I'm 42 and DP has suddenly said he wants a baby.

[NameChangedForTheDay]

Hey all, NC for this one.

I've been with my DP for five years, we live together and we have a brilliant relationship. We've never once had an argument, we laugh every day and are a real team. That's not a stealth boast BTW! We just have a great life together and we love each other dearly. We have no DC from previous relationships.

We have our own circle of friends that we socialise with together, as well as giving each other space to have time with friends / hobbies alone. Our relationship works really well.

When we met, he said he was open to having kids, but it wasn't a burning urgency or need, he was happy to see how things pan out.

I told him from the start that I didn't really have any desire to get pregnant, but would love to adopt an older child, as my older brother was adopted and there's so many children desperate for a loving home and I've also a bit of a phobia of pregnancy and childbirth (which is a whole other thread!).

He was supportive of this and we've even been to adoption agency meetings to learn more and he seemed on board. Anyway, nothing's progressed, as we've had some family issues, including the death of my mum, which has been very hard.

Yesterday, we went to a toy shop to get gifts for his niece and nephew and there were obviously loads of families. I wistfully said I was getting broody (thinking to myself maybe we can look back into the adoption now) and asked him if he was. He said yes.

Last night, we were chatting and I asked if he really was feeling broody, as he's never said that word before. He conceded he was. I asked how come, he said he didn't know, he's just been feeling it strongly lately. He's 40 soon, so could be a factor. Plus some friends are having babies lately too.

I asked if we should explore adoption again and he said he's still not adverse to adoption, but was thinking we could try to have a baby together.

I'm not often speechless, but was after hearing this. He's always been supportive of the plans I had in mind when we met and he even said he wasn't bothered about our potential child not being a baby.

Now, as I say, I'm 42 (just turned). I've no idea if we are even fertile. I'm happy to try and get help for my phobias and if he really wants a baby, I'd definitely want to try for one with him. But if we try for a couple of years and it doesn't happen, I'm going to start to possibly be too old to adopt.

Another issue is affording a baby, my DP earns £20k and I'm on £47k, so I'm the breadwinner. He's climbing up his fairly new career ladder and his next job move will pay £30k+.

I might be overthinking it (my best mate says you can never afford a baby), but how will we survive if I'm off work? There is a the possibility of him staying at home while I return to work. Also, I've just spent ALL our savings on major home improvements and we have a £200k mortgage too.

To compound matters, I've no family, so no support network. Majority of our friends don't have kids, so I've no idea how much childminders and nursery costs, therefore, no idea where to start number crunching.

My best friend said I'm looking into this too deeply, but I think we'd be mad to look at starting a family with no plan in place.

Am I over thinking this, or am I being sensible? Where do we start with planning this?

Also, am I too old? Realistically, I wouldn't want to start trying until next year anyway.

Would love your thoughts. x

If you really wanted a child you’d try now for one as you know time isn’t on your side. By the sounds of it you aren’t keen and are considering going along with it as your partner is suddenly broody. You aren’t too old but I think the question is more do YOU actually want a baby.

^This

If you want a child you can make the finance and practicalities work by considering less stereotypical options like a smaller percentage of the population do. I'm an older mother who is the main breadwinner and works on contracts. My DP works compressed hours and took shared parental leave.

I’m totally the same as TheHandsOfNeilBuchanan, only thing different is age.

I was never in a rush to have a baby and never were interested in holding friends babies and stuff like that, totally fine with toddlers once you can actually make sense of what they’re saying and are able to play with them. However I agree to try for a baby when my partner asked because I knew I’d eventually would like to start a family and he definitely was the person I wanted it with so I agreed and we got pregnant fairly soon after.
My daughter is now 16 months old and is the best thing I ever did! I just love spending time with her and hate having to go to work. She’s such an amazing human being and makes me laugh every day! She sings along to Elvis and ACDC and it’s hilarious and amazing!
Yes it was ao tough in the beginning, mainly because she had colic and silent reflux and was allergic to lactose so it was hell, I would never have lunch or drink anything almost all day for the first 6 weeks, but the colic soon went and so did the reflux when she started eating solids and now it’s such a pleasure having her round, not that it wasn’t in the beginning but it was so tough, didn’t help that I had to have an emergency cesearean though so couldn’t drive and didn’t get to see many people in the beginning, I live in a rural village so not many buses!
Buuut I am so glad I did it, she is such am amazing character and I love her so much! I’m still not one to fuss over other people’s babies either 🙈 strange! But I’ve just never been like that and my own daughter is my baby so it’s different.

