex girlfriends. They bumped into her randomly in a pub - in laws married 5 years by then - and decided to all meet up as couples. 25 years after that she’s still one of their nearest and dearest friends. When she remarried in her 50s we all went to her wedding.

Why does everything have to be a drama? Not everyone is out to steal other people’s men or have affairs.

Original poster
T0getherindreams · 03/08/2019 11:03

I'm just worried about her that's all. But so far you guys seem about 50/50 on this.

It's just so random. I know my friend and her DH and nothing like this has ever happened before.

OP posts:
AntiHop · 03/08/2019 11:04

You are being paranoid. That's not how people start affairs!

HeadsDownThumbsUpEveryone · 03/08/2019 11:04

I also think the fact she is married is a slight red herring. Unless as I said previously they recently bumped into each other surely happily married people don't message their ex partners from 15 years ago? They might think of them randomly if a situation reminds them of something they did together but to actually go out of their way to email them, is random. I don't even think I'd remember my ex's email address after 2-3 years let alone 5.

You might have been abrupt in your approach in getting across your concern but if a friend told me their husbands ex from that long ago had randomly contacted them I too would be concerned over why she had got in touch.

InTheHeatofLisbon · 03/08/2019 11:06

My ex from about 20 years ago added me on Facebook the other week. DPs only comment on it was asking who he was, in conversation.

He didn't assume I'd suddenly be cheating on him and I'd have been really pissed off if he had!

Have you got a history which means you're reading too much into this?

I still think you weren't fair to your friend, not letting her finish the story before telling her how bad it is.

cranstonmanor · 03/08/2019 11:06

Oh I love the idea of seeing my EX's children. It would be fun to see what they are like and how everyone is. I wouldn't want to have an affair with either of them though, it's an EX for a reason. But I would love to catch up. I'd love to meet their wives as well. You sound very jealous, why don't you let your friends DH have a nice chat, besides, she can join him if she feels like it, right?