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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think ex's wife doesn't like my son!

243 replies

shonapops · 03/08/2019 09:55

She's been in ds life since he was about 18 months old. As soon as I felt comfortable with her being round ds I thought she was really nice. Ds enjoyed time with her and it meant my ex could spend more time with ds as she could help with childcare. Ds was always happy around her. Now he is 5 and it's changed.

She's looked after ds a couple of days over summer and he's come home saying he hasn't enjoyed himself and she keeps telling him off.

Now I know ds is hard work, but aren't all 5 year olds? I call him a tornado but all he's friends are the same. And her dcs are abit older too so I'm sure she knows.

I ask ds if she tells off any of her own dcs - she has 3 but one is a baby and he says no. He's the only one that gets told off. The eldest one has special needs so I know that it's probably different with her telling him off.

I asked ds what he is being told off for and it's because he's made a mess or is being too rough with the baby. He also didn't like the lunch she made but said she wouldn't make anything else for him. I know it must be hard having 4 kids in the house but I'm a bit concerned my ds is being treated unfairly! He's not being really naughty and he's coming home saying he's been bored all day and not had fun at all and just been shouted at.

Also....ds just went around for tea the other night and I was supposed to collect him later. I rang my ex to suggest ds could sleep there to spend more time with my ex and I would collect ds the next day after work. My ex told me he couldn't sleep as his wife had plans - a day out somewhere - and wasn't willing to take ds. On the days she has ds, they just seem to be stuck at home and she takes her own dcs out on seperate days. It would be nice for my ds to be included more! I really feel she just doesn't like him. He should be included in the family.

I do appreciate everything she does and I know she must have her hands full but I just feel ds is being treated unfairly and I don't know what to do about it! Shall I say something to my ex? Don't really want any friction.

I've used all my holidays up so I'm struggling for childcare this summer hols. My ex has also used his up over Easter and half terms. I know he has to take some holidays over Christmas too which doesn't leave him with any. But he has told me he has a week left which I've asked if he could use over the days I'm struggling with in summer but he's told me no as he's saving them to have a week away with his wife which has annoyed me also. I need his help!

She is looking after ds one day next week and he's telling me he doesn't want to go but I have no one else to look after him. I've suggested he be a good boy and really try hard while he is there and then maybe he will get a treat?

What shall I say to my ex if anything? I like his wife and yes I know she helps out so much. I do appreciate it and am thankful. But ds is just not happy.

OP posts:
Notthebradybunch · 03/08/2019 10:26

Seriously, this lady has 3 children, one a baby and another with special needs and you are moaning about the fact she won't take them all out for the day! She's amazing for agreeing to have him for you in the first place when clearly she has her hands full already, I'm sorry but you and your ex sound extremely selfish, you and him need to take unpaid leave to look after him if you have no annual leave left, he is the responsibility of you both, not his wife's, she has enough on her plate!

MummBraTheEverLeaking · 03/08/2019 10:26

What a bum deal for his wife! Used as free childcare to facilitate you working, a baby and child with SN as well. Then every holiday week her husband has (except Christmas for you) you want him on hand so she doesn't even get a break with her husband. Of course this is MN and she's a stepmother so therefore evil incarnate though!

I think she deserves a break myself, just pay for childcare for one week. It will be a nice thank you to the put upon woman. And if she's good enough to look after him she's good enough to tell him to not be rough with a baby and eat his lunch.

TheChain · 03/08/2019 10:27

@Gruzinkerbell1
Yep this is definitely a reverse of the thread from step-parenting isn’t it.

If this is genuine OP, have a look at the other thread on the step-parenting forum and you’ll see the other side of this.
SMs are not free childcare for their partner’s children, and when your child is being looked after by his SM she is 100% allowed to tell him off for making a mess and being too rough with the baby.

Original poster
shonapops · 03/08/2019 10:27

I'll just leave this here. Obviously my ds is my priority and I'm trying to make sure he has a relationship with my ex and his family! Maybe I'm wrong to expect them to help out but they are married!!

