I think my friend is deluded.

[T0getherindreams]

Chatting to my (pretty much best) friend yesterday and she drops into conversation that her DH had received an email from his ex girlfriend.

For context, friend has been married to her DH for nearly 10 years. He was in a long term relationship with this ex for several years, I think they may even have owned a house together. But that relationship broke up about five years before my friend met her DH. So this ex girlfriend is from at least 15 years ago.

Anyway, there has been no contact between my friends DH and his ex in all that time. Save for this random email which was basically an introduction, a catch up about her life and attached were several photos of the ex girlfriends family (she's married with a child) her dog and even her back lawn.

The email was signed off with a phone number, and an invitation to meet up for a drink sometime and have a catch up. The ex apparently lives no far from my friend, same borough.

My friend didn't seem fazed and just basically mentioned it in passing as if her DH meeting his ex who he hasn't heard from in 15 years, was a perfectly normal thing to do

I pretty much told her to get a fucking grip, stop being so naieve and put a stop to this. Now.

Surely I'm not the only one who thinks this is madness. Nobody just sends a random email asking to meet their ex after 15 years. No unless they have something to gain. I said this ex sounds like shes having a mid life crisis and wants to recapture her youth. I'd be livid if some random ex started to try meeting up with my DH.

AIBU?

I left lunch feeling at a loss. Like I can see something really bad about to happen but cant stop it.

I am far far removed from being a cool wife but this wouldn't bother me at all. It's just a catch up. I'd love to see my ex and catch up now that a lot of water has flowed under the bridge. I'd be happy for my DH to as well.

It is wrong on all counts, she is obviously unhappy in her present life otherwise she would not have contacted him.

@mussolini9 😂😂😂

Wouldn’t bother me at all. Similar happened with my DH actually and the ex was single - just divorced. 8 years on she is remarried to one of DHs friends he introduced her to and she is one of my best friends! These things aren’t always sinister, men and women can be just friends ya know...

A friend of mine was fine with this. The ex is now the new wife living in the very house that friend and her dp had been planning to buy. My friend , who thought she was in a happy marriage, is living in a tiny do-er upper wondering what the help has happened!

“Cool wives”. I think people using this slur unknowingly mean “well adjusted and non neurotic and aren’t they just fuckers because I’m not like that”.

It’s a potentially dangerous situation.

EVERYTHING is a "potentially a dangerous situation". 🙄 Work party, any party, gym, work etc.
But as a adult person, you just can't stop everything or automatically expect a horrible outcome from everything.

How would the life look???

I find this bit sad, because it really shows how little trust there is in some relationships. I personally couldn't live like that. Stopping DH from meeting with someone just because, or him stopping me.
I am not naive, but I am also not a type of person who would be with someone they wouldn't trust so much they wouldn't allow them to meet na ex from 15 years ago🤷

A friend of mine was fine with this. The ex is now the new wife living in the very house that friend and her dp had been planning to buy. My friend , who thought she was in a happy marriage, is living in a tiny do-er upper wondering what the help has happened!

What’s your point? That this happened to someone you know; therefore the scenario will play out in the exact same way for the OP’s friend?

Your friend’s partner cheated and left her. Is that the kind of person she wants to be with? If she had to ‘put a stop to it’ rather then her husband not wanting to cheat, it wasn’t a strong relationship to start with.

"I am not naive, but I am also not a type of person who would be with someone they wouldn't trust so much they wouldn't allow them to meet na ex from 15 years ago"

This.

I would hate to be unable to trust my partner. I couldn't deal with the constant worry of suspicion. If you can't trust your partner to have a coffee with an old, old ex then there is something up in the relationship generally.

I am that woman who will intermittently be in touch with ex partners, for no reason or gain or trouble.

As long as its not the toxic exes. I won't go near those.

Not everyone does it but some people can be in touch with, or even close friends with, exes.

Sorry to the PP whose ex's ex became the wife etc. That isn't nice at all.

He might have an affair regardless of whether an ex GF has emailed him , or if he's out at a works do? Or meets someone in the pub? Or at his hobby?

It would be totally pointless and bizarre to 'put a stop to this', if someone wants to cheat, they will.

@mussolini9

Not that I've replied, I guess we're engaged now...? What are your thoughts on eloping?

I think you’re paranoid OP. These days I regularly see my ex (of 30+ years ago) and I’ve even been alone with him with neither of us getting a sudden urge to jump on each other with long forgotten lust.

People can have friends of the opposite sex and people can be friends with ex partners...it’s not unheard of.

OP- I’m with you on this, but maybe you could have said it in a more subtle way?
I wouldn’t like my DH meeting up with any ex’s, especially after so many years. Very random and inappropriate I think! YANBU

I can see why you're alarmed by this and if we're all being honest it IS a 50/50 situation.

Obviously not all women are out to steal other women's husbands and have the capacity to be just friends: maybe she's very happily married and is comfortable contacting someone she once had a close relationship with in order to be friends with him: the fact the DH has told your friend suggests it's quite amiable and above board.

I once met up with an ex for a drink, not because I wanted anything from him but because I felt like there were lose ends I wanted to tie up and I wanted to apologise for the way things ended and my part in it. I did NOT however have a desire to be friends and keep in contact with him.

Personally I don't think it's "normal" to look up ex's, surely she has a life, friends etc so why the need to look backwards?

In my experience, people who do this want something, the question is what?

I think you were right to voice your concerns because some folks are too trusting and a bit thick; she doesn't currently have an issue with it though and you've said your piece so don't over step your mark and for goodness sake don't worry about it. It's not your burden to carry.

An ex boyfriend from my distant past contacted me about 12 years ago. I was flattered and surprised, thought oh that’s nice, emailed a quick couple of lines to him in response and that was that. I didn’t sense any ulterior motive or that he wanted to invade my life! In these days of social media it’s easy to be more social!! My husband was probably a bit narked and so was very slightly sarcastic but it didn’t cause a problem.

How did the ex come to have his email address?

Why wouldn’t they have each other’s email address? Do you delete them?

Sexist I know, but women just dont do this sort of thing. No unless there's something in it.

Wtaf

And yes I am in touch with exs. And no it doesn't mean I want to jump on them. Jeez.

StillcoughingOf courseI don't expect the same scenario everytime, what a ridiculous suggestion, but it is one of the possible scenarios as other posters have pointed out. My friend had been married for over 25 years and trusted her husband completely. The ex was in an unhappy marriage and was full on towards my friend's husband, so really just a cautionary tale and that OP's friend should just keep an eye out.

Here's a quiz
a. Do you easily get riled up and are a bit controlling?
b. Are you suffering from latent jealousy?
c.The type of person that hopes to upset her friend and cause a row between said friend and her DH?
d. The type that shoots her mouth off in a fit of anger?

The friends husband obviously showed the email to his wife so clearly isn’t hiding anything or planning something clandestine. And the friend doesn’t seem bothered so obviously trusts her dh and isn’t spying affairs lurking ahead. Sometimes people do get in touch after long periods- they just want to catch up and find out how the other person is doing. Of course she might be having a crisis of some sort (I know someone whose ex of about 15 yrs turned up, quite literally on the doorstep, with a bunch of flowers to try and rekindle a teen romance. His wife had died of cancer and left him with 3 small children and he was obviously struggling).

Huh?? I don’t get how it’s anything to do with you - or her, actually. How weird and paranoid!

Your friend is obviously secure in her relationship and trusts her DH. Men sometimes do keep it in their pants ffs. Your friends knows her husband better than anyone, including you. He shared a big part of his life with this lady so why not meet up?

Maybe you’re projecting your own insecurities onto your friend’s relationship.