To think ex's wife doesn't like my son!

[shonapops]

She's been in ds life since he was about 18 months old. As soon as I felt comfortable with her being round ds I thought she was really nice. Ds enjoyed time with her and it meant my ex could spend more time with ds as she could help with childcare. Ds was always happy around her. Now he is 5 and it's changed.

She's looked after ds a couple of days over summer and he's come home saying he hasn't enjoyed himself and she keeps telling him off.

Now I know ds is hard work, but aren't all 5 year olds? I call him a tornado but all he's friends are the same. And her dcs are abit older too so I'm sure she knows.

I ask ds if she tells off any of her own dcs - she has 3 but one is a baby and he says no. He's the only one that gets told off. The eldest one has special needs so I know that it's probably different with her telling him off.

I asked ds what he is being told off for and it's because he's made a mess or is being too rough with the baby. He also didn't like the lunch she made but said she wouldn't make anything else for him. I know it must be hard having 4 kids in the house but I'm a bit concerned my ds is being treated unfairly! He's not being really naughty and he's coming home saying he's been bored all day and not had fun at all and just been shouted at.

Also....ds just went around for tea the other night and I was supposed to collect him later. I rang my ex to suggest ds could sleep there to spend more time with my ex and I would collect ds the next day after work. My ex told me he couldn't sleep as his wife had plans - a day out somewhere - and wasn't willing to take ds. On the days she has ds, they just seem to be stuck at home and she takes her own dcs out on seperate days. It would be nice for my ds to be included more! I really feel she just doesn't like him. He should be included in the family.

I do appreciate everything she does and I know she must have her hands full but I just feel ds is being treated unfairly and I don't know what to do about it! Shall I say something to my ex? Don't really want any friction.

I've used all my holidays up so I'm struggling for childcare this summer hols. My ex has also used his up over Easter and half terms. I know he has to take some holidays over Christmas too which doesn't leave him with any. But he has told me he has a week left which I've asked if he could use over the days I'm struggling with in summer but he's told me no as he's saving them to have a week away with his wife which has annoyed me also. I need his help!

She is looking after ds one day next week and he's telling me he doesn't want to go but I have no one else to look after him. I've suggested he be a good boy and really try hard while he is there and then maybe he will get a treat?

What shall I say to my ex if anything? I like his wife and yes I know she helps out so much. I do appreciate it and am thankful. But ds is just not happy.

OP has said she's going to take steps to remedy the situation now, so that's good. This is clearly a situation where it's going to be necessary to pay for holiday care.

Fwiw, it sounds like ex's DW dislikes the situation more so than the child. She's just doing stuff to make her life easier, most likely. And for all that OP has taken a deserved pasting here, the ex has got off pretty lightly. He's at least as responsible for this situation as OP is, more since she didn't choose to add another child to the mix. Ex did.

Ah, just seen the older two are from a previous relationship.

It’s up to the OP to arrange childcare for her child, if she’s working, not the ex or his wife. He has other children and his wife to consider too. His wife is doing her very best, yet it’s never enough. What about his other child/children, do they not deserve to have a holiday with their father, because his wife wants free childcare.

He has one other child with his new partner which was seemingly conceived at a time when his initial co-parent was already struggling with adequate childcare. Now, his resources need to be directed at his two children before he can think about partners and step kids.

As a bio mum of a kid with special needs and a step mum, there is no fucking way I would take 4 kids out for the day on my own.

I have two eyes and two hands - imagine trying to deal with a baby and three more, including a ‘tornado’ at a soft play, without upsetting other kids and their parents? Crikey.

I think it’s one of those things where you need to step back and think about your days as days you need to sort your ds out. If they’ll have him that’s a bonus, but you can’t expect them to. And vice versa, on their days they sort him out and if you can help them great but if not it’s on your ex to sort it.

It all seems a bit muddled and like you’re all in each other’s pockets rather than falling back on the contact schedule and using that to guide things.

I can see both sides of this.

I am a step mum and my kids go to their dads who occasionally has a lady friend.

My personal experience was quite horrendous, she picked up in everything I did, she said nasty things about me to her kids and then when she didn't get a response she began targeting my children. Told her children to call my son with asthma limp lung.

I did everything for her children to make them feel welcome, included them in everything. Her son doesn't eat anything but chips and processed foods. Which I really struggled with as we eat proper dinners, when asked what he has for tea it would be super noodles, nuggets, sausages, chips, burgers and that she gave vitamins so he didn't need fruit or veg.

I had them every holiday and every second weekend. I had them whilst my partner worked which was all the time including weekends. I was absolutely knackered.