Meanwhile I struggle! I have said I do make sure that it's fine she has him. I always say to my ex 'are you really sure she doesn't mind?'

I get the being rough with the baby, he hasn't been around babies much.

I'll hold my hands up and say he is an extremely messy child!! Maybe her dcs are perfect and don't to anything wrong! All I'm saying is my ds is so fond of his step siblings and half sibling! I think it's great he loves them so much! I won't be having anymore dcs so this is all he has! It's important to me he spends time with them!

I'll arrange other child care from now on, she clearly is struggling and I haven't seen it like that as well as I should do

OP posts:
herculepoirot2 · 03/08/2019 10:29

You’re the biggest CF I have seen on MN after that last post. Honestly, pull your head out.

S1naidSucks · 03/08/2019 10:29

Of course this is MN and she's a stepmother so therefore evil incarnate though!

Have you read the answers, MummBraTheEverLeaking. I don’t see very much support for the OP and loads for the Stepmother.

Original poster
shonapops · 03/08/2019 10:29

I've seen the post however it can't be my ex's wife. They went on a day out, I follow her on instagram and saw a picture she put on. They didn't go to a friends house.

And before anyone says it....I've followed her for years when she first was around ds! When there were no issues at all! Not a stalker!

OP posts:
edwinbear · 03/08/2019 10:30

You and your ex are CF of the highest order. Pay for some proper childcare like the rest of us do.

MarthasGinYard · 03/08/2019 10:30

People change details all the time on here.

And if it wasn't about you

It probably soon will be

TheChain · 03/08/2019 10:31

Also she is not obliged to take your child anywhere... if it was a day out with dad too that would be different, but if it’s just her and her DCs then she is absolutely within her rights to say no and just take them.

My DP’s Ex tries to take the piss with childcare with me too. If I take annual leave in the school holidays to spend time with my children she kicks off and says I should be having hers too... she can get to fuck in my opinion.

TheChain · 03/08/2019 10:32

@shonapops I guarantee it’s the same person and she’s changed a few details.
Even if it’s not, look at how that woman feels and you’ll see how unreasonable you’re being. She is not free childcare for you.

Disfordarkchocolate · 03/08/2019 10:32

I know this sounds hard but you seem very focused on your X and his wife providing childcare and not him being a parent. He's taken 3 weeks out of 5 to look after his son, I think that's enough. It's perfectly normal for him to want to holiday with his wife. How much childcare do you pay for in the summer. It can't be much if you X covers both half terms, half if Easter and half of Christmas?

I think it sounds like his wife has her hands full when 4 children are at home. If this is hard no wonder she is planning days out when she only has 3 with her.

TheInvestigator · 03/08/2019 10:32

Every 5 year old would be very messy and loud and rough if they weren't patented. They all want to behave that way and if you don't correct them, then they will. It is your job to correct him and every time he leaves a mess, you call him back and make him pick it up. When he refuses the food that has been cooked, you tell him to eat it or wait until the next meal. When he's rough, he gets a time out. You need to parent his bad behaviour.

Alsohuman · 03/08/2019 10:33

Just pay for bloody child care. I feel really sorry for this poor woman, nobody could possibly deserve that weeks holiday more.

sheshootssheimplores · 03/08/2019 10:34

Surely the solution is a holiday club over some of summer that you both pay half towards? Or is that too simple? 🥴

Mummyoflittledragon · 03/08/2019 10:35

Does your ex have a people carrier? If not, I think it’s very wrong they have a car, which cannot fit all of the children in. I can understand why you’d be upset by that and if your ex doesn’t pull his weight with your ds. But you’re talking to and getting upset with the wrong person. Your ex is responsible for your ds.

InTheHeatofLisbon · 03/08/2019 10:36

He takes 4 weeks holiday a year and your DS goes there whenever you need childcare. You don't need to help him have a relationship, he already has one.

DS1 goes EOW, has done all his life. That's the sole interaction he has with XH. No texts, calls, involvement in anything, no maintenance and no childcare help. At all. Ever.

