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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think ex's wife doesn't like my son!

243 replies

shonapops · 03/08/2019 09:55

She's been in ds life since he was about 18 months old. As soon as I felt comfortable with her being round ds I thought she was really nice. Ds enjoyed time with her and it meant my ex could spend more time with ds as she could help with childcare. Ds was always happy around her. Now he is 5 and it's changed.

She's looked after ds a couple of days over summer and he's come home saying he hasn't enjoyed himself and she keeps telling him off.

Now I know ds is hard work, but aren't all 5 year olds? I call him a tornado but all he's friends are the same. And her dcs are abit older too so I'm sure she knows.

I ask ds if she tells off any of her own dcs - she has 3 but one is a baby and he says no. He's the only one that gets told off. The eldest one has special needs so I know that it's probably different with her telling him off.

I asked ds what he is being told off for and it's because he's made a mess or is being too rough with the baby. He also didn't like the lunch she made but said she wouldn't make anything else for him. I know it must be hard having 4 kids in the house but I'm a bit concerned my ds is being treated unfairly! He's not being really naughty and he's coming home saying he's been bored all day and not had fun at all and just been shouted at.

Also....ds just went around for tea the other night and I was supposed to collect him later. I rang my ex to suggest ds could sleep there to spend more time with my ex and I would collect ds the next day after work. My ex told me he couldn't sleep as his wife had plans - a day out somewhere - and wasn't willing to take ds. On the days she has ds, they just seem to be stuck at home and she takes her own dcs out on seperate days. It would be nice for my ds to be included more! I really feel she just doesn't like him. He should be included in the family.

I do appreciate everything she does and I know she must have her hands full but I just feel ds is being treated unfairly and I don't know what to do about it! Shall I say something to my ex? Don't really want any friction.

I've used all my holidays up so I'm struggling for childcare this summer hols. My ex has also used his up over Easter and half terms. I know he has to take some holidays over Christmas too which doesn't leave him with any. But he has told me he has a week left which I've asked if he could use over the days I'm struggling with in summer but he's told me no as he's saving them to have a week away with his wife which has annoyed me also. I need his help!

She is looking after ds one day next week and he's telling me he doesn't want to go but I have no one else to look after him. I've suggested he be a good boy and really try hard while he is there and then maybe he will get a treat?

What shall I say to my ex if anything? I like his wife and yes I know she helps out so much. I do appreciate it and am thankful. But ds is just not happy.

OP posts:
Teddybear45 · 03/08/2019 09:59

Tell your ex to make more of an effort to spend 1-2-1 time with him. Your DS goes there for him not his wife.

Original poster
shonapops · 03/08/2019 10:00

@Teddybear45 well he does to be fair. It's just in these summer holidays where I struggle and he can't help me!

OP posts:
Greeve · 03/08/2019 10:01

I think you need to stop relying on her for childcare and your ex needs to prioritise his children's welfare over holidays with his wife. All annual leave needs to go on childcare at this point, it seems.

This is what I mean about understanding your own availability. Now he's added another child on top of the kid he has already, he has no resources left to sustain the relationship unless he takes from the kids.

TheJoxter · 03/08/2019 10:02

With regards to only going places when your DS isn’t there, do they have a big enough car to fit all the kids in? If both adults are going then 3 kids will fit in a 5 seat car but 4 kids won’t.

I wouldn’t make a separate lunch for one child out of four if they didn’t like what I’d made.

If he doesn’t want to be told off for making mess and being rough with the baby then he should tidy up after himself and be gentle with the baby!

Thehop · 03/08/2019 10:04

You can’t make her like him, or expect her to be responsible for more childcare.

It’s hard, o could t be unkind to a child but I don’t see what you can do other than find a holiday club. If you and ex were a couple she would run be an option?

S1naidSucks · 03/08/2019 10:05

Stop using the poor bloody woman as childcare! If you think she’s good enough to be your free childcare, then she’s good enough to discipline your child. She has a young baby, as well as a child with disabilities, another child and her husband’s ex is using her for free childcare to facilitate her working. No wonder the woman is stressed. Did it ever occur to you, that she might be struggling? It’s all about what you expect from her and how she can be of benefit to you. She has a different way of parenting and you’ve already admitted that your child can be a handful.

BanginChoons · 03/08/2019 10:05

Holiday club and you and ex share the cost?

It sounds to me like she is struggling with 3 and sometimes 4 young children. Does she actually get a say in whether she can manage your son as well, or is that something which is decided between you and your ex?

Original poster
shonapops · 03/08/2019 10:05

@Greeve totally! He has a week left but wants it with his wife. He gets 5 weeks a year. I asked him to have a week on both half terms which he did and the one week of Easter which he did. He has one week at Christmas which leaves him with one week which I need him to have for summer! Like I say, I have no holidays left but he does! I mean he's good as he has ds every bank holiday etc etc. I can't really fault him as a dad but 6 weeks is a long time for me to sort something!

OP posts:
Star801 · 03/08/2019 10:05

Sounds like it’s too much for her if she already has a baby and a child with special needs. I think your ex needs to step up here. I would stop using her as a babysitter and their relationship will probably go back to being more fun and carefree.

