to want to say something to my sister about my niece

[user4627462167123]

I honestly dont know aibu? My sister had my little niece 4 months ago, since birth he has been healthy, not had any issues or health problems. However, she is very possessive and doesn't like anyone holding the baby. She is very reluctant to let myself or my other brother or sisterr hold her, to the point where it has been awkward on a couple of occasions. At his christening, she didnt let one single person hold him and refused anybody that asked. None of us smoke or drink, we all wash and sanitise our hands before we even go near him. She won't let anyone that smokes in the vicinity of my niece, she won't let them go near her belongings, or be in the same car or same room as my niece. She hasn't let me children- one of which is a teenager- or my brother's children (who are of a similar age and a bit younger) hold her yet. When I have tried to quietly mention that it would be nice to have a cuddle she becomes defence and says the baby is tired etc, even though he is wide awake!! Its starting to become an issue and I dont know what to do. If I say something I am worried that it will cause a rift, as when I have gently mentioned things before she has gotten very defensive. There is no backstory, we have always been close- i have three children of my own so I know what it feels like to have a baby and also how to look after them! Just any advice, as I dont want to hurt her feelings but I am sad as I just want to get close to my little niece.

I'd worry about PND too. I think it's very unusual not to want close relatives and friends to have a cuddle with the baby.

Why do people have to hold babies anyway? It’s not a hamster.

No. It's a new member of the family. Someone whose grandparents, aunts and uncles are going to love, protect and support throughout their life.

I'm amazed at how many posters on here seem to think it's abnormal to want to hold your new grandchild/nephew/niece and absolutely normal for the mother not to allow it for FOUR WHOLE MONTHS.

It's only becoming an issue because you're making it an issue, OP! And it's only awkward because you're making it awkward.

No one needs to be holding the baby but her and her husband. Leave it.

And stop diagnosing her because she won't do as you want.

Why do people have to hold babies anyway? It’s not a hamster

Just when I thought some of the replies couldn't get any more surreal

I'm going to add 'non baby holding' to my list of really weird Mumsnet rules, along with never opening the door or owning a toilet brush.

I have never met any new mother who was happy to let anyone, relatives included, hold the baby, and when they did there was always a certain watchfulness to the mother

That’s just absolute madness. I’ve known literally hundreds of new mums during my life and have never met one like that.

The poor woman is probably getting more protective the more you all gang up on her.

@nocauserebel- I have held him twice, instigated by my brother in law. I wouldn't ever expect to hold him if he is sleeping, crying, agitated etc. But if he is happy and awake is it so unreasonable to ask for a little cuddle? I adhere to any requirement that she asks- whether its leave my own children at home because its too much for the baby, arrange things around baby feeds, and say to her not to worry if she changes plans because she is tired.

Totally don’t understand this attitude.why would it bother you that people care about you and are looking out for you? I don’t know why people want to create so many barriers?!?

Ok, well. I had antenatal, postnatal, general anxiety disorder etc.
Even when people are trying to help, the only people that have actually helped have been the professionals and my DH. Every time. Many people with good intentions can actually prevent you from getting better. Also, it feels like a witch hunt. It is a personal thing and when I need help I know where to get it from.
Many times family just makes things a lot harder.

Everyone is different. My partner was less than impressed with me when she found out at 3 weeks i was handing our son over to the lady in the shop so she could have a cuddle while i did the shopping.

As others have said she's under no obligation to hand thr baby over but maybe frame it as "wouldn't you like a break?"

@waytooearly- I havent attempted to diagnose her with anything! And no-one is ganging up on her, everyone has accepted when she has said no and carried on as normal. Just the longer it goes on, the more strange it seems.

Also, you don't have to understand my attitude, it is mine.

@clottedcreamoverjam-would you not like your family to understand? So that maybe they can help you in the right way? Thats why I have not said anything to my sister- I don't want to do the wrong thing.

No you're just "worried" about her mental health when she doesn't give in to your requests.

