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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I think my friend is deluded.

209 replies

T0getherindreams · 03/08/2019 10:50

Chatting to my (pretty much best) friend yesterday and she drops into conversation that her DH had received an email from his ex girlfriend.

For context, friend has been married to her DH for nearly 10 years. He was in a long term relationship with this ex for several years, I think they may even have owned a house together. But that relationship broke up about five years before my friend met her DH. So this ex girlfriend is from at least 15 years ago.

Anyway, there has been no contact between my friends DH and his ex in all that time. Save for this random email which was basically an introduction, a catch up about her life and attached were several photos of the ex girlfriends family (she's married with a child) her dog and even her back lawn.

The email was signed off with a phone number, and an invitation to meet up for a drink sometime and have a catch up. The ex apparently lives no far from my friend, same borough.

My friend didn't seem fazed and just basically mentioned it in passing as if her DH meeting his ex who he hasn't heard from in 15 years, was a perfectly normal thing to do Hmm

I pretty much told her to get a fucking grip, stop being so naieve and put a stop to this. Now.

Surely I'm not the only one who thinks this is madness. Nobody just sends a random email asking to meet their ex after 15 years. No unless they have something to gain. I said this ex sounds like shes having a mid life crisis and wants to recapture her youth. I'd be livid if some random ex started to try meeting up with my DH.

AIBU?

I left lunch feeling at a loss. Like I can see something really bad about to happen but cant stop it.

OP posts:
TanMateix · 03/08/2019 13:14

It can be a sordid thing if either of the parties are looking at rekindling a past relationship.

I suppose your friend trusts her husband and relationship enough not to worry about an old friend meeting her man. Now, if she is being a tiny bit flirty.... yes you are right to warn her... a bit. I suspect they will spend the time talking about the kids and trying to figure out what has gone on other old friends’ lives.

ohdearmymistake · 03/08/2019 13:16

Why the sudden need to contact an ex? Stinks of mid life crisis affair to me

The ex could have cancer or some terminal illness and just want to know how the people that were in her life are doing are they happy etc.

CoolWivesClub2019 · 03/08/2019 13:40

It’s quite comical reading the thread...the heated replies are from those that see no issue with this from what I can see.

Many of the posters posting ‘heatedly’ seem to have no problem with their Oh meeting up with exes and claim their Oh has no issue with them doing the same. The overall tone is that they trust their Oh 100% and find it quite pathetic and sad that not everyone has such a wonderful trusting relationship and that someone could be so...what was it...’needy and paranoid’...as to have concerns in this situation.

I think the term ‘cool wives’ applies perfectly to this mindset, misogynistic though it may seem to some 🤷🏻‍♀️

No one is infallible. No one...no matter how difficult that may be for some to accept. The relationships board is full of those who trusted their partners implicitly and learnt the error of this.

No matter how much you trust your partner, people are human. Meeting up with an old flame, reminiscing, having shared history and possibly still finding them attractive after a few years...it’s got potential red flags all over it.

If you can’t accept that then I personally think you’re naiive.

If you ARE sensible and practical enough to accept that there are ‘risks’ but go along with it...that’s what makes you a cool wife 😎

DryIce · 03/08/2019 13:53

If that is what constitutes a risk, shouldnt we stop our husbands doing any hobby, having friends, even working - all places he is likely to meet like-minded women with similar interests

TwistyTop · 03/08/2019 14:02

Sounds off to me and I wouldn't be happy about it, but ultimately it's none of your business. If your friend isn't bothered by it then leave her to it. Either you're wrong and you come out looking paranoid and shit stirring, or you're right and she won't want to hear it anyway.

joyfullittlehippo · 03/08/2019 14:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ToEarlyForDecorations · 03/08/2019 14:10

We had a great time, got completely pissed and laughed loads. I then went home to my husband and he to his DP of 8 years. I hope to do it again sometime

PooWillyBumBum - I realise your post is innocent but that is how affairs start.

There's a thread about a mum to a ten year old daughter presently. Mum's husband has left her for a previous partner who is pregnant with his baby. The ten year old is his. However, the girlfriend gives BBJE - best blow job ever to him. But not when the baby was conceived obvs.

InTheHeatofLisbon · 03/08/2019 14:12

I disagree Coolwives and in fact being branded a "cool wife" makes my teeth itch in the same way that being branded cisgender does.

I don't own DP, he doesn't own me. We trust each other, because a relationship without trust and respect is dead in the water.

We're not cool anything, I'm not one of those people who feels the need to label fucking everything in a patronising tone.

Thank fuck.

BogglesGoggles · 03/08/2019 14:16

I take it your friend has more self esteem than you do. Lots of people are in contact with old flames platonically. It’s perfectly normal.

