Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I think my friend is deluded.

209 replies

T0getherindreams · 03/08/2019 10:50

Chatting to my (pretty much best) friend yesterday and she drops into conversation that her DH had received an email from his ex girlfriend.

For context, friend has been married to her DH for nearly 10 years. He was in a long term relationship with this ex for several years, I think they may even have owned a house together. But that relationship broke up about five years before my friend met her DH. So this ex girlfriend is from at least 15 years ago.

Anyway, there has been no contact between my friends DH and his ex in all that time. Save for this random email which was basically an introduction, a catch up about her life and attached were several photos of the ex girlfriends family (she's married with a child) her dog and even her back lawn.

The email was signed off with a phone number, and an invitation to meet up for a drink sometime and have a catch up. The ex apparently lives no far from my friend, same borough.

My friend didn't seem fazed and just basically mentioned it in passing as if her DH meeting his ex who he hasn't heard from in 15 years, was a perfectly normal thing to do Hmm

I pretty much told her to get a fucking grip, stop being so naieve and put a stop to this. Now.

Surely I'm not the only one who thinks this is madness. Nobody just sends a random email asking to meet their ex after 15 years. No unless they have something to gain. I said this ex sounds like shes having a mid life crisis and wants to recapture her youth. I'd be livid if some random ex started to try meeting up with my DH.

AIBU?

I left lunch feeling at a loss. Like I can see something really bad about to happen but cant stop it.

OP posts:
Runningonempty84 · 03/08/2019 16:43

An ex of mine recently got in touch via Insta, because he wanted to screw me.

Equally, I'm going out drinking tonight with another ex and his now-wife.

Both exes, two very different situations- because you know, everyone's different, all scenarios are different, and you can't generalise as to what people's motives are. OP, YABU and a paranoid oddball. If you were my mate I'd be seriously pissed off with you.

Coyoacan · 03/08/2019 16:46

Sexist I know, but women just dont do this sort of thing. No unless there's something in it

You know and understand all women, do you? I do that sort of thing and, yes, there is something in it, to catch up with someone I was close to for a few years.

I had a boyfriend who was a very important part of my life and a lovely person. We split up and for a long time after that were both single and friends. We had all the time in the world to get back together but we didn't because we didn't want to.

Why should either of us having a partner mean that we can't keep in touch?

marvellousnightforamooncup · 03/08/2019 16:52

I'd be like your friend OP. I'm secure enough in my marriage, I trust dh. If he wanted to catch up with an ex I wouldn't mind as I'm sure nothing would happen.

On the flip side, if I didn't trust him, I wouldn't stop him either. He'd be welcome to fuck off with his ex because I wouldn't be interested in a relationship without trust.

Coyoacan · 03/08/2019 16:53

For reference, I am a bloke in my mid-forties, so maybe the 'generational' issue is relevant here

Maybe it is. The younger generation are so bloody jealous and possessive.

crisscrosscranky · 03/08/2019 16:54

Posters with long term friends of the opposite sex- surely you can see that's different from an ex you're not in contact with?

If you can't see the difference head over to Relationships and read a few threads.

Seemstress · 03/08/2019 16:55

It's a positive trait that you have such concern for your friend and what might be an ulterior motive but just let her and her DH deal with it. If she is fine with It, no problem .

Having said that, I would find it slightly strange if my DP's ex from 20 years ago suddenly popped up out if the blue as she has pretty much disappeared off the face of the earth, no online presence etc...it would just be odd but I wouldn't throw a hissy unless there was actual evidence of something.

Best to let them get on with it and be there for your friend if she needs you if things don't turn out for the best.

Coyoacan · 03/08/2019 16:55

I guess im just not part of the cool wives club

Since when has trusting your husband or your partner been something to be sneered at. I personally could not be with a man who didn't trust me or that I couldn't trust.

Greeborising · 03/08/2019 16:57

Well I’m with op here.
It’s a potentially dangerous situation. As for op’s turn of phrase, as some felt she was offensive and rude to her friend, I would probably say the same to my best pal. The relationship I have with her is such that we would be brutally honest with each other and not be offended.
(Not the same with all my friends mind)
Any ex pitching up after 15 years asking to meet with him alone is suspicious. Why not both couples meet?
There’s a reason why we don’t keep in contact with some people.
Personally, I think op’s friend is lucky to have her.
She’s got her back

Wishihad · 03/08/2019 17:06

Since when has trusting your husband or your partner been something to be sneered at.

When it's become a way of justifying controlling your partner.

mussolini9 · 03/08/2019 17:06

You're right @Greeborising, that is truly shocking:

asking to meet with him alone is suspicious.
EXCEPT IT DIDN'T HAPPEN.

A meeting hasn't even been arranged, let alone decisions made about whether partners/kids will also be introduced to each other.

Allfednonedead · 03/08/2019 17:07

Hmm. When my ex who I hadn’t seen for ten years was rehearsing near where I live, I texted him to see if he wanted to meet for a coffee.
It was a pleasant meeting - he met my twins (I was on ML) and showed me pics of his DC. He hadn’t changed much, but I realised how much I had, and am very glad I’m no longer with him.
I also no longer feel much curiosity about his life.
Is that such a strange interaction?