I even got messages such as ' the children told me you've moved the Xbox to their rooms, I'm not happy that the kids are upstairs so you and her can snuggle downstairs, that's their time with you'

I seriously couldn't win, no matter how grown up the response to her was' it ended up splitting myself and my partner up.

Then the children hardly got to see him as he had work. It went to the occasional pick up to take them out for tea and drop them off again at 9pm.

We did end up back together, the children are actually here for the week this week. Rules changed though. I no longer put up with her constant 'righteousness' and 'bullying' I'm not here to be her punch bag or look after her children only to be attacked via text messages because she only saw one side. I'm not her personal babysitter.

They come over once a month for the weekend and extra time in holidays but not the whole holidays. I work at a school so always have the holidays off which worked out well for her for a while.

We have a great time, sometimes we stay in, sometimes we go out. I had to buy a people carrier as we couldn't get everyone in car, so had to use two cars for ages.

On the other side.. I've had my ex tell me he didn't want his kids for the two weeks he has off in holiday because he wanted his own time. He uses his other paid holiday in term time so gets that time to himself.

This all gets so complicated. People should always try and view both sides. No pre judgements, no assumptions. The kids will have a better time of it.

Anyway. Mine turned into a personal rant lol apologies!

See the thing is she wanted the help but then hated that her kids liked me. I think she was hoping it to turn out more like your experience, where they weren't so keen to come round.

Takes sensible communicative parenting and adulting.

OMG you are such an entitled CF! Pay for your own bloody childcare. Go halfs with your ex for Summer holiday clubs like the rest of us do. I would never expect that my DD's step mum would provide free childcare to support me working. You're really taking the piss out of that poor woman.

And I wouldn't be keen on taking "a tornado" out on a day trip either. I'd probably stay at home to manage difficult behaviour. I also wouldn't cook diddums a separate lunch - he needs to be told to eat what's in front of him. You're doing that thing folk do of jumping to extremes as well, "Maybe her dcs are perfect". No one said that, it's just that by your own admission your DS is badly behaved at times and I'm sure she's managing as best she can. You are lucky you have ANYONE offering free childcare for you. Most of us don't have that. Marrying your ex doesn't make her your free childminder. Unbelievable.

I think the OP is being given a hard time here.

If there are appropriately 14 weeks school holidays in a year, then it's the OP's job to find childcare for 7 of those weeks & the father's job to find childcare for the other 7.

Ideally this would be sorted at the start of each year, so each family could make plans.

It doesn't matter if the dad has gone on to have zero children or 50, he still needs to sort childcare (from his now-wife or paid for) for "his" 7 weeks.

Ideally he would also sort out 50% of the school drop offs/pick-ups, sick days, homework etc etc.

The OP is not being unfair to expect the father to be a parent.

If his new wife doesn't want to be childcare for her husband's kids, that's for the 2 of them to sort between themselves, she should have gone into the relationship expecting 7 weeks of childcare to be done by them as a minimum (on top of usual contact).

What kind of decent parent wouldn't want to be responsible for 50% of their DC childcare?

He's a dick if he thinks he can pick & choose the bits he wants to & dump the rest on the OP/his new wife.

The plain truth is that it is your ex who is the parent of your child, not his wife. She might have her hands full (she has a B A B Y) so it is a bit unfair of your ex and yourself to expect her to provide childcare when she has too Ichihara stuff going on.

The fact they are married is irrelevant, if your ex is not pulling his weight (I deduct that is the case as he was happy to refuse to help you when his wife had “plans”) then she has every right to concentrate on who needs her most: a baby and a child with special needs.

Having said that, this situation is NOT the fault at all of your kid. He should be cherished and made feel welcome but if at this time she is too busy and your ex is not devoting the time he should to his kid on the few contact days they have. It is much kinder to send your kid to a holiday club for a week than insist in him being treated like that because it is his dad turn to help.

Put your child first, if contact is making him feel miserable at this time and his dad doesn’t want to help, find something better for your son to do than go and be threaten as a burden at the other house.

Ichara? Weirdest autocorrect ever... that was supposed to say “much”

I wonder if it is a space issue with regards to going out with regards to transport?

The not making a separate lunch, without a doubt YABU and you should be backing her up on it, it is the same at my house with my own kids, I make it and you eat it (unless it is something that I know they hate of course).

She has every right to correct his behaviour if she is watching him and you should remain neutral about that unless you have reason to think she is being unkind rather that your son being a fairly typical rowdy 5 year old who can be too rough with babies and make messes that he doesn't want to clean.