Think hard about what YOU want. But if you are going to stress about money it will never happen so don’t let that be the decider. We were at a loss of £200 a week when I was on maternity and we have a mortgage and debts too but we manage. We actually bought a house at the same time too and I still don’t earn much as I only work 30 hours a week. We still get to enjoy days out and holidays so if we can do it, you certainly can 🙂

I don't think 42 is too old at all; by the time the child is a "proper adult," at say 30 you will be 72, which is still quite an I independant age. I do think you should start trying straight away, and wish you the best of luck 😀

Can you not

• come off contraception, TTC
• save as much as you can
• if you get pregnant, then great.
• You take 3 months off work only, then go back and use childcare or DH part time or whatever
• if you don't get pregnant before you turn 43 then draw a line under it and look into adoption again.

Adopting has been fantastic for us. But time isn't on your side to adopt then have birth child. So that needs to be laid to rest one way or another before you start adopting.

I never gave a rat’s arse about children before having children but always knew I wanted my own. That was a given.

Now I have my own I continue to not give a rat’s arse about others children.

My own however - are my entire world

Call me cynical but I think his real motivation is to usurp you as the breadwinner and downgrade you to wife and mother status.

@TraLaLaaaaa adoption is really about giving a very hurt and hurting child a home, not giving a couple a child, iyswim

That line struck me hard. I had a very tough (violent / neglectful) childhood, I worked very hard to carve a good life for myself and not be a victim of my shitty start. I moved out at 19, bought my own house at 25, got a good career and have the almost amazing friends, who are more like family.
In later years my mother battled addiction, hence her death was extra hard for me.

Also, my DP's mum walked out out on him aged 7 and went abroad to live with the man she ran off with. He was raised by his lovely dad, who then died young from cancer. Again, my DP has got a good career and it very well balanced.

We were concerned this would be a barrier to adopting, but the social worker said not necessarily. In fact, having both had a tough start but making a happy life is something that can go in our favour.

I was welling up at last adoption information evening, when they said that babies up for adoption in the main have been given up by their parents, whereas children up for adoption have been taken from their parents.

Once they get close to aged 10-12, they are unlikely to find a loving home and will end up staying in the care system until adults. Broke my heart hearing that.

My DP are very patient, we have tons of love to give and we are rattling around in a 4-bed house that we'd love to share with a child.

Adopting is not a walk in the park, and not cheaper than having a baby. Very few babies/children are put up for adoption. The ones that are, are usually there because all other options have been exhausted. This process leaves children who can be very damaged. Go onto some adoption forums, and you will see that adoption agencies very commonly do not give all the relevant details of the child. Some of the children suffer tremendous mental health problems as a result of what they have gone through, and the parents are unable to work because of the medical appointments, home schooling etc.

Good luck if you can! Both my mum and her own mum had been through the Meno by 42. Not that they would have wanted more!

@Whosorrynow Absolutely not!!!

I know my DP inside out, were equals. We share our finances and if we had a baby, he's open to being a SAHD. He's not got a calculating bone in his body and doesn't feel less of a man that I earn more. He's only been in his career for 5 years, and when I met him, he was on £12k, his next promotion will take him to over £30k, he works very hard and is brilliant at what he does. I'm very proud of him, as he is me.

Had my ds at 42, feel younger than ever love him to bits x good luck with whatever you choose x

I was a bit like you, interesting job that I identified with, lively lifestyle, no longstanding yearning to be a parent, and then suddenly at 43 it seemed the right time, the right opportunity to TTC.

We conceived immediately, in the first month. I had an uncomplicated pregnancy and birth, and have never really felt that my age made a difference throughout 18 years (and counting) of motherhood. I was fit and active when I gave birth, had plenty of energy.

I am so pleased to be a parent of a child I am beside myself with love and pride for.

Childcare is expensive, especially in the first year, but you can get nursery vouchers that in essence save you the tax you pay on childcare, then the free hours kick in. We managed by working from home one day a week each for the first year or so (flexi - catching up on work at weekends if needed) so our childcare bill was 3 days a week. No family help either - too far away.

The only issue is that I am now looking at supporting Uni at a time when I would like to retire - or be putting my salary into my deficient pension pot, not into Uni support.

From what you've said, I'd say no and stick to adoption.

As others have said, the chances of conceiving are comparatively low, the risks of miscarriage/complications/disabilities are muc higher at 42. It takes a hell of a toll on your body and between hormones and exhaustion it can put extra strain on your relationship. Having a difficult pregnancy while thinking "I'm only doing this you YOU" isn't a great mindset.

