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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I'm 42 and DP has suddenly said he wants a baby.

421 replies

NameChangedForTheDay · 02/08/2019 10:08

Hey all, NC for this one.

I've been with my DP for five years, we live together and we have a brilliant relationship. We've never once had an argument, we laugh every day and are a real team. That's not a stealth boast BTW! We just have a great life together and we love each other dearly. We have no DC from previous relationships.

We have our own circle of friends that we socialise with together, as well as giving each other space to have time with friends / hobbies alone. Our relationship works really well.

When we met, he said he was open to having kids, but it wasn't a burning urgency or need, he was happy to see how things pan out.

I told him from the start that I didn't really have any desire to get pregnant, but would love to adopt an older child, as my older brother was adopted and there's so many children desperate for a loving home and I've also a bit of a phobia of pregnancy and childbirth (which is a whole other thread!).

He was supportive of this and we've even been to adoption agency meetings to learn more and he seemed on board. Anyway, nothing's progressed, as we've had some family issues, including the death of my mum, which has been very hard.

Yesterday, we went to a toy shop to get gifts for his niece and nephew and there were obviously loads of families. I wistfully said I was getting broody (thinking to myself maybe we can look back into the adoption now) and asked him if he was. He said yes.

Last night, we were chatting and I asked if he really was feeling broody, as he's never said that word before. He conceded he was. I asked how come, he said he didn't know, he's just been feeling it strongly lately. He's 40 soon, so could be a factor. Plus some friends are having babies lately too.

I asked if we should explore adoption again and he said he's still not adverse to adoption, but was thinking we could try to have a baby together.

I'm not often speechless, but was after hearing this. He's always been supportive of the plans I had in mind when we met and he even said he wasn't bothered about our potential child not being a baby.

Now, as I say, I'm 42 (just turned). I've no idea if we are even fertile. I'm happy to try and get help for my phobias and if he really wants a baby, I'd definitely want to try for one with him. But if we try for a couple of years and it doesn't happen, I'm going to start to possibly be too old to adopt.

Another issue is affording a baby, my DP earns £20k and I'm on £47k, so I'm the breadwinner. He's climbing up his fairly new career ladder and his next job move will pay £30k+.

I might be overthinking it (my best mate says you can never afford a baby), but how will we survive if I'm off work? There is a the possibility of him staying at home while I return to work. Also, I've just spent ALL our savings on major home improvements and we have a £200k mortgage too.

To compound matters, I've no family, so no support network. Majority of our friends don't have kids, so I've no idea how much childminders and nursery costs, therefore, no idea where to start number crunching.

My best friend said I'm looking into this too deeply, but I think we'd be mad to look at starting a family with no plan in place.

Am I over thinking this, or am I being sensible? Where do we start with planning this?

Also, am I too old? Realistically, I wouldn't want to start trying until next year anyway.

Would love your thoughts. x

OP posts:
Babynamechangerr · 27/10/2019 21:01

Already loads of responses to this so not sure if the OP is still reading.

Look up how chances of downs syndrome and other disorders increase with maternal (and paternal age). Look up how much more likely it is that you'll suffer obstetric complications at your age.

If you are setiitsly considering this then you need to go in with your eyes open. At the end of the day, heart will probably overrule head in this decision but you need to be aware of what you could be letting yourself in for.

Is there a reason you're not married? I would want more of a commitment from your partner before going ahead as you've got more to lose in this scenario (eg if you do have a disabled child). If the house is yours (as the higher earner) consider a prenup.

I think it is surprising that he didn't bring this up at least 3 years ago, he must have known that as you approached your 40th birthday that time was running out. Hence the need to protect yourself with marriage.

I think you also should agree in advance how long you'll try for before pursuing other avenues (eg adoption) and whether you will use fertility treatment (if needed - you won't be eligible with the NHS I wouldn't have thought).

Howmanysleepsnow · 27/10/2019 21:09

You both want a child, so go for it! Adoption takes time too, maybe if no joy ttc in 6 months start actively looking into adoption- the process takes up to a year and you can back down if you find yourself pregnant sooner.
Your best friend is right: you’re overthinking. Your income alone is £10k more than mine and XH’s combined when I had my first, and easily enough.
Adopting an older child doesn’t really save money on childcare: after school clubs are expensive.

Thehop · 27/10/2019 21:10

Lovely update, good luck

mumwon · 27/10/2019 21:34

the older the adopted child the more likely the child has either social emotional mental or physical issues - in fact many adopted children have issues of some kind either because they were born with them or because their background has caused them. Please bear that in mind - which is not to say that adoption wont be mutually successful for you & dc -but the route to adoption & the loving work involved can be more complex than prospective parents/parent might plan for. People also forget that if you are capable of bearing a child in your 40's your grandmothers did this (oldest child child often overlapped with their youngest uncles/aunts) & many grandparents now much older than you! will be looking after their grandchild. If you are healthy & you want to have a child go ahead

Howmanysleepsnow · 27/10/2019 21:42

Ah, just saw the update! Good luck!

