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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want to say something to my sister about my niece

284 replies

user4627462167123 · 02/08/2019 18:07

I honestly dont know aibu? My sister had my little niece 4 months ago, since birth he has been healthy, not had any issues or health problems. However, she is very possessive and doesn't like anyone holding the baby. She is very reluctant to let myself or my other brother or sisterr hold her, to the point where it has been awkward on a couple of occasions. At his christening, she didnt let one single person hold him and refused anybody that asked. None of us smoke or drink, we all wash and sanitise our hands before we even go near him. She won't let anyone that smokes in the vicinity of my niece, she won't let them go near her belongings, or be in the same car or same room as my niece. She hasn't let me children- one of which is a teenager- or my brother's children (who are of a similar age and a bit younger) hold her yet. When I have tried to quietly mention that it would be nice to have a cuddle she becomes defence and says the baby is tired etc, even though he is wide awake!! Its starting to become an issue and I dont know what to do. If I say something I am worried that it will cause a rift, as when I have gently mentioned things before she has gotten very defensive. There is no backstory, we have always been close- i have three children of my own so I know what it feels like to have a baby and also how to look after them! Just any advice, as I dont want to hurt her feelings but I am sad as I just want to get close to my little niece.

OP posts:
Original poster
user4627462167123 · 02/08/2019 19:17

@nocauserebel- thank you! This is exactly what I was thinking- that as a sister, I have a duty to look out for my sister and say something if I am concerned- turned to mumsnet for advice for fear of doing the wrong thing. I am routine driven with my children- with 3 you just have to be! But something doesn't sit right, I love my niece, because she is my sisters child, and thats why it hurts. It isn't about me, I understand that, I just want to understand why she may act in that way.

OP posts:
breaconoptimist · 02/08/2019 19:19

So she won’t accept help either? That’s the angle I’d go in with, front and centre. Not cuddling the baby bit what help does she need, what will she let you do?

Quartz2208 · 02/08/2019 19:20

Given that you have a teenager am I right in thinking that your sister is an older first time mum - possibly having thought that it would not come (due to relationship) or IVF.

It sounds to me as if she had an ideal concept of parenting (and believe me with what I am about to say YOUR experiences of parenting Im afraid do not count here) and the reality is very different. As such she is clinging to a routine and the baby in the hope it will get better.

First off forget about holding your niece this is not what you need to focus on here. She is your sister and she is clearly struggling with this. She needs your support and help not your judgement that you are not allowed to bond with your niece. Because truthfully the chances are SHE is struggling with bonding with her daughter and tha tis the bond you need to focus on and help

breaconoptimist · 02/08/2019 19:21

I agree with quartz. I was an idiot with my first baby but I’d had struggles to have her, it had taken ages and I’d worked myself up into a frenzy. There are many things I’d change, with hindsight but you don’t know what you don’t know.

thinkingcapon · 02/08/2019 19:21

@user4627462167123 you sound like a lovely sister. I'd be really sad if my sister hadn't held my son from the very start...

I may have missed this in the thread, apologies if I have, couldn't you just have a chat with her about this? If my sister was concerned about me she'd be on it straight away x

NoCauseRebel · 02/08/2019 19:23

Is your sister planning to go back to work OP? Because if she is and she is already struggling, sending her baby to nursery is going to potentially be the icing on the cake.

And ignore anyone who says that it’s none of your business whether your sister could have PND. The reality is that many women do have PND and either don’t recognise the symptoms or don’t want to admit to them for fear of what could happen to them e.g. their baby being taken away or similar. Of course this doesn’t generally happen but when you’re suffering from PND your thinking isn’t necessarily rational iyswim.

At the very least I would speak to her partner and ask if he feels that everything is ok.

FWIW does she see the health visitor? Has she had baby vaccinated etc? If so how does she e.g. cope with baby being taken off her to be weighed etc?

Ginkeepsmesane · 02/08/2019 19:24

You sound like a really concerned sister that is looking out for the needs of your loved one, and I agree, it does sound like there's a bit of an issue.
If you live nearby, would there be a chance that you know her Health visitor? It could be worth having a word and asking if they'd arrange an extra visit to check her well being. They would happily keep what you say private whilst also using their knowledge to ascertain if there is anything to be concerned about.

Original poster
user4627462167123 · 02/08/2019 19:24

@Quartz2208 she is an average age mum, she hasn't had troubles conceiving, i dont want to say for fear of being outing- but we have spoken in length about the situation. Thank you @thinkingcapon, when I have gently tried to speak to her about it, she has become defensive, which has caused me to drop the subject- as I fear she might feel attacked and I don't want to make the situation worse.

