To think ex's wife doesn't like my son!

[shonapops]

She's been in ds life since he was about 18 months old. As soon as I felt comfortable with her being round ds I thought she was really nice. Ds enjoyed time with her and it meant my ex could spend more time with ds as she could help with childcare. Ds was always happy around her. Now he is 5 and it's changed.

She's looked after ds a couple of days over summer and he's come home saying he hasn't enjoyed himself and she keeps telling him off.

Now I know ds is hard work, but aren't all 5 year olds? I call him a tornado but all he's friends are the same. And her dcs are abit older too so I'm sure she knows.

I ask ds if she tells off any of her own dcs - she has 3 but one is a baby and he says no. He's the only one that gets told off. The eldest one has special needs so I know that it's probably different with her telling him off.

I asked ds what he is being told off for and it's because he's made a mess or is being too rough with the baby. He also didn't like the lunch she made but said she wouldn't make anything else for him. I know it must be hard having 4 kids in the house but I'm a bit concerned my ds is being treated unfairly! He's not being really naughty and he's coming home saying he's been bored all day and not had fun at all and just been shouted at.

Also....ds just went around for tea the other night and I was supposed to collect him later. I rang my ex to suggest ds could sleep there to spend more time with my ex and I would collect ds the next day after work. My ex told me he couldn't sleep as his wife had plans - a day out somewhere - and wasn't willing to take ds. On the days she has ds, they just seem to be stuck at home and she takes her own dcs out on seperate days. It would be nice for my ds to be included more! I really feel she just doesn't like him. He should be included in the family.

I do appreciate everything she does and I know she must have her hands full but I just feel ds is being treated unfairly and I don't know what to do about it! Shall I say something to my ex? Don't really want any friction.

I've used all my holidays up so I'm struggling for childcare this summer hols. My ex has also used his up over Easter and half terms. I know he has to take some holidays over Christmas too which doesn't leave him with any. But he has told me he has a week left which I've asked if he could use over the days I'm struggling with in summer but he's told me no as he's saving them to have a week away with his wife which has annoyed me also. I need his help!

She is looking after ds one day next week and he's telling me he doesn't want to go but I have no one else to look after him. I've suggested he be a good boy and really try hard while he is there and then maybe he will get a treat?

What shall I say to my ex if anything? I like his wife and yes I know she helps out so much. I do appreciate it and am thankful. But ds is just not happy.

@CanILeavenowplease. What a crock of shite. Nowhere was it suggested the meal wasnt decent. He had a meal provided for him the same as all the other children there. Presumably the standard of behaviour expected from the SM and the Dad is the same and they both enforce this in their house. And presumably the SM who is providing the childcare whilst the OP is at work is doing so because she is a SAHM which will in part be provided by the childs father working. And presumably the childs father is already paying maintenance to his exwife fir the child as well. Hardly abducting all responsibility to his ex wife. The same ex wife who expects people to change their plans at the drop of a hat, overcrowd a car, and describes her son as a messy tornado which is very much blinkered mum talk meaning bloody hard work.

To be honest nothing you've said she disciplines him for sounds unreasonable and my step son would probably say the same about me. Not offering another meal when the first is refused is a common parenting decision and being too rough with a baby is always going to result in a telling off. If he doesn't have to deal with a baby at home he won't be used to this but he needs to learn to be gentle.

You say he is not being naughty but you only have his word for this, I think chances are at his age he probably is being naughty and a handful in an environment where that is more of an issue because there are a lot of children to manage at the same time.

I think you just have different parenting styles, she may be a bit stricter but she doesn't sound too strict by any means.

This woman is doing you and your ex a massive favour and you can't even see it

The OP has clearly stated she has asked her ex if it is OK to have the child. She has also made it clear she expects him to be using his annual leave to care for his child. She has questioned why her child hasn’t been included on family outings - not unreasonable given that he is also part of his dad’s household and may well question things like social media photos and those in his dadd’s home. It is pretty crap for any child who is left out of the fun. She would also prefer her child didn’t go hungry in his dad’s care. If the new wife is unhappy with any of this, it is up to her to discuss this with her husband and find a solution that works for her. It is fine for her to not want to
manage an additional child but it is not the OP’s responsibility to pick up more than half of holiday childcare. Why is the OP being flamed - it is her ex who needs to step up.

@CanILeavenowplease, perhaps OP could use one of her weeks holiday to go away with whoever she chooses and her child. Just a thought.

Crock of shite? Yeah, right. Two sides and all that.

Why can't they both pay for childcare?

Would be a solution. Although poster after poster seems to think it’s only the OPs problem to sort.

Oh and pay for child care, like everybody else.

At this point, as SM, if I had half this shit chucked at me by the ex I'd be packing mine and my children's bags and getting as far away from the fucking twilight zone as I could.

MN is a weird place.

Man doesn't step up - gets slated. Fair enough.