You sound like, for once, you have an ex who actually is a parent to your child, and a SM who is stretching herself to the limit to help you out.

And it's not enough? You need to revise what struggling means OP, seriously.

All this because a knackered Mum asks for ONE DAY with just her own kids (so not even a bloody break for her!) and it doesn't suit you.

Using friends as free childcare as standard is a bit off too.

You need to organise proper childcare, instead of dumping your child on anyone who'll have him. It's not fair on them and it's not fair on him.

OpheliaTodd · 03/08/2019 10:37

YABVU In fact I suspect a reverse.

Maybe offer to look after her kids sometimes to give HER a break? You know, seeing as it’s so easy?

Oh and stop using exclamation marks after every fucking sentence.

pregnantandsuffering · 03/08/2019 10:39

But @shonapops nothing you've said implies she doesn't like your child? I only make one meal for the family and of course I wouldn't deliberately give DSS food he hates, but sometimes he has to eat a lunch or dinner that he isnt crazy about and that is just how it is. And it will be exactly the same once baby joins us for mealtimes. I'm never going to force something on children I know they hate but they will eat a mix and variety and learn that sometimes a meal is just about getting energy in and we have to eat things we aren't crazy about. Are these nutritious meals or just full of sugar and convenience food? Is there salad or veg or is it crisps and sausage rolls? Is she making special food for each child and singling him out with food she knows he doesn't like?

Also, I completely agree that making a mess or being too rough should be addressed. All children are messy but as the parent you teach them to be tidy, is she punishing him or saying - we don't leave a mess, please go back and clean up? If she is outright punishing him before even asking for a clean up and he is only five then you may have a point, not if she is just saying that's not how we leave things and getting him to clean up a bit or be more careful.

What is the agreed split of time with your ex? If he is due to have your son over the summer holidays then it is up to him to sort the child care - we have DSS half the time and sort out our own holiday cover and child care and that is what he will need to do also. But if you haven't agreed that he has your son over that time and his wife is helping out and you don't like it, then you need to sort out your own child care.

MummBraTheEverLeaking · 03/08/2019 10:39

I know, colour me surprised! I saw a pp saying they thought he should be looking after his child that week and not holiday with wife I thought here we go after some sensible replies it's the start of a SM pile on and while I was posting and after, all the YABU came on! I had noticed.

amiapropermum · 03/08/2019 10:40

Has to be a reverse of this:
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/stepparenting/3652258-feel-bad-for-saying-no

On the off chance it isn't, it sounds like your ex's wife has a lot on her plate, especially with a child who has special needs and a baby. Less last-minute requests I think.

Isatis · 03/08/2019 10:40

If they've managed six people in a five seater car before, it would have been illegal and I suspect for a short journey at most.

You say your child is very messy and expects people to cook something different for him if he doesn't like what's on offer. Maybe if you educated him out of both of those traits he would enjoy his time with his stepmother more.

Notthebradybunch · 03/08/2019 10:40

Seriously, this has to be a joke, reading your replies...you have to be the CF I ever saw on here!

ILOVM2 · 03/08/2019 10:41

YABU. Very very very unreasonable. Your happy for this woman to be your free child care but you don’t like her disciplining your child, who by your own admission is a “hurricane”. Also I think it’s a bit much for you to ask them to have your son overnight at the last minute and not like it when they already have plans.

You need to get a grip OP. I feel very sorry for your ex’s wife who already has other children to look after including a baby and a child with special needs. Your son NEEDS to be told when he’s being too rough with baby.

ArfArfBarf · 03/08/2019 10:41

He's taken 3 weeks out of 5 to look after his son, I think that's enough.

3/5 weeks of his holiday allowance sounds good until you remember there are 13 weeks of school holidays to cover each year.

It sounds like your ad hoc arrangements aren’t working well anymore. Your dh needs to cover a fair share of the school holidays. If he doesn’t want to take holiday to cover his share, he needs to pay for holiday care.