I'm 42 and DP has suddenly said he wants a baby.

[NameChangedForTheDay]

Hey all, NC for this one.

I've been with my DP for five years, we live together and we have a brilliant relationship. We've never once had an argument, we laugh every day and are a real team. That's not a stealth boast BTW! We just have a great life together and we love each other dearly. We have no DC from previous relationships.

We have our own circle of friends that we socialise with together, as well as giving each other space to have time with friends / hobbies alone. Our relationship works really well.

When we met, he said he was open to having kids, but it wasn't a burning urgency or need, he was happy to see how things pan out.

I told him from the start that I didn't really have any desire to get pregnant, but would love to adopt an older child, as my older brother was adopted and there's so many children desperate for a loving home and I've also a bit of a phobia of pregnancy and childbirth (which is a whole other thread!).

He was supportive of this and we've even been to adoption agency meetings to learn more and he seemed on board. Anyway, nothing's progressed, as we've had some family issues, including the death of my mum, which has been very hard.

Yesterday, we went to a toy shop to get gifts for his niece and nephew and there were obviously loads of families. I wistfully said I was getting broody (thinking to myself maybe we can look back into the adoption now) and asked him if he was. He said yes.

Last night, we were chatting and I asked if he really was feeling broody, as he's never said that word before. He conceded he was. I asked how come, he said he didn't know, he's just been feeling it strongly lately. He's 40 soon, so could be a factor. Plus some friends are having babies lately too.

I asked if we should explore adoption again and he said he's still not adverse to adoption, but was thinking we could try to have a baby together.

I'm not often speechless, but was after hearing this. He's always been supportive of the plans I had in mind when we met and he even said he wasn't bothered about our potential child not being a baby.

Now, as I say, I'm 42 (just turned). I've no idea if we are even fertile. I'm happy to try and get help for my phobias and if he really wants a baby, I'd definitely want to try for one with him. But if we try for a couple of years and it doesn't happen, I'm going to start to possibly be too old to adopt.

Another issue is affording a baby, my DP earns £20k and I'm on £47k, so I'm the breadwinner. He's climbing up his fairly new career ladder and his next job move will pay £30k+.

I might be overthinking it (my best mate says you can never afford a baby), but how will we survive if I'm off work? There is a the possibility of him staying at home while I return to work. Also, I've just spent ALL our savings on major home improvements and we have a £200k mortgage too.

To compound matters, I've no family, so no support network. Majority of our friends don't have kids, so I've no idea how much childminders and nursery costs, therefore, no idea where to start number crunching.

My best friend said I'm looking into this too deeply, but I think we'd be mad to look at starting a family with no plan in place.

Am I over thinking this, or am I being sensible? Where do we start with planning this?

Also, am I too old? Realistically, I wouldn't want to start trying until next year anyway.

Would love your thoughts. x

I wouldn’t. It’s hard enough when you really want a child and you don’t. I had mine at 37 and I am knackered now at 46. Wish I had done it younger.

@MollysMummy2010 Aww. Really? I've a friend who didn't start having babies until 42 and she's just had her third and loves it.

I wish my DP had said something a couple of years ago.

I can't bear the thought of not being a mum at all.

Buy him a puppy instead.

It's going to be your body and the impact will mainly be on your life. Examine whether you really want a child (and not just to please him).

@MothratheMighty we have two dogs already.

@YetAnotherSpartacus

I think everyone is getting the wrong end of the stick. I'm desperate to be a mum, bitt we'd only ever discussed adoption.

If you both want it, you should give it a go. But I wouldn't wait too long to start trying. I had number 3 at 40 and its been fine.

I am now menopausal and my DD is hormonal - it's not fun!
I enjoyed the baby and "child" years but not looking forward to parenting a teen in my fifties. I am just being honest about my own situation. It might work better for others.

Thanks @Neolara I appreciate I'm no spring chicken. That's a worry!

@MollysMummy2010 Bless you. Do you regret it though?!

I'm 47 and my kids are 15 and 11 the idea of a baby keeping me up all night is not good but if you are fit then you should do it.

If you want one then no way would I wait til next year. You don't need a tonne of money but I would start saving and taking folic acid. That is if you want one and only you know that. Only you can make the decision

Go for it! I’ve just had my 4th with husband 2 and I’m 40. I’m not the fittest but I’ve reallu enjoyed it. I feel so much more relaxed and laid back with this one! I’m so glad I have her!

If you want a baby do it!

You both earn far more than we do, and we’re fine! but you could start putting the cost of part time nursery away in a savings account whilst you try. By the time you need it after maternity leave you’ll have a nest egg and know you can afford it.

Good luck x

I think everyone is getting the wrong end of the stick. I'm desperate to be a mum, bitt we'd only ever discussed adoption

To rephrase;

In terms of pregnancyi it's going to be your body and the impact of caring for a baby will mainly be on your life. Examine whether you really want to get pregnant (and not just to please him).

