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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think ex's wife doesn't like my son!

243 replies

shonapops · 03/08/2019 09:55

She's been in ds life since he was about 18 months old. As soon as I felt comfortable with her being round ds I thought she was really nice. Ds enjoyed time with her and it meant my ex could spend more time with ds as she could help with childcare. Ds was always happy around her. Now he is 5 and it's changed.

She's looked after ds a couple of days over summer and he's come home saying he hasn't enjoyed himself and she keeps telling him off.

Now I know ds is hard work, but aren't all 5 year olds? I call him a tornado but all he's friends are the same. And her dcs are abit older too so I'm sure she knows.

I ask ds if she tells off any of her own dcs - she has 3 but one is a baby and he says no. He's the only one that gets told off. The eldest one has special needs so I know that it's probably different with her telling him off.

I asked ds what he is being told off for and it's because he's made a mess or is being too rough with the baby. He also didn't like the lunch she made but said she wouldn't make anything else for him. I know it must be hard having 4 kids in the house but I'm a bit concerned my ds is being treated unfairly! He's not being really naughty and he's coming home saying he's been bored all day and not had fun at all and just been shouted at.

Also....ds just went around for tea the other night and I was supposed to collect him later. I rang my ex to suggest ds could sleep there to spend more time with my ex and I would collect ds the next day after work. My ex told me he couldn't sleep as his wife had plans - a day out somewhere - and wasn't willing to take ds. On the days she has ds, they just seem to be stuck at home and she takes her own dcs out on seperate days. It would be nice for my ds to be included more! I really feel she just doesn't like him. He should be included in the family.

I do appreciate everything she does and I know she must have her hands full but I just feel ds is being treated unfairly and I don't know what to do about it! Shall I say something to my ex? Don't really want any friction.

I've used all my holidays up so I'm struggling for childcare this summer hols. My ex has also used his up over Easter and half terms. I know he has to take some holidays over Christmas too which doesn't leave him with any. But he has told me he has a week left which I've asked if he could use over the days I'm struggling with in summer but he's told me no as he's saving them to have a week away with his wife which has annoyed me also. I need his help!

She is looking after ds one day next week and he's telling me he doesn't want to go but I have no one else to look after him. I've suggested he be a good boy and really try hard while he is there and then maybe he will get a treat?

What shall I say to my ex if anything? I like his wife and yes I know she helps out so much. I do appreciate it and am thankful. But ds is just not happy.

OP posts:
Bookworm4 · 03/08/2019 11:58

I think being rough with a baby is a valid reason to be told off. If your ex hadn’t remarried what would you do for childcare?

Arthur2shedsJackson · 03/08/2019 12:02

I have rarely come across anyone as entitled as the OP.

GimmieTheCoffeeAndNooneDies · 03/08/2019 12:02

Reverse. And if this is a accurate retelling, yes, the ex is being unreasonable.

tenterden · 03/08/2019 12:04

Yet another man who thinks it's perfectly acceptable to dump childcare of his DC onto a new partner - in this case aided and abetted by his ex.

I suspect your XH new wife will get along with DS much better when he isn't being foisted on her to look after when his father isn't actually there.

Spanglyprincess1 · 03/08/2019 12:15

Op I like my 3 step kids and I have a baby. I bought a 7 seater cat to accomadate everyone too.
But I flat out wouldn't cook a different meal for the children. Even the 1 year old gets similar eg pasta n sauce or sandwiches. It's unreasonable to expect that and tbh if you do do that then your making a rod for your own back.
There is always fruit in the bowl if they wnat a snack and can help themselve but I won't make anything else or the youngest dsc would live on chips and nuggets.
Taking 4 children alone out of vastly different ages is chaos. Honestly. I struggle but ocassionaly do it.
I am not a babysitter as a sm. I like my dsc but I will not provide free regular childcare unless I specifically offer to take them somewhere as a treat. They ahve a father and a mother. It is their job to provide regular care.
Easy solution is 50:50 over school holiday. His weeks he pays and your week you pay. You can't change contact arenagment at the last minute and get huffy of your told no it's doesn't work. Everyone else has a life too and commitments!

ittakes2 · 03/08/2019 12:19

I'm sorry but are you kidding? You call your son a tornado and you think she needs to somehow manage him, a child with SEN and a baby so your little tornado is not left out? If she can't handle that many kids - and its a saint of a person who can - its your ex's responsiblity to mix your son with his other children not her's.
I have twins - at 5 neither of them were tornados. You have an active kid - prob made easier since he seems to be an only child and you only have to run around after him. If you want him to spend time with his half-siblings - why not offer to help this woman take all four of them out.

CrazylazyJane · 03/08/2019 12:20

By your own admission your child can be a handful. I expect that his step mum is disciplining him and your son doesn't like it.
That's tough and he needs to get used to it.

At 5 he is old enough to understand behaviour expectations and adapt to the environment he is in.

You're expecting this lady to provide free childcare for you. If you accept that, then you accept how she disciplines in her own house. If you're not comfortable with how she does this, pay for your childcare. Perhaps your ex could contribute to paying for a holiday club?

kateandme · 03/08/2019 12:24

i do get that it isnt her responsibilty but sometimes on here i dont no get the harshness with which some mn think this is a rule.
if you are with a man and have become a family surely all chiclren are then part of that family.

hsegfiugseskufh · 03/08/2019 12:31

Being a part of that family and being cared for every school holiday by step mum are worlds apart.

