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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want to say something to my sister about my niece

284 replies

user4627462167123 · 02/08/2019 18:07

I honestly dont know aibu? My sister had my little niece 4 months ago, since birth he has been healthy, not had any issues or health problems. However, she is very possessive and doesn't like anyone holding the baby. She is very reluctant to let myself or my other brother or sisterr hold her, to the point where it has been awkward on a couple of occasions. At his christening, she didnt let one single person hold him and refused anybody that asked. None of us smoke or drink, we all wash and sanitise our hands before we even go near him. She won't let anyone that smokes in the vicinity of my niece, she won't let them go near her belongings, or be in the same car or same room as my niece. She hasn't let me children- one of which is a teenager- or my brother's children (who are of a similar age and a bit younger) hold her yet. When I have tried to quietly mention that it would be nice to have a cuddle she becomes defence and says the baby is tired etc, even though he is wide awake!! Its starting to become an issue and I dont know what to do. If I say something I am worried that it will cause a rift, as when I have gently mentioned things before she has gotten very defensive. There is no backstory, we have always been close- i have three children of my own so I know what it feels like to have a baby and also how to look after them! Just any advice, as I dont want to hurt her feelings but I am sad as I just want to get close to my little niece.

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 04/08/2019 09:46

You are confusing societal norm “normal” with different but not bat shit crazy “normal”

No I'm not. I used the word 'norm' deliberately.

And I do think actually, that that level of 'attachment parenting' is unnatural and verging on batshit. I just didn't want to be that rude. But now I've had to explain further, that's my view.

happycamper11 · 04/08/2019 09:54

I’ve known a couple of people like this, the anxiety has rubbed off on the children and has affected their social development to the point the child becomes fearful of even family member adults then as the child gets older they use the childs fear to further refuse others to get to spend time with the child which socially isolated them more. It’s become a huge hinderance to the child settling at nursery. One person admits separation anxiety and that she had pnd but still won’t let the children out of her sight except for school and reduced hours of nursery. Older child still cries every day doing in to school after several years and younger I suspect will be worse when they start. Sorry I have no advice as I know how defensive people in that mindset can be but YANBU to be concerned

happycamper11 · 04/08/2019 10:10

It's the baby who never seems to have any separation anxiety who you should be very concerned about - that baby has never established a strong bond with a primary caregiver.

What nonsense, my dd has never suffered from separation anxiety. She’s just a supremely confident little person with very strong bonds with both myself and bonded quickly with new people and family members too. Confidence comes from feeling secure. Due to circumstances she was well socialised right from being a newborn and I absolutely think it made a difference. Dd2 didn’t have the same early upbringing and she’s far more clingy/less confident around people but again separation anxiety hasn’t been an issue, she could always be left with my mum for example and we have a super close bond.

saraclara · 04/08/2019 10:18

Only a tiny tiny minority of children have parents who did attachment parenting. Yet the vast majority of children don't have separation anxiety. So clearly AP isn't essential in order to have confident children.

Middersweekly · 04/08/2019 10:55

Some women actually have such a strong primal nurture instinct that it takes over what society perceives as normal. Your sister is not doing it to be cruel she’s keeping her baby at arms length from perceived danger. It’s a very primal instinct and some women have this in spades whereas others not so much. I had this with my own 4 children actually and hated anyone going near them! I did come out of the hormonal cloud eventually. All of my children are very well rounded and none suffered because people didn’t get to hold them as babies!

Teachermaths · 04/08/2019 10:59

Only a tiny tiny minority of children have parents who did attachment parenting. Yet the vast majority of children don't have separation anxiety. So clearly AP isn't essential in order to have confident children.

Hear hear

AmITheCrazyOne2 · 04/08/2019 11:38

You have to respect the wishes of your sister ESPECIALLY if baby and mum are healthy

AmITheCrazyOne2 · 04/08/2019 11:46

You sound like a child who's spat it's funny out OP. A baby is not a toy. Not a possession. Your sister is probably right to not let you hold the baby.

AmITheCrazyOne2 · 04/08/2019 11:46

*dummy lol

LovePoppy · 04/08/2019 11:51

It saddens me so much that when a woman doesn’t do what others want her to do, that she’s still labels as crazy/hormonal. Especially by other women

Slither, after reading this, I’m more concerned about the pathological need of women. who aren’t the mother of a child, to hold an infant. If you honestly can’t bind without holding a child, maybe you need to get your hormones looked at?