If you want your son to have specific activities during the summer then I'd suggest you and your ex look up proper childcare and pay for it

This with bells on

AND if DH doesn’t like the lunch there, you need to provide one.

@Hooferdoofer37 to be fair we don't really know anything about their situation. You only have to visit the divorce/separation board to see that when a man suggests 50/50 care the mother is almost always told that she should not agree to it and that he only wants to avoid paying maintenance. Someone also always says that 50/50 arrangements don't benefit the child and they do better with a stable home 'base' with their primary carer.

Now I know ds is hard work, but aren't all 5 year olds? I call him a tornado but all he's friends are the same. And her dcs are abit older too so I'm sure she knows.
I've got 3. One I would describe as lively. None would I describe as a tornado. Thing is too, you can have one child being a "tornado" when you have more children it turns very quickly from one tornado into a full blown disaster as they bounce off each other.
I know if I have any one of mine (and mine now are much older) that I can let them get away with far more than if I have any two, because stopping one is easy, compared with 2. But also because they can't bounce it back and forth between them "it was him first" "he did that...." "No it was him..."

I ask ds if she tells off any of her own dcs - she has 3 but one is a baby and he says no. He's the only one that gets told off.
That's an old one. I can send all three of mine to their rooms and spend exactly the same length of time in each room telling them why they are there. Or I can tell them all off in front of me. They'll still all swear I only blamed them and the others got off.
It's not entirely a lie at that age. It's more that they're self centred so another child being told off doesn't register in the same way-as it shouldn't.
Mine are teens but I can still have conversations that go along the lines of:

Me: Dc1 Put your plate in the dishwasher before you go
Dc1:
Dc2: Oh! I'm running late, I'm meeting someone in ten minutes.
Me: Put your plate in the dishwasher.
Dc2: I haven't time.
Me: It takes thirty seconds, do it or you don't go.
Dc2: It's not fair. You never make dc1 put their plate in. They never do it. You're just picking on me.... You always pick on me....
Me:

I asked ds what he is being told off for and it's because he's made a mess or is being too rough with the baby. He also didn't like the lunch she made but said she wouldn't make anything else for him. I know it must be hard having 4 kids in the house but I'm a bit concerned my ds is being treated unfairly!
That sounds like same rules for all (except baby), so he's being treated the same. When you have 4 kids then you need rules that they all stick to. That's fair.

@Hooferdoofer37

If his new wife doesn't want to be childcare for her husband's kids, that's for him to sort. She should have gone into the relationship expecting 7 weeks of childcare to be done by him as a minimum (on top of usual contact)

I fixed that for you.

All I'm saying is my ds is so fond of his step siblings and half sibling! I think it's great he loves them so much! I won't be having anymore dcs so this is all he has! It's important to me he spends time with them!

why don't you do her a favour and take all the kids out for the day?

I also think that as an only child he gets away with so much more at home and he is struggling to fit in with others.

How’s he coping at school amongst 30 kids?

If your son is messy and there is a baby and a child with special needs in the mix then their home will need to be tidy for health and safety reasons let alone anything else. I have looked after my DSD and my children often by myself and it can be draining. If she went out for the day just with her dcs you don't know who paid for it etc. I have to say SM in this case deserves a weeks holiday with her husband and may be you and your ex should be buying her a sis day treat.

• spa day

So your ex's wife has 3 kids of her own, one with special needs and one still just a baby, and you are upset because she sometimes tells your DS off, when you yourself admitted that he can be hard work? What do you expect her to do exactly when he is being rough with her baby if she is not allowed to tell him off? I think you are asking too much of her and YABU.

If this isn't some kind of strange reverse, you are a CF of the highest order!!!!

But the SM is looking after the child for her DP - his father. For him to do none of the summer holidays is not acceptable. How he organises his child care is his problem and if he chooses his wife then she needs to have a conversation with him about what she will or will not do for his other child. Nothing to do with the OP.

My Ex expects me to look after our DCS all summer- he takes no time off and I fork out for child care +++++++++. He turns up random days and takes them out - circa today - phone call at 0930 pick them up at 1130 and drop them back at 1500ish. It helps me not one iota.

Shes not though stuffed shes doing it for op as well! Op doesnt sort half the child care out. She is using SM as her childcare.

Sm might not have a problem with helping out her husband on his weeks but maybe she doesnt want to do it for op AS WELL.

Do you have her children for the days your off work so she can have a break?

@Hooferdoofer37 the wife is providing childcare. The OP is complaining that she tells him off, doesn't give him a separate meal and doesn't take him out. Or unexpectedly keep him overnight on a whim of OPs. That is why the OP is getting a hard time.