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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want to say something to my sister about my niece

284 replies

user4627462167123 · 02/08/2019 18:07

I honestly dont know aibu? My sister had my little niece 4 months ago, since birth he has been healthy, not had any issues or health problems. However, she is very possessive and doesn't like anyone holding the baby. She is very reluctant to let myself or my other brother or sisterr hold her, to the point where it has been awkward on a couple of occasions. At his christening, she didnt let one single person hold him and refused anybody that asked. None of us smoke or drink, we all wash and sanitise our hands before we even go near him. She won't let anyone that smokes in the vicinity of my niece, she won't let them go near her belongings, or be in the same car or same room as my niece. She hasn't let me children- one of which is a teenager- or my brother's children (who are of a similar age and a bit younger) hold her yet. When I have tried to quietly mention that it would be nice to have a cuddle she becomes defence and says the baby is tired etc, even though he is wide awake!! Its starting to become an issue and I dont know what to do. If I say something I am worried that it will cause a rift, as when I have gently mentioned things before she has gotten very defensive. There is no backstory, we have always been close- i have three children of my own so I know what it feels like to have a baby and also how to look after them! Just any advice, as I dont want to hurt her feelings but I am sad as I just want to get close to my little niece.

OP posts:
Original poster
user4627462167123 · 02/08/2019 18:09

Sorry for the typos!! Blush! I am outside and between barely seeing the screen and autocorrect, my post is a bit all over the place!
His= Her, silly autocorrect

OP posts:
PaquitaVariation · 02/08/2019 18:10

I agree with you that it’s odd, and I would be slightly concerned for her mental health if it continues. However she really doesn’t have to let anyone hold her baby if she doesn’t want to, even if you would really like to. There’s not a lot you can do and talking to her about it is unlikely to improve the situation. I’d just watch and wait.

plantwhisperer · 02/08/2019 18:11

Her baby her rules Confused I wouldn't want to be passing round my baby either to be honest! Also wouldn't like loads of visitors.

HypatiaCade · 02/08/2019 18:12

YANBcompletelyU, however, I wouldn't recommend forcing the issue. If she's not avoiding you entirely, then she is feeling a natural maternal defensiveness, but in overdrive. It might be PND, it might be anxiety, it could be anything causing this.

Could you sit with an arm around your sister, and just gently stroke your niece while your sister is holding her? And make it more about your sister, than your niece for a bit? Something like "She's so gorgeous and you're so wonderful with her".

tiredybear · 02/08/2019 18:12

Give her time. I know it must be frustrating, but the baby is only 4 months old. Lots of mums prefer not to pass the parcel with the baby at first.
On the other hand, does your sister seem well in herself otherwise? It could be a symptom of post partum anxiety....

tiredybear · 02/08/2019 18:13

lovely advice from HypatiaCade!

Original poster
user4627462167123 · 02/08/2019 18:14

I do feel a bit worried incase its the onset of post natal depression or anxiety? I know its her baby and her rules, and I haven't visited without prior arrangement as I understand how tiring and stressful it was with a newborn.

OP posts:
Original poster
user4627462167123 · 02/08/2019 18:16

@hypatia thats a lovely idea, thank you! I am worried for my sister, as I haven't known anyone to be like this with their baby, but I am unsure if she is just reacting differently! The last thing I want to do is upset her, but I just want to know she is okay and also have the chance to bond with my little niece.

OP posts:
MatildaTheCat · 02/08/2019 18:17

I would speak to her partner and see if he has any concerns. That degree of anxiety is not normal. Being held occasionally by aunts and cousins is not passing the baby round.

Maybe show him a list of PND symptoms and say you are feeling concerned?

BogglesGoggles · 02/08/2019 18:19

I’m sorry, I don’t see the issue. It’s a child, not a doll. You don’t have any right to hold her. Obviously it’s s bit odd but it’s not something that should cause a rift amongst rational adults.

HypatiaCade · 02/08/2019 18:20

You have all the time in the world to bond with your niece. You really do. Remember right now it's your sister's voice she recognises, not yours. She's still not even able to recognise your face at the moment. Right now your sister sounds like she needs your love and understanding. Support her. Oh and if you sit and chat with your sister, while she holds your niece, your niece will learn to recognise your voice too.