OP posts:
Izzwizzo · 02/08/2019 19:24

Personally, I think it’s lovely that you are so worried about your sister, it shows how much you care about her. Not sure about all the slightly harsh comments about whether or not it’s right to want to hold the baby. As a first time Mum of a nine week old who spent nearly 4 weeks in neo natal, I have days where I want to be the only person holding her but generally I’m more than happy for family and close friends to give her a cuddle. It could well be anxiety or PND so perhaps it might be worth having a gentle chat about whether or not she’s still getting any post natal support from her health visitor or how she’s feeling? I’ve asked for lots of support from my HV as I was very anxious initially. If the conversation focuses on her and how she’s feeling then she might decide to confide any worries to you. Dealing with the underlying issue if there is one would also probably change her feelings towards others holding her daughter. Keep talking to her and taking care of her and I know in time she’ll look back on your support and it’ll mean the world to her

OkPedro · 02/08/2019 19:28

whatafackingliberty hazmat suit 😂😂

Original poster
user4627462167123 · 02/08/2019 19:29

Thank you for the most recent lovely posts. I know that she has got the baby weighed/vaccinated but I am not sure how she handled it when it happened. @NoCauseRebel she is planning on going back to work and putting baby in nursery- I honestly cannot see that happening but I could be wrong. @Ginkeepsmesane I think I would feel it would be a bit of an overstep to speak to the health visitor- and if she ever found out I dont think she would thank me for it. @Izzwizzo- thank you for the idea of how to bring the subject up indirectly- I think something like this would be the best way in. Thank you

OP posts:
MinisterforCheekyFuckery · 02/08/2019 19:29

She won't let anyone that smokes in the vicinity of my niece, she won't let them go near her belongings, or be in the same car or same room as my niece.

I think this is absolutely fair enough to be honest. I would hate for my baby to be handed back to me stinking of smoke. Even before I had DC I have always disliked having to share a confined space such as a car with a smoker so I don't think she is unreasonable at all on the smoking issue.

thinkingcapon · 02/08/2019 19:31

I'm sure she will get defensive......but you could start the conversation again by saying that you're a bit concerned and that you wanted to speak to her calmly about it again because you love her and want to make sure she's ok? If it was my nephew or niece I'd really want to give him a cuddle so I'd ask my sister why I couldn't?!x

Original poster
user4627462167123 · 02/08/2019 19:33

@minister- even if that person hadn't smoked for several hours? And didn't have a cigarette when in the company of the baby? I also hate smoking and wouldnt allow it near my children or a smoker to hold my children when they were little, but being near a smoker (who isn't smoking) is not any worse than breathing in air in london.

OP posts:
LoafofSellotape · 02/08/2019 19:33

I’m sorry, I don’t see the issue. It’s a child, not a doll

Only on MN, back in the real world families like to hold babies especially ones they are related closely to!

Greencustard · 02/08/2019 19:34

Oh and I wouldn't appreciate anyone trying to figure out if I had PND. Or keeping an eye
In this day and age everyone knows about it and can talk to partners or professionals about it

My SIL had severe PND. If it wasn't for the family keeping an eye and getting her medical intervention, god knows what could have happened. Her husband was totally out of his depth and couldn't deal with it on his own.

Original poster
user4627462167123 · 02/08/2019 19:35

@thinkingcapon when I have asked why, she has made an excuse each time. Such as he's hot, nothing of any substance. If she said to me that he has been restless and she wants to keep him settled- I would understand completely. But after 4 months, I have to think that there is something more going on as to why she won't let me hold him. After all this time, the opportunity should have arisen at least once- I see her 1/2 times a week.

OP posts:
Greencustard · 02/08/2019 19:38

I have never met any new mother who was happy to let anyone, relatives included, hold the baby, and when they did there was always a certain watchfulness to the mother

That's not true for everyone though is it? I had no problem with family members having a hold/cuddle. In fact, no-one in my family or my friends have, it's completely normal. I find it very odd that a 4month old baby has not had cuddles from their family.

LadyRannaldini · 02/08/2019 19:45

But I thought that this was the MN way, 'our little family'?

AngelasAshes · 02/08/2019 19:48

What rubbish to say this is not normal! And then to speculate on PND.
FGS, we did attachment parenting with ours and no one held our baby other than myself and DH until they were crawling age (8 mos or so).
Please do not medicalise what is simply a parenting decision.

BakedBeeeen · 02/08/2019 19:48

YANBU - There is something definitely very very wrong going on here... you see your sister once or twice a week and the baby is 4 months old. And you are the baby's aunt not a random stranger. I agree with PPs that you need to tread carefully.

NoSauce · 02/08/2019 19:49

Ok if you’re not attachment parenting, it’s not normal.

BakedBeeeen · 02/08/2019 19:50

PS. I think you sound lovely - very caring, and worried for good reason.

Fontofnoknowledge · 02/08/2019 19:50

Op I would ignore all the self righteous.. 'it's not your baby,' 'don't pass it around' 'no one wants a pass the parcel' clap trap.. unless your sister has always been a majorly uptight weirdo.. I am guessing this IS NOT the case as you sound genuinely worried.. and it sounds like the behaviour is out of character and extreme.. especially the Christening scenario... because this type of behaviour is not normal- in normal families , with normal loving relationships. Which it sounds like yours is.. (MN However is populated by a lot of very strange people with even more peculiar ideas)..

So personally- I would keep an eye on her and be alert for PND symptoms. It sounds like her anxiety is off the scale and may need medication to assist ..

newmomof1 · 02/08/2019 19:54

Could it be that there's a very legitimate reason for her not being comfortable with you holding the baby and she's just too polite to tell you?

You seem close. Is she as close with your brother?
Did she regularly hold your DCs when they were little?

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