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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think ex's wife doesn't like my son!

243 replies

shonapops · 03/08/2019 09:55

She's been in ds life since he was about 18 months old. As soon as I felt comfortable with her being round ds I thought she was really nice. Ds enjoyed time with her and it meant my ex could spend more time with ds as she could help with childcare. Ds was always happy around her. Now he is 5 and it's changed.

She's looked after ds a couple of days over summer and he's come home saying he hasn't enjoyed himself and she keeps telling him off.

Now I know ds is hard work, but aren't all 5 year olds? I call him a tornado but all he's friends are the same. And her dcs are abit older too so I'm sure she knows.

I ask ds if she tells off any of her own dcs - she has 3 but one is a baby and he says no. He's the only one that gets told off. The eldest one has special needs so I know that it's probably different with her telling him off.

I asked ds what he is being told off for and it's because he's made a mess or is being too rough with the baby. He also didn't like the lunch she made but said she wouldn't make anything else for him. I know it must be hard having 4 kids in the house but I'm a bit concerned my ds is being treated unfairly! He's not being really naughty and he's coming home saying he's been bored all day and not had fun at all and just been shouted at.

Also....ds just went around for tea the other night and I was supposed to collect him later. I rang my ex to suggest ds could sleep there to spend more time with my ex and I would collect ds the next day after work. My ex told me he couldn't sleep as his wife had plans - a day out somewhere - and wasn't willing to take ds. On the days she has ds, they just seem to be stuck at home and she takes her own dcs out on seperate days. It would be nice for my ds to be included more! I really feel she just doesn't like him. He should be included in the family.

I do appreciate everything she does and I know she must have her hands full but I just feel ds is being treated unfairly and I don't know what to do about it! Shall I say something to my ex? Don't really want any friction.

I've used all my holidays up so I'm struggling for childcare this summer hols. My ex has also used his up over Easter and half terms. I know he has to take some holidays over Christmas too which doesn't leave him with any. But he has told me he has a week left which I've asked if he could use over the days I'm struggling with in summer but he's told me no as he's saving them to have a week away with his wife which has annoyed me also. I need his help!

She is looking after ds one day next week and he's telling me he doesn't want to go but I have no one else to look after him. I've suggested he be a good boy and really try hard while he is there and then maybe he will get a treat?

What shall I say to my ex if anything? I like his wife and yes I know she helps out so much. I do appreciate it and am thankful. But ds is just not happy.

OP posts:
jasmine1971 · 03/08/2019 10:41

OP have you actually spoken to her directly and not through your ex? I think she would really welcome this.
When you do have some time off, could you take her children for a day as well, to give her a break from the childcare. I am sure she would really appreciate it. This would also give you some insight into the dynamics between the children, whilst also enabling your DS to build his relationship with his step siblings.

brightfutureahead · 03/08/2019 10:43

Ds enjoyed time with her and it meant my ex could spend more time with ds as she could help with childcare.

That’s a bit presumptuous. She doesn’t have to help with childcare.

Also, your DS was rough with the baby. Of course he’s going to get told off. Maybe the other children didn’t get told off because they weren’t being rough with the baby and it’s a shame simple as that. Maybe your DS needed telling off multiple times for other things as well. If he is in her care then she is the adult in charge.

Also, it sounds like she has a lot on her plate. I’m sure she does like your DS, but she has 3 children of her own to be seeing to too. 1 with special needs and one who is a baby. She’s not exactly going to be Mary Poppins for your DS if she’s got so much going on. If you don’t like the way she looks after him then sign him up to a holiday club next time.

ElleDubloo · 03/08/2019 10:44

She doesn’t dislike your child. I tell my 4 year off all the time (esp if I’m stressed and tired) and I bloody love her Blush

She’s an angel to be looking after 4 children and doing you a favour. I suspect she’s doing it because she loves your boy and wants him to have a relationship with his half-siblings. I suspect she’s a very nice person and is taking on more than she should. Please stop taking advantage of her.

bumblingbovine49 · 03/08/2019 10:44

I am.going to be unpopular but this.woman an married a man with a child already, had one child with SEN and went on to have another 3 children!. This applies equally to your DH by the way op. He chose to have 4 more children as well as your DS. so I definitely don't think YABU. When should your son suffer for their choices. They need to make sacrifices for their children . One of those might be that their week family holiday may need to include you DHs son. .5 children is ALOT and your DH does not seem to have the resources to cope with them. His partner also.made her choice when she chose to have 4 children with a man who already had one . She could easily have had 2 or maybe 3.

brightfutureahead · 03/08/2019 10:44

*it’s as simple as that

jasmine1971 · 03/08/2019 10:45

Also I would take this with a pinch of salt:
I ask ds if she tells off any of her own dcs - she has 3 but one is a baby and he says no. He's the only one that gets told off.
As a teacher, you'd be amazed the number of times I have to intervene when a child tells me they did nothing wrong, only for the teacher to give me a very different story which I then talk through with the child.
If you have direct conversations with her, then you can ask how DS got on, and she can tell you and you have open, fair communication for all concerned.

TheJoxter · 03/08/2019 10:46

Ds can fit in the car! It's only a 5 seater but she's managed before since having the baby

So you’re expecting either
A- they squeeze 6 people into a 5 seater car, illegally and incredibly dangerously or
B- one of the adults stays at home leaving the other to look after 4 kids on their own

?????

Malvinaa81 · 03/08/2019 10:46

So being rough with a baby is just normal and he shouldn't be told off?
Think again.