Man does step up - it's not enough, you must say yes to everything the ex says, even at last minute and even meaning you can never have a day out without including your son (who presumably has days out with his mum too?) or you're a scumbag.

Absolute shite. This thread was going pretty well. Then the usual crowd show up, ironically also completely ignoring the needs of the SM, while shouting misogyny.

Pfft.

perhaps OP could use one of her weeks holiday to go away with whoever she chooses and her child. Just a thought

Perhaps she will. That still doesn’t mean she gets 10 weeks holiday responsibility whilst the ex gets 3. Why can’t he take all
his children on holiday?

Maybe because his wife needs a bit of a break @CanILeavenowplease.

There has been no mention by the OP that he wont pay for childcare. How much does the OP pay her friends that do the childcare? He is covering childcare by his wages allowing for his wife to be a SAHM and do the childcare.

No they both do. Op andnd her ex need to do this, it is zero responsibility of the sm. She's been bashing the sm not her exp. She is massively unreasonable as no where in her original post was there a request her exp pay for childcare nor was there an offer for her to. Cover half of childcare either.
It is not reasonable to change plans the day before but be annoyed if someone says they can't do it as they have plans.
She's taken leave to cover childcare so has her exp, most people pay for childcare in school holidays as no one gets 13 weeks annual leave.
The post was about her child being disliked, he isn't, it's really clear that he isn't disliked as this woman who isn't his parent is looking after him a lot, cooking for him and generally caring for him when both his biological aprnets can't. Without pay or thanks.
Your lucky op as if it was me I'd have said a flat no a very very long time ago.

The needs of the SM are not the OP’s responsibility. The child has 2 parents and lots of time off to cover. If SM can’t look after the child that’s absolutely fine. It is still not the OPs problem alone to fix.

We all need a break! Some of us rarely get one. I am working through my holiday.

Why can’t he take all his children on holiday?

Why does the SM never get a break? Why is OP the only female who matters? Why does every single activity have to be suspended in the SMs house until OPs child is there? Why do the SMs kids have to wait until they're "allowed" a day out or a holiday?

OP and the ex need to pay, between them, for adequate childcare.

OP has fuck all right to dictate what the SM does with her own children, ever.

It's perfectly ok for families to have days out with and without DSC.

Expecting a woman with 3 kids already to be free childcare is a pisstake from OP and the ex.

Whose problem is it to fix during OP’s time with her son, then @CanIleavenowplease?

The needs of the SM are not the OP’s responsibility

And yet this entire post is OP bashing the woman for having the temerity to say no, once and disciplining a child in her care for perfectly reasonable reasons.

If the SM isn't OPs responsibility, then the OP sir as shite isn't the SMs responsibility, and yet here we are.

Poor woman has been slated all over the fucking place for doing something to help OP and her husband.

OP and her ex need to get a fucking grip and stop using people.

Lets just assume that paid for childcare may cost £100 a week. So as suggested by some on her ex coughs up half. That leaves OP to find £50. Suddenly DS being told off for making a mess and being rough with baby doesnt look such a bad proposition at all does it.

You've said she's been looking after him for several years now and this is only now a worry. You said yourself she's a nice woman and ds has always been happy with her. So honestly it sounds like he's been a bit naughty a few times lately and got told off, I'm sure many 5 year olds don't like getting told off, that doesn't mean the adult was wrong to tell them off.

You've said your ex has used all his holiday, and now your ex's wife is looking after your son. Surely that makes up for the 1 week that he wants to spend on holiday? Or do you expect him to use all his holiday for childcare, and all of her free time for childcare additionally? Really, the responsibility is yours and your ex's.

As for speculating she has more days out with her DC, well then step up and have more days out with your DS!

I hope that with these expectations you have, you use all of your holiday time and leisure time purely for childcare purposes, and that your son is never bored at your home, and he's never grumpy about getting told off by you, and he always gets special meals cooked, and he has constant day trips organised by you. If this is not the case, you would need to relax the massive expectations you are putting on the woman!

£100 a week? This is 2019, not 1999, ffs!

SolsticeBabyMaybe well said!

Also Sweeney makes a very good point.

£100 for a week of holiday club is about right around here...

Alsohuman what's realistic per week in the summer holidays? (Genuine question, until v recently I was a SAHM and now we work opposite shifts so don't have to pay for childcare).

Yes I know that @Alsohuman. I was just using it as an example to point out that currently OP is paying nothing whilst ex is funding SM to be a SAHM and if as is suggested they look at paid childcare it will leave the OP considerably out of pocket. So it isn't always as black and white as ex should be funding half the child care.

It’s about £250 a week round here.

Alsohuman thanks for the reference amount. I'm glad I don't need to think about paying for childcare!

So if OP and ex do the right thing by the SM and organise childcare equally between them (as they should) she'd be £125 (up or down depending on area) worse off a week without the woman she's spent an entire post excoriating? Interesting.

The husband should be told that as well of course, and think on!