to want to say something to my sister about my niece

[user4627462167123]

I honestly dont know aibu? My sister had my little niece 4 months ago, since birth he has been healthy, not had any issues or health problems. However, she is very possessive and doesn't like anyone holding the baby. She is very reluctant to let myself or my other brother or sisterr hold her, to the point where it has been awkward on a couple of occasions. At his christening, she didnt let one single person hold him and refused anybody that asked. None of us smoke or drink, we all wash and sanitise our hands before we even go near him. She won't let anyone that smokes in the vicinity of my niece, she won't let them go near her belongings, or be in the same car or same room as my niece. She hasn't let me children- one of which is a teenager- or my brother's children (who are of a similar age and a bit younger) hold her yet. When I have tried to quietly mention that it would be nice to have a cuddle she becomes defence and says the baby is tired etc, even though he is wide awake!! Its starting to become an issue and I dont know what to do. If I say something I am worried that it will cause a rift, as when I have gently mentioned things before she has gotten very defensive. There is no backstory, we have always been close- i have three children of my own so I know what it feels like to have a baby and also how to look after them! Just any advice, as I dont want to hurt her feelings but I am sad as I just want to get close to my little niece.

I guess you have to say that she's given those reasons before and you're not sure you believe her
X

Tbf it is very odd!!

We went to visit my cousin/ his wife and their new baby (about a month old) at their invitation! They mentioned numerous times ‘x can’t wait to meet you for cuddles..etc’

So we get there (my mother and I - both VERY well turned out, clean, non smokers) and they just didn’t offer a cuddle once!
I wouldn’t have minded...had they not mentioned cuddles numerous times. In the end I just asked if I could have a quick cuddle and cousins wife looker physically pained! I held baby for less than 5 seconds before she whipped him back off me!

🤔 I don’t get it! If you don’t want someone to cuddle your baby then fine but don’t offer it over messages/calls and then refuse it in person 🙄

My SIL is very similar to this, we all got to hold our niece for maybe 30 seconds max the first time we met her and we haven’t been able to since and that includes grand parents. We did used to ask to hold her or offer to when we were all eating so she could eat without holding a baby but we were always turned down. It’s got to the point that now she is 18 months old none of us really have a relationship with our niece at all.

She said that the reason she doesn’t like us to hold her is that she wants her daughter to see her as her safe place and she doesn’t want anyone else holding her in case her daughter feels scared or intimidated. I feel so sorry for my PILs as they absolutely love children and are brilliant with all the other grandchildren.

My BIL struggles to really have any time with our niece either and has admitted to my husband that he still doesn’t really know what he’s doing with his own daughter and I’ve seen myself that everything he does is questioned it criticised so I’m not surprised.

Sorry, but children do not have to hold other children OP. I would also not let other kids hold a newborn, it;s not a freaking doll. Not sure why people think they are entitled to touch other people's kids, or think that their children need to cuddle them. We had friends visit with children and they had a look, but even their Mums were not encouraging touching/holding. Back off :)

Give it 6 months and she will be leaving the baby on your doorstep 😅

OP - despite what some very weird people on here are saying it is NOT normal at all.

I would estimate that I have cuddled about 20 babies under a month old. I don’t have any siblings so I am talking about friends, distant relatives and in-laws. I have never known anyone refuse to let close family members hold the baby apart from on mumsnet.

Previous posters are right that ultimately it is the parents choice but just because a parent does it, does not mean it’s not abnormal.

Your sister is either:

• seriously anxious
• has pnd
• had taken my on a weird fad like attachment parenting (to the previous poster, no one holding your baby for 8 months? I really hope your family told you where to go if you ever asked for babysitting at a later point!)
• is a selfish bitch who doesn’t care that other people who she presumably cares about would get joy from holding her baby.

If she has never been a selfish person and has never said she is following an unusual parenting regime then I think you are right to be worried.

Her behaviour really is very unusual. Every christening I have been to has had baby passed around to everyone.

You’re a lovely sister btw - please ignore any posters telling you otherwise.

@clottedcreamoverjam I understand that everyone knows about pnd, however I wish just one person would have nudged me months ago and felt they could mention that I wasn't being entirely myself, it would have saved me taking 9 months to seek help

My sister was like this with her first. She had PND and needs help. Her GP was very supportive but my sister didn't speak to me for a month because I tricked her into going to the doctors. (Pretended the appointment was for me and asked her to come for support)

However one in the floodgates opened and she let the lot one. Iirc she ended up on a low dose of antidepressants for six months or so.

8 months??? 🙄🙄🙄

Not rtft but HAVE read OP's posts.

What occurs to me (as someone who didn't have the easiest path to motherhood themselves) that it's possible she may have experienced pregnancy loss, medical issues during the pregnancy that made her at risk of losing the baby, a difficult/traumatic birth where possibly there was a risk of losing the baby...

Could also be that unbeknown to you the baby has been poorly since birth and that's why she is feeling so protective, doesn't need to be anything major to trigger that instinct,

Not everyone tells even those closest to them (sometimes out of a sense of protecting THEM) if they have had these issues.

I told nobody about my 1st miscarriage until my 2nd pregnancy almost a decade later, not everyone was told about the 2nd mc, during 3rd pregnancy (dd) I didn't tell people everything of what happened with that, as it would have just worried them and there was nothing they could do to help anyway.

