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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think ex's wife doesn't like my son!

243 replies

shonapops · 03/08/2019 09:55

She's been in ds life since he was about 18 months old. As soon as I felt comfortable with her being round ds I thought she was really nice. Ds enjoyed time with her and it meant my ex could spend more time with ds as she could help with childcare. Ds was always happy around her. Now he is 5 and it's changed.

She's looked after ds a couple of days over summer and he's come home saying he hasn't enjoyed himself and she keeps telling him off.

Now I know ds is hard work, but aren't all 5 year olds? I call him a tornado but all he's friends are the same. And her dcs are abit older too so I'm sure she knows.

I ask ds if she tells off any of her own dcs - she has 3 but one is a baby and he says no. He's the only one that gets told off. The eldest one has special needs so I know that it's probably different with her telling him off.

I asked ds what he is being told off for and it's because he's made a mess or is being too rough with the baby. He also didn't like the lunch she made but said she wouldn't make anything else for him. I know it must be hard having 4 kids in the house but I'm a bit concerned my ds is being treated unfairly! He's not being really naughty and he's coming home saying he's been bored all day and not had fun at all and just been shouted at.

Also....ds just went around for tea the other night and I was supposed to collect him later. I rang my ex to suggest ds could sleep there to spend more time with my ex and I would collect ds the next day after work. My ex told me he couldn't sleep as his wife had plans - a day out somewhere - and wasn't willing to take ds. On the days she has ds, they just seem to be stuck at home and she takes her own dcs out on seperate days. It would be nice for my ds to be included more! I really feel she just doesn't like him. He should be included in the family.

I do appreciate everything she does and I know she must have her hands full but I just feel ds is being treated unfairly and I don't know what to do about it! Shall I say something to my ex? Don't really want any friction.

I've used all my holidays up so I'm struggling for childcare this summer hols. My ex has also used his up over Easter and half terms. I know he has to take some holidays over Christmas too which doesn't leave him with any. But he has told me he has a week left which I've asked if he could use over the days I'm struggling with in summer but he's told me no as he's saving them to have a week away with his wife which has annoyed me also. I need his help!

She is looking after ds one day next week and he's telling me he doesn't want to go but I have no one else to look after him. I've suggested he be a good boy and really try hard while he is there and then maybe he will get a treat?

What shall I say to my ex if anything? I like his wife and yes I know she helps out so much. I do appreciate it and am thankful. But ds is just not happy.

OP posts:
Banangana · 03/08/2019 10:15

Are you sure it's not just that your son is upset because he got told off?

I think this may be it. It seems like you find his bad behaviour endearing (calling him a tornado) and he doesn't get told off much. He does sound like a normal 5 year old but you do need to correct him and it's your job teach him how should be behaving. The step mother is doing that, he's probably not used to it and now he's feeling very hard done by.

S1naidSucks · 03/08/2019 10:15

I don't think he should have it with his wife if he has a child that requires childcare

It’s up to the OP to arrange childcare for her child, if she’s working, not the ex or his wife. He has other children and his wife to consider too. His wife is doing her very best, yet it’s never enough. What about his other child/children, do they not deserve to have a holiday with their father, because his wife wants free childcare.

This has absolutely nothing to do with the OP wanting the child’s father spending time with his son and all to do with her demanding that he and his wife use their holidays to facilitate her working.

Original poster
shonapops · 03/08/2019 10:15

But when I ask if his wife can have ds, my ex always say he will ask his wife first and she will say yes! So I just assume it's fine. He has step siblings and a new half sibling!! Honestly I thought I'd get flamed for keeping ds away from them! I'm trying to include him!! I just wonder why all her days out are on the days when my ds isn't there! Then when ds goes he's just sat bored playing on a play station.

Maybe I am unreasonable but I'm not meaning to be. Just trying to include my ds!

I have my friends who have ds on the other days!

OP posts:
Banangana · 03/08/2019 10:16

it's your job to teach him*

SecretMillionaire · 03/08/2019 10:16

You seem to want to have them revolve their household around your one child. There does not appear to be any consideration as to how your ex’s wife is managing or the needs of the other children and from how it reads you don’t particularly care as long as you can cover the holidays. Not to mention the fact you have the brass neck to criticise how well he is being cared for.

Give the poor woman some consideration and stop treating her like some unpaid skivvy. Your attitude stinks.

Original poster
shonapops · 03/08/2019 10:17

Ds can fit in the car! It's only a 5 seater but she's managed before since having the baby

OP posts:
herculepoirot2 · 03/08/2019 10:17

But when I ask if his wife can have ds, my ex always say he will ask his wife first and she will say yes! So I just assume it's fine.

She sounds like a nice, tolerant lady with her hands full. Give her a break. Maybe you should offer to have her kids for the day and she can have some time to herself?

StrawberryCrunch · 03/08/2019 10:18

I just wonder why all her days out are on the days when my ds isn't there!