InTheHeatofLisbon · 03/08/2019 12:31

if you are with a man and have become a family surely all chiclren are then part of that family

She turned down having her DSS for an extra 24 hours at short notice, when she already had plans the next day with her own children.

I don't think that's unreasonable, at all. Especially given that OP is so bloody critical of a woman doing the job of OP and her ex for no bloody thanks or even consideration!

One day, and somehow she's the unreasonable one?

I'm really struggling to see how you reached that conclusion.

pregnantandsuffering · 03/08/2019 12:31

@TheChain why should she have expected her ex to take on more than half of the school holidays child care?

IncrediblySadToo · 03/08/2019 12:33

I asked him to have a week on both half terms which he did and the one week of Easter which he did. He has one week at Christmas which leaves him with one week which I need him to have for summer!

Jesus wept. Unreasonable much?!

How often do YOU have their 3 kids? Never would be my guess, but why not if you’re SO keen for DS yo Bond with his half siblings?!

She sounds nice but maybe she’s just running out of energy to deal with a ‘lively’ (messy rough) 5 yo when she has older kids & a baby too.

I love kids and frequently have several extras to look after, but an unruly 5 yo I can trust around the baby would be hard enough work without taking them all out of the house! Thsts begore you’ve even thought if somewhere that older kids & a 5 yo would enjoy.

Obviously DS won’t want to go if he gets told off, but you need to teach him
how to be gentle with the baby and not act like a tornado Yes 5 olds are still very young but you can’t expect her not to ‘tell him off’ for being tough with the baby or making a lot of mess’

5 yo’s Are not renown for their accurate portrayal of a situation either. I expect ‘telling off’ him & her older children looks different. so he might not get they’re being told off for the same misbehaviour orbthry might not be being tough with the baby or making an unholy mess

As for the food. Head wobble time! I don’t expect after several years of feeding him without complaint she’s suddenly started making him arsenic sandwiches. More likely he was just be a fussy little sod (as 5yo often are).

kateandme · 03/08/2019 12:36

JoanMavisIcecreamGirl very very true i get that.thanks.

InTheHeatofLisbon yep i stand corrected you are very right.

kateandme · 03/08/2019 12:38

this was not in the least a sarcastic response! i am genrerally saying thankyoyu for pointing out how i was wrong and you have a point Confused

InTheHeatofLisbon · 03/08/2019 12:40

kateandme I didn't think it was sarcastic.

Needacareer101 · 03/08/2019 12:45

4 kids is very hard work. I just took mine out on the bus to a kids cinema viewing they do on Saturday mornings. It was hard work and we left half way through the film. It probably wasn't the best idea but they were a bit bored and asked to go home. 2 year old upset she couldn't sit at the back of the bus on her own Hmm.

Mine are 6,4,2 and 3 months. I drive and stupidly thought let's go on the bus!

4 is hard to juggle especially with a buggy and little legs running. This is why i don't go out on our own much unless it is local or somewhere i know is easy to park.

Yabvvvvvvvvbbu

IncrediblySadToo · 03/08/2019 12:48

@brightfutureahead

Ds can fit in the car! It's only a 5 seater but she's managed before since having the baby

That’s just dangerous and illegal

Say what!???

Mum
2 older children
Baby
DS

Last I went to school that’s 5 people in a 5 seater car ...

Greeve · 03/08/2019 12:48

They don't have 3 kids. The Ex has 2 and the OP has 2. The SM has 3.

InTheHeatofLisbon · 03/08/2019 12:51

Greeve OP has one. With her ex.

Ex and SM have one together, he has 1 with OP and SM has 2 from a previous relationship/marriage.

4 in total, only one belongs to OP.

pregnantandsuffering · 03/08/2019 12:52

@Greeve no. The OP has one and the ex has one with his wife who also has two older children. That is a total of four children. So OPs DS has one child who has one half sibling and two step siblings. If you put them plus both parents in the car that is six children.

TheChain · 03/08/2019 12:53

@pregnantandsuffering what are you on about? I haven’t said any such thing?

Banangana · 03/08/2019 12:56

They don't have 3 kids. The Ex has 2 and the OP has 2. The SM has 3.

Where have you read that?

llangennith · 03/08/2019 12:59

@shonapops
You and your ex are CF of the highest order. Pay for some proper childcare like the rest of us do.

I couldn't have put it better myself.

pregnantandsuffering · 03/08/2019 13:00

@TheChain

@Hooferdoofer37

If his new wife doesn't want to be childcare for her husband's kids, that's for him to sort. She should have gone into the relationship expecting 7 weeks of childcare to be done by him as a minimum (on top of usual contact)

I fixed that for you.

I'm only going by this comment you put up? Sorry if I missed part of the conversation I'm just confused about why he would do more than half the holidays as a minimum (school hols usually 13 weeks) - unless that's not what you meant?

Alsohuman · 03/08/2019 13:02

@Greeve, you may want to brush up your comprehension skills. Or your maths. Or both.