No. It's a new member of the family. Someone whose grandparents, aunts and uncles are going to love, protect and support throughout their life. I'm amazed at how many posters on here seem to think it's abnormal to want to hold your new grandchild/nephew/niece and absolutely normal for the mother not to allow it for FOUR WHOLE MONTHS.

I have never held my niece. I haven't even met her as she is abroad. I have never kissed my other niece and nephew and their mum wants them to be the ones to initiate that kind of cuddles/ contact.
I would still happily take them in if they needed a home, I love them and talk to them and send them letters and play with them.
The niece I haven't met I love already too.

I guess I put them first, not some sort of need for cuddles from children that are not mine.

@waytooearly- you have no right to say that- none at all.

I didn't like people holding my baby, particularly if I felt like they were breathing down my neck to grab him at any opportunity. It made me twitchy that they wouldn't give him back if he was upset - they often didn't. Not saying this is the case with you, but that's how it was for me.

That said, I really don't understand the constant need to hold a baby to appreciate them. I'm more than happy to see a new baby, I don't need a cuddle and certainly don't get affronted if I'm not offered one (mostly I'm relieved!)

Yes you would be very unreasonable to ask for a cuddle.
If she clearly doesn't want you to, what exactly do you expect asking to achieve other than driving a wedge further between you?! Common sense surely?!

This isn't going to be solved by you trying to force your will on your sister, back off, keep your opinions to yourself at all times, continue supporting her as it sounds like you have been and give it time.

clottedcreamoverjam-would you not like your family to understand? So that maybe they can help you in the right way? Thats why I have not said anything to my sister- I don't want to do the wrong thing.

My family understood that I had PND when I decided to let them know. I was already under treatment and therapy from professionals which know how to help and what to say.
They did not try to diagnose me or judged me on my parenting choices.
They say nothing and waited.
That is the kind of support I expect from family and friends.

With all due respect OP, the message I get is that you are upset you or your children can't hold the baby. That is the gist of it right?

Well. Maybe then the problem is yours not hers.

Have you offered to have the baby whilst she has a rest etc? I was super uptight with my first baby, I didn’t know what I was doing, I was exhausted, had a bad birth and it felt like people wanted snaps of themselves with the baby and then to leave me on my own as soon as the going got tough without showing any care.

I’d show care for her first, ask what you can do, say it’s hard. I know having 3 you may be more natural and have found it easier but generally she definitely sounds like she’s struggling and cuddling her baby for her when it is being peaceful is probably the last thing she needs help with.

And people wonder why PND gets missed. Because no-one is suppposed to say anything for fear of being right perhaps?

There’s a vast, vast difference between not wanting a baby picked up constantly and never letting anyone hold the baby ever. Similarly asking someone to leave their own children at home because it’s not good for the baby? What’s that about? I wouldn’t have let children hold my baby but the idea that they should be shut out because.... why exactly?

I too was very routine driven and that worked for us, however the idea that family are somehow unreasonable for ever wanting to hold this baby is just not the norm.

But then mn seems to be on another planet today....

@breaconoptimist- yes I have offered to have baby so she can rest, plenty of times.
A lot of posters seem to think her behaviour is normal, I will continue to not say anything and give her space as I have been doing. I won't ask for cuddles anymore and just let her know that I'm here for her.

Have you offered to have the baby whilst she has a rest etc? I was super uptight with my first baby, I didn’t know what I was doing, I was exhausted, had a bad birth and it felt like people wanted snaps of themselves with the baby and then to leave me on my own as soon as the going got tough without showing any care. if the sister won’t even let the OP hold the baby, she’s not going to let her look after her is she?

Shes clearly on mumsnet. On here you go NC with anyone who goes near your baby without wearing a hazmat suit.

Yes it is odd. If you expect a new mum is struggling, cuddling their baby isn’t the thing to start trying to help them with or making an issue of though. Op is picking up on a problem but looking at it from the wrong angle.