Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I think my friend is deluded.

209 replies

T0getherindreams · 03/08/2019 10:50

Chatting to my (pretty much best) friend yesterday and she drops into conversation that her DH had received an email from his ex girlfriend.

For context, friend has been married to her DH for nearly 10 years. He was in a long term relationship with this ex for several years, I think they may even have owned a house together. But that relationship broke up about five years before my friend met her DH. So this ex girlfriend is from at least 15 years ago.

Anyway, there has been no contact between my friends DH and his ex in all that time. Save for this random email which was basically an introduction, a catch up about her life and attached were several photos of the ex girlfriends family (she's married with a child) her dog and even her back lawn.

The email was signed off with a phone number, and an invitation to meet up for a drink sometime and have a catch up. The ex apparently lives no far from my friend, same borough.

My friend didn't seem fazed and just basically mentioned it in passing as if her DH meeting his ex who he hasn't heard from in 15 years, was a perfectly normal thing to do Hmm

I pretty much told her to get a fucking grip, stop being so naieve and put a stop to this. Now.

Surely I'm not the only one who thinks this is madness. Nobody just sends a random email asking to meet their ex after 15 years. No unless they have something to gain. I said this ex sounds like shes having a mid life crisis and wants to recapture her youth. I'd be livid if some random ex started to try meeting up with my DH.

AIBU?

I left lunch feeling at a loss. Like I can see something really bad about to happen but cant stop it.

OP posts:
SacharissaCrisplock · 03/08/2019 11:06

My ex of nearly 20 years ago sought me out not long ago. We exchanged niceties and had a quick catch up and that was that. I think we were both curious to see which directions life had taken us but it definitely was not any kind of precursor to an affair.

I think you are paranoid or have a very different relationship with your exes than I do.

cranstonmanor · 03/08/2019 11:07

OP, would you want to start an affair with an ex from 15 years ago? Probably not, right?

StupidlittlepricknamedRick · 03/08/2019 11:07

You seem way too invested in someone else's marriage.
. I know my friend and her DH and nothing like this has ever happened before.
They are married. They probably know each other better. Stay out of it.

Butchyrestingface · 03/08/2019 11:07

I pretty much told her to get a fucking grip, stop being so naieve and put a stop to this. Now.

Bloody hell I'm blunt but this is just rude.

Especially if she said it like she spelled it. Grin

A touch dramatic for the circumstances, OP. However, she knows your feelings on the subject so if husband the ex start shagging around, you conscience will be clear.

colourlessgreenidea · 03/08/2019 11:07

I pretty much told her to get a fucking grip, stop being so naieve and put a stop to this. Now.

Down with this sort of thing!!! GrinGrinGrin

Ps: no, you did not say any of that.

fedup21 · 03/08/2019 11:08

It has nothing to do with you-you sound quite paranoid.

Original poster
T0getherindreams · 03/08/2019 11:08

Ok. For clarity. I didn't attack my friend, I wasnt rude. Tone of voice is everyrhing.

I guess im just not part of the cool wives club.

OP posts:
Nosquit · 03/08/2019 11:08

Op Biscuit my first. There may be something going on but... if your friend knows about it it’s likely innocent. I have a male friend who my husband doesn’t know who takes my son and I out sometimes (sometimes with his son sometimes without) in the school holidays as I don’t drive. My DH knows about this and is fine, he knows we are just friends and the other guy knows we are just friends. I also meet with exes of mine sometimes I don’t think this is any different from any other meeting with an old friend and if the ex thinks it is then your friends DP will probably put her in her place.

onanothertrain · 03/08/2019 11:09

Seems very controlling. If you were my friend I'd have told you to fuck off. Nothing to do with you.

Silvercatowner · 03/08/2019 11:10

My OH (married 32 years) met up with his first wife a few weeks ago. They had lunch, a chat and they caught up with their lives since they split 35 years ago.

I'm fairly sure they didn't sleep together. I've met her. She's a nice person.

squirrelspatchcock · 03/08/2019 11:11

YABU. I just don't see the problem. I have met up with old boyfriends and would have no issue with my husband meeting with an ex. I trust him and he is a free person, not a dog to be kept on a tight lead.