InTheHeatofLisbon · 03/08/2019 10:05

I think telling him off for being too rough with the baby is fair enough, I'd do the same whether they were my child or my stepchild.

It sounds like you and your ex are quite happy to consider her free childcare through the summer without actually asking her?

That could cause resentment, and with 4 kids, one a baby and one with ASN, on her own for long periods I can see why she's stressed!

It sounds like both of you are thinking about what you need without considering your child or your ex's wife.

I'm a SM and also mother of a child who has a SM, it wouldn't even occur to me to use SM as childcare. I've had DSDs while DP is at work, but if it was expected without consulting me I wouldn't be happy.

Have you spoken to her about it? Because so far all you have is a 5 yo version of events, but it would be interesting to hear her side too?

I think you need to find alternative childcare if I'm honest, or his Dad needs to step up.

Star801 · 03/08/2019 10:06

By their relationship I mean the wife and your DS btw.

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 03/08/2019 10:06

If I was her I think I would struggle with 4 kids especially if they included an older child with SEN and a baby! I'd be at a loss with what to do with them all that they'd all enjoy and also getting them anywhere would be a nightmare. Unless you have a people carrier it would be hard to go anywhere as getting on and off public transport with 4 could be tricky and 4 is also hard to control safely walking next to busy roads

TheInvestigator · 03/08/2019 10:06

Reading that, I thought it must be a reverse.

He gets told off for being too rough with a baby? Of course he gets told off. He needs to learn.

He gets told she won't cook a separate meal for him? I'd do the same. You eat what you're given and she's cooking for kids so the meal won't be disgusting "adult" food.

How would she get 4 kids in the car if she took them all out for the day? They had plans. The agreement was the boy would be there for the evening, not overnight. You can't change the plan then get pissy when they say no.

I'm thinking of this through the lens of a 5 year old and I think they havnt treated him badly. They just expect him to eat his food and not hurt the baby. Teach your kid to behave. My 5 year olds weren't "tornados". They knew how to behave. They are the food that was made for them. They weren't rough with babies. It sounds like her kids behave so don't get told off. Your kid doesn't behave so gets told off.

Banangana · 03/08/2019 10:07

You need to find alternative childcare and ask your ex to help contribute towards the cost.

herculepoirot2 · 03/08/2019 10:07

If you expect her to parent your son, you need to let her parent your son. If he gets told off for being rough or making a mess, that’s her prerogative.

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 03/08/2019 10:08

Also I wouldn't be cooking something different for one child. Maybe your ex could take some holiday and spend it with his child?

StrawberryCrunch · 03/08/2019 10:08

Nothing in your posts really jumps out at me as her not liking your son.

If you rely on someone for childcare I think you have to accept that they will discipline your child if necessary.

I wouldn't make lunch for everyone and make something else if my SC decided they didn't like it. It's happened before, they've eww'd at something (fairly standard) that I've made for tea. I'm not getting up and making something else!

Are you sure it's not just that your son is upset because he got told off?

FlossieTeacakesFurCoat18 · 03/08/2019 10:09

It sounds like she's getting sick of being lumbered with the childcare that you and your ex can't do beteeen you. If she's got three of her own, one a baby and one with special needs I can sympathise with her not wanting to add in a lively 5 year old who isn't hers and is a bit of a handful when it comes to being rough with the baby... I wouldn't be planning lots of days out with 4 kids either!

And when you're supposed to pick him up after tea but instead suggest he should stay over and you'll get him after work the next day - so maybe approaching 24 hours later than the original pick up time?) I'm not surprised she makes herself unavailable. It's exactly what she be advised to do if she posted on here! 😆

mummmy2017 · 03/08/2019 10:09

What is the agreement?

When is daddy supposed to have his son?

S1naidSucks · 03/08/2019 10:09

He has a week left but wants it with his wife. Wtf? Are you for real? You sound completely self obsessed and treat his wife like unpaid labour. This is also his FAMILY. You are nearly his ex and the father of his child. They, especially her, seem to be doing their very best and you begrudge her having time with her husband and children. JFC!

lifebegins50 · 03/08/2019 10:10

It could be that the dynamics have changed since the baby, your ds could be more attention seeking if he was the youngest previously and the wife could be feeling more protective over a baby and tired.

I don't think it is in anyway her responsibility for childcare of your son, what did you do for care last year when I assume he wasn't in school?

Can you sort out childcare, if he has energy then a playcentee would be ideal for him? Most people struggle with this and in some ways you are more fortunate that by having his holiday & yours separately childcare is less of an issue.

Greeve · 03/08/2019 10:11

I don't think he should have it with his wife if he has a child that requires childcare

S1naidSucks · 03/08/2019 10:11

*merely his ex

BackOnceAgainWithABurnerEmail · 03/08/2019 10:11

She’s bent over backwards for you and you still want more. Pay for childcare (or take unpaid leave if you work offers it) like everyone else. The f course they’re stuck inside, corralling 4 children inc one with SN and a baby in this heat? No thanks. Car wouldn’t be big enough.

Yab really U and so if your ex.

StrawberryCrunch · 03/08/2019 10:13

Now I know ds is hard work, but aren't all 5 year olds?

And all 5 year olds get told off at some point too. Usually most days!