As for the rest I'm amazed this poor woman puts up with you dumping your "rough" child on her, she has enough to do already.

Your sense of entitlement and self-justification is blatant.

You need to make better arrangements for your child, and probably take a good look at your own attitude before whining about others.

user1493494961 · 03/08/2019 10:47

I also thought reverse.

pinkyredrose · 03/08/2019 10:48

YABU. Saying 'are you sure she doesn't mind' doesn't make you reasonable. Changing the goalposts at the last minute regarding sleepovers is unfair on them and confusing for the child. Your son is old enough to be taught how to behave so start there.

hsegfiugseskufh · 03/08/2019 10:48

bumbling she has got three. Ops child isnt hers. Im guessing ops child and the baby are the husbands.

InTheHeatofLisbon · 03/08/2019 10:49

When should your son suffer for their choices. They need to make sacrifices for their children

Have you read any of OPs posts??? They do! It's OP who doesn't!

Oh and there are 4 children, including her DS.

So SM has one with ASN, another, and a baby. OPs DS makes 4.

CostaIce · 03/08/2019 10:49

Your a CF.

So you want is free childcare to help you out.

Your ex already arranged 4 out of his 5 weeks holiday for your child. He can keep one week for other stuff.

I feel sorry for the poor women and if you child is a handful then I’m not surprised she does days out when he’s not around.

I have a step son and I don’t do any extra in the school Holidays and I work part time. I do vast majority of days out with my own children as it’s easier & cheaper.

TheInvestigator · 03/08/2019 10:49

@bumblingbovine49

What are you talking about? The OP and her ex have one child together. The new wife had 2 children, the ex and new wife then had 1 child together. There are 4 children in total. One belongs to OP and ex, 2 belong to the new wife and the new baby belongs to ex and new wife.

The new wife is going above and beyond. She clearly knows she married a man with a child and is looking after that child, without the husband present, a lot. She also doesn't seem to have complained that he has used 4 weeks of annual leave for childcare (which he should). So she clearly knows he has a child and is doing everything she can to help out.

TheChain · 03/08/2019 10:50

OP have you actually spoken to her directly and not through your ex? I think she would really welcome this

Please please don’t do this. My DP’s Ex has started doing this to me under the guise of “checking it’s ok to have DSD’s”.
It makes me really uncomfortable as she lays on the guilt and I don’t have the barrier of DP to say no.
If she goes through DP I am able to be more pragmatic and find it easier to say no. When Ex calls me directly I feel like I’m being emotionally bullied into looking after their kids.

Blanca87 · 03/08/2019 10:52

And the cheeky fucker award goes to.....

brightfutureahead · 03/08/2019 10:53

Ds can fit in the car! It's only a 5 seater but she's managed before since having the baby

That’s just dangerous and illegal.

Mythreefavouritethings · 03/08/2019 10:53

You were due to pick your DS up but then thought he could just stay overnight so your ex could have more time with him? Did you discuss this? As others have said, there’s making sure DCs have time with their parents and then there’s just childcare arrangements. I think you need to think about how to go forward and what your expectations are as she does have the right to her own boundaries (not making different meals, disciplining).

MsJRMEsq · 03/08/2019 10:56

I asked ds what he is being told off for and it's because he's made a mess or is being too rough with the baby. He also didn't like the lunch she made but said she wouldn't make anything else for him.

That all sounds reasonable assuming the mess isn't normal childhood clutter. As for lunch, I make one lunch and if they don't like it, bad luck.

You need to stop relying on her for childcare, it's good of her to do it but it's not her responsibility. Get a childminder or get your ex to do it.

Settlersofcatan · 03/08/2019 10:56

By "arrange childcare", do you mean guilt trip a friend instead?

Not sure I really need to ask..

Mythreefavouritethings · 03/08/2019 10:56

Reading back, to m not sure you’re ready or able to take the advice you’ve had here on board as you seem quite defensive. AIBU was probably not the place to post but maybe when the dust has settled, come back and re-read.

viques · 03/08/2019 10:58

Are the other three children all from her and your ex 's relationship? They've been very busy to fit in three if she has only been around since your DS was 18 months old. Grin

She sounds as though she has a lot on her plate without you sniping from the sidelines about your DS being told off for his behaviour (a tornado, yes we all know what that is code for), being a picky eater and you changing plans to suit yourself at the last minute.(I can just imagine having had four young kids to entertain, feed and keep safe all day, have the end in sight with one of them going home and the others heading for bed only to be told that the one who you thought was going is now staying, and you have to sort out pjs and a bed )

If I were here I would be saying I wouldn't be offering free childcare to you any more, and that your DS was you and your ex's responsibility, but she sounds a lot nicer person than I am.

QueenoftheBiscuitTin · 03/08/2019 10:58

Nothing in your posts suggests she doesn't like him. Why wouldn't she tell him off for those things? She does a lot for you and you're taking her for granted.

Butchyrestingface · 03/08/2019 11:00

ll arrange other child care from now on, she clearly is struggling and I haven't seen it like that as well as I should do

Well, that's good you're going to make alternative arrangements. Smile. Sometimes it isn't easy to see things clearly from the inside, esp if you have a cheeky ex telling you that everything's fine and his wife would be delighted to look after your little munchkin, any time, any place, anywhere.

TheInvestigator · 03/08/2019 11:01

@viques

It's not hard to understand. OP said her son now has 2 step-siblings and 1 half-sibling. So the woman had 2 kids from a previous relationship and 1 child with the OP's ex. Perfectly acceptable.