To think ex's wife doesn't like my son!

[shonapops]

She's been in ds life since he was about 18 months old. As soon as I felt comfortable with her being round ds I thought she was really nice. Ds enjoyed time with her and it meant my ex could spend more time with ds as she could help with childcare. Ds was always happy around her. Now he is 5 and it's changed.

She's looked after ds a couple of days over summer and he's come home saying he hasn't enjoyed himself and she keeps telling him off.

Now I know ds is hard work, but aren't all 5 year olds? I call him a tornado but all he's friends are the same. And her dcs are abit older too so I'm sure she knows.

I ask ds if she tells off any of her own dcs - she has 3 but one is a baby and he says no. He's the only one that gets told off. The eldest one has special needs so I know that it's probably different with her telling him off.

I asked ds what he is being told off for and it's because he's made a mess or is being too rough with the baby. He also didn't like the lunch she made but said she wouldn't make anything else for him. I know it must be hard having 4 kids in the house but I'm a bit concerned my ds is being treated unfairly! He's not being really naughty and he's coming home saying he's been bored all day and not had fun at all and just been shouted at.

Also....ds just went around for tea the other night and I was supposed to collect him later. I rang my ex to suggest ds could sleep there to spend more time with my ex and I would collect ds the next day after work. My ex told me he couldn't sleep as his wife had plans - a day out somewhere - and wasn't willing to take ds. On the days she has ds, they just seem to be stuck at home and she takes her own dcs out on seperate days. It would be nice for my ds to be included more! I really feel she just doesn't like him. He should be included in the family.

I do appreciate everything she does and I know she must have her hands full but I just feel ds is being treated unfairly and I don't know what to do about it! Shall I say something to my ex? Don't really want any friction.

I've used all my holidays up so I'm struggling for childcare this summer hols. My ex has also used his up over Easter and half terms. I know he has to take some holidays over Christmas too which doesn't leave him with any. But he has told me he has a week left which I've asked if he could use over the days I'm struggling with in summer but he's told me no as he's saving them to have a week away with his wife which has annoyed me also. I need his help!

She is looking after ds one day next week and he's telling me he doesn't want to go but I have no one else to look after him. I've suggested he be a good boy and really try hard while he is there and then maybe he will get a treat?

What shall I say to my ex if anything? I like his wife and yes I know she helps out so much. I do appreciate it and am thankful. But ds is just not happy.

Who says stepmom is a sahm?? Maybe she's a teacher whose off on school holiday, maybe she is on mat leave or self funding not living of op exp wage.
Lots of presumptions.
Honestly op childcare in school hols is an arse, id be greatful and happy that your ds has someone who cares about him other than you n his dad and is happy to look after him for free.

and is happy to look after him for free.

Ironic that you (rightly) challenge an assumption but then follow it up with an assumption.

OP hasn't heard from the SM that she's happy to do anything!

He's not going to say she isn't happy to do it to his ex is he?

Also, list OPs list of very petty complaints and see how happy she is to do it!

Can I point out while 50/ 5o childcare is great during holidays unless they have agreed thisbitbis Op job to organise the rest of the time .

You can claim some back through child tax credit , uc if eligible.

This is your responsibility to sort out .

No one on this thread knows how much maintenance ex is paying here .

Can I also add op your friends will be fed up of Tornado child too . You need to put plans in place and stop making your childcare issues everyone else’s problem

The needs of the SM are not the OP’s responsibility.

And the needs of the OP and her child are equally not the SM’s responsibility. She owes them nothing.

You sound awful. Evidently you see this woman as nothing but childcare for your child and have no respect for her whatsoever.

Your ex wanting to save some leave to holiday with his wife is not unreasonable and completely acceptable, they are his family too and he has every right to ensure he is being attentive to them. You are pathetic to resent that.

Furthermore, childcare during the time your child is with you is YOUR responsibility. If your ex cannot have him, find someone else, that's on you. Similarly, if your ex couldn't have him on one of his days, he should arrange alternate care. Stop looking at this woman as free childcare, I almost hope she tells you both that enough is enough and you two need to make your own arrangements.

As for their days out, that's their family, they are allowed to have plans that do not involve your son and spend their family time as they wish. Your son is not her concern when making plans, it should be your ex that makes the actual effort. Stop comparing your child to hers.

Nothing that you have said suggests your child is being treated unfairly, it seems you are just bitter about childcare and picking at things as you're not getting your way.

