I think my friend is deluded.

[T0getherindreams]

Chatting to my (pretty much best) friend yesterday and she drops into conversation that her DH had received an email from his ex girlfriend.

For context, friend has been married to her DH for nearly 10 years. He was in a long term relationship with this ex for several years, I think they may even have owned a house together. But that relationship broke up about five years before my friend met her DH. So this ex girlfriend is from at least 15 years ago.

Anyway, there has been no contact between my friends DH and his ex in all that time. Save for this random email which was basically an introduction, a catch up about her life and attached were several photos of the ex girlfriends family (she's married with a child) her dog and even her back lawn.

The email was signed off with a phone number, and an invitation to meet up for a drink sometime and have a catch up. The ex apparently lives no far from my friend, same borough.

My friend didn't seem fazed and just basically mentioned it in passing as if her DH meeting his ex who he hasn't heard from in 15 years, was a perfectly normal thing to do

I pretty much told her to get a fucking grip, stop being so naieve and put a stop to this. Now.

Surely I'm not the only one who thinks this is madness. Nobody just sends a random email asking to meet their ex after 15 years. No unless they have something to gain. I said this ex sounds like shes having a mid life crisis and wants to recapture her youth. I'd be livid if some random ex started to try meeting up with my DH.

AIBU?

I left lunch feeling at a loss. Like I can see something really bad about to happen but cant stop it.

Why you would want your DH meeting up with someone he was fucking for years is beyond me
It isn't about wanting it. It's about excepting it isn't OK to control who someone is and isn't allowed to see and not assuming that every one will cheat with anyone willing at the first opportunity

I've just come back from a weekend staying with my ex. There were a couple of other male and female friends there, also without their partners. Equally, I've stayed with him on my own, and sometimes with my kids. My husband is more than happy to play and watch cricket all weekend without feeling guilty!

Do you really think this is ‘normal’ and run of the mill?

I can just imagine dh’s face if I casually dropped in that I was going away for a few days to stay with (ex) alone 😂

It’s so far removed from simply having lunch with a friend of the opposite sex (which I think your post also mentions) I don’t even know where to begin.

Everyone is different, I don't make any judgement as to what is "normal".
But equally my husband and I don't differentiate between whether our friends are male or female. Because that's all they are, friends. Nothing more, nothing less.

Ultimately we all set boundaries within a relationship that work for that couple. I wouldn't criticise someone for having a different set of boundaries to us, that's up to them.

I was talking to DPs friend (female) about this thread and she reminded me (jokingly) that they're exes from the distant past. I'd forgotten because they were only teenagers at the time, and she and I are actually closer than her and DP!

She's still in the military and so is her husband and we all regularly meet up.

If her and her dh are having open and honest dialogue about it then its fone and frankly none of your business. Plenty of posters will be along to tell you there is nothing wrong with reminiscing and exs can be friends, which is all fair and well.

I on the other hand think happily married people should be living in the now and not wondering about the past, to the extent that they would try to contact an ex. If she was a friend of mine I would have said the same, she should be aware of any changes of behaviour on his part. Not that she shouldn't trust her partner, she should but no harm in having your wits about you. Yanbu x

Honestly OP, it's your language that is the problem here. 'Fucking naive' 'deluded' 'get a grip'.

If you'd said that the ex had contacted him and AIBU to think this is a bit odd and be suspicious of her intentions? You'd have a mix of people agreeing with you and telling you it's none of your business.

So if it helps to have an ex-girlfriend's perspective, here's mine. I've got in touch with ex-boyfriends before with no ulterior motive. I don't find it weird at all. I loved them. We spend lots of time together and they know me super well (so can often be honest when others can't.) It didn't work our romantically but there's no reason why that can't mean friendship! I even had one ex over for the Christmas holidays when his family was having a bad time of things.

I've never had any interest in rekindling dead romances though. I'm very happy with my DH and always make that crystal clear as it sounds like your friend's DP's ex did.

OP, I wouldn't care to inhabit your world. Too much insecurity and paranoia.

Hmm I got a visit from an ex out of the blue years ago from someone who had dumped me seven years before when he went back to him own country to do his legal training. No contact since. I think he got the shock of his life when he found me married with a two year old. I felt he wanted a friendship more than anything but to be honest I didn’t contact him again nor he me, this was 20 years ago.

I doubt it is a wish to rekindle an affair. May well be curiousity or a wish to reminisce.

God I hate how anyone who has some trust in their dh and doesnt attempt to control them is labelled 'cool wife'.

It's like people just cant understand that some people have a different point of view.

Wether I would be bothered or not would depend on my relationship and how it was

No matter how much you trust your partner, people are human. Meeting up with an old flame, reminiscing, having shared history and possibly still finding them attractive after a few years...it’s got potential red flags all over it.

