Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I think my friend is deluded.

209 replies

T0getherindreams · 03/08/2019 10:50

Chatting to my (pretty much best) friend yesterday and she drops into conversation that her DH had received an email from his ex girlfriend.

For context, friend has been married to her DH for nearly 10 years. He was in a long term relationship with this ex for several years, I think they may even have owned a house together. But that relationship broke up about five years before my friend met her DH. So this ex girlfriend is from at least 15 years ago.

Anyway, there has been no contact between my friends DH and his ex in all that time. Save for this random email which was basically an introduction, a catch up about her life and attached were several photos of the ex girlfriends family (she's married with a child) her dog and even her back lawn.

The email was signed off with a phone number, and an invitation to meet up for a drink sometime and have a catch up. The ex apparently lives no far from my friend, same borough.

My friend didn't seem fazed and just basically mentioned it in passing as if her DH meeting his ex who he hasn't heard from in 15 years, was a perfectly normal thing to do Hmm

I pretty much told her to get a fucking grip, stop being so naieve and put a stop to this. Now.

Surely I'm not the only one who thinks this is madness. Nobody just sends a random email asking to meet their ex after 15 years. No unless they have something to gain. I said this ex sounds like shes having a mid life crisis and wants to recapture her youth. I'd be livid if some random ex started to try meeting up with my DH.

AIBU?

I left lunch feeling at a loss. Like I can see something really bad about to happen but cant stop it.

OP posts:
colourlessgreenidea · 03/08/2019 11:25

If they've had no contact for 15 years - how did she get his email address?

Linkedin, company website, social media, web search - plenty of people’s email addresses are publicly available

Sandybval · 03/08/2019 11:25

Maybe she trusts him, crazy idea I know.

NoCauseRebel · 03/08/2019 11:27

So OP did you meet up with an ex and cheat on your husband then? Because IMO your reaction is so extreme as to make me think that you’ve done this hence why you seem to know what this woman’s motives must be....

FWIW I regained touch with my ex on Facebook a few years ago. We live in different countries now but if we didn’t I would likely meet up with him.

He’s on his 4th marriage now, quite the catch obviously. Wink.

NoCauseRebel · 03/08/2019 11:28

And chances are it might not have been an email but a FB message perhaps? I’m constantly getting pm’s from people on FB about numerous things and I’ve lost track of the times I’ve said to my DP “I had a text from so-and-so....” so email could be the same/just shorthand for DM, iyswim.

Divebar · 03/08/2019 11:29

Yet again the term “ cool wives” being bandied about as a term of abuse because people don’t agree with you. I can’t think of a single ex I would personally be interested in re-igniting anything with but I wouldn’t mind a little catch up. . Perhaps we could create the “ Paranoid wives” club just for you and your minority of cohorts. And with the issue of email addresses I’ve kept the same email address since I’ve had one... at least 20 years I would imagine. Perhaps I’m supposed to have changed it for a joint one with my DH “ Mr&MrsDivebar” so I can keep tabs on all these old flames trying to get into his pants.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 03/08/2019 11:30

I absolutely fucking hate the patronising term cool wives. That some people can trust their partners to have friendships with the opposite sex does not make them 'cool'. In my world which most definitely isn't cool by any stretch of the imagination it is perfectly normal for work colleagues to socialize without their partners. We are all friends on SM we sometimes message each other. We are not all shagging each other. The only ones that have got together have been young singles.

Pinkbonbon · 03/08/2019 11:31

Well that was some crazy jumping to conclusions on your part.

If your friend is secure in her marriage, there's no reason it should bother her. Especially considering it sounds like hubby told her about it. An old flame who was a big part of his life for a long time wants a catch up over a cuppa. So what? As long as its a one off then its totally fine.

DryIce · 03/08/2019 11:33

I think you sound insane. But I see you're already dismissing anyone who disagrees with you as being a 'cool wife' so I'm not ready sure what the point of asking was?

I think your initial reaction sounds paranoid,and your proposed solution controlling. It may make me a cool wife, but personally I trust my husband not to cheat on me because be chooses not to, not because I've personally cleared the path of any potential temptations.

QueenoftheBiscuitTin · 03/08/2019 11:35

Why would you send your ex of 15 years photos of your life when you're not in contact? It's a bit weird.

colourlessgreenidea · 03/08/2019 11:39

I think you sound insane. But I see you're already dismissing anyone who disagrees with you as being a 'cool wife' so I'm not ready sure what the point of asking was?

So she could do a petulant ‘I’ll get my coat. Jesus!” flounce and slam the door behind her? Grin

InTheHeatofLisbon · 03/08/2019 11:44

I absolutely fucking hate the patronising term cool wives. That some people can trust their partners to have friendships with the opposite sex does not make them 'cool'

I'm with you. DP has female friends, I have male friends.

In fact DP is currently support for his friend's charity walk across Scotland for veterans. His best mate (who is in hospital) insisted his gf didn't miss out and she's currently in the back of DPs truck eating her lunch. We've just got off the phone, and I'll be heading to the hospital later to take some stuff for her man.

By your standards OP, we'd all be at it!

I'm not a cool wife. I'm not a wife at all actually. What I am is perfectly capable of being friends with a man without jumping on his cock! DP is perfectly capable of being friends with a woman without falling into her fanny.

