to want to say something to my sister about my niece

[user4627462167123]

I honestly dont know aibu? My sister had my little niece 4 months ago, since birth he has been healthy, not had any issues or health problems. However, she is very possessive and doesn't like anyone holding the baby. She is very reluctant to let myself or my other brother or sisterr hold her, to the point where it has been awkward on a couple of occasions. At his christening, she didnt let one single person hold him and refused anybody that asked. None of us smoke or drink, we all wash and sanitise our hands before we even go near him. She won't let anyone that smokes in the vicinity of my niece, she won't let them go near her belongings, or be in the same car or same room as my niece. She hasn't let me children- one of which is a teenager- or my brother's children (who are of a similar age and a bit younger) hold her yet. When I have tried to quietly mention that it would be nice to have a cuddle she becomes defence and says the baby is tired etc, even though he is wide awake!! Its starting to become an issue and I dont know what to do. If I say something I am worried that it will cause a rift, as when I have gently mentioned things before she has gotten very defensive. There is no backstory, we have always been close- i have three children of my own so I know what it feels like to have a baby and also how to look after them! Just any advice, as I dont want to hurt her feelings but I am sad as I just want to get close to my little niece.

@ LovePoppy

''NICUs where I am allow only the parents to do so. You’d think it’s like their bond was most important or something. ''

Yup, that's because it IS the most important, but it's NOT the ONLY important bond within a family who describe themselves as 'close'.

''Similar to how in the hours after an uncomplicated birth it’s only the parents ''

Yup, in the HOURS or DAYS even a couple of WEEKS it's normal to be only the parents. After that it's 'normal' for the close family to have a cuddle with an infant. Then the extended family as time goes on.

Nobody's saying that everyone parents exactly like this, just that it's the 'norm'.

If OP's sister had been talking about attachment parenting etc, then there would be a 'reason' behind her decision to not allow ANYONE to cuddle DC, and something to chat with her about and learn how to do this etc thereby supporting the mum to parent however she wants.

However, the fact that this ( or any other style of parenting which might encompass only mum and dad to hold baby) has not even been mentioned in conversation by OP's sister ( who are described as close), means that it may be due to an issue relating to anxiety/ stress/ PND etc.
IF that is the case, then saying nothing and pretending everything is hunkey dorey and not asking to cuddle DC will only mean OP is enabling her sister and in no way helping.

It doesn't matter whether anyone agrees with differing parenting styles, what matters is that the REASON behind the apparent ban on holding DC is found, whatever the reason may be !

@LovePoppy

I think the OP has been articulate and constrained. Where you see judgement, I see sisterly concern

Yup, in the HOURS or DAYS even a couple of WEEKS it's normal to be only the parents. After that it's 'normal' for the close family to have a cuddle with an infant. Then the extended family as time goes on.

Nobody's saying that everyone parents exactly like this, just that it's the 'norm'.

It's only 'the norm' where families have extended family members around.

Many families don't have that luxury.

Yet even when families don't have aunts, uncles, cousins, or grandparents to pass babies around to, children can grow up perfectly outgoing and capable of forming relationships with others, even if they don't have the opportunity to go to baby groups (which don't exist in many countries).

It's only when parents set up barriers to friendships or seek to isolate children when they are older (refusing playdates, badmouthing other children or the parenting of others, imposing unreasonable curfews, refusing to allow teens to participate in ordinary activities like, for eg. a school disco or going to parties even if supervised) that problems arise.

Bloody hell, the very abnormal ‘it’s not a doll it’s a baby’ brigade is out in force. Only on mumsnet is this ‘normal’. This is her sister she won’t let have a cuddle. This is highly unusual behaviour in real life and evidence of a highly distressed/over anxious parent. There is a vast difference between passing your baby like a parcel and allowing baby’s family to be involved.

I think it’s PND. Every mum I know with pnd has been over anxious and sought to control this type of thing to compensate for the utter lack of control they genuinely feel. I’d talk to her partner or maybe your mum and share your worries. If it is pnd or mental health issues she needs help for everyone’s sake.

spam390's norm where there is an extended family - obvs

@zzzzzzzz12345 only on mumsnet!

Possibly PND? I’d encourage her to get help if she may have it. But maybe also back off a bit as she may be feeling suffocated

This is her sister she won’t let have a cuddle
You know the baby isn’t a puppy or a doll, right? It’s a real live human?

I can’t handle all the treating of babies like objects.

I was a bit like this. After weeks in NICU where only we were allowed to hold the baby, it felt uncomfortable for a long time to let others do so. Also, people wouldn’t always give them back when I asked-not in a mean way but just saying things like ‘oh they’re fine, have a rest’ etc. They meant well but it made me reluctant to hand the baby over as I didn’t want to look odd asking for the baby back. As your niece/nephew has been held by others for short times then I would say don’t press the issue but just keep being supportive in case there is more to it.