You're quite right. It would be such a terrible risk to allow your other half to fraternise with their exes or, indeed, anyone of the gender to which they are attracted. Because, of course, everyone is only ever a hair's breadth from leaping into bed with someone else and it is only the precise control of circumstances and/or the opportunities available to them that prevents this.

Sheesh, are you Mike Pence?

There is no knowing why this person's ex wants to meet them. Maybe they've had some bad news - a death of someone they knew and they want to tell them in person, or maybe ill health. Maybe they want apologise for something they now realise they did wrong. Maybe they've had some sort of life-changing event and they want to reconnect with people with whom they've lost contact. Maybe they want to revisit a certain part of their life. The list is almost endless and all-but-one are "Because she wants to tempt him away from his partner with lurid photographs of her rear foliage".

If my partner wanted to stop me meeting an ex I'd be absolutely furious as well as questioning my relationship with someone who trusted me so little.

Oh and I think OP is completely unreasonable. She has no right to tell someone else what they should or shoildnt find acceptable in her marriage.

"surely happily married people don't message their ex partners from 15 years ago?"

In my experience they don't, unless there is a crisis happening and they want something from their ex.

IME, it always leads to, an emotional affair, at the very least.

I suppose how much time on your hands, you have, makes a difference.

What will he cancel to meet up with her? Time with the children, her, either side of the family, jobs in the house, long standing friends?

It's very different if you remain in the friendship circle and there's a natural continuation of contact after splitting.

You know, she can really very well be on that other thread😂 About people wondering what happened to people from their past😂

An ex of mine from 30+ years ago added me on facebook a year or two ago. He's not long got married and I'm friends with his wife who's a lovely person. Now I know he's obviously wanting an affair with me - I best tell his wife pmsl

I understand where you are coming from. Was the invite to friend’s dh alone, or friend and dh? If the latter, then that’s not so bad.

I think ‘friendly’ someone on Facebook is more informal, than an email inviting you out.

Funny how these ex's who crawl out of the woodwork never suggest to bring partners along to these 'catch ups'.

An ex of mine from 30+ years ago added me on facebook a year or two ago. He's not long got married and I'm friends with his wife who's a lovely person. Now I know he's obviously wanting an affair with me - I best tell his wife pmsl

Not actually the same thing. Did he suggest you meet up for a drink...just the two of you?

I think it's fine to alert your friend to your suspicions that it might be a ruse to see how the land lies, but you must leave it up to her to decide how she wants to deal with the situation. Telling her what to do isn't really on as she's an adult and your friend, so you should trust her to do what's right for her. If she chooses to ignore your advice, you need to accept that graciously and still be a good friend.

Many years ago when I was still with my ex, his previous ex got in touch out of the blue, sent him a long letter about how well she was doing etc. but I felt a sense of unease and told him I think she wants to get back with you. He replied to her letter saying he had a new partner but was happy to meet her for a chat and she replied very quickly making it clear she wanted him back, knew he was the one, they were meant to be, etc....

I just can't get my head around it.

Problem solved then because it's none of your business.

I pretty much told her to get a fucking grip

Sounds like you need to take your own advice.

I just remembered that my MIL was contacted by an ex who she broke up with over 60 years ago. He got her number from directory enquiries and called her when he saw FILs death notice in the paper. She went to see him and his wife and a good time was had by all. DH and SIL went along too. They took a photo of them holding hands a really lovely picture - not a sexual thing but an old friendship. Not always an ulterior motive.

Probably off topic now but I've had the same email address since 2003. So 16 years. If anyone had it at that time they could email me.

I'd consider it extraordinarily disrespectful to go for a drink / film / meal, etc. with another woman.

For reference, I am a bloke in my mid-forties, so maybe the 'generational' issue is relevant here.

I'm a married woman in my mid-forties and one of my closest friends is a man, also married, in his early 50s -- we go out for dinner all the time. Without the air simmering with sexual tension or anyone falling into anyone else's underwear.

I've been with DH for so long that to meet an ex of mine I'd have to be looking at secondary school boyfriends (!), but DH is still certainly on friendly terms with two of his exes, and will see them for a drink or dinner if they coincide in London, and my friend had an ex from about fifteen years ago to stay with him and his family last year, as she now lives abroad.

I don't think any of this is terribly unusual. And I agree categorically with @gregoire's take on the expression 'cool wife'.

Probably off topic now but I've had the same email address since 2003. So 16 years. If anyone had it at that time they could email me.

I'm much more struck by the longevity of your email address than I am about the OP's friend's DH's ex getting in touch.

I’m in touch with old boyfriends. We go out and have a drink or a meal, just the two of us. Sometimes my DH and his DW come along as well, and we go round to each other’s houses and babysit each other’s children too.