Gosh, that doesn’t feel nice to be judged as hormonal, does it.

If someone doesn’t want to hand over theiro child, get the fuck over yourselves

barryfromclareisfit · 04/08/2019 12:30

Well said, LovePoppy.

Sparklynails77 · 04/08/2019 14:25

Does she have a husband/boyfriend? Is she possessive with the baby even around him? If she hates her partner holding the baby then there's some real mental issues that she needs to sort out. It's a bit weird that you've said no adult family members have been able to hold the baby yet. The baby is 4 months, not 4 weeks.

newmomof1 · 04/08/2019 14:41

@Sparklynails77 RTFT. DH has a completely healthy relationship with the baby.

OP has held the baby twice. She's just upset that she can't hold the baby more often.

I'd love to hear the story from her sisters perspective.

spam390 · 04/08/2019 14:55

@ LovePoppy

''If you honestly can’t bind without holding a child, maybe you need to get your hormones looked at? ''

Geezee, it's a well documented FACT that lack of physical touching affects bonding ! This means that it's extremely difficult for a human being to develop a close loving bond without physical touch !

Why do you think neonatal units encourage holding, feeding, changing and skin to skin ?

It's not only the parents who need the act of physical touch/ cuddling etc to be able to develop an emotional bond, every human on the planet needs touch !!!!!!!!

And as for the 'labelling women as hormonal' issue you have, just after giving birth EVERY woman on the entire planet is bloody hormonal ! If you think it's insulting to recognise this then I think you are batshit crazy :(

MidsomerBurgers · 04/08/2019 15:13

OP, YANBU.

There are some really weird ideas of parenting on MN. Having other people hold your baby is not a bad thing in the real world.

MorningHair · 04/08/2019 15:19

It’s very clear from this thread how incredibly personally some people take other people’s different parenting styles.

Aridane · 04/08/2019 15:42

Wanting to hold one’s lovely niece is a pathological need - WTF?

Sparklynails77 · 04/08/2019 16:42

@newmomof1 yeah I posted that after reading a few pages and then realised after I'd read the rest. I don't see the issue then. I initially thought her sister hasn't let anyone hold her baby in 4 monthsConfused

Magpiefeather · 04/08/2019 18:23

4 months is still tiny. Give it time.

LovePoppy · 04/08/2019 19:34

@spam390 NICUs where I am allow only the parents to do so. You’d think it’s like their bond was most important or something.

Similar to how in the hours after an uncomplicated birth it’s only the parents

The child won’t be harmed by not being passed around as long as the extended family chills out

Original poster
user4627462167123 · 04/08/2019 20:24

Thanks everyone, I am going to speak to my sister this week- just asking how she is feeling since baby etc. Hopefully its just a parenting decision and not PND, but hopefully she may open up a little bit more either way.

OP posts:
AllFourOfThem · 04/08/2019 20:33

My youngest is a similar age to your niece (my fourth baby, so not PFB) and I’m just not keen for others to have cuddles. To be polite, I will tolerate it to a certain extent but I don’t like it. I was the same to a certain extent with my older children as well. I relaxed about it far more once they were older.

AngelasAshes · 04/08/2019 20:42

“Only a tiny tiny minority of children have parents who did attachment parenting. Yet the vast majority of children don't have separation anxiety. So clearly AP isn't essential in order to have confident children.”

Attachment parenting has nothing to do with separation anxiety. Who said it did?

Ferret27 · 06/08/2019 00:35

Something is wrong ... it is not normal to be like this... and all those advocating nonsense about not letting your own family hold your baby
What planet are you on... very important you speak to the father does she allow him to hold his child ... speak to your parents and make sure there are no issues of anxiety/depression presenting ... as it could be harmful if left unchecked ....it is not a healthy behaviour at all...

skybluee · 06/08/2019 01:10

No one thinks that it's a weird thing to want to hold a relative's baby. What people DO think is weird is people thinking that their wants and desires come above that of the mother. People thinking they're entitled to physical contact with the baby. THAT is weird. And then making all kinds of horrible insinuations (bruises?) just because they haven't gotten their own way. I bet this woman has been badgered to death about it and just dug her heels in because she's had enough.

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