Adoption sounds a great plan. You've experienced it as a sibling, you've come through a difficult childhood to make a happy life for yourself and you want to give that happiness and love to a child who's been through a rough time.
Good for you! You sound like a compassionate and loving person. I'm sure you'll be a wonderful mum.

I have never heard of anyone adopting a child age 10+.
Our eldest was 8 and pretty much top of 'adoptable' age range.
They would be just far too linked to their birth family to merge into a new one, this is where long term foster care comes into its own - a stable family for the child but with out the breaking bonds with the old family.

There are far fewer relinquished babies than in the old days. These days there is either abortion, or better state and family support (and less disapproval) for the mother to keep her child.

Please note however. Some adopted children are massively impacted by their past. But many are not. They are not all 'damaged'. If I look at my DDs, yes they are impacted by their past, but their friends have other things that impact them just as much if not more - divorced parents, anxiety, self harming, general teenage bolshiness, ASD, etc.

I had two in my 40s. Absolutely fine. I liked being older, and think I was a better mother as a result.

There is a good chance you won't conceive, so why not leave it to chance?

Sorry to hear about your upbringing OP. Your experiences will likely stand you in good stead whilst going through the adoption process.

@Whosorrynow that's an odd thing to say. Maybe he just wants to try for a child with the woman he loves.

It sounds like your heart is really going for adoption, and that you aren't that interested in pregnancy.
Your husband seems to have suddenly suggested this idea of having a biological child after you both agreed to adoption, so it's not unreasonable to say no.
If you really wanted a biological child then things like work contracts, finances etc. would not stop you - everyone loses out financially when having a baby but if you really want one you just deal with it.
I think adoption is the way to go for you. Also I don't think it is right to go for adoption but also TTC at the same time - unfair on the adoption agency who spend a lot of money and time working with you and implies that adoption is a "back up" that's only there because you cant have a biological child.
Sign up for an adoption agency now and find out whether it is going to be possible. I'm surprised you haven't done this already if it's what yyou always wanted.

@TeenTimesTwo that's my point. It rarely happens after that age. Sadly we wouldn't look to buck that trend either. We were looking at adopting aged 5-8.

Just try and see what happens. There are a lot of people who will try to rain on your parade and tell you not to, but it's your life. People live longer now and will probably live even longer when you become an OAP. Why cut yourself off of a chance to have a child before you have to? (Assuming you still get a period and whatnot). The oldest woman had a baby naturally at 59 www.telegraph.co.uk/news/uknews/1560739/UK-woman-59-worlds-oldest-natural-mother.html

I'm not saying that your result will or won't be the same, but no one can tell you what will happen.

I would start TTC tonight. Have sex every other day for a couple of months and see what happens.

I'm almost 39 and last month fell pg totally unexpectedly as I was taking the mini pill totally correctly. Total shock as I didn't think I'd be particularly fertile at my age! Sadly miscarried but I do have a mc history having mc at least twice in my twenties. We are gutted.

My situation is different to yours in that I have two childen from my first marriage. OH on the other hand has none.

He would love a bio child of his own but money for us is an issue - we both work ft but on quite low wages.

I saw GP after the most recent mc and he said his advice to women in late thirties or older is not to wait if considering a pregnancy.

Started at 40. Have 3. Menopausal now so will not conflict with with their hormones. Woohoo! Get on with it, you have your head screwed on, you are thinking it through and you can figure it out.

I think age wise, if it’s your first you don’t really know any better. I had first at 34 and second at 38 and second time round I felt like a crippled old woman

Whether or not you’ll fall pregnant successfully is another matter but you can only try. If you want to, start immediately. There are some great advice books for older mums with supplement and diet advice to get the best eggs out. Start using clear blue ovulation sticks straight away and follow a plan like SPerm meets egg (google) to time your sex as well as possible. You can’t mess around at 42.

Also be aware your risk of Down’s syndrome is off the charts- I would get a harmony test at 10 weeks because when you get to your 12 week NHs test you will almost certainly be high risk.

Good luck

Hi OP. It's great that you're so secure in your DP and equals in your relationship. It's also good that he is open to being SAHD.
What does concern me is that he has expressed this wish and you have immediately gone off thinking about nurseries, family support, and all the other practicalities of having a child. Has your DP gone off and done any of this thinking? If not, then I'm afraid it's indicative about how your roles may be once you have a child.

My own experience is that I never really wanted children, got pregnant with my husband at 40 and he left us very suddenly when child was 5. I think he couldn't cope with what a grind it is raising children. I do it all on my own now and working and being a single parent is very tiring in your 50's.