CamdenLoaf · 03/08/2019 17:13

Posters with long term friends of the opposite sex- surely you can see that's different from an ex you're not in contact with?

Well, someone people appear to think that all that is required is genitals and opportunity.

Two exes got back in touch with DH after years of no contact he got a high-profile job which was reported in the media in our home town, which may have been what prompted it and no one screwed anyone, they had fun reminiscing and they see one another occasionally still. Everyone is married with children.

It never occurred to me to start issuing edicts about not fucking someone he'd dumped, or who had dumped him (I think one he dumped, one dumped him, but I think no broken hearts) the best part of 20 years earlier. I don't think anyone normally well-balanced is that insecure.

WorraLiberty · 03/08/2019 17:21

You've gotta love Mumsnet Grin

Only 3 posts in and "cool wives" get a mention

Roughly translated, it seems if you're a confident woman who isn't a paranoid control freak, you have to be a 'cool wife'.

MaeveDidIt · 03/08/2019 17:22

YANBU

mussolini9 · 03/08/2019 17:28

PooWillyBumBum - I realise your post is innocent but that is how affairs start.

Oh FFS, The Controllers Club is out in force today.
If people would take the simple step of not viewing their spouse as personal property, & other women as competitors for that property, you could probably release the death grip you have on your pearls.

GrandTheftWalrus · 03/08/2019 17:31

@camdenloaf

I'll never get rid of the email address. It's a personal one to the point I even own the domain name its attached to.

TuesdaySunshine · 03/08/2019 17:34

Funny how these ex's who crawl out of the woodwork never suggest to bring partners along to these 'catch ups'.

Don't they? How do you know they don't? If I had got around to meeting up with the ex I posted about upthread I would have been very happy for my partner to meet him. They might have got along. They look quite alike, which they might have found amusing (or not, of course). I don't need to meet his wife because I already have - she was my replacement (no overlap) and I met her years ago under perfectly civilised circumstances.

I have to say, I think this thread is mainly inducing people to paint a picture unwittingly of the state of their own relationships - either adult and secure, or small-minded and controlling. I suspect it's a self-fulfilling prophecy when someone in a claustrophobic relationship ends up cheating.

HotChocolateLover · 03/08/2019 17:35

He may have told the ex to bog off! Tbh, if the husband wants to have an affair then he’ll do it with whoever he wants so just wind your neck in. Sweet that you care though.

Andysbestadventure · 03/08/2019 17:37

Christ there are some batshit wives on here. Your husband isn't your property ffs. You can't tell him what and what not to do.

You either trust him, or you don't.

Also if that does happen, the OW is not someone to blame. It lies 100% with the married party. He's not going to slip, trip and land cock first in her vagina by accident.

StumpyinSomerset · 03/08/2019 17:39

Did he suggest you meet up for a drink...just the two of you?

Yes.

We just caught up on the years we hadn't seen each other,had a good time with plenty of laughing.

Then we both went our separate ways.
Yes his wife knew - it was her who suggested we have a catch up.

Skyejuly · 03/08/2019 17:40

Wtf she isnt deluded lol

mussolini9 · 03/08/2019 17:42

It's a shame and it's bloody heteronormative. For those women who think it's always a red flag if their partner had a friend of the opposite sex - what do you genuinely suggest bisexuals do?!

I'm sorry to be the one to break this to you @gregoire, & you may feel some natural jealousy compared with people who are only banned from socialising with 50% of the population, but this madness must be stopped now, & I think you know what you have to do. It's a 100% ban on human contact for you.

Apart from your husband, you must be wary of any unauthorised contact with any person. They may present male. They may present female. They may be either, both or none of these. If they are also bisexual I'm not sure you'd have the willpower to walk away or remember your love for your husband: for the love of Dog don't succumb to this insanity!

I'm not sure it's even safe chatting with you on an internet forum.
I've seen your username before, see, & that means ... We Have A Past, right?
Aaaaw dammit, it's too late, I'm starting to fancy my chances!!!
If I email you a pic of my kids & back garden (ooer missus), can we go on a date?

Yours batshittily
The Control Dept.

Rainonmyguitar · 03/08/2019 17:49

Don't they? How do you know they don't?

Because the OP would have mentioned it. If you're going to tell me that you know 300 people that DID invite the partners, I'm not interested. I was talking about the ones who DON'T.

mussolini9 · 03/08/2019 17:56

Because the OP would have mentioned it. If you're going to tell me that you know 300 people that DID invite the partners, I'm not interested. I was talking about the ones who DON'T.

Of course you are, because you only want to accept facts which fit your constructed narrative, so you are perfectly happy to ignore any fact that might disagree.

There's a poster just upthread stoutly maintaining that the OP's DH's ex "asked to meet with him alone". The OP didn't mention that either. Wanna know why? - because it never happened! It isn't true!
But it's interesting to see how far people are prepared to go to fabricate a response that accords with their worldview, rather than, oh I dunno ... accepting FACTS.

StillCoughingandLaughing · 03/08/2019 18:02

If they've had no contact for 15 years - how did she get his email address?

I’m pretty sure I’ve had my email address for 15 years. I’ve had the same mobile number since 1998.

In any case, is it beyond the realms of possibility that she asked a mutual friend if they had the address?

Swipe left for the next trending thread