1WayOrAnother · 03/08/2019 11:11

You've no idea what has prompted this woman to get in touch, you've no idea what the husbands intentions are. Youve no right to an opinion on whether he should go to meet someone he used to know who he hasnt seen for many years. I know I'd be safe from any inappropriate behaviour if i was in a similar situation and I'd completely get it if a partner wanted to meet an ex. I'm really not sure why you think it's any of your business. I'd distance myself from any friend who was behaving like you are.

sackrifice · 03/08/2019 11:11

I have about 4 exes that I am friends with on Facebook. We sometimes even meet up and chat.

The horror.

Original poster
T0getherindreams · 03/08/2019 11:12

Ok, I'll get my coat.

Jesus!

OP posts:
PapaShango · 03/08/2019 11:13

I met up with my ex from uni a few months back.

We lived together for 4 years and broke up because he was moving to another country and I didn’t want to go. We left on good terms but lost touch as this was before Facebook, social media etc. He randomly added me on Facebook around 6 months ago and said he was back in England for a few weeks and could we catch up.

It was nice, we went for a quick drink and had a catch up and that was that. Obviously I told dh and he was fine. Why wouldn’t he be?

Zaphodsotherhead · 03/08/2019 11:15

If they've had no contact for 15 years - how did she get his email address?

HelloyouKant · 03/08/2019 11:15

Yabvvvvvvu

InTheHeatofLisbon · 03/08/2019 11:16

T0getherindreams do that, and go to your friend's house and apologise to her for being so horrid to her.

mumtobe1984 · 03/08/2019 11:16

I don't think YABU as I wouldn't like it if it was my husband, and I woukd certainly raise an eyebrow if it was my friends hubby. However, do you know the hubby well? Is he the type to stray? If so then I agree with what you said to ur friend. If ur friend is very trusting of him and that's how their relationship is then I wouldn't say anymore as ur friend might tell her hubby and then it could get very awkward u being friends. If it does go tits up don't say 'I told u so', just be a supportive friend

OMGshefoundmeout · 03/08/2019 11:18

I recently did pretty much the same thing - I came across an ex I haven’t seen for nearly 40 years online. Messaged him saying how nice it was to see his news, told him a bit about my life now and ended with my phone number saying if he’s ever near X or Y where I live nowadays to ring and we could meet for a drink. There was genuinely nothing more intended than a friendly gesture. My husband of 32 years wasn’t bothered by it, just mildly surprised that I had done out with such a weird looking man (he wasn’t that weird looking 40 years ago!).

I have now realised that the ex has never responded. I thought it was because the message didn’t reach him but perhaps his wife suspected my motives!

CaravanHero · 03/08/2019 11:18

I’m obviously not one of the ‘cool wives’ op but I agree...as would most people in rl I suspect.

I have no issues with exchanging niceties, being Facebook friends, sharing a one off email catch up with an ex...totally normal imo.

Arranging to meet though is a whole different ball game imo and not one I feel is appropriate 🤷🏻‍♀️

I’ve ended things on good terms with my two ‘significant’ ex’s and wish them well. I’d be happy enough to be Facebook friends or spend a couple of minutes saying hello and catching up if I happened to bump into them. It’s nice to be nice, plus I’m nosy 😂

BUT they’re a part of my distant past now and are ex’s for a reason. I’m not particularly interested enough in them any more to want to actually arrange to meet up. If you still have that level of ‘interest’ in an ex I think that’s asking for trouble before you start.

rosinavera · 03/08/2019 11:18

I think I would have been worried for your friend also OP.

HeadsDownThumbsUpEveryone · 03/08/2019 11:19

If they've had no contact for 15 years - how did she get his email address?

I did wonder that on the previous page, everyon else seems to have skipped over it. It's very different to finding someone from decades ago on facebook. Most people would have changed their email address in that time and sending pictures etc is not exactly something you would do if you weren't sure it was the correct address.

Ohyesiam · 03/08/2019 11:19

The way you see it sounds v black and white. I think if friends dh is a bit disconnected from his marriage, and you’ve clocked that and have been worried about it for a time, and the relationship with the ex was never really over, then it’s understandable to have your reaction.
But if their marriage is steady and the ex is sending pics of her kids (hardly a known sexual come on) then why worry?
You do sound a bit paranoid. People , even ex partners can connect on other levels than sexual.

Beaverdam · 03/08/2019 11:22

I think you are very controlling if you would do that to your DH. How strange. Your friend is probably in a stable and trusting relationship.