Start looking for alternate care, and discuss this with your ex. Appreciate what she does already but it's not her responsibility.

So much projection going on.

Op is not using this woman, her ex is.

This little boy IS a part of their family. Or do only her blood children count?

Is this a serious thread??? I would not be as accommodating as this SM if I where her. No way would I have your DS without his dad there as often as her while also looking after 3 other children (one a baby and one with SN), I would also only look after him if it suited my plans.

A few things you should consider op:

1. She has no obligation to do any childcare for your son, that’s between you and his dad. Your very lucky she helps out so much.
2. She doesn’t need to make special lunches for your son, if she’s cooking for kids I would assume it’s quite normal food.
3. She doesn’t have to take your son out when she goes out with her kids, she’s already looking after 3 of her own. Days out are for you and his dad to sort out, if he’s going aswell and not taking your son that’s not the SMs problem that’s his. They are as a family allowed some days without your son aswell, as I’m sure he gets days out with you that her kids don’t get.
4. Why shouldn’t she be allowed a week off with her husband when she takes care of your child so much?
5. You/ex need to sort out proper childcare and sort out paying it between the both of you.
6. If your going to use her as a free childminder your son will have to follow her rules (none of her rules you have talked about have seemed out of the norm to me) and he will have to deal with being told off if he is naughty. Being rough with a baby and being very messy is being naughty.

You need to stop bashing this woman op, you and your ex not organising proper childcare (you should pay for clubs, minder etc if you don’t have enough time to take off) is not her fault or problem and your lucky she’s helping, as it sounds as if she has her hands full without your son thrown in the mix, and as you say he’s like a tornado so not exactly an easy child to look after.

This little boy IS a part of their family. Or do only her blood children count?

Nobody has said that. But doing all the child care for your step child is a whole different ball game than just "being a family"

@viques

What ARE you on about?

Except, hold on a cotton picking minute, where's wally, I mean, where's dad? Is he going to run alongside the car, catch the bus, ride his bike, or perhaps he's not going to go on this fun day out at all and lucky old SM can cope on her own with the baby, the special needs child, the other child and the tornado?

The Dad is at work so doesn’t need to fit in the car

...and before taking a pop st me, try reading my post where I have said the OP is the unreasonable one NOT the SM 🙄🙄🙄

@dontdoubtyourself I'm yet to see anyone say that the little boy isn't part of the family.

It's the OP who is on here moaning about silly little things which the majority of posters seem to agree that are perfectly normal (unless you'd allow a child to be rough with a baby?) and that's what people are pointing out.

The wife doesn't owe the OP or her ex anything and to have a go at her for these reasons is ridiculous. She's doing both of them a favour.

Yabvu
Your ex's wife is not your babysitter. Of course she can take her children places without your ds. If you're bothered about him missing out why don't you take him. I certainly wouldn't make another meal for your ds if he refused to eat what I made and she is absolutly. entitled to a week away with her husband without your child.

@Littleduckeggblue absolutely. It seems a few on her have got get up about the ex having a week's leave left. The point is that that week is for the SM and their kids to have a holiday as a family not because I think the ex deserves it more than OP.

Has OP said that they share care 50:50?

If you're bothered about him missing out why don't you take him - and her kids if you want a relationship with his siblings

I think the main point is the expectation of childcare which in all fairness they are absolutely doing their fair share. Your ex and new partner are fully justified making their own plans, they haven’t let you or your son down because of this.

The SM sounds perfectly OK to me. The problem might be that your DC is a part-time only child and expects more adult attention than he can reasonably have in the other family - whereas a child accustomed to living with several siblings wouldn’t have an issue. I see this when my DD’s friend, an only child, comes over to join my DCs in the [inflatable] pool and within 20 minutes starts trying to manipulate me into arranging alternative, incompatible activities, while everyone else is happy in the pool and my job is to supervise them there. Maybe your DC’s expectations need gently reining in? And perhaps yours, too, OP? I doubt it is the case that the SM doesn’t like him, and she deserves respect for getting on with the job as she does.

Has OP said that they share care 50:50?

No, neither has she said how much maintenance is paid, nor what their childcare arrangement actually is.

I think that's quite telling.

He should, morally, if not legally, be responsible for 50% of care and 50% of childcare costs.
But without knowing the answers to specifics it's hard to say.

And, as others have suggested, if you want her to take your DC on days out then you need to return the favour and take her kids out too.