PreseaCombatir · 02/08/2019 18:21

Smother mother.
In a few years she’ll be talking about how he ‘just won’t settle’ for anyone but her. I don’t know why people are like this, it’s so odd, like they’re determined to not let their baby bond with any one else in their family. I know a few people who were like this, and have now graduated to forcing themselves into situations where the kids are quite happy doing heir own thing. It’s like they get jealous or something, if the kids go to or want to spend time with someone else.

WorraLiberty · 02/08/2019 18:23

'Pass the baby round'

'Pass the parcel'

'Not a doll'

No-one has suggested any of those things. This is a 4 month old baby that some family members would simply like to hold/cuddle for a small while.

OP, she does sound as though she has extreme anxiety.

IDontDrinkTea · 02/08/2019 18:23

YABU. I hate the fact that people always assume they have a right to pass my baby round. She doesn’t want cuddles with all and sundry, babies would rather be with their mum

SummerHouse · 02/08/2019 18:24

Is the baby a boy or girl? Sorry off topic but all the hims and hers and she's and he's have confused me. Confused

BarrenFieldofFucks · 02/08/2019 18:25

It's a little OTT, but tbh the baby is very little and she doesn't have to pass her around. I'm not convinced that your concern doesn't primarily come from a want to hold the baby, more than worry for her. One of my babies was very anti being held by anyone bar me or my husband for a fair few months.

Your kids etc will certainly not be harmed by not holding her.

newmomof1 · 02/08/2019 18:26

As a new mom I completely understand where your sister is coming from.

I don't mind some people holding DD but there are others where it really bothers me.

At the end of the day, she's a new mom and probably is worried about other people holding the baby, particularly nieces and nephews, and it's not up to you to decide whether she's being unreasonable.
Let her enjoy her baby and stop trying to patronise her.

SmellbowSpaceBowl · 02/08/2019 18:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mathanxiety · 02/08/2019 18:28

YABU.

Until you have a baby of your own you will find it hard to appreciate how immensely strong the protective instinct is in a mother.

There is nothing wrong with your sister's refusal to let others hold the baby. She is not a toy that everyone gets a turn at.

Stop pressuring her and let her enjoy her baby herself. Badgering a mother to hold the baby can cause huge anxiety.

JesusInTheCabbageVan · 02/08/2019 18:30

YANBU, but as a pp said, could it be PND? I had PND when DS was small and was extremely precious in other respects - planning days around his nap times, scared to go too far from the house etc. He would also scream for hours in the evening after a day of being passed round family, so I did try to limit that.

Livebythecoast · 02/08/2019 18:30

Maybe it's not the holding of the baby but the possible kisses that might go with it?
Some Mum's are terrified about other people kissing their child cos of germs, infections etc so it might be the temptation to plant a little kiss on her baby when other people are holding her that worries her more.
Good advice from Hypatia too

Original poster
user4627462167123 · 02/08/2019 18:31

I know my kids won't be harmed by not holding her! And I completely understood why my sister didn't want them to hold her to begin with. But as time has worn on, I thought she might have encouraged a bit more contact with the baby and the rest of the family.
Im not for one minute asking for the baby to be passed round like a parcel, or held constantly. Just a little cuddle whilst we are catching up. @Barren, of course want to get close to my little niece, but I am also concerned for my sister. @WorraLiberty she has suffered with anxiety in the past, although has seemed to cope much better the last few years. I almost feel that she is worried something might happen to the baby and all the time that she is holding her that nothing can happen, but I could be wrong- thats just how I feel.

OP posts:
mathanxiety · 02/08/2019 18:32

And please don't hang up on her with lists of PND symptoms.

I have never met any new mother who was happy to let anyone, relatives included, hold the baby, and when they did there was always a certain watchfulness to the mother.

Be thankful that your sister has established a strong bond with her baby and that her instincts have kicked in.

clottedcreamoverjam · 02/08/2019 18:32

ts starting to become an issue and I dont know what to do. If I say something I am worried that it will cause a rift, as when I have gently mentioned things before she has gotten very defensive.
Sorry but not your baby.
What good is it going to do to say anything?
What are you trying to achieve?
Is it so you can get some cuddles?
It could be choice, PND, anxiety or simply she wants to.
I have never said a peep to my siblings about how they are raising their children and I do not think I am entitled to cuddles.

SheisMammyof2 · 02/08/2019 18:33

I wouldn't jump to conclusions but I would keep an eye on her as it is a classic symptom of PND. Has she got a DP? Is he concerned? Can you visit/help her out without any expectation of holding the baby.. just being there for her?