IAskTooManyQuestions · 03/08/2019 11:44

I don't think your friend is deluded. I think you are paranoid

^^ this with knobs on.

DH and I both had a life before each other, we still socialise with ex partners, they are part of a wider social circle. Note use of EX

If they've had no contact for 15 years - how did she get his email address?

I've had the same address and mobile number in excess of 20 years, as has DH.

ComfortablyGlum · 03/08/2019 11:44

If you are married to someone who you think might be ‘tempted’ to cheat because an ex emailed to catch up then you really should not be with said person.

In my world, I trust my husband implicitly and if he wanted to catch up with anyone (including an ex) I’d be perfectly fine with it. That’s not being cool, that’s being in a good marriage with a man I know and trust.

Maybe that’s the sort of relationship your friend has with her DH....?

Sounds like you have the issues if you think any guy would automatically be ‘lured’ into an affair because of a friendly email. If that’s the sort of man you are used to then here’s some advice - find a better one. Not all men are sleazy chancers, hoping for a shag if a woman is (God forbid!) FRIENDLY. And the ones that arecshould not be touched with a 100m barge pole.

OstrichRunning · 03/08/2019 11:46

completely agree with intheheatoflisbon. YABU.

InTheHeatofLisbon · 03/08/2019 11:47

I've had the same address and mobile number in excess of 20 years, as has DH

I have too, since I was 16.

A friend who moved back to SA 10 years ago and we lost touch recently emailed.

mussolini9 · 03/08/2019 11:48

Sexist I know, but women just dont do this sort of thing.

Please stop representing 3 billion women who have not voted you as their mouthpiece.

And you would do well to butt out of your friend's marriage. IF she has concerns, & IF she wants to discuss them, she will raise them with you. Do not initiatethe subject with her again. It's arrogant, disrespectful & intrusive.

Bluntness100 · 03/08/2019 11:51

Jesus. When you get your coat, grab your self a grip too.

She's fine with it. The woman sent images of her family for God's sake. If she trusts her husband, good for her. There is nothing wrong with him going for a catch up.

Simply because you have major trust issues, doesn't mean everyone should, or that every man, at the first sight of an ex, is immediately going to attempt to shag her.

You owe your friend an apology. And you need to think through what's causing your weird behaviour

thisnamechanger · 03/08/2019 11:52

Probably wouldn't bother me. My DP hangs out with one of his ex's all the time as she's in his friendship group.

Id quite like to have a coffee with ex from 15 years ago actually, if ended on good terms, would be nice to see how they are!

HiJenny35 · 03/08/2019 11:53

I have a couple of exs from over 10 years ago that it didn't end badly with, we just wanted different things, have lots of nice memories, friends with one on Facebook, not sure what the other is up to, if I saw them on Facebook I'd send a message with what I've been doing and ask how they are, what they've been doing. Wouldn't be weird at all. I'm in a relationship and able to look at the past without needing to jump into bed with my ex. Very weird that you've jumped to such conclusions. Maybe she trusts her partner. Literally nothing to do with you and personally I'd be very offended and find you very rude if you suggested to me that my partner was going to end up having an affair just because an ex contacted him, what a disrespectful way to view their relationship.

gregoire · 03/08/2019 11:53

I think your reaction is a bit extreme. I am on good terms with all my exes and meet up with one of them every few years for a catch up. There was no hideous drama in our break up - just a realisation that while we liked each other enormously, we weren't right for each other long term. So we stayed friendly, and I like to hear from her with a life update now and then.

My husband has no problem with it. He trusts me.

It's possible there is something more sinister going on, but it doesn't seem likely. Presumably your friend knows if she can trust her husband.

Sorryisntgoodenough · 03/08/2019 11:54

YABU and gobbynorthernbird is right.

You sound as if are projecting your fears of some sinister motive onto your friend due to your own insecurities.

HaileySherman · 03/08/2019 11:54

I think you're being a bit paranoid as well. I've had several long term relationships and I think it wouldn't be crazy to catch up. I think if my husband had been like "no way I don't want to catch up" with an ex, I'd wonder if it's because he's ashamed of me or his life. I think he did pretty well, and should WANT to show off how vreat things turned out. Of course for full disclosure right now my husband and I are separated (nothing to do with cheating or infidelity on either part) so I am speaking in terms of when things were good.

merlotqueen · 03/08/2019 11:57

What we don't know is her motive. I had a friend who used to contact old boyfriends when she was at low ebb to try and rekindle their interest in her and it really didn't matter if they were in a relationship or not.

In one case the ex did take the bait, the others didn't.

So if her DH is her dear H, then he won't will he?

Oliversmumsarmy · 03/08/2019 11:59

I think this is about trust and how secure your friend is in her relationship.

Maybe she knows her dh isn't going to jump into bed with someone he knew 15 years ago on the basis of 1 email

Maybe this says more about you and your relationship and has brought up feelings that you wouldn't trust yourself or your dh if this sort if thing happened.
In which case I would be examining why your own trust isn't there.

The term "cool wife" just means we have a level of trust in our relationship which sounds like it is lacking in yours

Alsohuman · 03/08/2019 12:01

As someone who recently entertained their ex and his wife for a two night stay, I’d say if grips are to be taken, it’s probably you who needs one, OP.