Do you mean when your ex is with her or when she's on her own with her kids? Because if you mean just her going out with her kids then I think you are being really unreasonable.

Try taking her 3 kids out and your DS on your own and see how easy it is.

TwistyTop · 03/08/2019 10:18

Sounds like she's got an awful lot on her plate. If I had 3 DC, one just a baby and one with SN then I would probably resent being expected to provide so much childcare for a 4th. This is really your ex's responsibility, not hers.

If she's planning a family day out then how would that work with 4 children and 2 adults? Surely they wouldn't all fit in the car?

It's perfectly reasonable to tell a child off for being too rough with the baby and making a mess. Also if I served up lunch for a group of children and then one of them said they didn't like it I certainly wouldn't be rushing off to make them something different - especially with the baby and the SN child to supervise!

I'm afraid that YABU.

Banangana · 03/08/2019 10:19

I just wonder why all her days out are on the days when my ds isn't there!

If she has one child with SN and a baby and another child, days out are probably much easier for her without a 5 year old tornado.

StrawberryCrunch · 03/08/2019 10:20

And I also think it's incredibly rude criticising the fact your son 'sits there bored' when she has him.

She's doing you a favour so you can work?!

MarthasGinYard · 03/08/2019 10:20

Blimey amongst his wife and your 'friends' that have your 'tornado' of a five year old. I would say you are doing ok.

She has a baby and a child with additional needs and still says yes. I'd cut her some slack and tell your 5 yo to behave himself and be gentle with the baby

Gruzinkerbell1 · 03/08/2019 10:20

Is this a reverse of a thread that was posted the other day from the put upon new wife? She said no to a last min sleepover as she was taking her own three children to a friend’s house the next day.

Floopily · 03/08/2019 10:21

gruzinkerbell I was wondering that too...

InTheHeatofLisbon · 03/08/2019 10:22

Have you spoken to her about any of this?

It's not often I say this but I think you've got unrealistic expectations of her, and it sounds like both of you take her for granted.

Your son isn't excluded because he doesn't go on every day out they have, and he spends a lot of time there.

Then complaining that he's in the house a lot when you've got free childcare!

Seriously OP, would you attempt a day out with a baby, another child, another one with ASN and a 5 yo that their own mother describes as a tornado?

I wouldn't!!

If you want your son to have specific activities during the summer then I'd suggest you and your ex look up proper childcare and pay for it.

SMs tend to get a rough time on MN, but I'm afraid I think you're being pretty unreasonable in this instance.

You have an ex who takes 4 weeks holiday a year to have his child, whose wife is unpaid childcare for 4 children and apparently isn't even included in discussions about it and you're still not happy.

If you want Mary Poppins then I suggest paying for childcare (both you and your ex not just you).

Or maybe speak to his wife and find out her feelings on the matter?

IAskTooManyQuestions · 03/08/2019 10:22

TBH OP - step, blended or not, I don't remember my parents taking me out everyday, they couldn't afford to, I don't remember summer or any holidays being and endless round of fun. I hate to sound like an old gimmer, your DS and his step/half siblings need to make their own entertainment with imagination.

I asked ds what he is being told off for and it's because he's made a mess or is being too rough with the baby. He also didn't like the lunch she made but said she wouldn't make anything else for him - all fair reprimands.

onanothertrain · 03/08/2019 10:22

I hope this is a reverse. In case it's not you're a CF

Original poster
shonapops · 03/08/2019 10:22

No they went on a day out somewhere not a friends house. I know that for definite.

OP posts:
MarthasGinYard · 03/08/2019 10:23

Could be

It's OP's first post

MarthasGinYard · 03/08/2019 10:23

Eh?

Settlersofcatan · 03/08/2019 10:23

You're not trying to include him, you're just trying to cover the school holidays. I bet some of your friends are getting tired of it too.

Can you really not imagine why someone might not do days out with four children including a baby and a child with additional needs? Have you ever taken four kids out on your own?

Most working parents use some paid childcare rather than rely completely on friends and step parents - this seems like the obvious solution here.

kaco · 03/08/2019 10:25

This post sounds similar to a recent thread that was from the exs wife's point of view.

PooWillyBumBum · 03/08/2019 10:25

It doesn’t sound like she doesn’t like him, it sounds like she’s parenting him well. Kids shouldn’t be rough with babies or demand different food. And he will always say he feels it’s unfair if you ask him. It sounds like you have it really, really good!

IvanaPee · 03/08/2019 10:25

Is this a joke??

You are the epitome of a cheeky fucker!

S1naidSucks · 03/08/2019 10:25

Honestly I thought I'd get flamed for keeping ds away from them! I'm trying to include him!!

Bollocks! You’re just trying to use her for free childcare, the same way you use your friends.

Why don’t you pay for childcare on the week they’re off? She is not responsible for your lack of childcare.