Dd is now 18 and a recent conversation with my mum about a cousins current pregnancy difficulties (cousin has opted to be more open - entirely her choice) meant we realised I hadn't told mum until now of a couple of similar issues I had during dds pregnancy, I'd forgotten I'd not told her.

So bearing that in mind and absolutely not saying you shouldn't care for and keep an eye on your sister for potential clues to pnd or other mh issues, for now be respectful of her wishes but be supportive of her?

Tricky situation that needs careful handling.

However, all that said, I will also be honest that becoming a mother triggered a flare up in ocd for me which meant I was very protective of dd, but it wasn't just the ocd, having lost 3 before her, almost losing her during pregnancy and childbirth I think it understandable to have a certain level of anxiety and protectiveness.

My ex - who definitely didn't have any anxiety mh issues - but who was the father of pregnancy 2 and dd and was the one supporting me throughout the pregnancies, attending scans and all the other tests, seeing how sick I was at times, visiting me in hospital, almost losing me to the 2nd mc, visiting me in hospital again before and after having dd when I was on complete bed rest to avoid going into early labour, then a difficult & risky labour and what he himself described as a "terrifying" experience of almost losing us both...

He too was quite protective of dd and not completely comfortable when someone other than one of us was holding her.

4 months is still very early days.

Why do people have to hold babies anyway? It’s not a hamster

Ugh - wouldn't want to hold a rodent. A squidgy darling niece / nephew, of course

I’d let her be - it’s her baby and don’t talk to her partner . If she’s struggling emotionally she may feel ganged up on

I was bombarded with people when i first had my baby and felt very overwhelmed.
no-one except my mother and 2 best friends knew how stressed I was for the first few weeks. I wish I had told people to leave us alone for a month, I plan to with my second!

I do have a problem with my baby being passed round like a parcel and do not actively encourage the whole family to cuddle and pass my child round - it gets to me - i've never asked to hold other peoples kids - they are theirs! So why other than a quick hold do people feel the need to hold a child constantly.?
My child will go to other people, and saying that ^ i really dont mind cuddles with family as long as they are respectful of the fact I am his mother and he isnt a toy.

so OP, i totally get your sister - i am not depressed or anxious either. I just dont appreciate my kid being used as a parcel. Is this how she feels? Rather than anything else?

Shes clearly on mumsnet. On here you go NC with anyone who goes near your baby without wearing a hazmat suit

Only on MN is never allowing anyone to hold your baby perfectly normal 🙄
Get a grip, the OP is concerned about her sister and rightly so, apart from the not holding, the baby isn’t allowed in a car or room without her, nobody held baby at christening, this isn’t normal behaviour and if this is how half of you carry on it’s bloody odd.

It’s very strange and I’d be worried.

I don’t think it sounds great, no. It’s not usual in my opinion and I’d be concerned as well. You are a good sister to worry and a good aunt to want to bond with your wee niece.

I would just spend time love bombing, supporting and uplifting your sister in her role. I was extremely protective of my first born and quite paranoid. I was loved and supported by my family and slowly got over the anxiety (including seeking professional support). Rarely (maybe in extreme cases) will providing a “threat” in the form of challenging someone will it help a new mum. Just be there for her. Time is a healer. Also give her a chance to talk about anything traumatic or what she might be worried about. You sound like a lovely sister, just be patient.

QuestionableMouse I think you are very lucky that she only didn’t speak to you for a month. Wouldn’t reccomend that course of action!

Thank you everyone for all of your supportive messages! I will continue to be there for my sister. I am going to try and speak to her about it next week, and just say to her that if she ever needs a listening ear then I am here. I have other nieces and nephews and we are all very close, and I just want to be close to this little baby, like I am with all the others. When they are a baby, its hard to show your love other than a little cuddle. When they are bigger, you can play together, buy little presents or just speak to them and ask them how their day/school has gone. When they are so little, I think the main way to demonstrate love is to give them a little cuddle, and maybe this is why it has hurt me. However, I am not going to worry about that for now, and concentrate on my sister and give her a big hug when I next see her and speak to her. Hopefully I am overreacting and there is nothing to worry about- and she is just being a bit over protective rather than suffering with PND. Thank you everyone.

What rubbish to say this is not normal! And then to speculate on PND.
FGS, we did attachment parenting with ours and no one held our baby other than myself and DH until they were crawling age (8 mos or so)

Jesus, fuck! 8 months?

Was there anyone left after that time who actually wanted to hold your baby?

There are obviously many different kinds of 'normal' on this thread.

Yanbu. I wasn't happy about letting anyone hold mine (except for DH) for quite a while although they all nagged me so much I gave in here and there. But the reality was that DD cried every time she left me, and stopped the second she came back and I saw no reason, at that age, to deliberately upset her. And yes don't worry, later on she went to school etc no problem, she's not still permanently attached to me! And I also did not have pnd and would not have appreciated it being suggested, I would have found it very patronising. Leave her be to parent her child her way. You'll get cuddles in the end, if she/her child wants you to.

Typo, it should have been yabu!

Yes when you talk to her, keep the focus on your desire to hold the baby, and then ask her what exactly is wrong with her.

My dc would think I was absolutely bonkers if I told them I hadn't allowed anyone to hold them until they were several months old, I really don't understand the idea that it hinders bonding between the baby and parents, children know who their parents are even if other people cuddle them.
I've never believed in anyone owning a child, it's my responsibility to encourage their relationships with others who love them, not actively prevent them.