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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want to say something to my sister about my niece

284 replies

user4627462167123 · 02/08/2019 18:07

I honestly dont know aibu? My sister had my little niece 4 months ago, since birth he has been healthy, not had any issues or health problems. However, she is very possessive and doesn't like anyone holding the baby. She is very reluctant to let myself or my other brother or sisterr hold her, to the point where it has been awkward on a couple of occasions. At his christening, she didnt let one single person hold him and refused anybody that asked. None of us smoke or drink, we all wash and sanitise our hands before we even go near him. She won't let anyone that smokes in the vicinity of my niece, she won't let them go near her belongings, or be in the same car or same room as my niece. She hasn't let me children- one of which is a teenager- or my brother's children (who are of a similar age and a bit younger) hold her yet. When I have tried to quietly mention that it would be nice to have a cuddle she becomes defence and says the baby is tired etc, even though he is wide awake!! Its starting to become an issue and I dont know what to do. If I say something I am worried that it will cause a rift, as when I have gently mentioned things before she has gotten very defensive. There is no backstory, we have always been close- i have three children of my own so I know what it feels like to have a baby and also how to look after them! Just any advice, as I dont want to hurt her feelings but I am sad as I just want to get close to my little niece.

OP posts:
Original poster
user4627462167123 · 02/08/2019 18:34

@SmellbowSpaceBowl, I would never ever treat my sister like that. I love her and thats maybe why it hurts. I have never turned up without asking, always brought food with me, and made a point of asking how SHE is feeling, not just the baby.
@mathanxiety- I have three children of my own, so I know maternal instincts. 2 of mine were in NICU afterwards so I do understand.

OP posts:
clottedcreamoverjam · 02/08/2019 18:35

Oh and I wouldn't appreciate anyone trying to figure out if I had PND. Or keeping an eye.
In this day and age everyone knows about it and can talk to partners or professionals about it.

NoSauce · 02/08/2019 18:35

What a shame, everyone loves a cuddle with a new baby in the family. It sounds like she’s very anxious though OP, so I would tread carefully, maybe ask in general how she’s feeling etc.

saraclara · 02/08/2019 18:37

Until you have a baby of your own you will find it hard to appreciate how immensely strong the protective instinct is in a mother.

@mathanxiety the OP has three children of her own. Presumably the vast majority of posters on a site called Mumsnet, have had babies.

That sentence is smug and nonsensical in this context.

rainbowlou · 02/08/2019 18:38

I had PND and acted in a very similar way, I was also extremely disconnected to anyone else’s feelings and to put it bluntly, didn’t really care about anyone else and couldn’t bear the ‘fussing’ around the baby (not intentionally!)
My family had no idea I had it or that I was on medication, so please don’t assume you would know if she had it.

katewhinesalot · 02/08/2019 18:38

The only person I know who was like this later admitted she had PND. Refused to see it at the time though.

PreseaCombatir · 02/08/2019 18:39

Oh and I wouldn't appreciate anyone trying to figure out if I had PND. Or keeping an eye
In this day and age everyone knows about it and can talk to partners or professionals about it
Totally don’t understand this attitude.why would it bother you that people care about you and are looking out for you? I don’t know why people want to create so many barriers?!?
Sorry sister, don’t understand why you’d show any interest in me and my wellbeing, not when there’s healthcare professionals about.
Don’t get it at all

WorraLiberty · 02/08/2019 18:39

I have never met any new mother who was happy to let anyone, relatives included, hold the baby, and when they did there was always a certain watchfulness to the mother.

Seriously? You've never met a mother who was happy for family members to hold her 4 month old?

Blimey.

cuppycakey · 02/08/2019 18:40

At his christening, she didnt let one single person hold him and refused anybody that asked.

That sounds unlikely. How was the baby actually christened by the vicar/priest then?

The sex of this baby keeps changing.........

I never liked having to hand my baby round to everyone. I would just leave her be.

Original poster
user4627462167123 · 02/08/2019 18:41

@rainbowlou, I am worried as I don't know anyone that has had post natal depression and I dont want to make things worse. There have been other things which I have also found strange, refusing to interfere with baby's routine on something very minor, which meant that the rest of the family had to wait for 90 minutes, other children included.

