I think my friend is deluded.

[T0getherindreams]

Chatting to my (pretty much best) friend yesterday and she drops into conversation that her DH had received an email from his ex girlfriend.

For context, friend has been married to her DH for nearly 10 years. He was in a long term relationship with this ex for several years, I think they may even have owned a house together. But that relationship broke up about five years before my friend met her DH. So this ex girlfriend is from at least 15 years ago.

Anyway, there has been no contact between my friends DH and his ex in all that time. Save for this random email which was basically an introduction, a catch up about her life and attached were several photos of the ex girlfriends family (she's married with a child) her dog and even her back lawn.

The email was signed off with a phone number, and an invitation to meet up for a drink sometime and have a catch up. The ex apparently lives no far from my friend, same borough.

My friend didn't seem fazed and just basically mentioned it in passing as if her DH meeting his ex who he hasn't heard from in 15 years, was a perfectly normal thing to do

I pretty much told her to get a fucking grip, stop being so naieve and put a stop to this. Now.

Surely I'm not the only one who thinks this is madness. Nobody just sends a random email asking to meet their ex after 15 years. No unless they have something to gain. I said this ex sounds like shes having a mid life crisis and wants to recapture her youth. I'd be livid if some random ex started to try meeting up with my DH.

AIBU?

I left lunch feeling at a loss. Like I can see something really bad about to happen but cant stop it.

I assume @T0getherindreams that you think your friends husband is apt to cheat on her at the first chance? In which case she has bigger problems than this ex.

And totally agree with @sweeneytoddsrazor. I'm not a "Cool wife" for trusting my husband not to fuck the first willing woman who happens along. He is a grown man, if he's going to cheat he'll find someone and some where and some time. He won't cheat simply because I won't control his movements, tell him who he can and can't be friends with and stop him from talking to anyone with a vagina. In fact I reckon if my husband did the former, I'd be MORE likely to run for the hills

I don't know anyone in rl that cares about being a cool wife. People are just normal, some people would care about this and others wouldn't.
Personally I wouldn't like this and I'm not an insecure, jealous, paranoid person. If he really wanted to do it then there's nothing I could do and I do trust him.

This thread seems overly heated to me.

@Alsohuman did you lure them there so you could have secret sex with your ex or was it more like a partner swap / mass orgy? I mean, it couldn't just be friendliness...

Its not even about being a cool wife. Its about getting so involved in someone's relationship that you think you can talk to them that way and also your assumption that it's acceptable for your friend to control her husband and "put a stop to it".
The situation doesn't even involve you, you don't get to tell anyone how to handle it.

Damn, you rumbled me @SleepingStandingUp!

There was just a thread about wondering what happened to people who disappeared from someone's life.
There is nothing wrong in reaching out to just have a chat even after 15 years. We all sometimes remember someone and wonder how they are. I met with an ex after 8 years and got a coffee together. It was lovely to catch up and have a bit of gossip about old mutual friends. Haven't seen each other since again.

Yabu, paranoid, nosy and rude.

Yep - agree it's you OP that needs to get a grip.

Nothing wrong with what your friend told you, I'd have no problem with it at all. We're off to stay with my ex, his wife at his parents place tomorrow, we're all good friends - he and I split nearly 20 years ago after 9 years together - we've got history and spent a lot of fun years together. However there was no point in throwing the baby out with the bathwater as it were and now he, my DH, his wife and I are all good friends and his wonderful parents who knew me and who I have a great friendship with are still a big part of my life. He is godfather to our eldest. If his wife (or her best friend!) had had a histrionic reaction like yours to our friendship I would have found it very odd! Sometimes also old friends (even old friends who were once boyfriends) in the dim and distant past get in touch - it's too easy to lose touch when life is busy & it's a lovely thing to re-estbish contact.

Makes me think of both the song sunscreen with the lyrics " Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle, because the older you get, the more you need the people you knew when you were young"

and the Nescafe ad:

Seriously though OP from the strength of your reaction I would presume you are projecting...some ex of yours you are still holding a torch for somewhere is there!?

I really hate the term 'cool wife'. It implies that the natural state for women is to be needy and paranoid and mistrustful, and that anyone who pretends to be otherwise is fooling themselves in an attempt to be likeable to men. It's so misogynistic.

I think a lot of women have relationships with men who aren't trustworthy, and it totally warps their perception of what's normal in a relationship.

I don't know, maybe there are actually husband's and wives who trust each other? I don't know just throwing it out there.

I would not be threatened or feel anyway if my husband wanted to catch up with an ex. Albeit one catch up. Any more, yes that's when I'd have to put a stop to things but the fact that the husband has been open and shown his wife the email, it's obvious that they have a very trusting relationship, with good communication.

I think it's quite odd to email an Ex out of the blue after that length of time and I'd be wondering why they did it, both if I was the recipient of such an email, or if my DH was.
It's not something I would ever think of doing myself, i'd be concerned that I looked a bit, well, stalkerish. Not to say somewhat unhinged weird.
Would any of you email an ex out of the blue for no clearly discernible purpose?
I mean, they are an Ex for a reason. And presumably not on the Christmas card list.

Gosh. My DH and I each only have one proper ex, and we're friends with them. I know his ex and her husband, he knows my ex (unmarried). DH has stayed over with his ex & her husband after nights out etc (diff. cities) and I haven't had the slightest problem with that. I'm definitely not a "cool wife" either.

I’m still really good friends with two ex’s. They were good relationships but the sort that naturally came to a close with no drama - just a sort of “it’s run it’s course” sort of thing.

My DH knows them both and has no issues at all with it. The bit about random contact after 15 years or so is a bit odd, but it doesn’t scream of potential affair to me.

