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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want to say something to my sister about my niece

284 replies

user4627462167123 · 02/08/2019 18:07

I honestly dont know aibu? My sister had my little niece 4 months ago, since birth he has been healthy, not had any issues or health problems. However, she is very possessive and doesn't like anyone holding the baby. She is very reluctant to let myself or my other brother or sisterr hold her, to the point where it has been awkward on a couple of occasions. At his christening, she didnt let one single person hold him and refused anybody that asked. None of us smoke or drink, we all wash and sanitise our hands before we even go near him. She won't let anyone that smokes in the vicinity of my niece, she won't let them go near her belongings, or be in the same car or same room as my niece. She hasn't let me children- one of which is a teenager- or my brother's children (who are of a similar age and a bit younger) hold her yet. When I have tried to quietly mention that it would be nice to have a cuddle she becomes defence and says the baby is tired etc, even though he is wide awake!! Its starting to become an issue and I dont know what to do. If I say something I am worried that it will cause a rift, as when I have gently mentioned things before she has gotten very defensive. There is no backstory, we have always been close- i have three children of my own so I know what it feels like to have a baby and also how to look after them! Just any advice, as I dont want to hurt her feelings but I am sad as I just want to get close to my little niece.

OP posts:
saraclara · 02/08/2019 21:40

it's my responsibility to encourage their relationships with others who love them, not actively prevent them

Exactly.

The 8 month attachment parenting thing... That's just an excuse for controlling behaviour, surely? Seriously, not even the grandparents allowed to touch the child?
That's probably another thread though.

ContessaLovesTheSunshine · 02/08/2019 21:45

4 months?!

I would find that incredibly weird. Of course I wouldn't say anything. But inside I'd be well and truly WTF Confused?

Langpants · 02/08/2019 21:46

Whoah. Am surprised at some of the posters and am surprised at your niece not being held by anyone else at 4 months. I can understand 4 weeks, but not 4 months. And not if it’s your sister. My SIL had her baby 4 months ago and we visited when he was 2 weeks and she nudged us all into holding him for a while! (It’s been a while for me and DP so was daunting at first)
My LO is due in 4 weeks although will prob be induced earlier. I imagine I’ll be more protective of him than SIL, but I want him to be close to his family members and for them to have a few cuddles. The first week or so - he is all mine though. 😁

I would say just support your sis as much as possible and hopefully she will relax. It does sound like there is something else going on. Hope you get some cuddles with your niece soon. X

stucknoue · 02/08/2019 21:47

Could be a sign of anxiety - my sil plonks my niece in my arms at the first opportunity, it's normal to offer cuddles.

moobar · 02/08/2019 21:56

If it wasn't for baby age and sex you could be my sister. Blush

So for me, everyone wrongly assumed and pushed PND. I actually had post natal anxiety and still do. I also had or have ptsd caused by many years of losses and infertility not being processed by me.

The trigger for me was my best friend in the world visiting, bringing three children, who I adore, and giving DD a cold. To this day, nine months on, it makes my blood run cold. It started a cycle of fear, anxiety and hurt that I don't think I have or will ever get over.

I wanted to be that mum, relaxed, happy, content, but I couldn't. I was absolutely terrified something or someone would harm my baby. She was the only baby who had survived and the fear of something happening to her still grips me.

Nobody has looked after her, very few hold her, I just want my baby, safe with me. I am getting better, and to be honest I'm only really expressing it for the first time here, but it was very hard. Instead of feeling loved and protected by family, I felt suffocated and pressured. I felt Judged and isolated. Yet I was pushing them away. DD only got sick when others came near her, I didn't give her anything.

I'm sorry if I'm rambling but this strikes home with me. I love my sister but it's just to much for me just now. I never nested during pregnancy or even really believed the pregnancy was happening. I think this is my nesting period now.

Just keep doing what you are doing OP. It will get easier, but I wouldn't push a diagnosis or her at the moment. Early days.

Bookworm4 · 02/08/2019 22:02

Is it just me or are some posters here absolute fruit loops? I have 4DC and I’ve not came across these bizarre ideas anywhere but on MN; not holding baby,kids not allowed out, not answering doors, Pil hatred for no reason, controlling DH/DP, it’s all bloody bizarre. The baby ideas are the worst. 🙄

pictish · 02/08/2019 22:06

There’s also a school of thought on mumsnet that places pregnant women and mothers of babies as top of the must-be-exalted list, without question which is pretty daft as of course, sometimes they’re dicks the same as everyone else.

newmomof1 · 02/08/2019 22:24

@pictish even if she is just being a dick, it's still her child.

Nobody has an automatic right to hold her child if she's not comfortable with them doing so.

MegaClutterSlut · 02/08/2019 22:27

Yanbu op. I don't think it's normal after 4 months, to not allow anyone to hold the baby. I would be concerned too tbh

Sandybval · 02/08/2019 22:27

i have never met any new mother who was happy to let anyone, relatives included, hold the baby, and when they did there was always a certain watchfulness to the mother.