I'm 35 so a little bit younger and just had my first. I didn't grow up dreaming of having babies and similarly to you we had a nice life, good friends, socialising etc. I was truly irrationally terrified of child birth and knew I wouldn't relish pregnancy. I'll be honest it wasn't exactly fun, pregnancy was actually fine until the last couple of weeks when I got frustrated with certain physical restrictions, childbirth was as bad as I expected but manageable, certainly not magical! I won't be doing it again, but I don't regret it for a second.
I love my son in a way I never thought possible, I'm not a typically maternal type, I don't coo over other people's babies but he is just the most brilliant little person. So if you want to have a child but it's just your fears around the biological side holding you back, explore them

You aren't necessarily too old. Lots of women conceive naturally in their 40s. As for being an older mother, I think it depends hugely on the individual. I'm older than you and if i could I would have another child.

I love being a mum so can't really speak objectively about it.

You need to decide if it's what you want. If it is, give getting pregnant a go in the knowledge it may not work.

I don't think your financial situation sounds like one that should exclude you from being a parent at all.

Surely the financial implications are an aside because you were already planning on adoption? Just because you won’t go through pregnancy doesn’t mean you won’t take parental leave etc etc. And babies are when they are cheap!

You want to be a mum. He wants to be a dad. Is the debate whether to prioritise one over the other? Could you do both? Realistically the risks of older female pregnancy involve things like multiple births so that is a thing to consider if you only wanted one, for example.

I don't regret it at all as she is wonderful and I can't imagine my life without her, but I wish I had done it ten years earlier but I really didn't think I wanted children until I hit my mid-thirties. I was lucky that I got pregnant within a couple of months of trying. It is hard work though and I sometimes miss my easy life!

I think it’s too old however, there’s only two opinions that matter. DP & yours

You are 42 you aren't really in a position to leave trying until next year, you need to crack on time isn't on your side.

Don't go ahead if you aren't really bothered,as a pp said it's bloody hard even if you are fully on board.

I had mine at 37, no regrets.

If finances are an issue, how much maternity would you get?

How much spare income do you currently have after mortgage and other bills? Then you need to factor in potential childcare costs.

I think you’re in a good position. He is one driving the discussion so if you want him to be the SAHP you can discuss this. We waited quite a while (I was only 34 but we were together long before, and my mum died the year before we had them) and ended up with twins (not uncommon the older you get). They are both disabled, and life is tough - I wouldn’t change having them, but I think it’s sensible to think everything through.

Nurseries vary a lot by area - we pay around £30 for a half day, £55 for a full day. There is no help if you do end up with multiples (over and above tax credits which you wouldn’t qualify for on your wage) so worth thinking about how you’d manage even though it’s not terribly common.

Having no family support is the hardest thing for me. Plan for paying some help whether it’s cleaning, other help etc. Find reliable childcare as soon as you can, for the odd night here and there - those with parents around benefit from this from early days and it makes all the difference.

I think I'd have the energy to do it. He would too, we are both fairly fit and healthy.

It's just a bombshell, as having a baby was never on the table for discussion.

My biggest concerns are financial and having no family. Plus wasting time TTC, which if it proves fruitless could have been two years starting the adoption process. But there's no guarantee we will be approved to adopt is there?

You have to want a baby, not just do it to please him. He's only just expressed this desire - if a theoretical baby becomes a real one he might change his mind again, and the sad biological reality is that the father can fuck off and live a single life if he changes his mind, leaving the mother holding the baby in every sense.

A friend of mine had what she thought was the perfect marriage to her best friend, they adored each other, had been together ten years and married five, actively planned a baby at the perfect time I their careers, having bought the perfect house etc etc. He left her ten days before her due date and didn't get back in contact until their baby was nearly a year old, at which point he had a new girlfriend with children of her own and expected immediate overnight contact entirely on his terms...

Of course that's not that common, your relationship will probably be fine, but you have to want a baby enough to still want it if you ended up a single parent. It doesn't sound as if you do.

If you go the ttc route it may also take over your entire relationship, ttc and staying pregnant is no joke at 42/43. If he becomes increasingly set on the idea he might well start thinking about the fact he'd have a better chance with a new partner a few years younger...

Don't do this just for him especially because it's a new urge he's only mentioning now, after five years, when it's almost too late...

Why do you say you want to wait til next year? That’s going to make it so much harder, if you want it try now. Ask him if he’s willing to be a stay at home dad for a while and look in to Nursery costs. Depends where you live but you’re looking at around £800 per month for full time.

What will happen with the adoption plans if you have a baby?

I had my first at 40, my 2nd at 3 weeks before my 44th birthday. The money sorts itself out. You were planning an adopted child. Go for it. Obviously deep conversation needed about the early years, work, childcare etc. My friend adopted a 3 yr old and was expected to take 6 months off post adoption to be with the child .