OP posts:
73Sunglasslover · 02/08/2019 18:41

The smoking thing is really sensible given advice about cot death. People should not smoke anywhere near the baby and should not touch her for many hours if wearing clothes they have smoked in or been significantly around smoke in. It might help if you commend your sister on her strength in sticking to this rule and then tell her you'd love a cuddle whenever she and baby are ready. I think not putting her under pressure is important and you can continue to watch out for signs of her struggling and help as much as you can whilst not continuing to ask for a cuddle. I don't mean to suggest that you have meant to come across as pressurizing but I think if she were here she'd probably say that's how she's felt.

Just for clarity, do you smoke? If so I expect you need to basically not if you want to hold your niece. Or at least not for the whole day before you hold her and after showering, putting on all new clothes.

BarbariansMum · 02/08/2019 18:41

I have never met any new mother who was happy to let anyone, relatives included, hold the baby

Then I can only conclude that you must have from some remote island community of introverts and germ-phobes. Back in the real world there are hundreds of thousands of us, and by the time the baby is 4 months old, tens of millions

WorraLiberty · 02/08/2019 18:41

OP, is she ok with the baby's dad holding her?

73Sunglasslover · 02/08/2019 18:42

Sorry just seen you don't smoke. And I guess no-one else in your house does either from what you said.

Original poster
user4627462167123 · 02/08/2019 18:42

@cuppeycakey, nobody held the baby at the christening- the priest poured the water on the baby's head and thats it, not even godparents were allowed to hold.

OP posts:
Rachelover40 · 02/08/2019 18:43

I think the situation will change within a few weeks, op. Try not to worry about it too much, your sister can't help how she feels. If it went on indefinitely there would be cause for concern but it probably won't.

WorraLiberty · 02/08/2019 18:43

73Sunglasslover the OP says None of us smoke or drink, we all wash and sanitise our hands before we even go near him.

WorraLiberty · 02/08/2019 18:44

Sorry, X post.

Original poster
user4627462167123 · 02/08/2019 18:44

@WorraLiberty baby's dad is fine to hold her- just nobody else.
@73sunglasslover, no-one in my house smokes- myself included.

OP posts:
Abouttimemum · 02/08/2019 18:46

Mine is 4 months now and I’m really keen for people to get to know him to be honest because I want to go out sometime in the next decade. The only thing that bothers me is that he likes to be up to see what’s going on and people always try to nurse him like a newborn, and he’s wriggly and gets upset. Then they’re all like oh he’s hungry / tired aww bless him and I do everything in my power not to be a dick and say we’ll you’re just not holding him right to be honest and he’d probably rather be in his gym and you playing with him than being manhandled haha. I do but in a gentler way than that.
In the first couple of months I was absolutely done in with him being passed around mind, but it’s good for him to interact now.

ashtrayheart · 02/08/2019 18:48

Has she ever shown signs of ocd type symptoms?

TatianaLarina · 02/08/2019 18:48

Why do people have to hold babies anyway? It’s not a hamster.

00100001 · 02/08/2019 18:51

@mathanxiety
"
I have never met any new mother who was happy to let anyone, relatives included, hold the baby, and when they did there was always a certain watchfulness to the mother."

Confused do you only know 2 people or something???

I was happy for people to hold my baby, so was my sister, so is my brother, so is my SIL and my BIL, and my friends and neighbours....

PreseaCombatir · 02/08/2019 18:51

Why do people have to hold babies anyway? It’s not a hamster
Because babies smell delicious.
I love having a little cuddle and a sniff of a newborn.
Hamsters stink, and they bite.

NoCauseRebel · 02/08/2019 18:54

OP have you ever been allowed to hold her? Because IMO there’s a difference between being reluctant to have the baby passed around and refusing to ever having let anyone including family hold her ever.

I really didn’t like people passing my baby around when he was little. If he was asleep then he stayed that way and I wasn’t up for people just picking him up because they felt they had the right. It was something which earned me much criticism from family, but the difference was that my family did hold him, just not all the time iyswim.

If she’s never let anyone else but her hold the baby ever then no, this isn’t normal and I’d be concerned as well...