I’m sure your friend knows her DH well enough, if he chooses to meet with her to catch up, it’s their business. If something bad truly does come of it then be there to support your friend.

I wonder OP have you ever been cheated on? When a person has, it’s very difficult to break out of being suspicious of others. I understand your feelings are probably wanting to protect your friend, but this isn’t a situation to crowbar yourself into.

It'd make me feel a bit wary as well OP but tbh if this happened to you, you'd have to 'play' it a bit more calmly.

I have exes I'm curious about, but I wouldn't send them PHOTOS of myself now!! After 15 years. I do think it's inappropriate. Maybe a quick Hi, turns out we live nearby. But to go right in there with photos of yourself and your group of friends, I think that is a bit much.

I think you're being completely ridiculous, sorry.

I have exes I wouldn't want to see again in a million years, but others I would be happy to catch up with and see again. If they were to feel the same, why not?

I was in touch about 5 years ago with an ex from about 20 years previously. He had just joined facebook and he and his location popped up because we have a few mutual friends still. I was due to be working in his area and thought it would be rude and weird not to make contact, so I messaged him and we arranged to have coffee. It never happened in the end, for various reasons, but not because his wife 'put a stop to it'.

We're fb friends now, though neither of us is on it very much. If either of us is in each other's towns in the future, I'm sure we'll meet up and have a bit of a reminisce but I won't be ripping his clothes off or letting him rip mine! We split up because we didn't want to be with each other and we both have families with other people now. That doesn't mean we wouldn't have stuff to talk about though. My partner wouldn't care less, because he trusts me, and if he had a friend who suggested otherwise I would think they were a meddling troublemaker.

I'm not saying encounters with exes can't be dangerous territory, but this really doesn't sound like that kind of thing at all. It depends a lot on what kind of relationship it was at the time, why it split up and where each of the parties are at now. I think they are better placed to judge all of that than you. I think you should apologise to your friend, and also to her DH if she's repeated anything you said.

I think it is fine. We both occasionally meet up with our exes for a catch up. We both go along or if one of us wants to do something else, separately. I think it a little strange to live with someone and then refuse to ever speak to them again.

Caution is typically wise, but the idea that "women don't just do this" without nefarious motives doesn't make sense to me. It seems oversimplified. There are several people that I haven't spoken to in 15+ years that, if I had the opportunity, I would love to have a catch-up with. There are a couple exes that I would love to know if they're okay and doing well, but the same is true of certain family members, friends, people I went to school with, and other people who had a big impact.

It's not a recapture my youth or mid-life crises thing, I don't think. I've no desire to be that young again and I'm really not looking for an affair. It's more having had people in my life who meant a lot to me, that are the only other people in the world who experienced certain things with me, and sometimes it feels really weird that it's been X amount of years and that someone who knew everything about me now knows nothing and I know nothing about them or them me. Especially when it seems most people have some sort of continuation with their family and friends, having a gap can feel really wrong sometimes. My DH doesn't get that himself but he's pretty much connected - in-person or online - most people that fit that description, but he understands when I spend a bit of time looking into the people and places I once knew.

Maybe it's because I've lost almost everyone who knew me before I was 18 or so and have very few photos or other items to prove what went on then, but it can be incredibly grounding and warming to have something or someone who can confirm one's past. Earlier this year I found a few nearly 20-year-old photos of teen-me online, grainy black and white school newspaper-type ones, and I was so ecstatic that I cried - if I could actually talk to some of the people in those photos, if they could talk to my family, tell my kids what I was like back then, if I could apologize and laugh about some of the dumb shit I did when I was younger with people who knew, if I could ask about some of the gaps in my memory or things I heard and believed then but am now unsure about or if they knew about...

There are a lot of reasons to want to get in touch with people, the vast majority of them have nothing to do with sex. I don't think my DH is a "cool husband" to not attempt to stop me when I've decided to play internet detective for people, including exes, though I seem to have known a bunch of people very careful with their data as the closest I've found is some old high school yearbooks, a couple I went to school with who have been on TV (reality and comedy) but not those who would have really known me then, and an ex-girlfriend who was interviewed on a smalltown news channel once but otherwise seems to have no other internet footprint.

It's more having had people in my life who meant a lot to me, that are the only other people in the world who experienced certain things with me, and sometimes it feels really weird that it's been X amount of years and that someone who knew everything about me now knows nothing and I know nothing about them

Yes, exactly. Beautifully put.

YABU. Sounds like a perfectly normal, friendly email. Why do you react so strongly to this? Doesn't seem untoward or inappropriate at all, your reaction seems over the top and paranoid.

Do you not keep in touch with friends from the past? 15 years down the line, this is no different. I don't understand why you say that women don't keep in touch with people from the past - of course we do. Some of us are even friends with ex partners without trying to get back into bed with them....

@gregoire couldn't agree more. People justifying their jealous and controlling behaviour by insinuating anyone who trusts their husband around other women is just desperate for male kudos. It's gross.

I don't think I'd ever send an email, but honestly I'd love to know how my ex from 15 years ago is. I heard on the grapevine he has a child, we both have very different lives now and it would be quite fun to meet up and say hello.

I was going to say YABU, but then I read the OP again and see that she sent a photo of her back lawn!

The hussey!

I was going to say YABU, but then I read the OP again and see that she sent a photo of her back lawn!

The hussey

Don’t be so judgemental. I’m sure she checked that her edges were neatly strimmed

YABU

Ha ha ha. I could have written this but my husband ex gf was from 25 years ago. They are in touch now - o have no issue with it, all above board. Men and women can be friends you know? Unless you think your friends husband is a cheating scumbag?

You OP sound paranoid and a little bit controlling. Sorry! 🤷🏻‍♀️