1forAll74 · 03/08/2019 14:16

You are being too paranoid,and overly suspicious about this email you have been told about. A lot of women these days,seem to be insecure, and just read too much into things like this.

People sometimes might wan't to meet up with an old partner after many years,and there is nothing wrong with this.

midsummabreak · 03/08/2019 14:18

Its likely they have both moved on , as others say, and just share special memories I see no harm in being nostalgic , so long as they are both clear that was then and this is now.

MyOtherProfile · 03/08/2019 14:18

Would be nice if the dh said great, I'll bring my wife so you can meet her too.

TuesdaySunshine · 03/08/2019 14:21

There's a thread about a mum to a ten year old daughter presently. Mum's husband has left her for a previous partner who is pregnant with his baby. The ten year old is his. However, the girlfriend gives BBJE - best blow job ever to him. But not when the baby was conceived obvs.

That thread is a completely different scenario. The ex was a woman that the DH had never got over losing and when contact was rekindled it became immediately sexually inappropriate, shortly followed by the ex moving to the same town the DH regularly worked played away in. It bears no comparison to the situation this OP describes.

Beautiful3 · 03/08/2019 14:31

I think it's a nono. It's weird. I would not be happy if my husband met up with an ex.

AngelasAshes · 03/08/2019 14:31

Honestly I see no issue with this or with him meeting up with his ex.
They are both married, at least one happily so (the DH) so nothing will happen.
Many ex’s were friends first and after a split go back to being friends.
I think you are being paranoid and a bit old fashioned tbh. Married men can have female friends as married women can have male friends.

Gregoire · 03/08/2019 14:38

No matter how much you trust your partner, people are human. Meeting up with an old flame, reminiscing, having shared history and possibly still finding them attractive after a few years...it’s got potential red flags all over it.

Gosh, you're right. I hadn't considered it this way. But come to think of it, my husband also works with attractive women, and sometimes he socialises work his colleagues after work. He's also a member of a tennis club which has female members, and he has been known to go to club dinners where he might get the opportunity to have a one to one chat with a lady.

I think the only possible solution to this conundrum is to make sure he never leaves the house without me.

JMG1234 · 03/08/2019 14:47

I've just come back from a weekend staying with my ex. There were a couple of other male and female friends there, also without their partners. Equally, I've stayed with him on my own, and sometimes with my kids. My husband is more than happy to play and watch cricket all weekend without feeling guilty! My friend lives by the sea so it's lovely to get a change of scene.
My husband often goes to lunch with a female work friend. Equally, I enjoy catching up with my male friends. They are just that...friends. I think it's a bit of a shame when a man and woman (whether exes or not) can't enjoy each other's company without innuendos from other people. Perhaps it's a generational thing as I think my mum finds it slightly odd when either of us go out for dinner with a friend of the opposite sex.

Gregoire · 03/08/2019 14:57

I think it's a bit of a shame when a man and woman (whether exes or not) can't enjoy each other's company without innuendos from other people.

It's a shame and it's bloody heteronormative. I'm bisexual, but my husband has no problem with me having very close female friendships, going away with those friends, sharing a bed, etc etc etc. I manage to do all of that without cheating on my partner because I am faithful to him, love and want only him, and would never cheat.

For those women who think it's always a red flag if their partner had a friend of the opposite sex - what do you genuinely suggest bisexuals do?!

Aridane · 03/08/2019 15:00

I guess im just not part of the cool wives club

No , just past of the Paranoid Pricks Parade

HJWT2 · 03/08/2019 15:05

Why you would want your DH meeting up with someone he was fucking for years is beyond me...

Aridane · 03/08/2019 15:10

(part, not past)

Aridane · 03/08/2019 15:12

Hmm - is it just me who finds the reference to the photograph of her 'back lawn' terribly suggestive ,

TroysMammy · 03/08/2019 15:15

My exh pops over for a chat every so often. My current DP doesn't have a problem with this.

I also have an ex who is now a plumber and if I need any jobs doing I ring him. He does his work, we have a laugh, I pay him and he's gone for months/years at a time.

lovesmarties · 03/08/2019 15:28

On, no, I would not be up for this, at all.

Were I the husband, I'd very respectfully decline the ex's offer. The past is the past. I'd consider it extraordinarily disrespectful to go for a drink / film / meal, etc. with another woman.

For reference, I am a bloke in my mid-forties, so maybe the 'generational' issue is relevant here.

Yestermo · 03/08/2019 15:37

I meet up with my teenage boyfriend every few years. usually our partners and kids come sometimes they don't. Hi was with him for 5 years and loved the time we had together. No way would either of us want to have an affair.

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