I have never met one who hasn't Confused no one is right or wrong of course, but MN is the only place I've seen or heard these views to be honest. Hopefully your sister is alright, without knowing more about her behaviour etc hard to say whether it's part of something else such as anxiety or just the way she wants to parent.

pictish · 02/08/2019 22:33

Newmom I wasn’t commenting on the specific scenario here as such, just a general observation that we don’t always have to be in thrall to new mums as standard. Even if some mumsnetters say we do.

AngelasAshes · 02/08/2019 22:36

@moobar
Thank you for sharing your experience here. I know it was hard to do so. I don’t understand why people can be so judgemental and intolerant about a mum choosing who and when holds your baby! There is no requirement that by x age they must have been passed around and held by y relatives. It’s not a developmental milestone. And it’s not preventing love or bonding from happening because it’s only the first year of life. There are many years to bond with a niece or nephew or granddaughter or grandson etc.
Just because they made different decisions with their babies, doesn’t give them the right to interfere with yours. My MIL constantly went on about how I was spoiling my baby because I hardly put her down and refused to let her “cry it out” ever. Well that baby is almost an adult now and she is an amazing young lady who is very adventurous and independent.

SmellbowSpaceBowl · 02/08/2019 22:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrMeSeeks · 02/08/2019 22:46

*YABU.

Until you have a baby of your own you will find it hard to appreciate how immensely strong the protective instinct is in a mother.*

Did you miss the huge part of the op that she IS a mother Hmm

have never met any new mother who was happy to let anyone, relatives included, hold the baby, and when they did there was always a certain watchfulness to the mother

You’ve never met anyone who was happy to give others a baby? Well my family and friends must be in the minority then, they’re VERY happy to pass babies to me to have a little break.
Maybe it is just the people you know Hmm

Oh and I wouldn't appreciate anyone trying to figure out if I had PND. Or keeping an eye.
In this day and age everyone knows about it and can talk to partners or professionals about it.
Yes, but unfortunately not everybody does. Some people do not feel able to or recognise there is something wrong.
Hope you are doing better Flowers

I’d keep on her. Keep checking in on her (ask how she is, rather than asking to hold baby) just let her know you’re there for her.

Teddybear45 · 02/08/2019 22:53

Watch your sister carefully. Can you see a change in behaviour to suggest PND? Alternatively does she take the baby away for all clothing / nappy changes / does the baby have unexplained bruises?

CamdenLoaf · 02/08/2019 23:03

Just back off. Unless there are actual signs she’s distressed, she’s just making a parenting decision you disagree with. It’s a complete moral neutral whether the baby is held by family members or its mother.

LovePoppy · 02/08/2019 23:05

- is a selfish bitch who doesn’t care that other people who she presumably cares about would get joy from holding her baby.

Who the duck has a baby to give other people joy?

I sure as hell didn’t.

You know you can have a relationship with people, even family, without holding them, right?

WorraLiberty · 02/08/2019 23:06

Teddybear what do unexplained bruises have to do with it?

LovePoppy · 02/08/2019 23:09

@moobar you’re brave to share. Thank you for doing so.
I hope you continue to feel better

PrincessLouis · 02/08/2019 23:16

Sorry but YABU. It’s great you want to bond with your niece but the key relationship here is between your sister and HER baby and she has every right to do things how she wants. Don’t badger your sister about this or suggest she has PND. Accept this is how she wants to do it, keep seeing her as normal and it will all work out fine.

HennyPennyHorror · 02/08/2019 23:28

I've never got this "the baby isn't a parcel to be passed around" attitude. I loved my DD's being held and adored by visiting relatives...loved it!

I must be weird because I even let women I don't know in cafes have a hold....Grandma types often asked me especially with DD1 because she was startlingly gorgeous with a big afro.

Something lovely about a baby being hugged by its family.

OkPedro · 02/08/2019 23:33

hennypenny I loved showing off my dd and had no issue with her being cuddled by everyone. Obviously she was never passed around and wasn’t held constantly.
Your dd sounds adorable I would have loved a cuddle 🥰

Sceptre86 · 02/08/2019 23:35

Honestly only on mumsnet would people complain about an auntie wanting to hold her own niece! Speak to your sister though, how is she coping are there any underlying issues? Is she anxious, baby have a strict feeding schedule? If none of the above applies, then back off and let her come to you. I was over protective of my first born and would hover over her when visitors came over but never when it was mine or dh's siblings. I would just pass the baby over, tell them to wake me when she needed a feed and go to sleep bit everyone is different!

KUGA · 02/08/2019 23:46

HypatiaCade has given you top advice.
Well done HC.

Smileyaxolotl1 · 02/08/2019 23:57

lovepoppy It’s not the primary reason for having a baby no.
But if you don’t get pleasure in seeing the pleasure your children give your parents (particularly with things like baby cuddles) then either you have a poor relationship with your parents, you are a bit dead inside or you suffer from anxiety/pnd....
Most People love to cuddle a tiny baby and I do think it’s selfish to deny them that experience when in most cases it is at no cost to you.

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