HermioneWeasIey · 27/10/2019 21:43

Best of luck to you OP. Please keep us updated Smile

TeenPlusTwenties · 27/10/2019 21:49

Best wishes on your adoption journey OP.
Come over to the Adoption board. Flowers

Interestedwoman · 27/10/2019 21:56

Glad your DP is on board. Best wishes xxxxx

GoodDogBellaBoo · 27/10/2019 21:56

Your biggest worry surely can not be financial or support around you, your biggest worry is your age and you can not afford to waste another year. Your biggest worry should be that if you are able to become pregnant, you have to plan to be an older parent. I am 44 and my oldest is soon 20, you want to be there for them. Don’t wait another year, just go for it.

DamnShesaSexyChick · 27/10/2019 22:01

I think adopting is a wonderful decision I hope it all goes well

flouncyfanny · 27/10/2019 22:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SirVixofVixHall · 27/10/2019 22:12

Op I know several people, me included, who conceived at 42 with the ease of teenagers. I got pregnant with dd2 the first night we tried, and I had her at 43.
So don’t assume that you have a low chance of conceiving naturally, you really can’t know.
I am in my mid fifties with a 12 year old and a 14 year old. I am tired, but I don’t think any more tired than I would have been in my late forties. It is fine. Lots of women have babies in their later thirties now, and there really isn’t much difference between that and early forties. Someone could have a baby at 30 and be menopausal at 45 with a teenager.

I can see you are going ahead with adoption hopefully, but I wanted to add my perspective on having a baby in one’s forties. I think any age has its pros and cons really.

Original poster
NameChangedForTheDay · 27/10/2019 22:23

Thank everyone. I know some folk haven't seen my update. But we're going for adoption and hope we are approved. First meeting tomorrow.

To the PP who said it would be better to be married, hear what you're saying, would potentially look better to the decision makers, but I don't think marriage guarantees a life together.

Plus we'd rather use the money for savings for adoption leave. :)

OP posts:
Original poster
NameChangedForTheDay · 27/10/2019 22:24

@4mumwon thank you for your post. We are aware of this. ♥️

OP posts:
MrsP2015 · 27/10/2019 22:26

Not read all the replies so apologies if I repeat what's been said.

Ffs LOADS of women in late 30's & 40's are having kids nowadays it's totally normal!
I plan on a second baby (all being well) when I'm 40/41/42 and my mum had her last at 40 which was 20 years ago.
I probably can't run as fast or as far as I did 10 years ago but does that make me a bad parent- NO!
I'm so so glad I have waited until I'm 'older' to have a child as I've had a bloody good life and am totally happy to be ruled by my dd a mum dedicated to making her child as happy as possible without feeling I'm missing out on hobbies/ life.
I met dh 5 years before we got pregnant and I actually never ever wanted kids and he was not too bothered either way but it seemed in the end a perfect addition which she is.

I would say the questions you are asking say you're ready to have a baby. I remember googling 'am I ready to be a mum?' Because I wanted to be the best I could be and you sound similar. With money, you live to your means- I have been lucky enough to afford new/ top range everything yet a friend had to go low priced everything but her baby is no different to mine in the sense they've been looked after and provided for. Tbh half the pricey stuff I brought I wouldn't buy second time round but you live and learn. A couple of friends but second hand stuff and save a fortune.

I really think you sound like you'd make a great mum. If it doesn't happen it's not meant to be. Could you start trying now as believe me there's never a good time lol unless you need it to be after a holiday to a zika country etc.

neveradullmoment99 · 27/10/2019 22:28

Do both? Try for a baby and put in for adoption. No reason why not.

neveradullmoment99 · 27/10/2019 22:29

I was 43 when I gave birth to my last.

instaglum · 27/10/2019 22:34

I was almost 39. It's been great, really. Hard, too. You'd need to crack on, really, though, if you want to try. Don't wait. Otherwise, it's done all the time.

Italiangreyhound · 27/10/2019 22:42

Good luck. Thanks for the update.

Why not pop over to the adoption boards and ask some questions?

artistformerlyknownasvince · 27/10/2019 22:44

I have 3 biological dc and 2 dc who are adopted. Adoption is amazing and sort of keeping dh and myself young! Best of luck on the journey ahead of you

OchNah · 27/10/2019 22:47

That’s lovely, so nice to hear that a child who already exists could be getting loving parents, there’s thousands of unwanted kids in the UK, and 400,000 more bred every day in to a dying planet. This is unsustainable, I hope one of these people get to experience being loved with you and your boyfriend

Happymum12345 · 27/10/2019 22:54

Children are a blessing. You’re in a wonderful happy and loving relationship which is a lovely position to bring a child into the world. Some of the best, laid back parents I know had babies in their 40’s.

PurpleFrames · 27/10/2019 23:07

There's no age limit on adoption like your post implies, so don't let that influence your decision.

Elle7rose · 27/10/2019 23:08

Could you not try for a baby and still be waiting for adoption?

HoliBobber · 27/10/2019 23:14

I have a friend in your position who always wanted to adopt. When it came to it in her 40's, her long-term partner said he didn't want to and left, only to now have a child with someone else.

She then looked at adoption on her own. She has struggled with it. She had this idea that she could turn a troubled child's life around. In reality the children have a lot of issues. The adoption process look closely at what support you have around you, your partner, family etc.

Sorry I don't have any answers, only that you should crack on because time is the issue. Of course you would not regret either decision, you just need to make your emotional peace.

Are you not cross that he has only just mentioned biological children, knowing your age?